


Help Me Stand

by ichigoangel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Familial Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, in chapter 16 it only took 100k words to get there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:43:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 176,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/934319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichigoangel/pseuds/ichigoangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren's best childhood friend and high school boyfriend, Armin, dies in a car accident in which Eren had been the one at the wheel. Unable to keep from blaming himself, life itself becomes agonizing for Eren and he turns to the more negative side of coping mechanisms. Eventually, he meets a college student named Levi who seems like he has it all figured out, just to discover that they have more in common than he thought. Modern!AU.<br/>Also, Levi has a motorcycle because it was definitely necessary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is much more a personal project than anything else; an emotional release for me, but I figure I'd share it here, anyways. This is also my first time writing something in first person narrative instead of third person!  
> If you're triggered by self-harm, than I'd definitely advise against reading this, as it is very self-harm centered.

I couldn’t tell if I was conscious or not; was I in the middle of a dream?

Pain erupted through me like a volcano, agony wracked my entire body. It was consuming, really. Would the pain ever go away? I couldn't think clearly at all, there was only agonizing pain. There was no source to the pain I felt—it was all over. It was my entire being. Could a dream feel quite so realistic? The concept of reality versus illusion was lost within my hazy mind. Were those police sirens? Why were they so loud, so desperate to be heard? I was trying to sleep the pain away, couldn’t they just shut the fuck up for a moment?

Where was I, anyways? What in god’s name was going on?

It was warm, very warm. A hot and humid summer’s night; it would likely storm later on. 

I was trying to sleep, but it quickly became obvious that with the police around that would be impossible. _Fucking police_ , I thought.

I opened my eyes slowly, taking my time. Was that even a good decision? Probably not. But I needed to know what was happening. I tried my best to stay afloat, to not sink down beneath the crushing wall of pain doing its damnedest to pull me under. My eyelids were heavy; fighting against me, begging me to take mercy on them and on myself. The sight awaiting my eyes would not be pleasant, not in the slightest. I was confused as to why I would know that if I didn’t know what was happening. 

Did I know what was happening? Maybe I did. I realized that there was an absurd familiarity about the situation. In an effort to concentrate, I let my eyelids win the battle and remain shut for a moment. Did I know what was waiting for me? No, I didn’t. I felt like I had known at some point, but had forgotten. There was no time for thinking. The pain was unbearable. I had to be dying; there was no way I could live through this. The police sirens were infuriating me; they weren’t helping me keep my barely existent train of thought. _Shut up, shut up, for fuck sakes, shut the fuck up. Nobody asked for you to be here, anyways._

I felt paralyzed. Could I move my limb if I tried? I was scared to try. What if I were paralyzed? That would suck. That would suck really badly, actually. But wait, why would that suck? Especially if this were a dream, then that wouldn’t even matter. Because I would wake up. But would I?

Why was it so goddamn hard to keep a coherent thought process?

Maybe I should try opening my eyes again. This time they opened with little effort; which was fucking stupid since I had fought so hard for them to open before, to no avail. Whatever. Why did my whole body hurt so fucking much? My eyes adjusted slowly to the scene laid out before me. The blinding lights of police cars were shining directly into my eyes from every angle. Had they not been there, the sky would have appeared pitch black. I wished the lights would go away—my head hurt. Well, my whole body hurt, but I had discovered that most of the pain was centric to my head. Incredible.

Police men everywhere. They were surrounding the car—apparently, I was in a car. That made sense, I guessed. Why else would police men be surrounding me? I didn’t know. Police were idiots, anyways. They had nothing better to do. There was no need for them here, go bother somebody else. A fresh burst of intense pain shot through me and my eyes clamped shut again. Fucking hell. I needed to know what was happening. 

I tested my fingers to see if they still worked, because I legitimately wasn’t sure if they did or not. They were still fine, apparently. Was I holding onto something? I could feel a smooth surface under my fingertips that I had been unaware of before. I opened my eyes again. My fingers were positioned over the steering wheel of a car. I’d been driving? Apparently so. Blood was covering my fingers and the longer my eyes lingered the more blood I found covering the car’s interior and my own body. The police were shouting wildly at each other; what a bunch of animals. Calm down, everything was fine.

Just a bit of blood. There was the pain, and it was intense, oh god it would probably kill me, but that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. It wasn’t reality, anyways. Or it was. Either way, didn’t matter. Leave us the fuck alone. 

Us? No, that wasn’t right. It was just me. I was driving alone, wasn’t I? I didn’t remember. But with this confusion and anguish, I prayed that I'd been alone. Nobody else deserved to suffer in such a way; I would much rather shoulder everything myself. If dying now were to be my fate, as long as it was me alone I had no qualms. My vision came slowly into focus as the fog in my mind began to lift slightly. The pain had not dulled but my coherency was returning. 

Memories of that night came trickling back—I'd spent the evening at a party. It had been one of those cliché high school parties that sported red plastic cups and couples making out in every shadowy corner. I thought the whole idea of them was stupid, really, but the booze availability was far too good to pass up. Everyone went to them, as long as their social standing wasn’t horrible. Mine was pretty much borderline, but nobody really gave a fuck about what I did; I was free to attend them as I pleased. So yeah, I had been at a party. I must have gotten plastered, which would explain the haziness in my mind. I vaguely remembered doing way too many shots with a bunch of other kids from school. Typical Friday night affairs. 

As I urged my brain to recall more about that night, I remembered that I had gone to the party with Armin. We'd gone there together, of course. Oh, that’s right. I'd offered to drive us home since Armin had felt uncomfortable driving while drunk; he had been hesitant to let me drive but reluctantly accepted when I assured him that I would be just fine, that I’d driven after drinking plenty of times. Which wasn’t a lie, because I had. I asked for Armin to trust me that night and he had, being the perfect boyfriend that he was. It was all coming back to me now; we had been driving along and I had been unable to focus properly, and suddenly a bright light was rushing at us and everything went blank at that point, until I woke up confused, which was what was happening right then. 

As I recalled that Armin had been with me in the car, an agonizing sense of fear began to overwhelm me. I was terrified of shifting my gaze over to the passenger seat, terrified of what my eyes would see. The familiarity of the situation brutally stabbed at me as if a knife were being driven straight through my heart. My subconscious knew exactly what was going on but I still did not, and I really wasn’t in a rush to find out. When I reopened my eyes I found that the police were even closer now and they would be prying open the doors to the car at any minute. I saw their mouths moving rapidly as they fired orders at each other; the car’s windows were open but due to the shrill cry of the sirens, I was unable to hear what they were saying. Another bout of pain spread through me but I did my best to ignore it. The pain was still great but I no longer assumed these were my final moments. 

My car had crashed, there was no doubt in my mind about that. I scanned the area directly in front of my eyes to see if I could spot the other car involved, but it must have been out of my line of sight. There was a flash in the sky that wasn’t the colorful light on a police car and I knew it had begun to storm. I thought I heard a crack of thunder over the sound of the sirens but I may have just imagined it, I guess. I still couldn’t tell if I was locked in a nightmare or reality, but I would have to concern myself with that later. I figured I only had a minute or two left before a police officer would tear me away from my car, having to pry the most-likely damaged door open. A downpour began outside, as if a ginormous bucket of water had simply been dumped over us. The policemen were still bustling about and I could hear a new siren sound joining the others. Looked like the ambulance had made its appearance on the scene. 

I was running out of time, and I could no longer avoid the passenger’s seat. I slowly, slowly turned my aching head to face the seat adjacent to my own. I inhaled sharply as my eyes adjusted to what they were seeing.

I screamed. I couldn’t help it. 

Armin’s lifeless body was bent in a grotesque way and there was blood everywhere—way more than had been spread around me. I could tell immediately that he had died on impact. The angle and force of the collision had hit Armin in such a way that he wouldn’t have survived the night even if the impact hadn’t killed him. I was screaming, screaming as loud as I could, unable to process what was going on. Agony ripped through me and I could feel the tears of hysteria begin to cascade from my eyes and onto my face. That couldn’t be Armin; that couldn’t be my sweet, caring boyfriend who had trusted me despite his better judgment. The horridly deformed corpse in front of me couldn’t be Armin. It just couldn’t. I saw his face. Blood was pouring over closed-eyes, eyes that would never open to see the light of day again. His mouth was open and also had blood spewing from it. I'd never seen anything so terrifying in my life. The image of my boyfriend’s corpse would haunt me forever.

I was alive. I had made it. 

I was the driver.

I had caused the crash, there was no way that I hadn’t.

Which meant that this was my fault entirely. 

I was the reason my boyfriend sat lifeless in the seat beside me.

I frantically attempted to separate myself from my seat belt so that I could make it over to Armin; a vain attempt to save what was already gone. My fingers were shaking profusely and I struggled to even click down on the button that would release me from the confines of the seat belt. I eventually accomplished my goal and I threw myself at Armin’s body, wrapping my arms desperately around the bloodied body. I was subconsciously aware that I was still screaming at the top of my lungs even as I clung to what had been my wonderful, lively Armin less than an hour ago. Because although my time sitting there in the car had felt like it had stretched on for hours on end, realistically it had likely only been a half-hour since impact. My tears streamed down my face without abandon; a few of them fell onto Armin’s unmoving body and mixed with fresh droplets of blood to create a disturbing watered-down parody of the crimson substance. 

The police men were finally making their move, and I heard the driver’s side door being pried open by an officer. I didn’t turn and face him and instead kept my attention on the broken body cradled in my arms. After a slight pause, I heard the officer’s voice. 

"Sir, we’re going to need you to get out of the car.”

I didn’t move. I continued leaning over the driver’s seat onto the passenger’s side. I continued sobbing and gazing at my barely-recognizable boyfriend. I could no longer feel the pain in my body; it was still there, but it was by far the least of my concerns. The police man sighed behind me before crawling into the car far enough to grab me. I ran my fingers over Armin’s soft blonde hair that was now matted and stained with crimson as I felt the police officer close in behind me. A pair of firm hands grabbed at my waist and I vainly tried to kick them away so that I wouldn’t have to leave my lover’s side. 

I was being pried away from Armin and I screamed, “Let me the fuck go! I’m not leaving him!” 

Pity dripped from the police officer’s voice when he said, “I’m terribly sorry, but he’s already gone. There’s nothing you can do now.” 

I continued writhing about, trying to land kicks on the man to no avail. The man removed one of his arms from me and used it to disconnect my arms from Armin’s body. I was nowhere near strong enough to put up the fight required to stop the officer, and I was left with no choice but to shriek in agony as I lost contact with Armin’s body for good. I refused to tear my gaze away from my lifeless boyfriend even as the man lifted me up and out of the car. I would never see my boyfriend again, and it was all because of me.

-x-

I woke up from my nightmare screaming and my thrashing had translated into reality; my arm flung against the surface of the nightstand beside my bed. My arm connected with the contents that I kept on top of it; a round bottle of pills clattered to the floor along with a large razor blade that was stained crimson at the edges.

It had been a nightmare, but it had been a nightmare recalling the events that had marked my imminent downfall as a decent human being.


	2. Setting the Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief summary of Eren's life post-accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested mood song (as suggested to me by a reader, and I think it's the perfect suggestion) : Schism by Tool.

My name is Eren Yeager, and to put it bluntly, I was addicted to destroying myself.

A bitter sigh escaped my slightly parted lips as I felt the stinging kiss of the razor against the soft, pale flesh of my arm. A familiar sense of relief washed over me as I stared at the crimson droplets that soon welled up around the line I'd just carved into my skin. My arm was already laced with a delicate web of lines similar to that one, varying from bright red all the way to a pale white. I shifted my arm slightly and watched as a drop of blood began trailing down from the wound. If I didn't shift my arm again, it’d fall down onto the pale blue comforter spread across my bed. I couldn't be bothered to move it in time; nobody ventured into my room much, anyways. People had long since stopped trying to reach through to me. Mikasa herself was in her own world, withdrawn from everybody, including me. My dad was never around and my mother was disturbingly ignorant when it came to the lives of her children. As far as she was concerned, she was raising two perfectly happy teenagers who gracefully healed after losing their childhood best friend.

At the remembrance of Armin’s death, I became restless again, despite the wound I had just opened on my lower left arm. A year after Armin’s death, and I was still unable to come to terms with it. People had told me constantly that I shouldn’t blame myself, that it wasn’t my fault. But nobody could convince me that had I not been a teenage fuckup who decided to drive while wasted, Armin still would've have died. Because he wouldn't have. Armin would never smile radiantly at the world again, and it was my fault. It would always be my fault. 

Panic rose within me as my thoughts strayed to Armin—the memories of him were still too painful for me to bear, considering my mental wellness wasn't particularly strong those days. A considerably sized bloodstain had developed over my blanket while I was lost in thought. I lifted the razor blade in my right hand sluggishly and let it hover over the surface of my arm before slicing it across my skin, watching as the fissure opened up with a line of blood quickly following. My calm had returned; physical pain replaced the emotional pain and left me numb as I sat there, staring at the bleeding cuts I'd just created.

For one year I’d been doing this to myself regularly. For one year, I’d been a monster devoid of proper functionality as a human being. I no longer had any friends or anyone left to care about me; I’d cut ties (whether it were purposely or not) with everyone long ago. My only friends were my collection of razor blades and other useful objects I kept at my disposal.

I could no longer deal with any form of stress or emotional burden—my first thought when something went even slightly wrong was that I needed to hurt myself. Even if it was only a small scratch or a light burn, I needed pain to get me through the day. I didn't only cut myself, I hurt myself in any way that I possibly could. I needed sleeping pills to get me through the night; my nightmares became too consuming for me to handle. I enjoyed the way prescription drugs made me feel and I'd even become infatuated with the hollow feeling of not eating for a whole day. Or two, maybe three. It depended on the week.

How did everything end up this way? I suppose I should start the story farther back. I’ll start from the very beginning, from the time that I confessed my feelings for Armin Arlert. 

-x-

I was fifteen years old when I confessed to Armin that I had feelings for him. I had known for over a year at that point that my feelings for him went beyond just friendship, but I didn't act on it until I was fifteen. It was Valentine’s Day, and I'd decided that it would be the best time to let Armin know exactly how I felt about him.

I bought him a box of chocolates—nothing overly complicated, just a standard red heart-shaped box that contained an assortment of little chocolates. I invited him over to my house after school that afternoon, and we walked to my house side by side once the final bell rang (Maria High School was only a short distance from our house so our parents made us walk to and from school until we got our licenses). He was wearing a white knitted sweater with light wash jeans, and I was wearing a light grey long-sleeved shirt with dark blue jeans. Armin looked adorable in the sweaters he wore, as they were always slightly too big for him. I'd left the box of chocolates sitting on my bed that morning, so I had to make sure I was the first one into my room so I had a chance to hide the box behind my back before revealing it to Armin. I rushed ahead of him once we were inside the house and secured the chocolates as planned when Armin finally made it into the room, shutting the door behind him. 

He cast me a quizzical look when he noticed my sheepish grin and arms held awkwardly behind my back. Before he could say anything, I said, “I have something for you.” The words tumbled out of my mouth awkwardly. I took the box of chocolates and held it out in front of me, urging Armin to grab the box. I watched as a light pink hue spread itself lightly across Armin’s cheeks as he gingerly took the box from my hands. I’m sure it was the last thing he expected to happen.

Armin seemed unsure of what to say, so I continued on. “I just wanted to let you know that I care about you a lot, Armin, but as more than just a friend. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I don’t expect you to, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel.” My face was heated and I would have bet money that my face was just as dusted with color as Armin’s was. Silence filled the air for a long moment before Armin took a deep breath and then gave me the most radiant smile I've ever seen. Box of chocolates still in hand, he flung his arms around my neck and leaned up so that his face was level with mine. His face was bright red as he closed the distance between our faces, planting an inexperienced but sweet kiss on my lips. I grinned into the kiss, savoring the taste of Armin’s soft lips against my own. The kiss was incredibly gentle, and I would have expected nothing less from him. 

“I’ve liked you for a long time, Eren.” Armin admitted, speaking so quietly that I had to strain to hear. My heart fluttered with pure joy as Armin wrapped his arms around my back and gave me the sweetest hug that I would ever receive. Good lord, everything that kid had ever done was absolutely fucking adorable. Once our hug ended, we sat side by side on my twin-sized bed, adorned with the same pale blue comforter that was eventually littered with bloodstains. Armin told me that he had thought about me as more than a friend for years and had decided against telling me for fear of ruining our friendship. My confession had gone a thousand fold better than I thought it would—the result was absolutely perfect.

Armin shared his chocolates with me and we chatted while we ate our way through the entire box until evening fell and Armin had to go home. Before he left my room for the night, I grabbed him gently and gave him a goodnight kiss. Armin giggled after he pulled away and I physically felt my heart melt.

I thought for sure that we’d be together for the rest of our lives.

And up until the accident, we were. All of our friends knew we were together and they all agreed that we made the perfect couple. Our personalities were generally opposite of each other; Armin was calm and ridiculously intelligent whereas I’d always been hot-headed and stubborn. There was no doubt in my mind that Armin would have been the valedictorian of Maria High School. It always pained me to know that he never got the chance.

Our relationship was sweet and caring, one of those in which neither person wanted more than to just sit by each other’s side and be connected by an embrace. Armin didn’t have sex with me until we were both sixteen, and that had been perfectly okay. Our first time was awkward and clumsy (it was the first time for both of us) but it was special because we were so wholeheartedly in love that it could have sucked and would have still been one of my favorite moment of my life. I’d never forget the way it felt to have our bodies pressed up against each other, to be connected to the person I cared about most in the world. 

I'd known exactly what happiness was. Happiness was holding Armin’s hand while walking leisurely in the park. Happiness was caressing Armin’s soft skin as he lay in my arms. That year passed within the blink of an eye, and sometimes it felt as if it never even happened. For years, I still had my doubts about whether or not our relationship had been reality. Those were days that I felt unbearably detached from everything (well, more so than usual). 

Armin had been my everything. Sure, I cared a lot about Mikasa, since she was my sister and also my best friend, but I hadn't been hopelessly in love with Mikasa. Everything about Armin made me melt, right down to his chin-length honey blonde hair that he pulled pack into a tiny ponytail on hot days. He was the one person who never lost patience with me, who'd never gotten overly tired of dealing with my bullshit. And there’s something to be said for people who can deal with somebody else’s bullshit with no exceptions. I felt that i'd never again fall in love with a person the way I fell in love with Armin. 

I had always been a resilient person; I could typically handle whatever bullshit life tried to toss at me. Armin was usually the biggest factor in my ability to deal with the everyday troubles of life. With Armin at my side, I was invincible. I believed that there was a future for me, that life was a wonder worth living. All of that came shattering down when the accident happened.

-x-

I had begged god constantly to rewind back to the night of that fateful party, had begged for god to claim me and not Armin. A vain effort—there was no such thing as second-chances in reality, I’d come to realize. Once you’re screwed, you’re fucking screwed. And I was fucking screwed. 

Armin’s funeral had been one of the two worst moments of my life, second only to holding Armin’s bleeding, lifeless body in my arms as I begged to not be taken away from him. I could feel the accusatory stares of Armin’s family; they were people who told Eren not to blame himself but obviously did not mean the words that spewed from their anguished mouths. Since Armin had been so mangled by the accident, his funeral was closed-casket. I was broken knowing that the last memory I had of my angel’s face was bloodied and maimed, and not of a serene face that promised his successful journey to whatever afterlife existed. Mikasa held onto me through the ceremony in an attempt to comfort me. She wasn’t crying. She was blankly staring at the space ahead of her, which would become her default expression over the next year.

Hot, stinging tears ran down my face for the entirety of the service and lasted well into the evening back at home. My mother held me like a baby and cradled in her lap as I cried. I was already fucking sick of crying; tears accomplish nothing. Serve no purpose. Crying couldn't bring back the people who died at the expense of your own goddamn mistakes. At that time, I wanted nothing more than to just halt the tears, even just for a few moments. That night was the first time that I hurt myself intentionally— an agony-filled moment of desperation that would lead to so much more than I'd ever considered. 

I did not start with cutting right off the bat—it would take me a couple of months to reach that point. As I sat locked in my room, I had no immediate access to any tools that could prove useful to me. So what I did was I lifted the left sleeve of the black hoodie that I was wearing (I had changed out of my funeral attire, and even though it was still summer I had been chilled to the bone ever since the accident), and I set the tip of my fingernail to a patch of flesh, and dragged my nail sharply across it. My nails were in need of a trim, so they were fairly sharp as I scratched along my arm with them. One scratching motion hadn’t been enough; a red mark had developed but I didn’t even feel any pain. So I returned my fingernail to the spot that I had scratched and I did it again and again until the very first layers of skin had been peeled away due to the vigorous back and forth motion of my nail, leaving behind a raw patch of flesh that burned to the touch. I pressed my fingers against the oval-shaped wound, focusing all of my attention onto the way it stung immediately upon contact. 

I'd stopped crying. I was distracted from my emotional anguish and I breathed a sigh of relief as physical pain took over for a few minutes. This made perfect sense to me; I deserved to be in pain. I deserved to suffer for being in the driver’s side that night. I told myself that hurting myself wouldn’t become a crutch, though. I would only do it in extreme situations like that night. Armin wouldn’t have wanted that for me, after all, even if I did desperately deserve it. I had every intention of making self-harm a rare occurrence, and I truly believed that I'd be able to. If people would've somehow noticed the scratch on my arm, all I would've had to do was say that I scraped it on something. Nobody would have reason to doubt me, because it did look like an innocent scrape wound.

Since it was still summertime when Armin passed away, I had time before I had to face school again. If anything, the daily distraction and social interaction would have proven to help me out more than the long days of sitting alone in my room, crying while staring at the wall as reality continued to slap me in the face with reminders of my boyfriend's death. Still, I kept to my resolve and didn’t hurt myself on a whim. However, I lost my ability to engage in proper social contact as a result my self-induced isolation, and the return to school was brutal.

I became angered easily, far more easily than I ever had before. People’s words of consolation were of well-intent but they pissed me off. I was doing just fine and they needed to stop trying to help me. I was not a charity case. I assured everyone around me that I was coping as normally with Armin’s death as anyone could, and people seemed happy for that. Which pissed me off, because I was so obviously lying. People were far too quick to believe the bullshit that came out of my mouth. "Are you okay?" They'd ask. "Of course I am", I'd respond as my eyes burned with the beginnings of fresh tears and my lips trembled, causing me to sputter slightly when answering. "Oh, good!" They'd say; they’re glad to hear that everything was going as well as it could. 

Honestly, I didn't know if they were just that fucking stupid and ignorant or if they just didn't actually give a shit. It was probably both. I didn't really give a fuck after awhile though, as long as they left me alone. 

I made quick work of pushing away all of my friends and further isolating myself from the world. They tried to provide me with distractions from my sadness. They'd invite me out to the movies, out to eat, out to just hang out. And I would always say no in favor of locking myself away in my room for the rest of the night. While my friends’ concern was more genuine than the rest, it still never ceased to piss me off. I actually almost started a physical fight with one of my former friends, and that proved to be the last straw for them. They told me they had patiently tried to help me with my grief, but if I was going to lash out at them to the point of actually punching them, they couldn’t continue being my friend. I scowled at them, spitting out that that was my preference, anyways, so they could waste no time in staying the fuck away from my life. To many, I was deemed a lost cause. The shitty thing is that I couldn't even say I proved them wrong; I'd truly become a lost cause in this awful world. 

My teachers in my junior year of high school grew tired of my unwillingness to do my homework after about a month of completing barely a single assignment. They had given me the chance to mourn, but unanimously decided that two months had been plenty of time and that my best friend’s death was no longer a tolerable excuse for my slacking off. My mother was called near constantly with reports that I needed to start putting an effort in. In the beginning, she regarded the calls with worry and made sure to have a sit-down talk with me whenever one happened, but she gave up with time. My lack of caring for any single situation caused her to eventually give up on me too, in her own way, in the hopes that I would find my way out of my stupid, because in the end, only I had the ability to do that.

My teachers were still on my ass throughout the year, but they could hardly be bothered to try and get me to do anything, because they knew I probably wouldn't. At the time, it was questionable whether or not any college I would apply to would actually accept me. Whatever. Who needed college when I could sit alone in my room for the rest of my life, watching blood spill out of my own body? 

Anyways. After that first scratch, I lasted only a couple of weeks before I began feeling an itching need for physical pain. I tried to keep myself from doing it again in an effort to not disappoint Armin, but one night after my dad called me, I failed. He had taken to trying out being a “caring dad” after I lost Armin. But as I became more distant, he became more frustrated. Those phone calls soon became his excuse to tell me what a piece of shit I was, about how I needed to cut out my bullshit and work on growing up to be a functional member of society. I didn’t know why I even made the effort to pick up the phone; everything he ever told me I already knew. He just reaffirmed my self-loathing and made it even worse. 

After one of dad’s calls left me even more worked up than they usually did, before I could even process what was happening, I was furiously dragging my nails back and forth across my skin’s surface. A small droplet of blood formed in the wound; I had scratched myself hard enough for it to actually begin bleeding. I stared at the wound in a daze. It burned. Oh god, it burned so good. Those types of wounds made day-after showers a living hell, an experience that suited me just fine. I deserved to feel like I was burning in hell. Scalding hot water would run over the fresh wounds and pain would shoot through me, and I’d close my eyes and let the pain wash over my entire being.

What an addictive sensation it was.

I was still determined to keep myself from developing dependence on pain, if only for Armin’s sake. But Armin was no longer there, and that realization embedded itself deeper and deeper into me as time went on. My resolution crumbled, and my left arm was left with several large, oval-shaped wounds that had came from my own scratching. But eventually, those failed to satiate my thirst for tangible pain. I got ahold of a lighter and had taken to resting my arm directly above the flame, letting my flesh melt as I sighed in shaky relief. I could control my own pain, and it felt wonderful.

-x-

My descent into self-harm was so quick that I'd barely been able to process what I'd gotten myself into. Only a couple months into the school year, I was confined to long-sleeves—I had too many scratches and burns to pass off as isolated accidents. Since it was fall, hoodies were standard attire and no questions were raised over my avoidance of short sleeves. Not that anyone gave a shit, because they probably didn’t, but that's beside the point. I never did realize how great having the option to wear a t-shirt was until I'd taken that privilege away from myself. Although technically, I could have still worn short-sleeves if I really wanted to, but I preferred to be only one with the ability to call me a monster. Nobody else would understand that pain was a coping mechanism for me, a way to deal with the demons that haunted my soul every waking moment of the day.

My self-harm made me realize how truly alone in the world I was.

After a few months of scratching, burning, and occasionally hitting myself or biting at my skin, my curiosity for what it felt like to seek relief in a razor blade became too strong to resist. I’d had a shitty day at school; my teachers had spent the day lecturing me about how if I didn’t make a change soon, I would ruin my future entirely. As far as I was concerned, it was ruined the second I caused that goddamn car crash. The previous night’s call from my dad had been severe enough to leave me shaking in fury as I hung up without saying goodbye; the whole conversation had literally just been him telling me how fucking worthless I am. He even went as far as to say he wished I would have just died in the crash as well. He wasn't the only fucking one, trust me. I could have spared myself the self-inflicted hell I became obsessed with. But it had still shaken me hearing it from my own dad; we had never gotten along great, but he'd never been quite so cruel before. My mom’s blissful ignorance was getting to me as well; how could she seriously not notice that everything was horridly wrong with her children? 

Essentially, everything seemed unbearable and the sight of my own blood had never sounded so appealing. So for the first time, once the final bell rang, I did not go straight home. I dropped by the nearest hardware store and purchased a small box of razor blades, sticking it in the pocket of my jeans on the way home. Mother was home when I arrived. She smiled at me and asked me how my day had been when she saw me entering through the doorway. I avoided her depressingly unaware eyes as I muttered that it had been good before rushing off to my bedroom, locking the door behind me. Mikasa was already in her room for the evening as well. 

I sat cross-legged on my bed and fished the little box out of my pocket. I was wearing a white hoodie that day; it had a pair of folded black wings printed on the back and had always been one of my favorites. I'd bought it while shopping one day with Armin, and when I tried it on he clapped and said it suited me perfectly. I slowly lifted the sleeve up and exposed my wounded arm to the air as I opened the box of razor blades. I grabbed one out of the box and turned it over several times in my hand, admiring its venomous shine before lowering it to my skin. I ripped it across the surface of my arm as rapidly as I could; the cold slice of the metal had stung more than I'd anticipated as I watched my skin split open. The blood arrived after only a second, spilling over the confines of the cut and running down my arm. I instantly fell in love with the grotesque beauty I'd just created. The wound wasn’t too deep, but it bled like a bitch, for which I was grateful. I learned that watching yourself bleed is calming, soothing in its horror.

I’d remembered to grab an old rag from the bathroom on my way to my room so that blood wouldn’t get everywhere, and I pressed it gingerly against the wound, soaking up some of the blood that had gathered. As soon as that blood was gone, it was replaced with a fresh bout of it. Crimson continued to pour out of my arm and I stared at it, mesmerized. That one cut was the first of many to come. 

Since I didn’t use band-aids, when the wound on my arm re-opened while I was asleep, the blood trickled onto my sheets. I made a note to myself that to wash them since I hadn’t done so in a while, anyways. Laundry would quickly become a chore that I had to partake in often, as I never really learned my lesson on how useful band-aids can be and was often forced to wash out bloodstains from both my bedding and my clothing. Eventually, I would stop bothering with that, too, and just let the bloodstains stay.

I had never imagined I’d see the day that I became a cutter. It had always been the cliché of a taboo that made cutters seem less than human in the eyes of people who'd never felt the need to make themselves bleed. I’d always scoffed at the idea, saying people had to be extremely fucked up to be willing to press a blade to their own skin. But suddenly I was that person, covered in a network of red lines drawn out across both of my arms. I was losing who I was, bit by bit, cut by cut. I allowed myself to let go of the determined, foolhardy boy I had once been. Once in a while, a painful flashback rolled around to remind me that I used to be so much more. I typically remedied the flashback with a pill from the bottle I keep on my nightstand. I kept my weapons at arm’s length, because I hated being separated from what was keeping me alive and killing me at the same time.

And that is, essentially, the point in which this story truly starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a lot of time to figure out how to approach the beginning of the story itself, and I started it over three times before realizing that the best way to go about it would be with a summary of Eren's life up until where I begin explaining his life day by day. I hope that makes sense, aha.


	3. Anniversary and Applications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the anniversary of Armin's death, and Eren visits his grave.

It was the anniversary of Armin’s death, and I guess you could say it became a turning point of sorts. On the anniversary of death, I was reminded that I was alive. I found it near impossible to believe that it'd already been a year since the last time I'd seen my boyfriend alive. Life passed by in a hazy blur of pain and isolation, and although I realized it the whole time, it never felt real. Every now and then reality hits and bitch-slaps you in the face; that day was no exception It was a defining moment for me—I was broken, beaten, defeated. But I was alive. I still inhaled and exhaled and blood still coursed through my veins no matter how many times I released it in my room at night. 

I decided that I would visit Armin’s grave that day. Before I drove over there, I stopped by a little flower shop and bought the biggest bouquet of flowers that I could afford (an assortment with many colors, since Armin loved everything colorful and never had a specific favorite color). They lay beside me in my car on the way to the cemetery, and I gently scooped them into my arms when I'd arrived and found a decent place to park. I seldom actually went anywhere, and it felt strange to breathe in the fresh air around me. It is then that I realized that the world had not stopped when Armin’s life did; it kept on spinning no matter what. People had progressed in life over the past year, and I’d been stuck in one spot. I was alarmed by my own thoughts; I hadn't thought so rationally in ages.

I made my way to Armin’s grave by memory and ceased my walking when I found the gravestone that had “Armin Arlert” inscribed on it. Guilt struck me like a bolt of lightning; that was the first time since his funeral that I’vd visited him. I’f been so lost in my own world of despair that I failed to honor Armin’s memory even once, and I felt tears well up in my eyes as I stared at the tombstone. Armin Arlert, 1995-2011. I allowed myself to sink down to my knees, taking in the severity of the dates on the rock. Sixteen years of life was nothing when we’re all supposed to experience damn near one hundred. My tears spilled over and I let them cascade down over my cheeks as I placed the bouquet in front of his tombstone. I glanced up and scan my surroundings; there’s nobody else around, so I allow myself to speak out loud.

“I miss you so much, Armin. Life’s been a living hell since you left. I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve done, and I hope that when I die you’ll be there waiting for me with open arms. I don’t deserve you in the slightest, but I hope you’ll still accept me anyways.”

I felt Armin’s presence surrounding me—I couldn’t tell if it were a legitimate feeling or just what my mind told me I felt, but either way, it was comforting. It was as if Armin was telling me that he forgave me, which I prayed was true. For the first time in a year, I felt a sort of calm wash over me without having to hurt myself to feel it. My tears were quiet—not the harsh sobs that had wracked my body so many times after Armin’s death. Everything around me was peaceful. It was chilly for being a summer day, and I didn’t feel at all overheated in my navy blue hoodie. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the air around me.

I wasn't about to say that I was ready to heal and about to begin the journey of actively pursuing salvation, because that would've been a lie. Change does not happen overnight and even if I wanted to change my ways, it would have been so much more than saying “I’m done”. Just because I sensed that Armin had always forgiven me for his own demise did not mean that I could magically stop feeling like it was my entire fault. I could not reverse an entire year’s worth of downfall over one day of realization, and it would've been foolish to think I could.

Not to mention that I simply didn't want to give up hurting myself. Self-harm's an addiction, just in the way that heroin users, or cocaine users, or alcoholics were. Just because self-harm was generally less acceptable does not mean that the clutches of addiction were not just as severe as others; society just chose to ignore the issue because it made people uncomfortable to think about. As such, I was addicted. I knew that. I’d known that from the first time I actually took the time to examine my arms that were covered in countless wounds in varying stages of healing and scarring. I had no motivation to stop from destroying myself just because I knew that I was alive. I was wasting my life, and I was fully aware of that. People tended to think that people who hurt themselves aren’t aware of what exactly they’re doing, and that misconception is complete and utter bullshit.

But I thought that maybe, in honor of Armin’s memory, I could do something more than just sit in my room alone at all times. Mom had been asking for quite some time if I was considering searching for a job; I’d always ignored her pleads and avoided answering that question. Social interaction had not been graceful for me in the past year. Which was my fault, I understood. But I was low on money, and I still had to pay for gas. Not to mention pills costed money, as well. I made a note to myself to make a conscious effort to pick up a couple of applications. I could at least handle that, I hoped.

A gentle breeze stirred around me and I noticed that my crying had stopped, leaving a trail of dried tears spread across my face. It was odd to feel alive again, and I made sure to enjoy the moment, because I wasn't dumb enough to believe that the calm would last for long. It was as if visiting Armin’s grave had provided me with a sort of closure that I had apparently never received. Once I got home, I would still be in the same situation that I was before. I would still be alone in my struggle to find the motivation just to get out of bed in a day, and I couldn’t change all by myself. I had fallen, and I would have needed someone to help me stand. Even if only slightly.

I decided that I wouldn’t cut myself (or engage in any form of self-harm, for that matter) for the rest of the day, at least. I lacked self-control those days but I could at least make it through the remainder of that day to honor Armin’s memory, if only slightly. It was all I could offer. Despite the cause, I could still feel a tiny bubble of anxiety rise within me knowing that I’d go for the rest of the day without providing any pain for myself. But I was determined to accomplish at least one thing. 

_Determined._ Huh. I hadn’t thought about the concept of determination in a long time. Back when Armin and I were young, I was full of determination. I would accomplish whatever I put my mind to, especially when I had Armin by my side to help me accomplish it. I would willingly go through the depths of hell just to reach my goals. My determination had been my most dominant personality trait, and it had become practically nonexistent. If not for my self-made promise not to hurt myself for the day, it would've been completely nonexistent. After all the times that I had told Armin to never give up on anything no matter what, I had hypocritically discarded my own advice. Because at that point, I lacked the will to succeed. That would've been too much effort and I couldn’t give enough of a fuck.

I really was a disgrace to Armin, but I had known that all along. I was in too far, now—my grave had been dug. As I lifted my head to once again cast my eyes to the tombstone placed on the ground in front of me, I whispered, “I’m sorry, Armin.” 

Because I was sorry. I was always sorry. Sorry that I couldn’t save him, that instead I had caused his death. Sorry that I couldn’t make something of myself after he died like he would have wanted me to. Sorry that I couldn’t look past the guilt that consumed my entire being. I was sorry for never having visited his grave a single time in the span of a year. I was sorry that he was no longer a part of this world. I still loved him, and I prayed that he still loved me, too, wherever he was. 

I spent roughly two and a half hours kneeling in front of Armin’s grave, and my limbs were stiff when I finally stood up. After stretching, I cast one more look at his grave before turning away. As I turned my body, I said out loud, “Goodbye for now, Armin. I promise I’ll come and visit more often now, and I’ll make sure I always bring you flowers.” 

I took my time in walking back to my car, not really wanting to return home. Home would just send me spiraling down back into my usual angry, unmotivated state of being. When my car was within eyesight, I noticed that there was a black motorcycle parked a little ways away from it. The cemetery Armin was buried in was small, so there was seldom more than a couple people visiting at a time, and the motorcycle was the only other vehicle around. 

As I got gradually closer to my car, I saw a man approach the motorcycle. He was wearing dark jeans and a black leather jacket (True to motorcyclist stereotype, but it wasn’t one sporting the name of a group across the back or adorned with a bunch of patches like a lot were), and as he closed the distance to his bike, he grabbed a helmet he'd had stashed somewhere along the bike. The helmet was a shiny black and the man secured it over his head before climbing onto the bike. Before he’d put on his helmet, I’d seen black hair messily swept over the sides of his head. I thought he seemed a bit small, but since I was still kind of far-off, so I figured it was just the angle and distance. It'd also been impossible to tell what age he had been; for all I knew, he could have been forty years old.

As I watched him start the engine of his bike and ride off, I found myself wondering who he’d been visiting; wondering what loved one of his had been taken away from him. I shrugged off the thought, knowing that it was a pointless question, since he was some random stranger I would probably never see again. 

I climbed into my car and drove off, reluctantly traveling along the route that would take me back home.

-x-

Mom was in the process of making dinner when I got home. She turned away from her cooking to greet me once I was in the door, asking, “Are you hungry?” 

“No.” My response was automatic. I seldom accepted any food offered to me. I had grown used to eating one small meal once a day, and even that was forced. My lack of nutrition often left me slightly weak, but since I didn’t partake in any physically straining activities, it didn’t matter much. She looked a bit crestfallen but I could tell she wasn’t surprised at all. She probably assumed I'd eaten while I was out, and if she would ask if I did, I wouldn’t say no.

Mikasa was nowhere in sight, but that was nothing new. She was sitting in her room, I assumed, probably staring at her TV or something. She still came out for dinner, though. I never visited her in her room anymore, and since I seldom ate supper with them, I really didn’t see her much at all. Since some of my fair mood still lingered on, I made the decision to knock on her door and entered once I heard a soft “come in” from the inside. From the surprise on her face, I gathered that she'd assumed it was mom at her door. 

“Hey, Eren.” She said in the detached drawl she had developed over the past year. I came to the realization that we probably should have tried to find comfort in each other instead of both choosing isolation; perhaps we would've been in a different position that day if we had. Just another choice I was left to regret. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, and I could hear voices emanating from the television placed along the wall opposite to the bed. Her comforter was red, as were her pillows. Red had always been her favorite color and she often kept a red scarf wrapped around her neck. Her face seemed hollow, and I could tell she was in about as bright of a place in life as I was. I felt my heart break, understanding her pain. 

“Hey.” I responded, and it sounded awkward. We'd once been ridiculously close but at that point we were both distant; not only from each other, but from the world. She was wearing a white tank top and pair of jean shorts, and I was relieved to see her skin still fair and unmarred- she hadn’t chosen the coping mechanism that I had. Although I wasn't sure her extreme emotional detachment was much healthier at all. 

When Mikasa said nothing, I thought of something to say.

“So, have you, uh, considered trying to get a job?” I asked. 

“Not really, I guess.” Mikasa replied, eyes glued to the television. 

“Do you want to go job hunting with me if I go?”

“I guess.” Her answer was empty and I knew she was barely paying attention to me. 

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“Go ahead.” I awkwardly sat myself beside her on the bed. 

“So, what are you watching?” I asked, desperate to get a half-decent response. 

Mikasa didn't respond. Irritation sparked in me and I tried to keep myself from getting upset over nothing; she probably just hadn’t heard me.

I repeated the question. Again, no response. 

“Mikasa?” I asked, tone weighed down with frustration.

“Hm?”

“I asked what you were watching.”

“Oh. I don’t know.”

“How do you not know what you’re spending your time watching?”

“Wasn’t paying attention.”

So her focus hadn’t actually been on the TV. She really was lost in her own world and the thought simultaneously saddened and pissed me off. I wanted to be the only one hurt. Mikasa deserved better than sitting alone in her room oblivious to anything happening around her. I felt deep regret. I could've prevented this if I would've just taken the time to make sure she was okay. IT was one more reason to hate myself and one more reason for my next cut to take place. Without thinking, I leaned against her and wrapped my arms around her. 

She didn't respond to the touch and instead just continued sitting there staring at the TV. I sighed heavily before I pulled my arms away from her and got back up without saying anything. I couldn’t bear to watch her unresponsive stupor any longer. I closed the door behind me without looking back. While I was crossing the hall in order to enter my own room, I heard mom shout to Mikasa that dinner was ready. She left her room at the same time that I entered mine.

-x-

The evening passed horridly slow for me and I tried to keep my focus aimed at my television so that I wouldn’t have to think. Thinking was dangerous for me when I was alone. I could think of hundreds of reasons why I was a piece of shit, which would inevitably lead to making bad decisions. I would be relieved of my worries for the evening as I watched myself bleed. And then I would wake up the next morning with regret and self-hatred coursing through me like venom. I would crawl into the shower and feel the burn of the hot water crashing against last night’s wounds. I would struggle through the daytime and then repeat the evening routine. That was how the past year of my life had proceeded, but that night I broke the cycle.

I tried to immerse myself in the universe of _The Walking Dead_ , which was the only semi-interesting show on at the moment. I tried to focus every ounce of my attention to the characters displayed on the screen. I found my mind drifting back to the motorcyclist I had seen at the cemetery. I also thought about Armin quite a few times throughout the night, and I tried to focus on happy memories from when we were young. The evening lasted an unbearably long time, but eventually it was late enough for me to be able to go to bed. I tossed around the idea of taking one of my sleeping pills, but decided that since the day had been significantly less awful than most (Other than Mikasa’s eerie distance which had definitely shaken me) that I would try and fall asleep without them for once. It took a fair chunk of time to fall asleep but eventually I was able to fall into slumber without the aid of my pills.

I had nightmares that night; I’d been in the car with Armin on that awful night, but instead of hitting another car, I hit the motorcyclist from the cemetery. At the end of the nightmare, both Armin and the motorcyclist were dead and the life was draining out of me as well when I woke up drenched in sweat. I tossed and turned for a couple hours after that until I was exhausted enough to slip back into unconsciousness.

I woke up around ten the next morning. Still disoriented from the transition between sleep and waking, I was shocked to find no fresh wounds displayed across either of my arms. As my mind cleared I remembered my trip to the cemetery and my promise that I made to myself to go one day without self-harming.

That was the first victory I’d had in a year, but it was too insignificant for me to feel overjoyed or proud of myself or anything like that. It’d be quite some time yet before I’d be able to appreciate even the tiniest of successes. 

I decided to get dressed and seek out employment opportunities. I threw on a pair of light-colored jeans and a dark green hoodie over a silver t-shirt before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair and all that bullshit. Once I was ready to go, I knocked on Mikasa’s door. When she gave me permission to enter I asked if she wanted to join me. She was still lying in bed in her pajamas. She said that I could go without her, and I just nodded as I left the room. I tried to think of places that would be the most likely to accept if I wore long-sleeves; most places likely did, but I still had to be careful. The easiest way to ensure that I didn’t get a job would be to wear short-sleeves on my first day, assuming anyone would consider hiring me in the first place.

I tried to avoid fast food places, telling myself that if I couldn’t get hired anywhere else, I would go back and apply to them. I wasn’t all that sure why I even wanted a job; in the end I concluded that I wanted it to provide a distraction that would make the days pass a little quicker. In any case, it was at least a logical answer. Oh, and money. I may have hated life but nobody hates money. Money made the shitty world go round, after all. 

I picked up several applications; most of them were options in retail and gas stations. I hated asking for applications, and my lack of social grace definitely did not help. I bluntly and awkwardly asked for them, but hey, at least I managed to get them. I filled them all out when I got home and turned them in the next day. There was still about three weeks left of summer, so I had nothing better to do, anyways. I told mom I’d applied to a few different places, and she seemed to be pretty happy about it. I hadn’t talked to my dad in over a week, which was more than fine with me. The bastard could stand to leave me alone for a while; I preferred the old days when he never bothered to call me at all. 

I didn’t expect to get any callbacks. I was almost eighteen and had yet to snag my first job, and they always say that you need a job for experience, but need experience to get a job. Which was a shitty setup when you thought about it. Actually, you didn't even need to think about it. It was fucking bullshit is what it was. Most aspects of life, in fact, are fucking bullshit if you take a second and think about them.

I was met with a pleasant surprise, however, when three days after turning in my application, 7-Eleven called me and asked to set up an interview. I held my cellphone in one hand and my blood-soaked rag in the other as I spoke with the manager who'd called me, deciding on an interview at 3 p.m. the next day.

The poor bastards were actually considering giving me a shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an intense need for a motorcyclist Levi, okay.


	4. Neutral and Negative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes to his job interview, and after being back home for a couple hours is met with an unpleasant surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New trigger warning added into the mix; this time for abuse.

Two important events took place the next day, which automatically made that day more eventful than a strong majority of them. The happier of the two came first. 

That morning I stayed in bed until noon. Since my interview wasn’t until three o’ clock, there was no reason for me to get up. It wasn’t like I was going to go for a pleasant morning stroll or something. I crawled out of bed and dragged myself to the closet so that I could pull together an outfit that would make me seem halfway presentable for my interview. I decided on a dark blue and white plaid button down shirt and pair of khakis. I threw on one of my hoodies (in case mother was in the hall for whatever reason) before gathering the clothes into my arms and making my way to the bathroom. Once inside, I stripped myself of the sweatshirt and green pajama pants that I’d been wearing and turned the water up as hot as it would go. All of my wounds were exposed on my naked body and I had no choice but to notice them as I stepped into the stall raining scalding water.

I had woken up with the intention of trying to keep a decent attitude for the day, if only to aid myself for my interview later. A positive outlook would help me better answer the questions they were sure to throw at me. But that was damn near impossible to do when the evidence of my hatred towards myself and life was right in front of me. That’s the thing about hurting yourself; you can’t just take a break for a day and pretend like you didn’t spend the previous night making yourself bleed. The evidence is written all over yourself and you can’t escape it. I couldn't keep a decent mindset as my cuts burned with the irritation of being constantly assaulted by the water cascading from the shower head. Just another aspect of self-harm that makes it such an unbearably vicious cycle. What a shame, the day had seemed bearable moments ago. 

Frustration ate away at me as I finished scrubbing myself clean, doing my damnedest to keep my eyes off of my arms. I turned off the water and grabbed the red towel I’d slung over the bar, toweling myself dry before slipping into the clothes I’d brought in with me. There were still a couple hours before my interview, but I put my interview clothes on regardless. I decided it would be a decent time to go visit Armin. I buttoned up my shirt and attempted to comb my hair into something a bit more decent than its typical sporadic mess. Once I was satisfied with it, I brushed my teeth and left the bathroom. I grabbed my keys from the holder we kept in the kitchen and hurried through the door before mom could ask if I wanted something to eat; I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t bother to eat anything before my interview. 

I made sure to pick up flowers on the way to the cemetery at the same shop I’d gone to before. The woman gave me a bright smile and asked if I was giving them to someone special, and I just said yes. It’s not like I was lying. She was a sweet old woman and told me whatever girl would be receiving them was a lucky one. I wanted to laugh bitterly in her face; nobody would be lucky to have to deal with me and my self-destructive bullshit. After I paid for the flowers with my debit card, I drove up to the cemetery and parked in the same spot that I had when I visited last time. There weren’t any other vehicles in the parking area, so unless people had arrived by foot, I was alone among the deceased. It was uncomfortably hot for wearing pants with a long-sleeved shirt, but I’d grown used to discomfort regarding temperature, so it didn't bother me much.

I followed the route that would quickest lead me to stand face to face with Armin’s grave. 

“I told you I’d come back, didn’t I? See, now I’m here. I have a job interview today, Armin. I hope you’re proud of me, wherever you are right now. I’m doing this all for you, because I want you to know that I still love you more than I’ll love anything else in this world. I don’t even know that I’ll get the job, but it’s a start, I guess. Hopefully I don’t fuck it up too badly when I get there, because I still suck at social interaction.” I knelt down on one knee and placed the flowers on the soft, vibrant green summer grass in front of Armin’s tombstone. 

“God, Armin, I miss you so much. I wish you were still here by my side. I love you so fucking much and I miss you.” A single tear rolled down my cheek and my voice broke near the end of the statement. I hung my head and stood there just like that for a while, reminiscing the past when I still got to see Armin’s face every single day. The happy memories were eventually stolen away by my memories of the crash, and I shuddered as remorse coursed through me. My tears flowed more freely as time passed. 

I spent quite some time there and when I took out my phone to check the time, I realized that I was running a bit too short on time. I would have to run back to my car and speed just to make it there on time. Looked like I was fucked already. Typical.

I sprinted back to my car to the best of my ability (I never had been an athletic person, and it was even worse since I didn’t exactly bother to take care of myself anymore) and shoved my key into the ignition. I flung the car into reverse and then immediately to drive once I had enough space. Since it was the middle of the afternoon and a weekday, the roads weren’t overly crowded. Thank god for that. The speed limit in town was twenty-five mph, so naturally I clocked out at roughly fifty for most of the drive. The 7-Eleven was a few miles out of town and once out of town I went about seventy for the remainder of the way. I pulled up to 7-Eleven exactly two minutes before my scheduled interview, and I fucking ran as hard as I could until I was in the doors of the building.

I flung myself into the building and allowed myself a few seconds to catch my breath, because I definitely needed it. I gathered my bearings and approached the counter, telling the short blonde girl manning the counter that I was there for an interview. I glanced at the clock; I had made it just barely on time. But I had still made it, by some intense stroke of luck. The employee led me into the office placed behind the service counter, where a tall blonde man was focused on working through a tall stack of paperwork. The girl cleared her throat loudly to announce our presence. Blondie over there snapped to attention and immediately got up from his seat.

“Ah, thanks, Annie. I’ll take it from here.”

“Yeah.” Annie replied. She didn’t seem like a sociable person; I decided that if I got hired, she’d be my favorite coworker, since she likely wouldn’t try bullshit small talk on me. She swiftly turned back the way we’d come and disappeared from sight. The man gave me a warm smile as he approached me with a walk that could only be described as graceful. He belonged in a role fancier than a manager of 7-Eleven, that was for sure. I forced myself to smile back, hoping my attempt at looking like a content person was slightly believable. If Blondie caught the reluctance behind my smile he didn’t show it, for which I was grateful. Another important note to make was that he was irritatingly handsome. How he settled for working for 7-Eleven, I would never understand.

He extended his hand to me and I stared at it blankly before realizing he was offering me a handshake. I awkwardly took his hand and he shook it enthusiastically, still smiling. 

“I’m Erwin Smith. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eren.” 

“You too.” My voice was dry in my throat; I was still scared of fucking up the whole thing and I already felt like I was failing miserably even though the interview hadn’t technically begun yet. Erwin directed me into a cushioned chair sitting in front of his desk, and I sat down, minding my posture. I probably looked nervous and stiff as opposed to proper, but whatever. I felt irrationally self-conscious of my cuts and scars despite knowing that they were all covered by my plaid shirt. I absentmindedly tapped one of my fingers against the inside of my arm while I waited for Erwin to start asking me questions.

“So, Eren, it’s a stereotypical question, but why did you apply to work at 7-Eleven?”

“I, uh, wanted a chance to get some work experience before going into college next year, and I’ve always come to 7-Eleven, so…” I trailed off, hearing the hesitation and lack of certainty in my voice. Well, hell. You’re supposed to sound confident for this shit. He disregarded my awkwardness, however, and provided me with what was likely meant to be a look of reassurance.  


"An overly common answer, but still solid.” I forced another smile as he moved on.

“So, what could you offer us as an employee?”

“I. Um. I’m a hard worker and…I work well on a team.” Of course, that last part was a lie and at this point I’m not sure the first part was entirely truthful, either. But I would try and make an effort if by some small chance they did choose to hire me. But goddammit, I hate this interview. I’m choking on my own words and blondie must think I’m a complete idiot by now. Hopefully this wouldn’t last long. 

Blondie was relatively short and sweet with the rest of the interview, thank god. He asked me some of the more trivial questions, like if I thought I could deal with an angry customer. Why customers would be angry at a fucking 7-Eleven was beyond me but I knew it was a fair question. I tried to convince him that I could and he decided my response was decent enough. So I had managed not to fuck one part of the interview up. I had a difficult time formulating responses, however, and I said “um” far more than was probably acceptable. Erwin didn’t seem to mind at all, though. But I still got the feeling that I wouldn’t be receiving a callback. Finally, Erwin stood up and motioned for me to do the same.

“Well, Eren, we’ll be making our choice within the next couple of days, so I’ll be in touch if we choose you, sound good?” 

“Okay.”

“It was a pleasure meeting you. Have a good evening, alright?” He extended his arm like he had in the beginning of the interview, and this time I was prepared for it. I grasped his strong hand with my relatively frail one.

I shook hands with him and said, “Thank you for your time.” I try and grin but it’s more likely to be categorized as a horrifying grimace. There’s something to be said for effort, though, especially when I haven’t put effort into anything for over a year. I once again found myself hopeful that Armin would be proud of me right now. Erwin and I exchanged a simplistic “goodbye” before he showed me out of his office. I passed Annie, who scrutinized me with a measured expression as I walked by the service counter and then out the automatic doors. It had gotten hotter outside while I’d been doing my interview, and I could feel sweat begin to accumulate across my brow as I hurried back to my air-conditioned car. The humidity was so high you could’ve cut the air with a knife; it was stifling. 

Once in the safety of my own car, I cranked up the air conditioner and rolled up my sleeves. I made a mental note to myself to roll them back down before I walked into the house. I drove according to the rules this time, and didn’t go twice the speed limit. The interview had lasted less than a half hour, much to my surprise; it was barely three-thirty in the afternoon. The roads were still relatively quiet and the drive back home was uneventful. A part of me hoped that I’d be hearing back from Erwin, no matter how unrealistic the thought may have been. I couldn’t let myself be overly hopeful because then it would suck that much more when I didn’t get a call, so I pushed the hopeful thoughts to the back of my mind.

When I got back to the house, I rolled down my sleeves before even turning off the car. Mother was sitting on the living room couch watching an old sitcom when I walked through the door. She paused the TV and glanced up at me as I crossed from the kitchen to the living room so that I could have access to the hall and then hole myself up in my room for the rest of the night. 

“How’d your interview go, sweetie?”

“It was good.”

“I’m glad to hear it! I’m sure you have a great chance at landing the job.”

I didn’t respond to her cheery words of encouragement. I hurried off to my room and closed the door behind me. I climbed onto my bed and drew my knees up to my chest as I grabbed the TV remote from where it had landed last time I had tossed it onto the bed. There was nothing decent on, so I just stared mindlessly on some dumb show that involved a lot of crime and heroin addiction. It was really depressing to watch, actually. But I didn’t change the channel. The guy on the show had overdosed on heroin and was trying to recover while escaping his past crimes. Or something; I wasn’t paying all that close of attention. As the show approached its conclusion, I heard a knock at my door. Strange; mother rarely bothers me in my room anymore. 

I called out, “What?” in a voice laced with irritation; I hate being bothered in my room even when I’m just mindlessly watching TV. 

Mother responds, “Could you come out for a bit?”

I sighed heavily and slowly picked myself up from the bed and clicked the “off” button on my TV remote. I trudged over to my door and opened it; mother was standing in front of the door with a sheepish smile adorning her face. Confusion filled me as I stared at her.

“Your father’s home.”

This was the second important event that took place today; by far the lesser pleasant of the two.  
Very rarely did father ever bother to come home; and given the nature of most of our recent phone conversations, this news caused dread to course through me with the force of a hurricane. The last person I wanted to see was my father, and any positive thoughts I’d had that day disappeared so suddenly that I began to doubt they’d ever existed in the first place. I didn’t know how much mother knew about the conversations between father and me, but I could tell she knew enough to understand my reluctance to follow her into the living room. She shot me a worried glance, and as I caught her gaze I realized that she seemed rather tense herself. Had she and dad been fighting, too…? 

I guess I’d find out soon enough.

Mikasa was already in the living room when mother and I walked in; she was sitting on the tan leather couch in the center of our living room and father was sitting on our black recliner. Her face was as expressionless as it ever was, and she wasn’t making conversation with dad. Dad’s expression was stone cold and was a look that very clearly followed the statement of “if looks could kill”. I honestly believed he couldn’t look like more of an asshole even if he tried, but as usual, he never ceased to surprise me. He looked up when he heard our entrance into the room, and his face immediately fell into a murderous expression when his eyes landed on me. I noticed he had one of his hands wrapped protectively over a small round glass containing a golden colored liquid; whiskey? 

Father had never been one to drink, so it was odd to see him clutching the glass like it would disappear at any moment. As he stared at me with his cruel eyes, he lifted the cup to his lips and took a deep drink from it. I glanced at mother who had a sorrowful look on her face; her gaze was fixed on the cup of alcohol. 

Suddenly it all made sense. Dad, that bastard, had developed himself a little alcohol problem. That explained the harsh words he always threw at me over the phone. Explained, but did not excuse them. Hatred burned through me like a wildfire; he had told me to die. I didn’t need anyone else telling me I was a shitty human being; I already had myself to constantly remind me of what a piece of shit I am. 

“Well, you piss-poor excuse for a son, aren’t you going to at least greet me?”

“Hi, dad.” I hissed the words out through clenched teeth. His face itself was enough to piss me the fuck off.

“So your mother told me you had a job interview today.”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck took you so long? You’re eighteen years old. Care to explain why this would be your first job?”

I remained quiet.

He moved on. “You know nobody’s going to want to hire your pathetic ass, right? What have you been doing the past year? Wasting your life is what. God, I’m ashamed to have to call you my son.” 

The alcohol tainted his words and you could faintly hear the beginnings of slurred speech in his voice. It was obvious that he’d been drinking for some time already, but he wasn’t yet drunk. Each word that escaped his lips drove a fresh dagger into my heart. I already knew I was wasting my life. I was fully aware that I was already eighteen and that I had yet to have a job. Trust me, dad, I fucking know nobody would want to hire me. Yes, I’m a fuckup. Stop reminding me, because I already know.

“And I hear your grades have been absolute shit this past year. What the fuck is wrong with you? You need to get your shit together.”

Both mother and Mikasa had held their tongues while dad went on his little rant. They both watched me carefully, waiting to see my reaction. I was furious. This was absolute bullshit. I gave him the most venomous look that I could manage before turning on my heel to go right back to my room. I wanted to cry, to be honest. I’d never really liked my dad before as it was. His words were full of truth but they burned. They burned a lot. 

Father started screaming at me to get my ass right back there and let him talk to me about how badly I needed reform; I ignored him. Mother made no attempt to stop me as I stomped off down the hall, seething with anger. I slammed the door forcefully as I crawled right back to my bed. My emotional state was nowhere near stable enough to hear such vicious statements and still be okay. The alcohol may have been talking but I could tell that dad was one hundred percent aware of the words he spewed. 

I hated myself for the burning tears that stung my eyes and blurred my vision. Dad was still shouting, but mom was trying to calm him down. I heard her reassure him that I would be out to eat supper with them and that they could talk then. She also told him that he needed to tone it down and that there was no reason for him to speak to me in such a harsh manner. I tuned out their voices and turned the television back on, trying to keep myself calm.

Calming myself down improved to be an impossible task without the aid of a crutch. Since I would inevitably have to deal with supper with the family, I couldn’t really just go and cut myself, as much as I wanted to. I didn’t want to deal with the blood still flowing freely in the event that supper was almost done; I hadn’t gotten the chance to scan the kitchen for clues as to when supper would be. A black lighter was lying haphazardly about on my floor, and I scooped it up into my hand. Perfect; there would be no blood to deal with but I could still feel a fair share of pain. Once perched on my bed again, tears still flowing, I lifted the right sleeve of my shirt; since cutting was harder to do with my non-dominant hand, my right arm had more burn scars/bruises/scratches than my left arm did, which was predominantly cuts. 

With a swift movement of my finger, the lighter produced a small, flickering yellow-orange flame. Calm washed over me as I held the flame directly below my arm, watching as the skin turned red. The burn of the fire replaced the burn left by my father’s words, and I exhaled deeply as pain pulsed through my arm. I didn’t pull the flame away from my flesh until I was satisfied with the mark left on my melted skin. Suddenly everything was alright again. My dad was an asshole, that couldn’t be denied, but for the moment he couldn’t hurt me. Only I could hurt me when I’m alone in my room. Those are the times when I’m both in control and out of control with my pain. In control in the sense that I decide how much pain to go through, and out of control in the way that I damn near always go farther than originally intended.

The world around me fell away and I was left with only myself and my burning arm. Life was so much more simplistic that way.

My attention was still centered around my wound when I heard a soft knocking on my door. I looked at the clock to find that it was almost six, so it was safe to assume that it was mother summoning me to supper. Sure enough, it was mother’s voice that reached me through the closed door. 

“Honey, dinner’s ready, so you’re gonna have to come out and join us, since your father’s home.” Worry radiated off of her voice; she was concerned about the strain between me and dad. I didn’t bother turning the TV off as I rolled down my sleeve whilst approaching my door. Mother wasn’t there; she had returned to the kitchen to make sure everything was completely ready to be served. I made my way into the kitchen and silently took my place at the table. Mother had made chicken with potatoes and mixed vegetables; she placed all of the different items on the center of the table so that everybody could serve themselves as they pleased. I took the smallest amount of food that I could safely get away with; I wasn’t even doing it to purposely deprive myself of food at this point, I was simply used to not eating much.

A tense silence filled the air as everybody began eating their meal. Everybody seemed to pick at their food nervously except for dad, who consumed his plate without a care in the world. He paused every now and then to take a swig of his whiskey glass (It was confirmed to be whiskey by the bottle sitting on the kitchen counter), which had been refilled before dinner started. I waited with apprehension for someone to break the silence, knowing that it would be dad. 

“You know, Eren, I heard that Mikasa got excellent grades this past school year. I was disappointed to hear that she’d quit sports, but her lovely grades make up for that. I’m very proud of her.”

I could see very clearly where this conversation was headed.

“But to my dismay, I’ve heard quite the opposite is true for you. Straight D’s; just barely good enough to pass. One step away from failing, according to the official rules. But in my book, that’s downright shameful. How dare you think that’s acceptable? Look me in the eyes, son; I dare you to tell me you think that’s acceptable.”

I avoided his eyes and forced myself to chew the piece of chicken I’d put into my mouth.

“I said look at me, goddammit!” Dad slammed his fork against the table in frustration. Drinking did nothing to help his temper, that was for sure. He’d always been an irate man as it was, but now it was a hundred times worse.

I felt like I was suffocating. 

I slowly lifted my eyes to dad’s face, bracing myself for his wrath.

“So, you think that bullshit is acceptable, do you?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Then why the fuck would you do it?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” The apology was hollow, but it was all I could muster.

“It’s definitely not alright. You’re fucking worthless. Bad grades, no job, and what’s worse is that you took that poor boy’s life by being a fucking idiot.”

Pain crashed into me like a brick wall and I felt like I’d just been stabbed repeatedly in the heart. That was a dreadfully low blow. I was shaking from a mixture of anger and overwhelming grief. 

“That’s right. You’re the reason that boy is dead.”

He would have kept talking on and on, but mom cut in.

“Grisha, that’s enough. Stop it. Armin’s death wasn’t Eren’s fault and you shouldn’t accuse him.”

“Shut up, Carla.”

“Then stop being an asshole to our child.”

“He deserves it.”

“No, he doesn’t. Apologize to him.”

“Like hell I’ll apologize to that filth.”

“This is why you should never drink and you know it.” The statement was dripping with venom as it escaped mom’s lips. She had practically whispered it but there was no mistaking the bitterness in her tone.

“Oh, don’t you fucking start with me. I can handle my liquor just fine; you’re overreacting.” 

Silence. Uncomfortable silence, at that.

I was the first one done, since I’d had significantly less on my plate than anyone else. I excused myself and set my plate in the sink. I was about to head back into my room when I felt my dad’s presence right beside me. I looked over and was met with his drunken face way too close to my own. Mom and Mikasa were still absorbed in their eating. Dad leaned in and whispered into my ear, “This isn’t over yet, disgrace.” 

He shuffled away immediately after he said that, rinsing his plate off and then sitting it on top of mine in the sink. A lump settled in my throat as I went back to the safety of my own room. I had no clue how long dad was home for, but I prayed that it would be a short visit. My TV was still on Investigation Discovery (which was what I’d had on since I got home) and I tried to absorb myself into the current show (a show based on affairs that end up with murder), filled with self-loathing. I watched the TV for a couple of hours while I thought about all the negative aspects of life. Life had been difficult enough without dad being home. His phone calls had sucked to deal with already, but I would have chosen to answer one thousand of those calls in exchange for his physical presence being anywhere but here.

I was reminded that I the reason Armin was dead. Just like dad said, it’s all my fault. I’m fucking worthless. I have no good qualities left. I have nothing left, actually. Dad was just confirming the truth. There was still a burning sensation dancing on my flesh where I’d burned it before supper, but it wasn’t enough. One of my razor blades was sitting on my nightstand, calling me to it with its deadly shine. I was reaching out towards it when noise filled my room without warning.

My room doesn’t actually have a lock. If it did, it would be locked every time I was in my room. Thus far, I’ve been fortunate enough to get the message across that a closed door means don’t barge in and disturb me; mother and Mikasa have been compliant to that. 

…Shit. Because neither of them had been a concern, I’d never bothered to clean up after myself. My room was littered with evidence of my own self-destructive tendencies; razor blades scattered about, the pill bottle on my nightstand, a bloody rag laying on the floor beside my bed, and there was even a bottle of vodka that I’d managed to get my hands on. Dad was already barging in on my room, so I had no time to hide anything. I wondered how long it would take him to notice; if he were sober enough to notice at all.  
I had no way of escaping the situation. And it sucked. I could do nothing as the raging drunk who claimed himself to be my father approached me with a sloppy gait. I was prepared to be verbally abused; I wasn’t prepared for what ended up happening.

When dad was right in front of me, he yanked me up off the bed by the front of my shirt.

“I told you I wasn’t done with you yet, didn’t I?” He was damn near shouting. Fear struck me as I looked into his wrathful face; he’d managed to get absolutely fucking wasted in the past couple of hours. He was far beyond reason at this point; I could see it in his eyes that he was drowning in his intoxication. I wouldn’t be able to anticipate his actions.

“Well, you fucking waste of space, what do you have to say for yourself? For being a fucking worthless piece of shit since your little friend died? You have no right to be sad about that because it’s your fucking fault! So get the fuck over it! Fucking get over it!” He was screaming full force by the end of his exclamation. 

When I didn’t respond, I felt him tremble with rage. He still had me lifted in the air; I wasn’t all that heavy. 

“How dare you even be alive? Fucking trash, how dare you be my son!”

I was tiring of his accusatory remarks. I didn’t even want to be considered his son, anyways. 

“I’m fucking trying, you fucking drunken bastard!” I couldn’t help myself. I screamed right back at him. 

Suddenly I felt my back crash against a wall, and I sank down to my knees after the impact. Dad had shoved me against the wall. I landed right next to my bloodied white rag that I used to soak up my own blood after making fresh cuts. Dazed and confused, I stayed doubled-over in pain as dad just stared at me. When I tried to correct my position so that I could stand out, my stomach was met with a crushing blow. Dad had kicked me right back down without a second thought. After the forceful kick, he seemed to be satisfied with his work, at least for tonight. Without another word he stumbled out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. I could hear him and mother screaming at each other as I crouched on the floor. I started sobbing uncontrollably; it was all far too much for me to handle. The harsh words. The actual physical blows. Why did dad have to be back?

He hadn’t noticed any of my tools that surrounded me in the room, which was good. But I was way too upset to be able to focus on the only neutral part of the situation. 

Why would you kick a dog that’s already down?

Why break what’s already broken?

Just when some tiny shred of light had been finding its way into my life, it was mercilessly stomped on. Sounds about fucking right.

I didn’t get up off the floor. Instead, I let my body fall heavily to the floor. My head was resting on my own bloody rag. Tears streamed down my face and then fell to the floor, creating tiny wet marks on the white carpeting. I laid there just like that for the rest of the night. Getting up was pointless. Everything was pointless. 

And so I spent the night crying on my floor, still dressed in my khakis and plaid button down shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Levi will be officially introduced. c:  
> Edit; I changed the job from Target to 7-Eleven, so please just let me know if there's any places left that still mention Target.


	5. Callbacks and First Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is thrown into the mix.

I woke up in a state of confusion the next morning; I wasn’t sure why my stomach or my back hurt so much. After lying still for a moment my mind cleared and I remembered the previous night and flinched involuntarily. I never thought my own father could be so cruel as to physically beat me down after a never-ending verbal assault. I was alive, and I was breathing, but it didn’t even feel like it. Last night had opened an engulfing black hole of despair; and I was living in a state of turmoil as it was. The fabric of my shirt rubbed against my arm and I was reminded that I was lying on the floor. With stiff joints I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position. I discovered that I had a severe headache, and I lift myself up far enough to dig around in the drawer of my nightstand for a bottle of ibuprofen. Prescription painkillers don’t help headaches, so I opted for the weak but effective ibuprofen tablets. My face felt stiff from the tears that had dried across my cheeks last night.

I should be safe for now; it was a weekday and dad would no doubt have work to do. That reminds me; I should ask how long dad’s staying with us. I hope it’s just because he has a job close to where we live, and that once that particular task is completed he’ll head back out. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to face a situation like last night’s again, especially within a short span of time. I feel like puking at the thought. 

The first thing I did when I finally dragged myself completely off the ground was gather all of my harmful belongings. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and threw everything inside, right down to the bottle of pills beside my bed. Obviously my room was no longer a place of safety, a place where to escape and handle life however I pleased. Dad had stripped me of the one comfort I’d had left. Thanks for that, you cruel fucking asshole. It took about forty five minutes for the ibuprofen to kick in, and the pain in my stomach and back was dulled down to an ache. 

I came to the realization that I couldn’t avoid leaving my room forever; mother knew that dad had come into my room last night. I doubted that she knew exactly how much he fucked me up, though. Regardless, questions would arise and I may as well go get them over with. I didn’t bother with a change of clothes and kept yesterday’s outfit on when I left the comfort of my own room. Mother was stationed in the kitchen making breakfast (I hadn’t even checked what time it was, so I shifted my gaze to the clock in the living room to find that it was nine ‘o clock, which meant Mikasa would wake up soon and want breakfast) and her head snapped around to look at me when she heard my reluctant approach.  
Since most of my body was covered with fabric and dad hadn’t done anything to my face, there was no physical evidence of physical abuse that she would be able to see. 

“Good morning, sweetheart. Could you come here and talk to me for a minute?” 

I groaned inwardly at the question I had already anticipated. 

I made my way through the living room and into the kitchen without saying anything. Mom had abandoned her bowl of pancake mix that she’d been working on when I closed the distance between us, standing face to face with her. At eighteen, I stand at about 5’ 10”, which makes me quite a bit taller than her although I don’t know what her height even is. Her head tilted up slightly when she addressed me.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about this, but I need to hear your side of what happened when your dad went into your room last night.”

“He just yelled at me like he did during dinner. That’s all there was.” I tried to make direct eye contact so make what I said more believable, but I failed and had to tear my gaze away and look off to the side instead. 

It wasn’t that I was trying to protect my dad at all, because god knows I wasn’t. I was protecting mother, because she didn’t deserve to be dragged into this. This was between dad and I and there was no reason for her to be involved. Hurting mother was never my intention, and so I opted to lie about what had happened. Because that was the safest route. Also, I just really didn’t want to deal with a protective and doting mother, which would exactly what she would become if she knew the truth. Not to mention that her relationship with dad seemed strained as it was.

“Are you sure? Are you okay?” I was still unable to keep my eyes on her worried ones. 

“I’m fine. I’m used to it, anyways.”  
Mother sighed deeply. 

“I’m so sorry, Eren, you shouldn’t have to deal with your dad when he’s drunk like that.”

“It’s fine, really.”

“He has an issue. He really needs help for it. Please don’t take anything he says to you too seriously when he’s like that.”

“I won’t.” 

“I’ll talk to him about cutting down the drinking tonight. He may have only been like that for one night but that was more than enough.”

“How long is he staying with us?”

“About a month. The job they’re working is one of the longer ones and it’s only an hour’s drive away, so he’ll be home every night.”

“Alright.” I did my best to keep the dread out of my voice when I spoke. Panic was taking a firm hold of me; a whole month I would have to face him every night. Each night I would undoubtedly be reminded of why I’m a shitty human being. That just made the reality of how horrible I am that much worse, knowing dad was there to confirm it. He blamed me for Armin’s death as much as I blamed myself.

“I’m sorry, honey, I know you and your father don’t get along. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Yeah, trust me, it’s fine.” I snapped, more than ready to be done with the conversation. I didn’t mean to be short with her, but I was ridiculously angry over having to deal with dad for a whole month. Because fuck, one night had been more than enough. The dull ache in my stomach was enough to convince me of that. I could hear mother’s exasperated sigh as I turned and went right back to my room.

One month. One fucking month. 

I spent a good majority of the day in my room doing absolutely nothing. My phone didn’t ring at all. Around six ‘o clock, I heard the front door open and heard dad’s voice emanating from the kitchen. I groaned and got up off my bed; chances were that if I didn’t greet him then he’d come greet me instead. I decided not to take that chance.  
As I got closer to the kitchen, I noticed that there was an audible difference in my dad’s voice. Since he’d been home from work only for a few minutes, he hadn’t gotten the chance to get any alcohol in his system. He looked up upon my arrival and while his eyes still held a considerable amount of disdain towards me, they weren’t the piercing, cruel orbs they had been last night. Mikasa was nowhere to be found so I assumed she was sitting in her room. Dad was looking at me expectantly.

“Hi, dad. How was your day?”

“Eren.” He said in response to my hello before moving on. “It was busy. How was yours?”

“It was good.”

“Did you do anything?”

“Not really.”

“As expected of you.” He sneered. He may have been sober but he still wasn’t overly fond of me. Mother gave him a stern look before addressing me. 

“Dinner will be ready in a half hour or so. I’ll call for you when it’s done.” 

I nodded before turning on my heel and heading back towards safety. Or at least what I hoped to be safety. From my room, I could hear angry voices coming from the kitchen. My parents weren’t screaming at each other but they were locked in a heated argument. From the bits and pieces that I could make out, I knew that mom had breached the subject of dad’s alcohol consumption. I drowned out their voices with the sound of my television, waiting for mother to yell for my attention so that I could get dinner over with. Mom’s guess was accurate and a half hour later, dinner was called. I walked into the kitchen to a decent sight; dad didn’t have a glass of liquor accompanying his plate. Mom must’ve gotten around to him, if only for the day. I certainly wasn’t complaining. 

I beat Mikasa to the kitchen and already had a plate of food in front of me when she finally rolled in. Saying nothing, she stacked her plate full of food and picked away at it mindlessly. Just like yesterday, an awkward silence dominated the air around us as we ate. We all dispersed from the table at the same time, placing our dishes in the sink so that mom could wash them before parting ways for the evening. Mikasa went to her room, I went to mine, dad sat in the living room recliner, and mom lingered in the kitchen to clean up. The rest of the night passed uneventfully, and dad did not interrupt my alone time spent in my room. I was still stressed about him being in the house, however, and scratched a small part of my skin raw while worrying about dad’s month-long visit. Around eleven, I stripped down to just my boxers and an old t-shirt and went to bed. 

-x-

I woke up Friday morning around noon; I would have slept longer but my phone was ringing with its shrill tone and demanded my attention. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and answered it tiredly. “Hello?”

“Hi, could I speak with Eren Yeager if he’s around?”

“I’m Eren.”

“Oh, afternoon, Eren! It’s Erwin from 7-Eleven.” It was just barely noon, but whatever.

“Hi.”

“I was calling to see if you’re still interested in working here.”

Suddenly I was wide awake. I couldn’t believe what words had just come out of Erwin’s mouth and I instinctually responded with a “what?”

I could almost hear the grin in Erwin’s voice as he repeated himself. “I was wondering if you still wanted to work here.”

“Of course I would.”

“Good, glad to hear it! Do you think you could stop by later and pick up the paperwork and everything?”

“Sure. I’ll stop by soon.”

“Great! We’ll see you then.”

“Yeah. Thank you very much, sir.”

“It’s no problem. Glad to have you on the team.” Erwin’s voice was genuine and a faint stirring of happiness rose up within me. I’d succeeded; I’d landed a job. People didn’t typically jump all over the chance to work at a 7-Eleven, but I was more than happy with landing the position. Erwin and I exchanged goodbyes and I climbed out of bed as soon as I hung up the phone. In my happiness, I managed to forget about the twisted pattern of cuts and scars running along my arms, and the first shirt that I grabbed from my dresser was a green and white polo. As I put it in my hands, positioning it so that I could pull it over my head, I caught sight of my own scars and froze. Misery crashed into me when I realized that the polo wasn’t an acceptable choice of attire for somebody like me. I swapped out the polo for a yellow t-shirt and lightweight white hoodie in an effort to stay at least slightly cool in the heat, since it had been so hot and humid outside lately. I put on a light pair of shorts and pale brown sandals to complete the outfit.

I could tell from the light streaming in through my window that it was a cloudless sunny day, so I grabbed my pair of sunglasses from on top of my dresser before heading out the door. My mom was in the living room and looked surprised to see me up and obviously about to go somewhere.

I responded to her quizzical look by saying, “I got a call from the manager of 7-Eleven this morning. They hired me so now I need to go pick up paperwork and stuff.” 

I watched as mother’s expression shifted from confused to delighted and she smiled radiantly at me as she said, “That’s great! I’m happy for you, sweetie.” 

-x-

I arrived at 7-Eleven a short time later and parked right in front of the small store. I locked my car once I was outside and made my way into the store, where Annie was once again working the counter. No customers were inside the store at the moment, so it was just me and her. She regarded me with disinterested boredom as I opened my mouth to speak.  
“I’m here to pick up some paperwork.”

“Yeah, Erwin said you’d be coming. I’ll go get him.” She disappeared into the office hidden behind the counter and reappeared with Erwin following behind, a small stack of papers clutched in his hands. He smiled at me once he saw me and I tried to return the smile to the best of my ability as the paper changed hands between me and him. 

“I don’t need you to have any of this in immediately; bringing it with you on your first day of work will suffice.” 

“Alright, sounds good. When’s the first time I’ll be working?”

“Well, if you really wanted, we’re short-staffed tomorrow. One of our longer-running employees is working alone for half of the day, going into the night-shift; he should be able to train you pretty well. How about you come in around four ‘o clock? Let’s say, four to eleven? Sound okay, or is that too soon?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll be here.”

“Alright, sounds good. Thanks a lot, Eren.”

“No problem. Thanks again for hiring me.”

“It’s my pleasure! Have yourself a nice day, now.”

“You too.” I responded as I tightened my grip on the papers in my hands. I was still paranoid that they’d disappear at any point and that this would turn out just to be a cruel joke. 

It was still unreal to think that somebody had actually been willing to hire me. Erwin sent me off with a wave and I drove home with the paperwork set in the seat beside me. It was just barely one ‘o clock, so I still had the whole day ahead of me. I tossed around the idea of going to visit Armin’s grave, but I decided to wait until after I’d experienced my first day at work; I’d be able to tell him all about it then. Also, today was hotter than most days, so hopefully whenever I decided to go, the weather would be a bit more sparing towards me. Not that it mattered that much, since the reason I had to suffer in warmer clothes was all because of my own negative coping mechanisms. I was the only one to blame, so I guess I really had no right to complain about it in the first place. 

-x-

I was met with a pleasant surprise when I heard a soft knocking on my door. At first I thought that it was mother, but then I realized that mother would have spoken by that point. Dad wasn’t home yet (and he wouldn’t knock that softly, anyways), which left only one candidate left; Mikasa. Mikasa hadn’t initiated contact with me in a long time, so it meant a lot that she’d make the effort to approach me. It’s not that we were purposefully trying to ignore each other; rather, we were just own absorbed into our own fucked-up realities. I’d given up on talking to Mikasa much considering how distant she was from the world in general over the past year.

Instead of just calling for her to come in, I leapt up off my bed and opened the door. Mikasa was standing in the doorway, looking awkward and out of place. We stared at each other with blank expressions for a moment before she spoke up.

“Could I come in?” Her voice was quiet as she spoke.

“Yeah, sure.” I replied, moving out of the doorway so that she could walk in.

She came inside and took a moment to look around; she hasn’t been in my room in over a year. My room was in a state of disarray, but it’s always been like that, to a point. A good majority of my wardrobe was scattered about on the floor, but at least I’d taken the time to hide my razor blades and shit. Mikasa probably would have been concerned to see such things adorning my little room. Or maybe not; I guess I don’t know much about her, anymore. 

So she walks into my room and then we sit side by side on the edge of my unmade bed. She’s the first one to say anything.

“So, mom told me that you got a job.”

“Yeah, at 7-Eleven.”

“That’s really nice. Good job.”

“Thanks.”

“I was thinking about getting a job, myself. Since you got one.”

My guess was that since I was making an outward effort to do something productive now, she had taken it as an indicator that she should, as well. I guess that wasn’t too bad of a thing, since a distraction would probably do her good, as well. Then maybe she could regain some of her focus and alertness that’s she’s been severely lacking these days.

“That’s a good idea. Do you want me to ask Erwin if we’re still hiring?”

“Erwin?” She gave me a blank stare.

“My boss.”

“Oh…sure. If you want to.”

“I will. Erwin won’t be there tomorrow but I’ll ask next time.”

“Alright, that would be nice.” Mikasa really was making an effort to hold a conversation with me, and it both pleased me and broke my heart at the same time. Because while I had turned into a general fuck-up, she had just retreated into herself. And she had never had troubles with communication until last year. 

Without thinking, I said, “I missed you.” Her blank eyes sparked with a hint of emotion as the words fell out of my mouth. She snapped her head to the side so that she could look into my eyes. I’d reached her for the first time in so long. She held her arm out slightly as if she were going to touch me but was unsure of how to go about it. Instead of watching her struggle to decide on a course of action, I reached my arms out and wrapped them around her. She tensed up at first but I could feel her relax under my arms after a moment. She didn’t return the hug, but she hadn’t needed to. She closed her eyes and I did the same, enjoying the comforting contact that neither of us had received in too long. 

Eventually, we pulled apart at the same time. Mikasa stayed in my room for a couple hours after that; we both just watched TV. We were unexciting people; watch TV is all we ever did in our spare time. It was simple and required no effort on our part to partake in. At six ‘o clock, we heard dad barge in. It was Friday, which meant he had gotten off of work early. Which meant that he should have been home a couple hours, and I was worried by the fact that he was just arriving now. I had a sneaking suspicion about what he had been up to. 

Mikasa looked crestfallen when dad’s loud voice filtered into my room even through the closed door. We sat in silence, listening to dad’s aggressive tone as he yelled at mother for not having dinner ready the second he walked in the door. She gave an angry retort, but didn’t yell back. She hadn’t been loud enough for me to catch what exactly she said.

Dad asked where I was (still yelling, naturally) and mother told him not to come and bother us; that Mikasa and I were spending time together and that he should let us be. The air became eerily silent and Mikasa and I exchanged a look of concern. 

Without further ado, my room was suddenly filled with noise as dad granted himself entrance to my room. When he saw us sitting side by side, he stared at me, drunken fury lighting his eyes with hatred.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” 

I said nothing; we were doing nothing wrong. We were just sitting together. 

But dad kept on. 

“What, are you trying to make Mikasa a trashy fuck-up too? You stay the fuck away from my daughter, you piece of shit! You’re going to influence her to be a worthless piece of trash like yourself!”

Mikasa had scooted back to press herself up against the wall; she was terrified of dad. She was shaking slightly as dad screamed at me. It pissed me off to see Mikasa so scared, and it pissed me off to have to deal with dad’s intoxicated bullshit. And so I screamed right back.

“We were just sitting here watching TV! She’s not going to be influenced to be like me! So fuck off!” I regretted the last bit as soon as it left my mouth, and I tensed up and raised my arms to shield myself, afraid he’d lash out with a physical attack.

“What was that?”

“I said she’s not going to be influenced to be like me!” 

He took a large step closer to me. And another. And another. 

“You pathetic little lying fuck.” His tone was alarmingly calm as he leaned down and stared into my terror-filled eyes. I had no time to react as he raised his fist and sent it flying to my gut; I fell back onto the bed and clutched my stomach as waves of intense pain spread through me. Tears of fury began to form in my eyes and I fought them, not wanting to cry in front of dad. That would just make everything worse. Dad was hovering over me, waiting for me to try and get back up before he’d make his next move. Mikasa instinctually reached one of her hands out to touch my face in a comforting way as I laid there, face facing the ceiling. Dad noticed her hand’s proximity to my face.

“Don’t you dare touch him! If you’re going to defend him, you’re worthless to me, too!” I wondered exactly how many drinks he’d had before coming home. My head was a confused haze of anger, terror, and hatred aimed towards dad. He could throw me around and yell at me all he wanted, but involving Mikasa was going too far. Way too far, you god-awful excuse for a father. He looked like he was about to move Mikasa’ hand by force, and I struggled to regain a sitting position. I succeeded in doing so and threw myself in front of Mikasa.

“If you’re going to keep attacking people, then attack me and not Mikasa.” I shot him a look of defiance as I shielded my sister. I was shaking and in pain, but I did my best to hold my ground. 

“Don’t act like you’re so fucking high and mighty, now.” He spat as he grabbed one of my arms. For a split second, I thought he was going to lift the sleeve and see every mark I had left on myself. Then I realized that I was being lifted up like I had been the other night. 

“You’re still worthless, you know. You’ll never be the son I wanted; you’ll always be some shitty excuse for a human. I fucking hate you. I hate you so fucking much!” He shouted into my face. I watched him, keeping my mouth shut. I knew he hated me and blamed me for the car accident, and I knew that he was drunk, but a part of me still couldn’t understand why he harnessed so much intense hatred towards me. But hey, in the end, I was receiving exactly what I deserved. 

When I refused to respond to him, his anger was elevated even further. The next thing I knew, I felt a crushing blow to my backside as I fell down onto the floor. He had thrown me against my nightstand; most of its contents had spilled down onto the floor around me. I looked up to see that Mikasa was sobbing and her whole body shook as she looked back and forth from me to dad.

“Stay the fuck away from Mikasa. And if either of you tell your mother what happened in here, I won’t be happy, you hear me?” The phrase was almost entirely directed at me. He meant the physical aspects of the fight; mother was guaranteed to have heard what was said, considering how fucking loud dad was.

He stared at each of us for a long moment before trudging out of the room, shutting the door casually behind him. I made no effort to get up off the floor. I wasn’t even crying; I was just numb, unsure if what had just taken place was actually reality.

Mikasa’s voice trembled as she said, “Are you…okay?”

“…Yeah. I’m fine. You better just go, before dad comes back or something.” 

“Alright…” she hesitated, looking like she wanted to come and comfort me. But we both knew if she did, dad would grow impatient and bring his wrath right back into my room. She wiped the tears from her eyes before leaving my room in favor of going to her own. 

I refused to leave my room to eat dinner that night. Since dad had already had his fun, he didn’t come back into my room even when I didn’t show up at the dinner table.

Two can play at that game, dad. You can hurt me all you want but I’ll always be the one that hurts myself the most. Hate me, but I hate myself more. I could control my own pain more than he could; I needed to be the one in control of at least one aspect of my life. 

I reached upwards and opened the drawer of the nightstand and dug around for what I needed. I furiously hacked away at my arm with one of my newer, sharper blades. Blood spilled effortlessly from the fresh wounds. They were deeper than most of mine were, and took a lot longer to stop bleeding than any others had. I exhaled in relief as the familiar sensation spread through me. I win, dad. I win. I hope you’re happy. 

-x-

When morning rolled around once again, I actually took the time to bandage up last night’s wounds. I didn’t need them re-opening while at work. I started work at four, so I had a lot of the day to myself before I needed to head out. There was no uniform or dress requirement (It was 7-Eleven, for fuck sakes. Of course they didn’t give a shit about what I chose to wear), so I could choose whatever outfit I pleased for my first day. I chose a light-grey and white striped long-sleeve shirt and pair of light-wash jeans. When four ‘o clock started creeping closer and closer, I became a bit nervous. I didn’t want to fuck everything up on my first day, and that was a legitimate concern. 

Around three forty, I left the house without saying a word. Dad had chosen to go to work to get some shit done, apparently, since he was nowhere to be found. That or he had gone drinking. Both were equally decent guesses. Mom was sitting on the living room couch and wished me good luck on my first day of work. 

I arrived a couple minutes before my shift started, and Annie was helping a customer when I entered the small building. Once the customer was out the door, she turned to me and greeted me.

“Hey. I’ll be training you and shit until six, which is when Levi will be coming and taking over.” I nodded and stepped behind the counter. She taught me how to sign in to the computer so that I could clock in for the day. She started with a tour of the building; there wasn’t all that much to it.

“I get that you need to be familiar with the place, but examining each individual aisle is rather stupid, if I do say so myself.” We were standing in the candy aisle; she was required to show me where every type of food was just in case a customer asked. I agreed with her that it was stupid; if people couldn’t take the time to look for the candy in the tiny store, then they were just plain lazy. Not that I was an extremely motivated human being, but still. Eventually, I had learned where every type of food and beverage was stationed in the store and we moved on to the back room. That was where all of the stock was, and Annie assured me I’d know the whole room in and out before long. Off to the side, there was a small, dingy closet that they kept all of the cleaning supplies and whatnot in. Annie told me since I’d be working a part of the night shift, that Levi would probably have me work on cleaning at some point during my shift. 

Since Annie and I were the only employees in the 7-Eleven at the moment, she constantly had to check the monitors (that showed the activity going on in the front of the store) to make sure there were no customers that needed attending to. She had to leave to help some every now and then, leaving me to familiarize myself with the contents of the backroom so that it wouldn’t take me too long to find anything. Left to my own devices, I was all too aware of the pain my arms and the ache throughout my body from last night’s altercation with father. But then Annie would come back, and we’d carry on with the tour. 

She taught me how to ring people up and how to use the computers; they were fairly simple but I’d still probably have to ask questions for a while before I was used to using them. She told me not to worry too much about being able to help customers tonight; Levi would be able to take care of most of them until I was comfortable with doing it myself. Annie was nicer than I thought she would be; she came off as intimidating, to be quite honest. She didn’t say any more than was necessary, which I was more than fine with. The training she could provide me came to a close around five-thirty.

“Well, that’s about all I can show you. Levi will teach you anything else you need to know; like the alarm system and everything. You’ll miss a lot of the procedure for later at night, though, since you’re leaving at eleven, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, we don’t count the money or anything until way later than that. So your night should be fairly simple. Although, I’ll warn you now, Levi isn’t exactly the favorite employee of the place. I don’t mind him, but most of the other employees aren’t really his biggest fan. I don’t know. I just thought I’d tell you.”

I wasn’t sure what to expect out of this Levi; I just hoped he wasn’t too bad, since a majority of my shift was going to be spent with him. With a half-hour left before I’d meet him, I had formed the image of some obnoxiously tall guy who struck fear into the heart of everyone he met. Annie helped customers while I watched until six ‘o clock finally arrived.  
At six ‘o clock (well, a couple minutes before six), I heard a motorcycle outside. Following the silence of it being turned off, a man walked purposefully through the door. 

“Hey, Levi. Got your new kid here.” Annie said, and I took a moment to look over my coworker.

The first thing I noticed was his height; he was ridiculously short for a guy. He couldn’t be more than 5’3” or 5’4”, really. Despite his height, he seemed to be an intimidating person. No wonder the other workers weren’t overly fond of him; standoffishness emanated off of him in waves. He seemed familiar, somehow, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. 

He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and dark-washed jeans, and I noticed a couple of different piercings adorning his ear. He also had a stud that went through his eyebrow, which was thin and was crooked in a way that made him seem perpetually irritated. But then I realized his whole faced seemed like that; he had narrow eyes and a slight frown that I doubted ever went away for any length of time. His black hair was neatly strewn across his face and I realized that it was an undercut. It was impossible to tell what age he was from his appearance, and I couldn’t have given a decent estimate if I tried to. Despite his short stature and irate face, I couldn’t honestly say that he was unattractive. Quite the opposite, really. 

I realized that he was scrutinizing me just as deeply as I was scrutinizing him. His eyes travelled along my face and onto my hair before starting downwards to my long-sleeve shirt and nametag that read “Eren”. It felt like his eyes could see right through the fabric covering my own mistakes carved along my arm, but I knew that was a ridiculous thought. I was just self-conscious.

He presented himself in such a way that I could tell he knew exactly who he was and what he was doing in his life; there was a certainty about him that I found myself extremely envious of. He was the type of person who could stand proudly on his own two feet, blazing along his own self-chosen path of life. I couldn’t tell if I admired him for his well-displayed confidence or if I loathed him for it. 

He noticed me watching him analyze me and caught my eye. He wasn’t shameful in the slightest that he had been caught staring at me. Neither of us spoke, so Annie did.

“Alright, Levi, this is Eren. Eren, this is Levi. It’s six ‘o clock, so I’m out. Bye.” She quickly signed out of her computer before leaving the building, climbing into a car that seemed far nicer than one people our age typically had. Annie had told me she was a freshman in college, so she was only one year older than I was.

Levi turned to me and didn’t bother with a word of greeting before saying, “What all did Annie show you?” His voice was smooth and I determined that I didn’t mind the sound of it. As long as he wasn’t a total asshole to me, we might even get along.  
I summarized everything that Annie had told me, and he seemed satisfied.

“Good, then you should be able to handle yourself just fine.”

I nodded hesitantly; sure, she had taught me a lot, but I was still nervous about screwing up everything I did. And Levi seemed like the type of person who would quickly become impatient with my lack of experience in the work field. He probably assumed this wasn’t my first job, considering I was eighteen.  
The store itself wasn’t busy, so we were left to stand around for extended periods of time. After a half-hour of no customers, Levi sighed deeply before turning to me. 

“Well, I may as well make something useful out of you, so come with me.” 

He led me into the backroom, where he grabbed a step-stool and placed it in front of a series of shelves that ran along the wall. He got up on the stool and started removing various boxes from the shelves; I would have been able to grab effortlessly from the same shelves without a stool. I had a feeling mentioning that was a bad idea, but I said it without thinking.

“Do you just want me to grab those?” 

Levi caught that it was a remark based on his height and he snapped his head around to face me as soon as the words had escaped my lips. 

“No, actually, I don’t need your help, newbie. So shut up and keep standing there like you were while I grab these damn boxes.” Irritation dripped from his voice venomously as he returned his attention back to moving boxes. After he seemed satisfied with what he’d selected, he leapt lightly off the stool.

“Come here and take some of these.” He said, eyeing me with his intimidating stare. 

I did as I was told without saying anything; which was probably Levi’s preference. 

I followed him back into the storefront and he stationed me near the back of the store to stock things that people didn’t buy as often, so that I would be less likely to get into a customer’s way while they browsed. He showed me how to stock up the shelf most efficiently and watched me do it myself for a minute to make sure I was doing it right. I accidentally started putting one particular product in the wrong spot.

“No.” He said simply, and in one swift motion, he reached his arm out towards me. He was probably just going to grab the product in my hand so that he could show me the correct spot, but after dealing with dad’s physical abuse multiple times, my mind instinctually told me to flee because I thought that he was going to hit me. I dropped the item I’d been holding onto the floor and flinched away from his outstretched arm. Confusion passed over his face for a brief second before returning to its typical expression. 

“Relax. What, did you think I would hit you or something? I’m not that cruel.” He said; his voice was firm but he didn’t seem irritated by my response. 

“I…sorry.” I choked out. I couldn’t exactly tell him why I flinched away from people’s touch. 

“It’s alright.” He said, picking up the item that I’d dropped. 

“Look, it goes here. You were just putting it in the wrong spot.”

“Yeah. Sorry, I’ll remember where it goes.” I replied sheepishly, moving the ones that were in the wrong spot over to where Levi had placed the other one.

“No need to apologize. It’s your first day.” 

He left me to work through the rest of the box by myself; he worked on restocking one of the refrigerated shelves of energy drinks. Every now and then he would pause his work to check out a customer. While listening to his interactions with the other customers, I learned that he wasn’t all that socially graceful. He was polite with everyone and his voice still emanated confidence, but it was just overall awkward to hear. By nine ‘o clock, all of the restocking that had been necessary for the day was done; Levi had done a majority of it since I had gone so slowly. He’d told me it was alright because I was new and I’d get faster, but the impatience tainting his tone told me that he was annoyed by it. 

Around nine thirty, Levi told me he was going outside for a break. He said not to worry about customers; he would just come back inside if he saw anybody come in. He had me stand behind the counter while he stood outside. I looked out the window of the store to discover that he’d gone outside because he was a smoker; thin trails of smoke swirled around him as he stood there, facing away from the store. The back of his neck was facing me, and through the glass I thought I could see the very ends of a tattoo that must have been on his back. It may have just been the reflection of the glass, though. 

No customers came in while he was on his smoke break, so he was able to smoke his cigarette in peace before walking back into the store. I was leaning against the back of the counter (which displayed a colorful array of tobacco products) when Levi reappeared. As he took his position behind the counter, I could smell the cigarette smoke that clung to him. 

I was the one to break the silence. 

“How old are you?” I watched as Levi’s eyes fell on me, narrowing slightly.

“Why do you want to know?” 

“I was just wondering.” I said, nervously scratching at my arm through the sleeve. It was a nervous habit that I’d developed somewhere along the road; I’d scratch at the areas where newer wounds lingered, so that pain sparked through me as I subconsciously irritated the wounds. 

“Twenty-two. I’m a senior in college, in case that was your next question.” He replied shortly. He had to tilt his head up similarly to how my mother had to when speaking to me. His arms were crossed and he was leaning against the counter just like I was. 

“Oh, okay.” I bit my lip lightly; conversation was awkward and I really wasn’t a big fan of it. I didn’t think Levi was either, so I decided to drop the attempt. As we stood in silence, I tried to keep my mind off of the negative sides of life and instead enjoy the fact that I had managed to get myself a job. It worked for a while, but after some time I couldn’t keep my mind off of my dad or how much I would have liked to be sitting at home, destroying myself one way or other. Life hadn’t even been that bad today, but the urge was still there. It was always there. No matter what, it was there without fail. It never did leave my side, even for a single day. I was snapped from my reverie by Levi’s voice.

“So, you’re not going to tell me how old you are or anything?”

“What?” I was still distracted by my own thoughts. 

“I mean, I told you how old I am. So how old are you?” 

“Oh. I’m eighteen. Senior in high school in a couple of weeks.” I replied robotically, trying to break away from the terrible mood I’d just set by myself by thinking. Levi was no longer facing me; his eyes were focused on the computer’s screensaver, which was a series of glowing lines forming against a black background. As I stared at him, the sense of familiarity returned and I was determined to figure out where I’d seen him before. 

Eventually, I realized with a jolt that he was the motorcyclist that I’d seen at the graveyard a few weeks ago. “Ah.” I whispered when I was positive that was how I’d seen him.

His gaze shifted over to me. “What?”

“Oh. I, uh, I’ve seen you before.”

“Okay. Where, though?” He sounded disinterested, I thought. 

“At the…” I trailed off, realizing that that graveyard was quite the unpleasant location to be spotted. I didn’t want to bring up anything that would upset him if he had been extremely close to whoever he’d been visiting; as it was, I could feel sadness seeping through me at the thought of why I’d been at the cemetery that day. But my mind was doing me no favors and I couldn’t think of a lie that would be probable enough to sound accurate.

“…Cemetery.” I finished the thought. 

His face was unreadable and I couldn’t have guessed what thoughts went through his mind at the word. Maybe he’d been visiting a dead aunt that he wasn’t close to out of respect or something. I didn’t know his story any more than he knew mine. He didn’t question how I’d seen him there, which was a good thing. I didn’t want to become emotional in front of my coworker on my first day. 

“I see.” 

I’d been able to watch him ring up some customers, and he’d even let me ring up somebody myself. I’d made a mistake with the register, and I was embarrassed when he had to stand in close proximity beside of me so that he could show me what I’d done wrong, so that I would know how to do it correctly next time. I felt like he’d been judging me the whole time. I apologized to the customer I’d been helping, since she had to wait longer because of my mistake. She was an elderly woman who gave me a warm smile and told me that it was quite alright, that she had nowhere to be, anyways. I caught myself wondering what she was doing out; it was almost ten ‘o clock. But that was a question that would never be answered, so I didn’t dwell on it. Levi let me finish the exchange, and I handed the old woman her change and she thanked me for my help. Once she was gone, I muttered an apology to Levi. He sighed and told me it was okay, and that I really didn’t need to apologize as much as I did.

I responded with an impulsive, “I’m sorry.” 

-x-

Around ten, he had me start cleaning. He fetched a broom from the backroom closet and handed it to me. 

“Sweep the store, including the backroom. Make sure you’re thorough; it should be nice and clean when you’re done.” He said. 

I nodded and took the broom into my hands. I started at one of the back corners of the shop and made my way throughout the whole store, stopping every so often to sweep the dirt into the dustpan. I felt Levi’s eyes on me more often than not, but I chose to ignore it to the best of my ability. When I was done with the front, I hauled the broom into the back and did the same. Around ten-twenty, I was satisfied with the job that I’d done and reported back to Levi, broom still in hand. 

“Done?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s take a look, then.” He scanned the aisles and after he had been through most of the store, he shook his head.

“No, no. You really call that clean?” He sighed. “Do it again.”

I wanted to be annoyed at his harshness, but I wasn’t. He just wanted the job done thoroughly; it was my fault that my work wasn’t up to par, not his. I went back to work with the broom, and he appeared to be almost surprised.

“You’re not going to roll your eyes and call me a prick?” 

“No?”

“Hm, I see. Not bad.” He said before returning to his spot behind the counter. I figured that he must’ve annoyed some of the other employees with his standoffish attitude and blunt displeasure at what they probably believed to be a perfectly fine sweep-job. I couldn’t blame them, but I’d been more annoyed with myself than anything else. By ten-forty, I had managed to do a good enough job to appease Levi. As I lifted the broom to return it to the back, my sleeve lifted slightly on my arm. I was alarmed when I noticed that some of the flesh on my arm was bared to the world; my first impulse was to look to Levi to make sure he wasn’t looking at me. Well, my arm. His gaze was fixed downwards on something that I couldn’t see from where I was. Relieved, I tugged my sleeve back down and made sure to stay conscious of its position on my arm from then on. 

When I came back out, I asked what else he wanted me to do. He glanced at the clock and said, “You only have fifteen minutes left, so you may as well just stand back here and wait for your shift to end.” 

And so I spent the rest of my first night at work standing beside the man who I still wasn’t sure if I disliked or not. He didn’t slouch at all as he stood there; his stance was always infuriatingly proper. I honestly thought he’d speak in a more sophisticated manner than he did for the way he presented himself, but that didn’t seem to be the case at all. It was also a good thing to note that it was surprising that he managed to present himself in a sophisticated way in the first place, taking into account his piercings and casual clothes. He seemed like a closed-off person; a mystery who few probably understood. 

I couldn’t tell if he hated me or if he was neutral towards me. It would be awhile before I found out. It was impossible to tell based on tonight alone.

A couple minutes before eleven ‘o clock, Levi asked me if I remembered how to get to the sign-in and out system on the computer. I said I wasn’t sure; he had me see if I could get to it myself without his guidance instead of just showing me again right away. It turned out that I didn’t remember, and he had to guide me through the process as I clocked myself out for the night at exactly eleven ‘o clock. 

Once my shift was officially over, he said, “Bye.” That was it; short and simple. He barely cast a second glance at me as I left the counter and went straight out the door. I didn’t look back as I got into my old, beat-up car and drove away. I had successfully completed my first day of work, and nothing completely awful had happened. I’d made quite a few mistakes, but nothing too major. I’d asked Levi if there was a schedule anywhere, and he said Erwin hadn’t had a chance to get one done for the week yet, so I’d just have to call him the next day and ask. Still unsure of how I felt about Levi as a coworker, I drove home with only the noise emanating from my radio to fill the silence. 

When I got home, the house was completely silent. Dad was passed out on the recliner; I could hear his loud snoring even from the kitchen. Careful not to wake him, I crept into my room. I noticed that Mikasa’s light was still on in her room; I could see it from beneath the door. I briefly considered going to her room and saying hi before retiring to my own room for the night, but decided against it. Dad appeared to be passed out cold, but it was still a risk I didn’t feel like taking. So I tip-toed into my room, closing the door as quietly as I could behind me.

I turned the lights on with the switch stationed next to the door and stripped myself down to my boxers. I was tired since I wasn’t really used to doing anything during the day other than sit on my ass and watch TV. I turned on my TV (I’m in the habit of sleeping with it on; the noise and the light help me sleep, somehow) before settling down into the soft bed, covering myself with my comforter. I realized that my light was still on and let out a sigh of frustration before I turned on the light to my nightstand so that I would have enough light to get back to my bed after I shut off the main light. I settled down into my bed a second time and reflected back on my first day of work as I fell into nightmare-ridden slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter~ It was a lot longer than I expected, but I really wanted to make it through where Levi is introduced.


	6. Work and Restaurants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically just goes through Eren's first full week of work.

My job served as a well-needed distraction from life. At work, I could focus on something productive and was often left without too much time to think about everything that brought me down daily. 

On Sunday afternoon, I called 7-Eleven and asked to speak with Erwin. A chipper, feminine voice answered the phone; a coworker of mine that I had yet to meet. I asked her if Erwin was around, and she said that he was before asking if I needed to speak with him. I said that I did and she had me hold for a minute while she took the phone over to his office. After a minute or so, Erwin’s voice filled my ear.

“Hello, this is Erwin.” 

“Hi. It’s Eren.”

“Hi, Eren.”

“I was just wondering if you had the schedule done for the week.”

“Ah, I thought you might call for that soon. Yes, I finished it this morning. I have you on for tomorrow from two to nine, if that’s doable for you. You can look at the full schedule when you’re here.”

“Sure, that’s fine. I’ll be there.”

“Alright, thank you. Have a good day, Eren!” 

“You too. Bye.” I said and tossed my phone onto my unmade bed. I forgot to ask Erwin if they were still hiring, but I didn’t feel like calling back; I’d ask him tomorrow if he were there. I couldn’t hear dad’s voice from my room, which meant there was a chance he wasn’t home. I decided to test the waters by leaving my room so that I could go to the bathroom and shower. I would be able to tell for sure from the hallway if he were there or not; a peak into the living room would be enough to show me the correct answer.

I chose a pair of tan shorts and a white t-shirt paired with a pale yellow hoodie that said “Slay Titans” in bold black lettering across the back as my outfit for the day. I threw the hoodie on for the trip to the bathroom; a precautionary measure, as always. I shut my door behind me and shifted my gaze over to the living room; no sign of dad. Hopefully he’d gone to work and would be gone all day.

In the shower, I thought up my course of action for the day. After a few minutes of scalding hot water smothering my body, I decided that the best way to spend my time would be visiting Armin’s grave. I would tell him all about my first day at work and how even Mikasa was now interested in seeking employment. It was either visit Armin or sit at home feeling worthless; those were pretty much the only two options I had. I hoped that Armin was happy when I visited him, and that he watched me from wherever he was as I lay flowers on his grave. The thought of that helped motivate me to leave the house.

I got dressed and told mom that I was going out for a while, to which she happily wished for me to have a good time. My heart felt heavy when I assured her that I would; visiting Armin’s grave would never be a fun form of entertainment. But it was important that I regularly visit him, because I needed to properly honor his memory. Besides, visiting him was overall peaceful. It was an escape from reality, even if it did remind me that I had caused the death of my beloved boyfriend. It was complicated, I guess.

As had become routine, I stopped by the flower shop before going to the cemetery. The elderly woman who ran the store smiled when she saw me. She recognized me from last time that I’d come for flowers, I could tell. 

“Showin’ some more love to your sweetheart, are you?” She said as I approached the counter with a bundle of brightly colored flowers tucked in my arms. 

“Yeah, that’s right.” I tried to smile at her; she really was a nice old woman and I didn’t want to come off as an asshole.

She rang me up and I swiped my debit card and entered my pin to verify my identity or whatever. Flowers weren’t all that cheap, but I refused to visit Armin’s grave without them. Besides, I had a job now; I could afford to buy flowers since all I never spent my money on anything else. I didn’t have any hobbies and I didn’t bother with clothes shopping; I hadn’t gotten new clothes in over a year. Mom had offered to take me shopping on several occasions, but I always declined. So buying flowers now and then was no big deal. 

Once again, the parking area in front of the small cemetery was devoid of any other vehicles. I parked my car in a spot close to the iron gates that announced the entrance to the graveyard. I made my way to Armin’s final resting spot slowly and deliberating, delicately cradling the bouquet in my cloth-covered arms. The humidity propelled the temperature into hat that called for staying indoors where the air conditioners could work their magic. I thought about rolling up my sleeves or even removing my sweatshirt entirely since the chances of running into anyone else were slim but decided against it; Armin wouldn’t want to see that bullshit if he were watching.

After placing the bouquet in front of Armin’s tombstone, I sat down cross-legged on the warm grass. I rested both of my arms on top of my legs and glanced around to make sure I was still alone before parting my lips to speak.

“Hey, Armin. I wanted to tell you that I managed to get myself a job. Absurd, right? People hiring somebody like me to work for them. It’s ridiculous. But it made me happy, you know? Like, I finally have something to do that’s worth my time. Somebody put some small shred of trust into me, and it makes me happy, even if I don’t deserve it.”

Thus far, I had managed to keep my eyes dry. But that task was becoming too difficult to handle. 

“I know I don’t deserve any happiness. I know it, Armin. Because no matter what I do, no matter if I try and better myself, it’ll never change that this was my entire fault. I can’t change that, no matter how much I wish too. I’ll always have that looming over me, haunting me every night. The nightmares are awful, Armin. It’s the same thing every night. It goes right back to the night of the accident and every single night, the wound is reopened, and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to live with myself knowing that if I hadn’t been behind the wheel that night, everything would have been different. You would still be at my side.” I paused my speech to take a jagged, shuddering breath. 

“Do you hate me? I wouldn’t blame you if you did. It’s all my fucking fault. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Armin, I’m sorry.” I rocked back and forth as the tears spilled over and burned their trail down my face. I doubt that I’ll ever be able to keep myself from crying when visiting Armin’s grave. As I was finishing my broken apology, I thought I heard footsteps behind me. It was hard to tell by sound alone, since there was grass all around, but I could feel the presence of another human. 

I turned around with my tear-stained face to see if my suspicions were correct. They were; somebody was walking along the main path a few rows away from where I was seated. I tilted my head up to look at their face, since I couldn’t see up very far from my position on the grass. With a jolt I recognized Levi’s face, and much to my horror, his gaze was fixed right on me. He looked away as soon as he noticed my own eyes on his. I wondered how much of my speech he had heard; I could only pray that he hadn’t been quite close enough to catch any of my words. 

He wore the black leather jacket that I had seen him in the first time we’d been at the cemetery at the same time, along with light-wash jeans. A small ray of sunlight bounced off of the shiny silver stud that went through his eyebrow. A bouquet of roses was hugged against him protectively; like they could vanish at any point. His gait was fast, taking his height into consideration. He didn’t look at me again as he continued down the path; after a few moments, he disappeared from my line of sight completely. 

I turned back to Armin’s tombstone. 

“That’s my coworker, Armin. His name is Levi. I don’t know what to think of him, really, but I guess that’s natural, since I only just met him yesterday.” I remained silent for a while after informing Armin about Levi. The air around me was stifling; there was no such thing as a gentle breeze that day. Despite that, I refused to get up and leave until almost two hours had passed since my arrival. 

If Levi had parked his motorcycle in the small parking lot in front of the cemetery, then he had already left the graveyard, because the shiny black motorcycle was nowhere to be found. I climbed into my car and blasted both the ac and the radio as I drove home. I kept my radio on a station that played mostly hard and alternative rock; currently playing was a song by Five Finger Death Punch that I never did quite catch the name of, although it was a decent enough song. 

I pulled into our house’s driveway a little after four ‘o clock and was pleased to see that dad’s car wasn’t occupying the driveway. When I got inside, mom was already at work preparing supper. Sometimes it seemed like that was all she ever did; prepare meals. We rarely ever went out to eat or ordered in; mother genuinely enjoyed cooking so there was never much need for it. I’d only had fast food maybe once or twice since Armin's passing; it used to be a regular thing for us to do, so that habit died right along with him. 

I’d only been in my room for a handful of minutes when I heard a soft knocking at my door. Mikasa had once again ventured over to my own personal dwelling. I opened my door and she didn’t ask to come in; it was safe to assume it was because she was afraid that dad would get home at any point. Which was a valid fear considering how last time how it turned out last time dad found us in my room, so I didn’t invite her inside either. 

“How was work last night?” She asked, leaning against the doorframe. 

“It was decent.”

“That’s good. Did you get to ask your boss if you’re still hiring?”’

“No, I’m sorry, I forgot to ask. I’ll remember when I go tomorrow, though, since he’ll be there.”

“Alright. I was just wondering.” Mikasa offered me a tiny smile that was about as polished as mine these days. Smiling was no longer a part of our daily lives, and it showed. We stood there for a few moments, neither of us knowing what to say. Eventually, we just gave up; there wasn’t anything for us to talk about. Mikasa retreated back into her own space and I closed the door to lock myself back up into mine. 

Dad didn’t come home drunk; I’d come to the general consensus that it was an every other day type of situation. He’d get drunk, lose himself in a rage (pretty much guaranteed to be against me), and the next day mother would yell at him and say she wouldn’t stand for that anymore. So he wouldn’t drink that next day, but then the day after that, it’d be back to square one. In any case, it was nice knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with his bullshit every single day; the attacks I’d had to endure from him already hurt me more than enough. Unless he got worse, which was a realistic possibility, but I’d deal with that when it got there. Hopefully, I’d work enough night shifts to lessen that blow 

Communication within the family was strained; it didn’t matter if dad was sober or drunk. Heavy silence weighed down the air around us whenever we were all together (which was really only dinnertime). That night, dad didn’t speak to me during dinner and I didn’t speak to him. It was the most peaceful supper we’d undergone together since he’d come back. I had no complaints.

Despite not having to deal with dad’s intoxication issues, I felt particularly shitty about myself that night when I returned to my room. There was no single issue that my mind was focused around that brought me down; it was life in general. I had a job but that didn’t change the fact that life just really fucking sucked and that I hated myself more than I could ever hate anyone else, dad included. On top of it all, I missed Armin a whole fucking lot. I had enjoyed life when Armin was around. Life with Armin was good to me. 

Life without Armin was a bottomless pit of despair that I highly doubted I would ever find myself able to get out of. Even good days sucked; even if there was no reason for me to hurt myself, I still needed to do it. I had become dependent on that pain to even function; and I hated myself for it. But self-hatred always brought with it a new wound on my body. The cycle was endless; cruel and unforgiving. 

While we’re on the topic, I guess I could mention the quickly dwindling amount of space on my arms left for destroying at my leisure. I could always go over my scars; I already did that on occasion, but it would never be quite the same sensation as marring a smooth, unflawed patch of flesh. Soon, I would be left with no choice but to find somewhere else to hurt, as well. My thighs seemed like the best candidate, and I had little doubt in my mind that soon they would be just as messed up as both of my arms were. But for now, I continued my work along the few stretches of clean skin on my arms that were left. 

My thoughts consumed me, and they would have late into the night, but I didn’t let them. After spending some quality time with the sharp edge of one of my blades, I dug around in my nightstand’s drawer for the little round bottle of prescription sleeping pills I kept stashed away for nights like this. I popped a couple into my mouth and swallowed; I didn’t need water or anything to down them. After a bit, I could feel them take their effect and let them pull me under into the oblivion of aided sleep.

-x-

The following morning, I didn’t wake up until one ‘o clock in the afternoon; one hour before the start of my shift. I dragged myself into the shower and got dressed; I wore the same thing as yesterday but swapped the shorts for a pair of dark blue jeans. As usual, I didn’t bother with breakfast (well, it would have been lunch at that point, but anyways) before heading out the door. I made it to 7-Eleven five minutes before my punch-in time. Annie was behind the counter; I wondered exactly how often she worked. I’d probably ask her later, as long as we weren’t busy. She had been leaning against the counter with her arms crossed before she noticed me.

“Oh, you’re here. Hi.” She said. I towered over her once I stood next to her; she was shorter than Levi was. My guess was that she was right around the five foot mark. Apparently, intimidating short people were a common thing here. There were still a few minutes before I had to punch-in, so I asked Annie if Erwin was around. 

“Yeah. He’s in his office, so you can go ahead and talk to him or whatever.”

I knocked on the door to the small office and waited to be granted permission to enter. 

“Come in.”

I opened the door and stood in the doorway awkwardly, unsure of how to go about what I had come to ask in the first place. When it was evident to Erwin that I wasn’t going to speak up, he broke the silence with a greeting.

“Hello, Eren. Did you need something?”

“Ah, um, I was just wondering…if we’re still hiring?”

Erwin grinned. “Have a suggestion for our next new hire, do you?” 

“Uh. My sister is looking for a job so I just thought I’d ask, I guess.”

“No need to be so shy about it. I don’t know if we need anyone else or not right now, but I’m more than willing to give you an application for her to turn in.” He dug around in his desk until he pulled out an application for an employment identical to the one I had previously filled out.

“It’d be pointless to make her come in and get one herself, since you’re already here. However, she’ll have to bring it back herself.” 

He motioned for me to step forward and grab the thin paper from his hands. I did so and folded the rectangle neatly several times so that it could fit in my jeans pocket. I thanked him for it and he told me that it was his pleasure. I said goodbye to him before parting ways; I needed to hurry and punch-in to be officially on-time for the day. Annie didn’t question me about what I had needed to speak with Erwin about; I was pleased by the fact that she was a person who felt no need to pry into other people’s lives.

Around four ‘o clock, two kids who looked to be about Annie’s age came waltzing in. A look of annoyance spread across Annie’s face and her eyes narrowed as they confidently strode over to the counter, directly in front of where she was standing behind the solid wall. One of them was ridiculously tall and they were both well-built and were certainly not lacking in the muscle department. They were the exact opposite to my average heighted, fail body that lacked any sort of muscular buildup whatsoever. I would have had at least some muscle, probably, if I would have kept up with working out, which I used to do with Mikasa (while she trained for sports). But I had lost anything that I’d gained when I stopped properly taking care of my body. But, anyways.

The taller of the two guys had short black hair and the shorter one was blonde. Their faces were consumed by smug grins when they caught sight of Annie’s annoyed look that could actually probably take someone’s life, if looks could kill. 

“Annieeee.” They said in unison; Annie rolled her eyes in response.

“What the hell do you two want?”

“We were just heading home after hitting the movies, so we thought we’d drop by and bug you for a bit.” It was the blonde one who spoke.

“So, how are you, Annie?” The tall, black-haired one asked.

“Fine. We got a new guy, so at least it’s interesting. This is him, by the way.” Annie used a hand gesture to show that I was the employee she was talking about. 

“Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Reiner, and this is Bert.”

“Hi, I’m Eren.” I replied; there were only a handful of customers in the shop beside them. 

“Do you hate Annie yet? It’s okay if you do, ‘cuz she’s a prick. Right, Bert?”

“Oh, yeah. Vicious, that one. Pretty much one hundred percent evil.” They both grinned at Annie; she didn’t crack even the tiniest of smiles. 

“Not to mention her hei-“ Reiner was interrupted by a fist that landed square on his chest; Annie had (more skillfully than one would anticipate) thrown the punch. While overly harsh, it was a gesture of friendship, judging by the way that Bert and Reiner laughed; even Annie’s expression had softened slightly. Very slightly. But still, the change was there. 

Their fun was interrupted by a customer that had approached Annie’s side of the counter; I had still been leaning back against the counter so the middle-aged woman must’ve thought I wasn’t available to help her. The two boys looked like they were going to try and strike a conversation with me, but thought better of it. I was probably coming off to them as standoffish; I doubted the expression on my face was remotely approachable. I wasn’t trying to seem unapproachable, but that was just how it went these days. Social grace doesn’t form overnight, after all. The only reason I’d been decent around Annie was because she was about as inclined towards social activity as I was. The same went for Levi, I suppose, although at the moment, I’d decided I liked Annie a bit more. 

Once the customer had been helped, the boys stuck around to antagonize Annie for a while longer before announcing that they best be off; to which she replied, “Thank god.”  
Once they were gone from the small store, she turned to face me and rolled her eyes.

“They’re annoying as fuck, but they’re pretty much my only friends, so whatever.” She didn’t sound like she had even an ounce of embarrassment over only having two friends. Although, I wasn’t one to judge; I didn’t even have any friends, unless you count Mikasa, and she’s my fucking sister. 

“You have a strong arm on you.” I said, referencing the way she had forcefully hit Reiner. 

“Yeah. My dad used to show me fight moves a lot. It used to be our thing.”

“Oh, that’s cool. You guys don’t do that anymore?” 

“He’s dead.” She didn’t look away, didn’t flinch as she said it. Which was something I could definitely admire. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. I was pretty young.”

“Still.”

“The past is the past. There’s nothing I can do about it, now.” She looked at me wistfully as she spoke. 

I disagreed with her, naturally; I was far too stuck in the past to move on and act like it was all suddenly okay. So I didn’t respond; I just approached my register of the counter so that I could help any customers who needed it. I successfully helped a couple on my own without Annie’s help, but my third or fourth customer caused me some troubles and I had to have her take over the transaction. The first customer who was delayed because of my inexperience was very understanding, which was relieving to bear witness to. However, the second customer who was held back a moment or two wasn’t quite so gracious. I apologized several times for holding them back; they rolled their eyes impatiently and tapped their foot as I handed them their change. 

At the end, he’d said, “Learn to actually do your job.” He probably didn’t realize that I was new, but his harsh reaction to the situation itself had upset me. I didn’t want to let something so insignificant get to me, but I couldn’t help it. Long gone were the days that I could shrug little things like that off like it was nothing; which in the end, it was. 

Annie caught the hurt that had crossed my face, and after the customer was out of the building, she tilted her head up to look in my eyes as she said, “Hey, don’t let it bother you. There’ll always be asshole customers; it’s part of the job. So don’t let it get you down, alright?”

“…Right.” I muttered; I was grateful that she’d tried to comfort me, even if it didn’t help much. 

After that, things went pretty smoothly. At six ‘o clock, Annie disappeared into the backroom and returned with a black lunch bag. 

“You can pretty much eat dinner whenever you want here, as long as it’s not insanely busy or anything. Erwin doesn’t care, as long it doesn’t hinder our performance or some shit. I suppose you haven’t really worked a shift like this yet, where you just eat dinner here. Did you bring anything to eat?”

“No, I didn’t.” Even if I would have thought about it beforehand, I wouldn’t have brought anything. If I was that hungry, I could just eat when I got home. 

“I figured. Do you want to share some of mine? I’m off of work before you are, anyways, so I can always stop and get something on my way home.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m not hungry. What time does your shift end?”

"It ends at eight, so I’ll only be gone an hour before you.”

“Alright.”

“Oh, and if you were wondering, Levi’s coming in once I leave, so it’s not like you’ll be alone or anything. He’s on the nightshift, tonight; he’s on it more often than the rest of us.”

“Speaking of working more often, you seem to work a lot, yourself.”

“College is expensive.” Simply put; that was all the explanation necessary. I’d have to worry about that soon; if I could even get into college at this point; we’d have to see how senior year would play out, first. If I became a straight D student like last year, then I would probably be a 7-Eleven employee for far longer than I should be. 

Annie’s supper turned out to be a couple of sandwiches and some fruit that she had packed; apparently our microwave (which is literally just on a little table in the back, because the place is too small for a proper break room) sucks enough for her to rarely bother with it. She ate her food as I dealt with any customers passing through. 

The rest of our shift together passed quickly and with few blemishes. Eight ‘o clock lazily rolled around, and Annie waited until exactly eight ‘o clock to punch out for the night. She was standing in front of her computer screen, waiting to punch out when the engine of Levi’s motorcycle filled the air outside of the store. What twenty-two year old college student rode a motorcycle everywhere, anyways? A moment later, Levi pushed open the front door and wasted no time in taking his place at the counter where Annie had been stationed; since space was somewhat limited, I could feel him brush up against me slightly as he passed. I noticed that his hair was all slightly out of place; he hadn’t taken the time to fix it after taking off his motorcycle helmet. He wore a plain white long-sleeved shirt; I decided that black suited him better.

Levi and I stood right next to each other while waiting for Annie to finish with her computer so that Levi could take over. None of us said anything until Annie bid us both goodbyes for the evening. Once she was gone, it was just Levi and I like it had been previously; Erwin left around seven. A customer required my attention, so I didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness that would ensue if Levi and I just stood around together. 

He said barely anything for the rest of the shift and I wondered if he had been reflecting back on yesterday’s mutual graveyard visit. I knew that my mind jumped to it quite often since it had happened. Every now and then, I would glance over in his direction to find that he was already looking at me; a peculiar thoughtfulness softening his harsh, piercing facial features. We both looked away immediately; I cast my eyes down onto the ground and waited for my shift to meet its end. When there was only fifteen minutes left, I remembered that I had forgotten to look at the week’s schedule. I didn’t know where it was placed, so I was left with only one choice.

“Levi?”

“What?”

“Where do you guys keep the schedule?”

“On the wall right outside Erwin’s office. There should be several of them tacked to the wall, so you can take one with you. Erwin gives weird goddamn hours, so I advise taking one instead of thinking you can memorize it on your own. Oh, and while you’re there, you could get me a schedule, too.” 

I nodded and made my way to Erwin’s office; I found the schedules tacked right where Levi had said they would be. I took a moment to look over the schedule before grabbing one for myself. Since school was starting up in a couple weeks, Erwin had given me mostly daytime hours; I’d probably get later hours once school started and would be unable to work until after three. The only exception within the next week was Friday; I’d be working from ten at night to five in the morning, spending the entirety of my shift with Levi. 

I didn’t have to work tomorrow or on Thursday, leaving me with only Wednesday, Friday, and the weekend for shifts. I wished most of my hours could be evening/night hours so that I could better avoid my dad, but at least it was better than dealing with him every single night. Anything was better than being cooped up in the house with that bastard. 

Once I was finished with my analysis of the schedule, I tore two sheets off from the tack that connected them all to the white wall. I folded one of them and set it in front of the application I’d stuck in my pocket earlier. I walked back to the counter and Levi looked up upon hearing my footsteps.

“Took you long enough.” 

“Sorry.” I apologized sheepishly as I handed him the schedule. 

“No need to apologize.”

I bit back the “sorry” that instinctually gathered itself to settle on my lips, ready to be spoken. 

He scanned his eyes quickly over the schedule before shoving it into his pocket unceremoniously. 

“Looks like you’ll be introduced to the nightshift in its fully glory on Friday.”

“Yeah.”

Silence filled the air until nine ‘o clock, when I was allowed to punch out and take my leave for the night. I said bye to Levi and he didn’t look up as he muttered a “bye” back at me.

I was hesitant to go home, since dad was probably still up. So instead of heading straight home, I stopped by McDonalds. I hadn’t eaten anything that day, so I could at least allow myself the benefit of one meal. Not that McDonalds was an excellent choice nutrition-wise, but oh well. To extend my time away from home even further, I ate inside instead of going through the drive-thru. I ordered a big mac and medium order of fries. The girl working the counter handed me my cup so that I could go and pour my soda; I ended up choosing mountain dew. After about five minutes, she called the number she had given me when I ordered. I took my goods and went to find a place to sit among the tables. Only three of the tables were currently occupied; all by people who looked roughly my age. I was the only person who was alone, but it didn’t bother me, since I was so used to being by myself. 

I ate my food at a snail’s pace and by the time I had finished, only one of the other tables remained occupied. With the food gone, I had nothing left to do to waste time; with a sigh, I dumped my tray of its garbage and set it atop the others stacked along the shelf. I took the most indirect, roundabout way that I could think to travel on the way home. It was a little after ten ‘o clock when I pulled into the driveway; that left me with about a fifty-fifty shot of catching dad awake.  
I took a deep breath before exiting my car.

-x-

Fate had been relatively kind to me lately, so naturally, it was hardly a surprise to walk in on a fully conscious dad. The glass of scotch held firmly in his right hand was a major red flag that I needed to get the hell away from his as swiftly as I could. I gulped when his cruel gaze fixed itself onto me as I got closer and closer to the living room. Even if I did manage to get away from him to get to my room, it wouldn’t matter. My door didn’t have a lock. 

I was locked in a futile battle, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t just leave; I had nowhere to go. I had no friends to stay with and I didn’t know where any family members lived; we weren’t close enough to them for me to seek refuge with them, anyways. 

The air around us was aflame with tension; I waited for him to begin his attack for the night in silence with tensed shoulders and a look that held both defiance and defeat within its depths. Mikasa was in her room and there was a fair chance she was already asleep; she didn’t stay up that late these days, as far as I knew. Mom was always in bed at a decent hour too. At least dad wouldn’t be able to yell at me too loudly; even while drunk out of his mind, he would realize that it was in nobody’s best interest to wake the ladies of the house. Hopefully. 

Dad rose up from his chair at an agonizingly slow rate. I stood paralyzed where I was standing on the plush white carpet of the living room. Before long, dad was directly in front of me. He looked me in the eyes, and I flinched away before he even lifted a finger against me.

“What are you looking at, asshole?” He practically whispered; it was eerily haunting to hear him speak so quietly. 

“Nothing.” I whispered back, mind telling me to flee but feet staying rooted in place. 

“Is that so. How was work?”

“It was good.”

“You’re still a worthless pile of shit.”

“I know.”

“Don’t you sass me, boy.”

“I’m not.”

“I don’t believe you, son.” I could hear the way his words slurred. I was fucked. He sounded calm, but it was a pseudo-calm. 

He started listing the same list of reasons why I was trash that he typically used against me. Yep, I fucked up. Yeah, there was the crash and Armin died and yes, dad, it was my fault, because I’m worthless. Alright. Got it. Trust me, I’m aware. Seething with fury, I remained silent as his calm slowly dissolved and while he was still whispering, it was still terrifying to bear witness to. 

Without warning, a heavy hit smashed itself against my face. The scene could’ve been described as a stereotypical movie hit; the way his hand connected to my cheek causing my face to immediately turn to the side from the impact. Since I hadn’t had time to brace myself, I stumbled as one of my hands instinctually flew to my face that stung with fresh pain. Dad walked away; the one hit had been enough to satiate him for that night, apparently. I angrily fled to my room, wishing I could have slammed the door full force behind me. But the others were sleeping and the last thing I needed was mom’s blissfully ignorant slumber to be interrupted by my own struggles. 

I felt detached from the world, as if dad’s slap to my face had freed me from the confines of reality for a short time. I was too upset to form coherent thoughts, so that night I ended up sleeping in my daytime clothes. I didn’t cut myself or even burn myself, but I did vigorously scratch a clean patch of skin on my arm in order to have pain to aid me in falling asleep; I was a bit too tired and out of it to remember that sleeping pills were made for that purpose. Pain helped lull me to sleep, anyways.

Life was still a living hell.

-x-

On Tuesday, I didn’t have to work. The day was slow and uneventful as they always were when I didn’t have something to distract myself with. I’d only worked a couple shifts but work was already far preferable to being at home. 

Sometime during mid-afternoon when dad was gone at work, I knocked on Mikasa’s door. She was still wearing her pajamas when she answered to my incessant knocking. 

“Oh, Eren. Hi.”

“Hi. I brought you a job application; Erwin’s not sure if we need anybody or not but he said you can still drop in an application no problem.”

“Thanks. I’ll fill it out today.”

“No problem.” 

“Oh, and would you be willing to go with me when I turn it in?” 

“Sure.” I said; there was no reason for me to say no as long as we went before dad would be likely to come home. If he was us coming home together, there’d be hell to pay.

After a half hour or so, Mikasa came to my door and asked if I was ready to go to 7-Eleven with her. A few minutes later and we were sitting side by side in her car, which was slightly nicer than mine. We sat in a comfortable silence as we listened to her radio during the ride there. I sat in the car as Mikasa turned in her application; I asked who had been working and she said it was a short blonde girl. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it had been Annie.

Luckily, we had managed to beat dad home and had been relaxing in our respective rooms when he walked through the door. He was sober because he’d come straight home from work. I wondered if that sobriety would last into the night. After a brief argument on my parent’s part, I realized that it would.  
-x-

On Wednesday, I had to work from noon to five; the shortest shift I’d worked so far. 

I was quickly developing the habit of thoroughly bandaging my arms before work; it gave me a slight peace of mind. At the very least, if my sleeves crept up like they had when I’d been sweeping, the worst anyone would see would be an orderly array of band-aids. It would take a fuck ton of band-aids to cover my arms completely, so I only went about halfway up with them. Even so, it took quite a few and I made a note to myself to pick up a couple boxes of them next time I went shopping. Which was rarely; but school was rapidly approaching and I may as well at least bother to go pick up some supplies. I decided to do that Thursday, since then I wouldn’t have to work.

I spent half of my shift with Annie and the latter half with a peppy girl named Christa. She was extremely pretty and was rather petite; her perpetually chipper attitude irritated me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her; it was more that I was envious of somebody who could possibly be so happy with life. And you could tell that she was a genuinely happy person just by looking at her. She was one of those naturally charming people; she probably had a truckload of suitors at her doorstep every day. 

She tried to spark conversation with me several times throughout our couple hours together, but had been disappointed by my short replies and lack of interest in small talk. She had given up by the end but still offered me an enthusiastic farewell when it was my time to set out. 

-x-

On Thursday, I went school supply shopping just like I had planned the previous day. I left the house around five ‘o clock, which was when dad would be getting home soon. I ditched my car in favor of walking; it was one of the cooler days that we’d experienced this summer, so I wasn’t dying of heat in my hoodie and jeans. The main reason I set out on foot, though, was simply because it would help extend the time I spent away from home that evening. The sun wouldn’t set until after nine ‘o clock, so I had plenty of daylight left. Mom told me to be careful as I rushed out the door, keys and wallet in hand. 

I walked down the main street of our town; it was the most direct path to get to Target, which is where I had decided to go. Once inside the store, I grabbed one of the bright red baskets from the pile near the entrance. I didn’t need much; I grabbed some notebooks, a couple of folders, and some new pens and pencils to get me through the year. I bought the cheapest available forms of each item; my notebooks were those flimsy ninety-nine cent ones that nobody actually ever bought. It’s not like I was going to actually put a fair effort into school, anyways. I shouldn’t set myself up for failure like that, I guess, but there was no denying the truth that I wouldn’t give a single shit about school once it started up again. 

On my way to the register, I stopped by the aisle that held band-aids among its depths. I grabbed two boxes of the cheapest ones I could get my hands on; I was curious to see how long two full boxes would last me. Probably not as long as I could hope for. But in the end, I could always get more as I needed them, so it was unimportant. I checked out and paid the man at the register with my debit card and carried my bag (everything had fit into a single bag, which was nice) in my right hand. I’d only been in Target for a half hour, and since it had taken me about a half hour to walk to Target, it was roughly six ‘o clock.

I walked through town with my head down (out of habit) and was snapped out of my own thoughts by somebody standing right in front of me, hindering me from continuing on my path home. I lifted my head up, irritated, so see who was blocking my path. A girl around my height with long brown hair swept up into a ponytail had her hands on hips and looked absurdly excited to be right in front of me. She looked to be maybe a couple years older than me. She had on a pair of blocky, square-shaped glasses and a baby blue t-shirt that exclaimed, “Titans are friends!” It was the opposite of my “slay titans” hoodie, and it was weird seeing another titan thing worn by somebody else. She wore a pair of white shorts and black flip-flops. She was grinning at me and I had no clue why. 

“Hi, are you Eren?” She said; her voice brimmed with enthusiasm.

“Uh. Yeah.” I replied; how in god’s name did she know my name, anyways?

“So you’re Levi’s new friend, then!” 

“Um. He’s not my friend. I met him, like, twice, if it’s even the same guy.”

“Short, black-hair, looks angry all the time?” She asked.

“Yeah. But he’s not my friend or anything.”

“Don’t you guys work together?”

“We worked together twice.”

“Okay, but you don’t hate him, right?”

“Uh, no? He’s not that bad I guess.” I was pretty confused by the whole situation, to be quite honest. 

“So what you’re saying is, you’d be willing to give him a shot, right?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, you see, he just doesn’t have that many friends and all of his coworkers end up hating him, so when he said that you didn’t seem to dislike him all that much, I thought to myself; I need to meet this guy!”

“Okay?” 

“I know this whole scenario right now is probably pretty weird! But me, Levi, and our other friend are inside eating right now, would you maybe want to join us for a bit?” She motioned to the building off to our side; they were eating at Buffalo Wild wings, apparently.

“Uh, no thank you. I was just on my way hom-” I was cut off by a new voice added to our discussion.

“Hanji!” Levi hissed; annoyance emanated off of him so strongly that I could pretty much feel it. He was wearing a black and grey striped zip-up hoodie over a silver t-shirt; he left the sweatshirt completely unzipped as if he’d just thrown it on last second before heading out the door. His grey jeans were so dark that I mistook them for black at first. 

“Aw, I was hoping we’d make it inside before Levi noticed I didn’t just go to the bathroom like I’d said.” Hanji looked disappointed. 

“What are you doing?” Levi asked to Hanji as he caught up to where we were standing on the sidewalk. 

“I figured I’d invite Eren inside to join us, because you were talking about him and there he was.” She grinned sheepishly at Levi, looking like a puppy that had just been caught misbehaving. 

And Levi had been talking about me? The things he said about me couldn’t have been too terrible if Hanji had taken it as some kind of warped signal to stop me on the sidewalk and invite me in. Still lost in a state of confusion, I silently watched Hanji and Levi.

“Only you would ever take that as an invitation to grab him from the street.”

“I wanted to meet him! And it’s you who pointed him out, so really, this is all on you. Plus, he looked so lonely just walking along by himself.”

Levi took the time to scowl bitterly at her before turning to me. 

“I’m sorry for this. Hanji gets these ideas in her head that make sense only to her. So go ahead and get back to whatever you were doing.”

“Wait, Eren! Come on, join us for a bit. Do you have anywhere you need to be?”

“Not really, but I…” I trailed off. Really, I had no reason to rush home. Dad would be there, and the longer I could delay seeing him, the better. And Hanji did seem nice enough; no matter how strange she was, if the past couple of minutes were anything to go by. I was still unsure of my opinion on Levi but apparently he didn’t completely hate me. I had no clue who the other kid was that was sitting inside with them that Hanji had mentioned, but whatever. I didn’t really have anything to lose. 

“Oh, and I’ll pay for you! We haven’t even had a chance to order, yet; we just got our drinks. So will you join us? Come on, it’ll be fun. I want to get to know Levi’s new friend.” She smiled brightly, looking back and forth between Levi and me.

Levi and I both muttered, “He’s not my friend” at the same time. Hanji ignored us both, and clapped her hands happily and left us alone to go inside and ask the people up front for another menu. Levi turned to me with an exasperated sigh.

“You don’t need to say yes just to appease her. If you don’t want to come in with us, then don’t.”

“No, it’s fine. I have nothing better to do, really.” I replied, and we both walked into the building together. Levi led me to their booth, which was a window seat; I had expected as much since they had been able to see me from the window. Their other friend’s name was Mike, and he was friendly. He didn’t talk as much as Hanji, but he was just as peculiar, judging by the way he leaned over the table’s surface just so sniff me. Hanji had responded to my confused face by stating that he was in the habit of smelling every new person he met. She said that judging by his nod; it was safe to assume he thought I smelled good. Apparently, I was supposed to take that a compliment. So far, Levi seemed like the most normal member of the trio, and that was overall quite alarming.

Hanji and Mike sat side by side and I decided it was safe to assume they were dating. No wonder Hanji wanted Levi to have someone there too; she didn’t want him to feel like a third-wheel. That left me to sit beside Levi, who was slouching a bit, arms crossed. He looked about as amused as I felt. 

As conversation ensued (it included a lot of playful bickering between Levi and Hanji), I was hit with a crushing blow of both nostalgia and overwhelming sadness. Armin, Mikasa, and I used to come to BWW and eat quite a bit. We’d always sit in a booth similar to the one I was seated in at the moment, and we’d just order a few different types of wings and share them amongst ourselves. I hadn’t set foot into a BWW since before Armin’s death; it was stupid of me to think I would be totally fine just waltzing in. I’d make a mistake. 

“Eren?” Hanji was staring at me; apparently she had been addressing me.

“Oh, sorry, what?”

“I asked if you’re excited for your last year of high school. You’re a senior, right?”

“I’m a senior, yeah. But not really.”

“Aw, you should be. You’re only a senior once!”

“We’re seniors in college.” Levi added in; his tone was laced with boredom as he took a sip of the beer he’d gotten before I’d arrived. I’d forgotten that he was already over the legal drinking age. Apparently, the other two were his age, as well. 

Hanji dutifully ignored Levi’s sarcastic remark and moved on.

“So, Eren, do you know what you want to go to college for?”

“No.”

“What kind of classes are you taking this year?”

“I don’t remember.”

"Oh, alright. It happens. So, you should tell us a bit about yourself.” 

I opened my mouth to say something but stopped when a waiter appeared. Hanji tried convincing me to order food, but I declined. I didn’t want other people paying for me when I probably wouldn’t even finish whatever I ordered, anyways. I would have paid for myself if I’d been hungry, anyways. Everyone else placed their orders and the waiter left our table. 

“Ah, where were we?” Hanji paused for a moment; she resumed with, “Oh, yeah. Let’s hear about you, Eren. What kind of stuff do you like?”

“Um…” I was at a loss. I didn’t do anything these days other than work and sit alone in my room. I had no hobbies; all I did was watch TV. 

“I guess I kinda put you on the spot. But I’ll tell you, my favorite thing in this world is science. I live for science. Wanna hear about it?” There was an eerie gleam in Hanji’s eyes as she said it. 

“No, Hanji, don’t do that to him.” Levi said.

Mike chipped in as well. “Yeah, we were trying to learn more about Eren, not science.”

“Fine, fine. So how do you like your job at 7-Eleven?”

“It’s pretty good.”

“Have you worked a nightshift yet?”

“Not a full one yet, no.”

“He’s doing that tomorrow with me, though.” Levi chimed in.

“That’s when all the weirdos come out, so prepare yourself!” Hanji giggled. 

“As long as you two don’t come in, we should be able to manage.” Levi grabbed his glass and took another drink from it. The carefree conversation had managed to distract me from thoughts of past days for at least a little bit. The food arrived, and everyone started grabbing at the chicken wings except for me. Between eating, they continued talking. They included me where they could, so it never became too excruciatingly awkward. It was still a weird situation; I can honestly say that was the first and only time someone I had just met snatched me from the sidewalk to have dinner with them that I didn’t even eat. But hey, I wasn’t at home. 

At one point, Mike looked to me and asked, “So, do you happen to have a lovely girlfriend in your life to go home to?” The question was playful, airy; he was trying to include me and just be nice. It wasn’t his fault that the question broke my composure entirely; emotion poured through the floodgate of my soul and it was one of those unfortunate times where reality hits you like a brick wall. Tears sprung to my eyes, embarrassingly enough. I was thinking of Armin, and I was thinking about how I should have been there with him and Mikasa, enjoying an entertaining Thursday night in each other’s company. I barely knew these people and I was mortified at the idea of losing my shit in front of them. Before the tears in my eyes could spill over and cascade unceremoniously down my face, I hurried up from my seat.

“I’m sorry, I forgot that there’s something I had to do.” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t muster a proper goodbye before I fled quickly from the building; my left hand held my Target bag and my right hand wiped the tears gathered along my eyes. On my way out, I’d seen the trio all staring at me with varying levels of confusion expressed on their faces. I already dreaded work the following night; my whole shift was to be spent with Levi and I hated the idea of spending all that time with him after my sudden fit. Fuck. I was fucked.

I entered the house in a foul mood, but at least dad hadn’t gotten home yet. He was either working late or drinking, and I prayed that it were the former. I didn’t greet mother, who was sitting in the living room when I passed by. I had only been in my room for about ten minutes before I heard a knock on the door. 

Mikasa said, “Your boss called me today. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon.” She gave me a tiny smile to convey her happiness at being able to tell me the news. Despite my horrid mood, I tried to return the smile.

“That’s great, I’m glad.” 

“Yeah. Thanks again for getting me the application and all.”

“No problem.”

The front door opened. Dad’s footsteps rapped against the kitchen tile. Our conversation was cut short, since I wasn’t even allowed to go near my own goddamn sister. Which was complete and utter bullshit. Dad was loud and obnoxious in the living room but he didn’t come bother me that night, so I was able to mutilate my own body in peace. I ended up falling asleep with my bloody rag still pressed up against the bleeding fissures that had opened that night by my own steady hand.

-x-

Ten ‘o clock took forever to arrive, but I did eventually find myself climbing out of my parked car to start my first nightshift at 7-Eleven. I made it there at the same time Levi did; he climbed off of his motorcycle and removed his helmet at the same time that I closed my car door. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and he shook his hair out a bit before using his fingers to place it back exactly where he wanted it. We made it to the door at the same time and awkwardly waited for the other to go first; after a moment he impatiently motioned for me to go first. Christa was working along with a brunette girl whose face had freckles scattered across it; she introduced herself to me as Ymir. At exactly ten, they both punched out, allowing for me and Levi to officially start our own shift. 

I wore my slay titans sweatshirt over a navy blue shirt and pale jeans. Levi wore the same sweatshirt he’d worn yesterday, but had swapped his silver shirt for a black one and wore jeans that were a bit lighter colored than yesterday’s. We both had our nametags pinned over our shirt, announcing our names to anyone who cared to look.

Levi was the first to speak.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

“No, it’s fine; I was the one who left all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, but it’s my fault you were put in that situation in the first place.”

“Not really. I could have just said “no” and not gone in with you guys.”

“Just accept my apology, okay?” Levi narrowed his eyes at me, daring me to dispute it again.

“…Okay.”

Silence for several minutes. A customer approached my spot at the counter, and I rang up her items and accepted her payment. A customer had stepped in line behind her, and another. Both Levi and I had our hands busy for a good half hour or so before there was a break in customers. 

“Hey, Eren.”

“What?”

“…Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?”

“Yeah, I would.” I didn’t feel like breaking my fragile composure again. It wasn’t worth it.

A couple more moments of strained silence. 

“Even if you mind, can I ask you anyways?” Levi was watching me from his position in front of his register.

“Fine. What do you want to know so badly?” I spat, refusing to meet his gaze. I couldn’t help but notice the way he tilted his head upwards just to make eye contact with me. Why was he prying, anyways? It wasn’t like he gave a fuck. I barely knew him. Even if I knew him well, he still wouldn’t give a fuck. Because nobody had room in their lives to give a fuck about me, and that was the cruel truth of my reality. 

“You lost somebody you loved, didn’t you?”

“Why do you want to know? What does it matter?”

“Look, I know you don’t want to admit it, but you may as well. It’s not that hard for me to tell, you know. So, who was it?”

I had no clue why I was willing to tell him the truth, but I was. Before I had time to register what I was saying, it had already been said.

“My boyfriend died last year.”

“I thought it would be something like that.”

“Yeah.”

He didn’t question the fact that I’d said boyfriend instead of girlfriend. Didn’t pry any farther than that. I didn’t know if I was grateful for the fact that he’d stopped or infuriated by the fact that he’d asked in the first place. 

More customers. Around midnight, we started cleaning, pausing if anybody entered the store. Hanji had been right about the type of people who go into a 7-Eleven after midnight; they ranged from overly quirky right down to full-on creepy. The worst one was a creepy old pervert who tried making a pass at me using rather lewd commentary; Levi had looked him dead in the eye and told him to get the fuck out of the store before he removed him by force, because we do not tolerate such grotesque behavior. The man scuttled off with his purchases as soon as Levi had given his stern word of warning. 

“Tch. People are filthy.” He muttered once the man was out the door. I returned to mopping the floor; a task given to me by Levi. Once I was done with that, he had me stock some of the refrigerated sections that were running low on product.

My thigh stung; I’d recently begun using it as my canvas, as well as my arms. I’d only cut my thigh once or twice, so the skin wasn’t yet used to constantly being ripped apart. Furthermore, I hadn’t thought about bandaging them up, since I’d never had cuts there before. One cut had run particularly deep; honestly, it could have reopened at any point in time and I wouldn’t have been surprised. As I knelt down on the floor to grab stock from one of the boxes set on the floor in front of me, I could feel the material of my jeans rub against my legs in just the wrong spot; I felt the wetness of blood pooling from the irritated wound. I had chosen a bad day to wear such light pants; I prayed the wound had not been bleeding enough to soak through my pants. I dared not look down at myself for the rest of the night, because I didn’t want to know if it did. If I avoided the problem, perhaps it would just go away.

Near the end of the shift, Levi called my name. I’d finished all of the cleaning I had to do, so we were both back behind the counter. I turned to him and met his gaze.

“Yeah?” I replied after he said my name.

“I know we don’t know each other well or anything and you probably don’t like me all that much, but if you ever need somebody to talk to, to hear you out, I’m willing to listen.” He never tore his eyes away from my face; it was me that broke the eye contact. Of course, I felt like it was an empty promise; he was trying to make up for when I had gotten upset yesterday at BWW. 

Despite feeling like it was a lie, I responded with, “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Levi nodded, but it was forced; I guess he could tell I didn’t really mean the words that came out of my mouth. But even if I did ever approach him with my problems, he wouldn’t understand. We were too entirely different people; he knew where he was going in life and who he was. He would never be understand me and my fucked-up sense of reality. I didn’t even really understand it, myself. Talking to him would be pointless. I could shoulder my pain myself; even if he meant what he said, I wouldn’t drag him into it, anyways. 

Nobody would be able to understand me, especially not the boy who stood proudly on his own two feet beside me. Because I was a person who was meant to be alone with nothing to guide me but self-mutilation and my father’s never-ending hatred of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly buy surely getting down to where Eren and Levi actually start getting to know each other, so start thinking about that~


	7. Fighting and Sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is left with no choice but to let Levi into his personal life.

Erwin ended up deciding that we have enough room at 7-Eleven for one more employee, and Mikasa received a phone call two days after her interview just like I had when I got hired. I was really happy that Erwin hired her on as well; I felt like a distraction could be as beneficial to her as it had been to me. Coming home each night still sent me into my typical downward spiral and my self-harm didn’t stop; even when I had the nightshift and got home in morning, I’d still seek solace with my tools. But still, the time spent at work helped. 

When Mikasa received the call, she came straight to my room to tell me the news. We ended up going out for lunch; nothing fancy, just fast food. We sat in the air-conditioned building and ate burgers together for the first time in over a year. She asked me a lot of questions about work, and I answered them all to the best of my ability; since I was still rather new, myself, many of them were left unanswered. It was a wonderful thing to see Mikasa look genuinely alive for once; she let herself be happy and it made me want to cry, but in a good way. And that didn’t happen often at all. 

That day would have been a great memory if dad hadn’t been in the picture at that point. Dad just served to prove that a good day free of self-loathing (and loathing aimed at him) was legitimately impossible to obtain. Mikasa and mom sat in the living room in a horrified silence as dad screamed at me in my own room. I had to work from six to midnight; I went to work that night with colorful bruises adorning my covered flesh. At least I’d been able to escape the house in favor of going to work; since dad had started his rampage so early in the evening, chances were that I would have fallen asleep with more than just a couple of bruises. 

I worked with Annie until ten. Since she was in college, her school year started before mine, so she’d spent the first half of her day attending class. I listened as she told me about a couple of her different classes; she had yet to firmly decide on a major. She admitted that it was because she’d always planned on joining the army but decided last minute that it just wasn’t for her, so she was left without any sort of career plan. She asked me if I had any sort of clue about what I wanted to do myself; I simply shook my head in response. 

Annie was replaced with Levi, naturally; he really was the main nightshift employee. Pretty much everyone else hated the nightshift and since Levi actually asked to be on the nightshift, Erwin had him on it as often as they could get away with. I got the feeling that Levi was somehow Erwin’s favorite employee. 

It was the first time I’d spent any of my shift with Levi since the night that he’d given me false comfort that he would be there if I needed it. I didn’t dread seeing him but I wasn’t excited for him to walk in the door, either. But it was inevitable that I couldn’t avoid him; I’d talked to Erwin earlier in the week about my school schedule and asked for nightshift hours during the school year. He’d been hesitant to agree to my request (don’t you need sleep?) but we ended up agreeing that I could work until one or two in the morning most nights without hindering my school performance (because I figured I should at least try and appear to give a single shit about school). With night hours came Levi; those two things were basically one and the same. 

Around ten ‘o clock, Levi made his appearance. Once Annie was gone, I could feel his eyes boring into me, analyzing every detail of my face. He was one of those people who could read pretty much anyone just like an open book. He could see the dark circles under my eyes and the grim set of my jaw. I’d tried acting like I was oblivious to his scrutiny but eventually I had to turn my head to the side so that he couldn’t examine my face anymore. 

“Are you okay?” He asked so quietly that I couldn’t even tell if the question had been meant for me to hear or not. I snapped my head around to look at him after the words left his mouth and the surprise on his face told me that he hadn’t meant to say the words out loud at all. 

He must have realized there was no going back at that point, so he cleared his throat and repeated the question.

“Are you okay?”

I sighed. “Yeah. I am.”

“You don’t know me well enough to tell me the truth.” He muttered, once again speaking in a tone that I had to strain to hear.  
Even though he’d only been here for about fifteen minutes, he announced that he was taking a smoke break. I watched him through the window like I had the first time I’d seen him outside smoking. His black long-sleeved shirt once again hinted at some kind of ink on his back, and a small part of me was curious as to what it was. He looked so relaxed as he stood outside facing the night sky, cigarette held delicately between his fingers. He was the first person to even pretend to be concerned about my wellbeing, and I couldn’t deny that it intrigued me. 

A part of me wanted to grab him by the shoulders as soon as he walked back inside, look him in the eyes, and just say, “No. I’m not okay. Please, fix me.” But I repressed that part of my soul; there was no way I’d open up to him about my pathetic hellhole of a life.

I couldn’t let him in my life in that way, but maybe a tiny bit of small talk wouldn’t hurt. So when he did make his appearance again (the strong scent of cigarette smoke clinging to him), I decided to speak up.

“So, you’re already back in school, right?” 

He raised his crooked eyebrows ever so slightly; surprised at my willingness to strike conversation.

“Yeah, I am.”

“What are you majoring in?” I asked, reflecting back on my earlier conversation with Annie.

“Business.”

“…Business?” 

“Simplistic and easy to work with.” He left it at that. I didn’t ask any further, because frankly, I was already uncomfortable just by asking a couple of questions.

At one point, we went to the back of the store to grab a couple of boxes of product to stock out front. Since I was taller (by a lot) and wouldn’t need a stool like Levi did, I was the one to grab everything this time. While grabbing the third box, I somehow lost my footing and ended up stumbling backwards, dropping the box I’d had clutched in between my hands. I was unbalanced enough in that moment to have fallen backwards and I would have, if not for Levi’s lightning fast reflexes. Before I could even come close to hitting the cement floor, he had a strong hold on one of my arms. He pulled me back upright by the arms, and his hand hit one of the newer wounds on my arm hard enough to cause me an involuntary yelp of pain. I instinctively tried to tug my arm away from his grasp.

He let go as soon as I cried out and yanked my arm back. I watched as alarm clouded his expression, arm still outstretched towards me. 

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, I, uh, was just surprised is all.”

“Are you sure? That seemed like it was a cry of pain, not of surprise.” There was far too much knowing in his eyes for my comfort. 

“Really. It was surprise.”

“You don’t need to lie to me, you know.”

“I’m not lying. Move on.” I hissed through gritted teeth, angered by his persistence. He sighed before grabbing one of the boxes that I had already taken off of the shelves and taking it out front, leaving me alone amongst the sea of cardboard. Again, I was struck with the urgent wish to run up to Levi and tell him about all of my demons. 

The rest of the shift passed excruciatingly slow, but eventually I was able to head home, much to my relief, for once. 

-x-

In September, my senior year of high school began. I had dreaded it immensely but had shoved the thought way into the back crevices of my mind, but now I had no choice but to face reality; I had to go to school. And so on the first day of school (a hot and humid late summer day) I dragged myself out of bed at six-thirty and prepared myself to go to hell. I threw on a dark pair of jeans that were actually clean (as in, I grabbed them from my dresser and not just off my floor, where most of my clothes lay) and navy-blue and white horizontally striped long-sleeve shirt. It was made of fairly thin material, so I would be able to stay somewhat cool. It was better than one of my sweatshirts, at the very least.

My teachers all came off as nice, but I knew they would quickly lose their calm exteriors once they realized I had no intentions of putting any effort into my education. Oh, wait. I had told myself I would actually try this year. I allowed a bitter laugh to escape me; like I was actually going to follow through with that plan. Nice one, Eren. You still fucking suck. 

Mikasa shared my lunch hour, so I didn’t have to sit by myself like I had last year. I didn’t eat anything, but she had a light blue tray set in front of her that had a slice of pepperoni pizza on it; the first day of school always had the best food and it all just went downhill from there. 

I did homework for about two days before giving up and declaring it a lost cause, much to my teachers’ anger and dismay. They started getting on my ass about it a lot faster than the faculty had last year; this year I had no excuse for my own academic downfalls. This time around, I hadn’t just recently lost a loved one, so I didn’t get any sort of grace period using that. Not to mention the fact that my new set of teachers had been informed about my poor performance last year; apparently straight D’s don’t bode well with most teachers. They often threatened to call my parents, to which I replied with the fact that I was eighteen and therefore technically in control of my own academic choices; they disputed it more often than not but it did lessen the number of calls made.

Mom tried to encourage me to do well in school, which often led to me ignoring her in favor of escaping to my room and her being left with a crestfallen look consuming her facial features. I simply couldn’t bring myself to try, to put in the effort required to do well enough to get myself into even a community college. At work, Levi asked me once or twice how school was going; one time I told him it was going okay and the other time I sarcastically told him that it was absolutely fantastic, which proved to be a mistake. He’d given me a look that was a mixture of concern and irritation and asked me what was so horrid about it. I didn’t tell him and he just rolled his eyes at my reluctance to expand on my comment. We did try to talk during our shifts from lack of anything better to do, and he still showed his pseudo-concern for me oftentimes. 

I felt shittier and shittier about myself the deeper I dug my own academic grave, but I still couldn’t stop. I couldn’t make myself care about homework or grades. The summer hadn’t been great by any means, but it had been far better than this. I worked late into the night but I still hurt myself when I got home, and still had to wake up in the morning to get my pathetic ass to school. None of my classmates attempted to talk to me and I sure as hell didn’t try to talk to any of them. Many of them looked at me with pity; they’d expected me to have gotten back on my feet by now, and it was obvious that I hadn’t. Yep, still a fuckup guys, you can look away now. 

Dad’s attacks hadn’t gotten any better; they got worse, to be quite honest. With my evening hours, I was able to escape some of it, but he still managed to catch me way too many times. He’d punch, kick, scream, whatever he wanted. He’d leave my room afterwards like he hadn’t just beaten the shit out of his own child. I’d lie on my bedroom floor, feeling only pain; both emotional and physical. Those were the most desperate moments of my life. To make matters worse, instead of the one month he was supposed to spend at home, it had been extended to over three months. Fucking fantastic.

Annie and I had formed a friendship of sorts, and she had even begun to invite me places with her and Bert and Reiner. I always declined, claiming I was busy. Drowning in homework was a common excuse I used to avoid doing anything with them; which wasn’t a lie. I was indeed drowning in homework; I just wasn’t trying to find the life save that would keep me afloat. I liked Annie and all, but I just didn’t have it in me to engage in their social activities. She never questioned me when I declined, which was nice. She always made sure to invite me even though I hadn’t said yes a single time, so there was something to be said for that, I supposed. 

Mikasa and I never worked together, since we were both newbies at the town 7-Eleven. She often had the shift right before mine; she would leave as I arrived for the evening. She preferred working in the afternoon, anyways. She didn’t have dad’s rage to worry about, since it was always directed at me. Apparently, when I wasn’t there, he’d still scream like I was there. That or he’d lash out against mom, but not physically like he’d done to me. I would always be the primary recipient of dad’s wrath.

Returning to the topic of Levi, (because I can’t deny that he’s a big factor of my life, considering I spend more time with him than even with Mikasa) our relationship really hadn’t made any significant progress. Our small-talk always ended at small-talk; it never made it past the trivial subjects of life. I was unable to allow myself to get a glimpse into my personal life until one night two months after school had started, when fate chose to show Levi what I dealt with in an unfortunate way.

-x-

It was Friday night, so my shift started at ten ‘o clock and lasted all the way up to five in the morning. I had been in school for two months and had successfully fallen into getting straight D’s just like the previous year. I generally felt shitty about myself 24/7 and not only were my arms mutilated, but my thighs had earned quite a few cuts and burns and even scratches as well. I still blamed myself every single day for the fucking car accident that snatched Armin away from me.

On the bright side (if anything in my life could even be considered one), the climate had become cold enough due to autumn for me to stop sticking out with my choice of attire; jeans and hoodies had become the standard wear to accommodate the cooler weather. At the very least, I blended into the background more than I did before. 

Anyways, dad hadn’t been home at all during the day. He still wasn’t home when I left the house at nine-forty to get to work. It had been peculiar, really; he always came home before ten ‘o clock at night, even on Fridays. I tried not to think much of it, though; he was probably sitting on a bar stool somewhere drunk off his ass. Good for him; it meant I didn’t have to deal with his bullshit before work for the night. 

My shift started out normally; Levi and I arrived at the same time and both punched in together. He kept his black leather jacket on and wore the almost-black grey jeans. I had on a red hoodie over a yellow t-shirt and light jeans. We said our typical greeting and customers came and went. Around midnight, we started attending to cleaning and restocking. Around one, we both returned to the counter; there hadn’t been much to do as far as cleaning/restocking that night. He took a break to smoke and came back after about five minutes. There was still almost four hours left in our shift. 

There were no customers in the store at that point, so it was just us. We’d been standing around behind the counter doing nothing when the front door opened. I turned to greet the customer and was met with a horrid surprise. My jaw dropped open and my eyes widened in fear as the man stumbled over to me. 

Dad had found me at work.

He was drunker than hell. 

I was one hundred percent fucked.

Levi looked on with concern as dad approached me. 

“Eren Yeager!” He slurred. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Working, dad.” I replied. What a futile battle this would be. 

Everything happened at once. Suddenly, dad was screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how I should have been home, and how he’d gotten calls from the school about my grades and how he’d tracked me down at work since I was never home lately for him to punish me properly. He used the usual insults; you worthless piece of shit, you’re horrid trash, I fucking hate you. All the phrases that I’d heard from him so many times already. As he was screaming at me, he had grabbed me by the shirt and had me lifted off the ground. He slammed me down against the counter; various products went crashing to the floor after coming into contact with my body full-force. He was drunker than I’d really ever seen him; I didn’t think he could even see straight at that point. I had to be correct to some degree; his first couple of punches thrown against me didn’t connect, instead swiping the air harmlessly. 

But after a second, he got the position right; he punched me repeatedly and rapidly wherever he could. My chest, my stomach, my jaw, whatever. Agony ripped through me with each fresh blow. Levi had been paralyzed with shock up to this point, but after a moment he had successfully gathered his bearings. Dad had let go of me, allowing me to fall down to the floor so that he could get his share of kicks in. He’d only landed a couple before I suddenly stopped feeling crushing blows against me. 

Levi had shoved dad away from me so that he couldn’t hurt me physically anymore. I could tell he was furious by the way his jaw was set and by the way his whole body was tensed.

“Fucking stop it!” He screamed, shoving dad a second time; he had tried coming near me again.

“Get the fuck away from me, kid, lemme punish my garbage son.” It was hard to make out his words clearly; they were jumbled by the alcohol tainting his system.

“No, you fucking get the fuck away from him before I call the goddamn cops on you!” 

“You wouldn’t dare, you little faggot.”

“Yeah, I fucking would, if you don’t fucking stop beating the living piss out of Eren.” Venom dripped from Levi’s every word. I couldn’t do anything; I lay in a crumpled heap on the ground with eyes only half-open. Reality seemed so far away; was I dreaming again? No, no. This was too real. It just didn’t feel like it was actually happening. But in the end, it was.

Dad took one more drunken step towards me and this time, Levi punched him. His fist connected to dad’s side and he turned sloppily towards Levi, looking like he would lash out against him. 

“Get the fuck out of this store right now!” Levi’s voice rang throughout the almost empty store. 

Dad hesitated, unsure of what to do. His mind was hazy from the copious amounts of alcohol consumed, and he just generally seemed pretty confused by then. I don’t know if he even remembered that night when he woke up the next morning. His fight had left him; he’d spent his share of energy on me. He stumbled out of the store after Levi repeatedly threatened to get the cops involved.

Luckily, nobody else had come in while dad was there.

Reality set in over what Levi had just been witness to. My whole body ached from where dad had attacked me. Everything about the situation was horrifying. Dad’s abuse was terrible enough as it was, but now Levi knew what was going on, and there was no denying what had just gone down. 

I quickly became a sobbing mess on the floor. I curled up into the fetal position and let the sobs wrack my entire body. Everything was too much; life itself was too much to handle. This wasn’t living; this was absolute hell. I hated myself, I hated my dad, I hated the situation. 

I felt a strong set of arms around me, and I thought Levi was picking me up off the ground to get me to stand back up. But he didn’t. He sat down on the floor right beside me and pulled me onto his lap. He let me sob against his shoulder as he held me, trying to comfort me. I was so used to handling everything all alone that it was completely foreign to me to be comforted. I didn’t even know Levi that well, but I didn’t need to. As he held me, I realized that the concern he had expressed on plenty of occasions might not have been as false as I’d thought it’d been. 

My entire body shook and I clung to Levi for dear life as I cried. And cried. And cried. I sat there on the floor with Levi, sobbing for what had to have been an eternity. He didn’t pull away from me; he let me take all the time I needed. He kept his arms wrapped protectively around me. I had broken down behind the counter of 7-Eleven, and for the first time, I wasn’t left to cry alone. 

Eventually, the front door opened and a customer walked inside. Levi gently pried me away from him far enough to speak to me. 

“I need to help this customer, alright?” His voice was soothing; quiet and gentle. A voice I had never imagined a person like Levi would possess. 

I nodded and he gently set me down on the floor before picking himself up off the ground. As he took his place in front of his register, I drew my knees up to my chest and hung my head. Why did dad have to come find me at work? Home was one thing. But work was supposed to be a place that I could escape from my shitty home life. Dad had stripped me of yet another sanctuary; he had already destroyed the safety of my own room. But now he’d taken away the one comfort I’d had, and that was a shattering blow.

Most of all, I just wanted to hurt myself. Escape from the reality of what just happened. Escape from reality itself for a little while. But unlike when I was at home, I couldn’t just roll up my sleeve and get to work. And it sucked. My tears were still flowing, much to my dismay. I didn’t want to cry forever. I was still crying when Levi knelt down in front of me. 

“Eren, are you okay?”

I shook my head. No use denying it now. He’d seen everything. 

He placed his hand on mine so softly that I had barely felt his hand come into contact with my own. 

“It’s going to be okay.” He whispered. I nodded, watching him through tear-blurred vision. 

He handled the rest of the customers during our shift; he let me sit on the floor behind the counter until I was one hundred percent ready to stand back up. I finally stood up around four a.m.; only one hour until I could go home.

I didn’t want to go home. 

It was as if Levi could read my thoughts, because right after I thought that, he spoke.

“What are you planning on doing tonight?”

“What?”

“You aren’t actually planning on going back to your house, are you?”

“It’s not like I have anywhere else to go.”

“Stay with me, then.”

“No. I don’t know you that well.”

“You know me well enough. We’ve spent a fair majority of our nights together for damn near three months now. I can’t just let you go back home when I know that monster is most likely there waiting for you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Bullshit. Nobody is just fine when they have to deal with that shit.”

“Levi, stop. I’m okay.” My voice cracked, making the lie even more pathetic than it would have been. 

“Please. Just don’t go home tonight. You can go home first thing when you wake up in the morning.” 

I didn’t want to say yes, but at the same time, I did. 

“…Fine.” Levi sighed in what could only be relief when I gave in and accepted his offer. I texted my mom even though I knew she was sound asleep; I didn’t want her to freak out too badly when she found out that I never came home after my shift that night.

The rest of our shift passed and we both clocked out for the night (well, morning, but whatever). I got in my car and waited for Levi to mount his bike and pull out from his parking spot so that I could follow him to wherever it was that he lived. It was about a seven minutes’ drive to his place, which turned out to be an apartment right in town. I pulled into the parking spot right beside his motorcycle. He stood beside his bike, waiting for me to exit my car so that we could go up to his apartment together. We crossed the parking lot and entered the main building in silence. 

Sleep tugged at me greedily, trying to pull me under. I was ridiculously tired; emotional exhaustion probably played a part in that. After the amount of tears that I’d shed, I was hardly surprised that I was going to pass out at any moment. His space was on the second floor, so we only had to travel up one flight of stairs. He unlocked the door and we stepped inside. It was small; just a one bedroom with a tiny kitchen and medium-sized living room. 

“You can sleep in my bed if you want; I can sleep on the couch.”

“No, I’ll sleep on the couch. I’m the guest, after all.”

“Suit yourself. I’ll go grab you a blanket and pillow.” 

Once Levi was gone, I made my way over to the old looking black leather couch that was to be my place of rest for the night. My eyes were already fluttering shut when Levi returned with a plain white pillow and patchwork quilt; one of those quilts your grandmother makes each grandchild. I opened my eyes as Levi handed me the items. I placed the pillow behind my head and pulled the quilt over me. 

“Goodnight.” Levi said before turning away and making his way to his room.

“Night.” I replied sleepily. I fell asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. 

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

Somewhere along the line, I had developed affection towards my new coworker. He had been the one coworker who didn’t hate me right off the bat or pass me off as a complete asshole by the end of his first night. There was something about him that was unlike anything I had seen in anybody else before. He intrigued me, and I had a desire to become close to the boy who worked the nightshift with me.

He didn’t want to get to know me as much as I wanted to get to know him, but that was okay. Because even the small-talk between us during shifts was enough to make my night. 

I had known ever since I laid eyes on Eren Yeager that he was troubled. I saw a broken human who reminded me of myself when I looked into his perpetually tired eyes. Most people wouldn’t catch the signs; all he had to do to convince other people that he was alright was to tack a smile on his face. I’d done the same before, myself. But to me, the evidence was painfully obvious. 

I had never once seen him wear short sleeves, no matter how stifling it had been outside. That right there raised a red flag, to me; there was no reason for him to be covered up so thoroughly in the hot and humid summer weather. But it wasn’t just the fact that he wore long sleeves. It was the way he self-consciously crossed his arms, as if paranoid people could see right through the fabric on his sleeves. It was the way that he scratched at his arms absentmindedly. It was the way he always made damn sure his sleeves were covering his arms. 

I had watched blood seep through the fabric of Eren’s jeans when he was restocking at work one night. Eren hadn’t caught me staring, but I’d seen it. A dark patch appeared on his jeans that hadn’t been there moments before. I had seen Eren crying in front of a gravestone, outwardly expressing that he blamed himself for whatever had happened to his lover. I had seen Eren freak out and flee from BWW when we were all there. It was painful how much he reminded me of myself. I wanted to help him, but I had no clue how to go about it. I’m not great at reaching out to people; I was never blessed with social grace, even as a child.

Despite my inability to communicate effectively, I’ve still extended a hand of comfort towards the boy battling nightmares on my couch. I’ve told him that I would be there for him if he needed me to be, even though I knew he would discard the offering immediately. He was in a dark place and I knew it would take something significant to break the impenetrable wall he had built around himself. Despite that knowledge, I hadn’t anticipated the sheer brutality that Eren’s dad harnessed towards him. Eren may not know it, but he’s incredibly brave; not a lot of people would be able to handle that type of abuse, and I knew Eren had gone through it far more often than any human deserved. But up until now, I could only be an innocent bystander, watching Eren flinch away from the simplest of actions for fear of being hit. Tonight had changed that. Tonight, it had been my job to protect the broken human being curled in the fetal position on the floor.

And so protect him I had. 

Eren’s body was surprisingly light in my arms when I held him; he was frail and I assumed it was because he refused to take care of himself. Oh, Eren, I know the feeling, trust me. My heart broke in two as Eren sobbed on my shoulder; I had never seen what he was like before he had spiraled down into a darker way of life, but I could just tell that he had once been an amazing and strong human being. Maybe one day, that human would resurface from the broken mess that lay in my arms. I would be here for this boy no matter what; I silently promised that to myself and to him. 

I had been woken up in the middle of the night (well, it was probably about seven a.m., but it’s all relative when your schedule involves working a nightshift) by an ear-rupturing scream emanating from my living room. I rushed out of bed to find Eren shaking violently; the screams had come from his desperately parted lips. I sprinted over to him and shook him by the shoulders until he quieted down. He didn’t wake up, really, but I knew that I’d shaken him from the nightmare he’d been having. Light filtered in through the window since it was already mid-morning, and it shone right onto his sleeping face. I noticed that his brow glistened with sweat; I touched my hand to his forehead to find that it was ridiculously hot. 

I gently unwrapped the quilt from around him; he’d had it curled tightly around him, cocooning him in its warmth. I unzipped the red sweatshirt that he’d been wearing and slowly pried it from his body, careful not to wake him up. As I pulled his arm away from one of the sleeves, I couldn’t stop myself from gasping at the sight. I’d known that Eren had been somebody who hurt themselves, but I still hadn’t prepared myself by the cruel network of overlapping slashes, for the patches of skin that had been scratched completely raw, or for the large, oval marks where he had melted his own flesh. 

His arm was covered from his wrist all the way past his elbow; it stopped half-way from his elbow to his shoulder. There was no flesh left unmarred, and after grabbing his other arm, I noticed that they were both equally mutilated. I couldn’t stop myself from gently running my fingers along the scars that ranged from white to bright red. I took my time, memorizing the way each imperfection felt underneath my fingertips.

I wasn’t the type of person to cry, but I wanted to start bawling like a small child at the patchwork of wounds that I couldn’t take my eyes off of. Eren shifted a bit in his sleep and a small frown formed on his mouth; I thought for sure he was going to wake up. But he didn’t. And so I sat there beside him for a moment longer, running my fingers along the grotesque marks that Eren had put onto his own body. Eren had fallen in love with the same greedy demon that I had.

I gently placed Eren’s arms back into the position that they’d been before going back into my room to sleep for a few more hours, before the both of us would wake up and deal with whatever morning had in store for us.

-x-

[Eren’s POV]

I woke up around one in the afternoon. It took me a minute to remember the events of the previous night, so I was thoroughly confused by my unfamiliar surroundings. It all came back in one sudden rush, and it all made sense. I sat up and when the blanket fell from my chest, I was horrified to find that my arms were bare. I no longer had on the red sweatshirt that I’d been wearing the previous night. 

I hadn’t taken it off myself; I knew that for a fact.

Which meant only one thing.

Levi had taken off my sweatshirt and undoubtedly seen everything there was to see.

Right on cue, Levi appeared. He wore plaid pajama pants and a pale red long-sleeved pajama shirt. His hair was messy from sleep. He had a cigarette held lazily between two of his fingers and was casually taking puffs from it when he walked in. 

“Oh, good, you’re awake.” He said nonchalantly, exhaling a mouthful of smoke. 

I had planned on staying calm while confronting him about my lack of sweatshirt, but that failed as soon as the first words were out of my mouth.

“Who the fuck gave you the right!” I shouted as I pulled the quilt back up over my arms.

Levi’s face fell noticeably; he knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Look, Eren, you woke me up in the middle of the night with your screaming. When I got out here, I noticed that you were drenched with sweat, so I took off your sweatshirt to cool you down.”

“That’s no fucking excuse! How dare you!” My eyes burned brightly with the flame of intense anger. I was fucking furious; my scars were meant to be seen by nobody other than myself.

“I’ve always known, anyways.”

“Well, fucking good for you! What, do you get some sick enjoyment out of this?”

“I understand what you’re going through, Eren.”

“Like hell you do! Somebody with their life on the right track couldn’t possible understand this hell. You don’t understand what it’s like to have to take a razor blade to my skin every single fucking time that I get even slightly upset. You’ll never understand what it’s like to blame yourself for the death of your own lover each and every day. You’ll never understand what it’s like to feel completely worthless every moment of your life. You don’t know what it’s like to have to be in pain just to fall asleep at night. You don’t know what it’s like to be completely alone without a single friend. You don-”I was cut off by Levi.

“Eren, stop. You don’t kno-“

“No, you don’t know! You don’t know how fucking awful this fucked-up reality that I live in is.”

“Are you really sure about that?”

“Yeah, I am!”

Levi shut his eyes for a long moment and sighed deeply before closing the distance to where I was sitting on the couch. He made eye contact with me and stared right into my eyes as he slowly and deliberately lifted up the sleeves of his shirt. When he was done, he motioned with his hands for me to take a look at the skin that was now presented to me. He held his arms right out in front of me, allowing me to get a complete look at the impossibly neat and orderly arrangement of thin white lines completely covering both of his arms. 

…Oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the only way I could think to get them to open up with each other, because I felt like neither of them would do it properly until something major happened.


	8. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi promises to be there for Eren. Fluffy scene at the end of the chapter because it was super necessary.

I was dumbfounded and left speechless as Levi continued shamelessly holding out his arms for me to gaze at them for as long as I needed to. I could tell by the prominence of his scars that each cut he had made had been deep and precise; they were not the rough, disordered hack marks that adorned my own arm. Grief swirled within me the longer I stared at his self-mutilated arms. 

When I finally tore my eyes away from his haunting white collection of scars, he took it as an indicator that I had seen what I’d needed to. He relaxed his arms and let them fall heavily to his sides. He took a seat right beside me on the black couch. I wanted to cry; I had never expected to see scars on Levi’s arms. To me, he’d been one of those people who weren’t unsure of a single goddamn thing in their life. I’d been envious of him. The only positive aspect of the moment was that every scar was faded to white; there were no new fresh or even semi-recent marks covering him. His days of self-mutilation had passed while mine continued to rage on. I said nothing as I choked back a fresh bout of tears

His concern for me had been genuine because he actually understood what it was to hurt yourself. 

“I knew as soon as I met you that you’re in a dark place because I could see myself reflected in your eyes. I know exactly what you’re going through.”

I really couldn’t deny it anymore. The evidence was there, right in front of me.

“Tell me.” I whispered; I hadn’t meant to even say it out loud. 

“Tell you what?” Levi inquired.

“Your past. I want to know it. I want to have an idea of who you are.” I looked him in the eye; he sighed and took a deep breath as he begun to tell his tale.

“I was a troublesome teenager, I guess. My parents didn’t give a single shit about me or what I did; they were both rich assholes who were never home. I had an impressive sum of money available to me at all times to do with what I pleased; it was my parent’s way of showing me love. I could have bought whatever I wanted. Since I was an idiot who wanted to rebel against the parents who didn’t give me the time of day, I bought what any rebellious rich teenager would; drugs. Cocaine, heroin, prescription drugs, you name it. If it was considered a drug, chances are it had been in me at least once. It quickly became an issue. Couldn’t function without them. I’ll admit that I’ve always had an addictive personality and I always needed more; I never had enough to satisfy me. With my parent’s funds, I could always afford whatever my heart desired.

Anyways, somehow I managed to meet a girl. A sweet, petite girl with auburn hair. There wasn’t a single aspect of her that wasn’t absolutely perfect. She very quickly became my everything; she pulled me away from my drug addiction and we fell in love. I had never loved anything in this world the way I had loved her. She was patient with me and she never gave up no matter how much of a monster I became when I wanted to get high again. Petra was the reason for my existence, at that point. I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything in life the way I cared about her.

She left for a month to stay with some of her family one summer. She rarely got the chance to even text me while she was there, so I was basically left to my own devices. I went to a party one night and was offered heroin and I just couldn’t say no. I never could say no to shit like that. I should’ve just stayed away from the party; of course it would have an abundance of drugs. They always did. 

Anyways, long story short, Petra came home and decided to surprise me with a visit to my place. Since my parents were always gone, I had the whole goddamn mansion to myself. I was seventeen at that point, if you were wondering. I didn’t answer the door, so she just let herself in; I never locked the door. She found me passed out cold on the couch with a needle still stuck in my arm. Needless to say, she freaked out. I refused to hear her out and while we remained together, our relationship was strained. 

One night, I told her to fuck off and get the fuck out of my life if she was going to constantly get on my ass about stopping drugs again. Like I said, I had major problems with it. I really laid into her and she ran out of my house sobbing, and I never went after her. She would forgive me and we’d work it out; we always did. But we never got the chance to make up after that fight.”

Levi’s tone shifted after that; it had been steady and confident but it fell into a tone of resigned sadness. He continued on with his short summary of his troubled life.

“Since her family didn’t really know we were together, nobody called me after the accident. I found out by chance on the ten ‘o clock news; I’d been in the kitchen grabbing something to eat when I heard a reporter saying Petra’s name. She’d been hit by a semi while driving home from my house. I felt like it was my fault; if I hadn’t fought with her she wouldn’t have left so soon and that fucking semi wouldn’t have hit her. The semi had ignored a red light and hit her from the side as she was going straight. Apparently, they had been barely able to identify her; that’s how horrific the accident was. It shattered me. The one thing I had loved in the world had been taken away from me and it was all my goddamn fault.”

I would never have guessed that the parallels between our situations could be so painstakingly obvious. Here we were, two people barely past the stage of being strangers, having been in ridiculously similar situations. It was unreal; there was no way my mysterious coworker was admitting to all of this right now. I had to have been still dreaming; maybe I’d gone home after the incident at work and had never been to Levi’s place at all. Everything was happening way too fast; when I went to work last night, Levi and I had been coworkers who knew nothing significant about each other. And now not only had Levi seen everything I’d hidden from everyone in the world for over a year, but I had seen what Levi kept nonchalantly hidden underneath black long-sleeves shirts and sweatshirts that fit his outward appearance too perfectly to question why he never just wore a t-shirt. Looking back on it, I should have guessed there was something more to his over-dressed appearance than met the eyes. But his demeanor hid it too well; there was no reason to suspect anything to be hidden underneath the fabric.

“After that, I became obsessed with the idea of control. I quit using drugs; I wasn’t in control of myself when I was high. I also wanted to honor Petra’s memory in some way, and that was how I chose to go about it. I haven’t touched a hard drug since before Petra died. Obviously, I still smoke and I do drink quite a bit, but those are harmless compared to all of the shit I used to do. Those are minor things; they don’t put my life at risk each time I use them. Anyways, yeah, I needed to be in control. So I decided I needed to control the pain I felt, too. 

I soon grew obsessed with carving perfect lines into my arm. I made damn sure my hand was steady and precise when I drug the razor blade across my flesh. I won’t go into detail about how addictive hurting myself was, because you already know how it works far too well. But I blamed myself each and every day for Petra’s death. 

Eventually, I managed to learn that I couldn’t continue blaming myself. I met Hanji and Mike along the way, and they really helped a lot. I also stopped associating with my parents; I’m just better off without them and their money. They were never there when I needed them most, and they never even pretended to care, so I’m just better off without them in my life at all. But anyways, I’ve learned that there was no helping what had happened to Petra; fate had played its hand and there’s no use convincing myself that I could have changed the outcome had I done things differently that day. We can’t change the past. We can’t change the outcomes of the decisions we made. 

What I just said is just a crude summary of what was my downfall in life, but I’m sure you at least get the general idea. Maybe one day I’ll go into more detail on certain events. It depends, really.” 

He turned to me and I could see the sadness lingering in his eyes. It felt like he had skipped over whatever event had been his turning point, but I wasn’t about to try and pry into that. What he had already told me was plenty.

His story broke my heart; he had gone through a personal hell just like me. He wasn’t lying when he said he understood me. Even so, I still couldn’t understand why he was wasting his time with me. He had broken free of the chains that bound him to darkness; he had learned to fly and my wings refused to develop. All I would ever be able to do was drag him down. 

I didn’t know what to say to him. “I…I’m…sorry.” I stuttered, struggling to find words that could convey how emotional hearing about his troubles had made me. I didn’t meet his gaze; I instead focused on the shiny silver stud that went through his eyebrow. 

“No, don’t be. It’s all in the past. I’m sorry for throwing all of that at you just now; you have enough troubles as it is.” He sounded like he legitimately regretted sharing his story with me, and that made me sad. He was so much of a better person than I was; his story deserved to be heard much more than mine did. 

I felt the urge to share my own story in return; I owed it to him since he had opened up to me on a whim. There was no longer reason for me to avoid telling him about my personal life, anyways, considering I was sitting on his couch with my scars and wounds in plain view. My mind screamed at me to just flee, to avoid talking about the problems I had never spoken out loud a single time. But in my heart, I knew I wanted nothing more than to bring the darkness in my soul to light. And that opportunity now sat right beside me with two arms covered in deep white lines. I took a shaky breath before beginning. 

I made it through talking about Armin without crying, much to my surprise. It wasn’t until I breeched the topic of my own father that I started coming apart. 

“…And the thing about it is, is that all he does is remind me that I’m a fucking useless person. He reminds me that Armin dying was my entire fault because I was the one behind the wheel, I was the one driving drunk…It’s not even the physical abuse that gets to me. It’s being told that I’m worthless when I already know that. I already punish myself for it and I…I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t fight. I thought that work would help distract me and in a way it has but I still have to go home at the end of the day and still have to face dad and then suddenly everything is unbearable again.” My voice cracked and I had to fight back the sobs that threatened to escape me at any time. 

“My life was shitty enough without him in it. I hated everything as it was and now he’s back and school is here and oh god I just can’t handle literally anything anymore everything is just this black hole of despair and I can’t escape and oh god I’m just so fucking alone and I have been for so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to actually feel comfortable around another human being and there’s nobody to help me there’s absolutely nobody who cares or who even gives a single fuck about me because I’m a god awful fuckup and I just can’t do this anymore, Levi, I just can’t. Nothing’s worth it, life’s not worth it, oh god I’ve been so alone for so long, I have nothing left to fight for…” I rambled on and on; the tears had started falling. Again. I was really fucking sick of crying over everything. 

I hadn’t realized that I’d been vigorously scratching at my own arms as I spoke until Levi gently pried my hands away from them, revealing flesh that had just been scratched raw. My tears flowed even more swiftly when I discovered that I’d been hurting myself without even thinking about it. As if causing my own destruction was now my natural instinct. To me, few things could be as desperate, as horrific as mutilating yourself on instinct; not even through conscious thought. I was shaking uncontrollably. I had never told a single human being about how I felt about life, about how much I blamed myself for Armin’s death, about how little hope I had left in life. I had never once uttered a word along those lines, and it had all spilled out of my mouth at once.

Levi’s calm yet sorrowful eyes met my desperate, anguish-ridden ones; he said nothing as he softly pulled me to him. I didn’t fight; I let myself collapse right onto him. It was similar to last night; he held me in his strong arms as I sobbed. I buried my head into his chest and let my tears soak through his pale red shirt. After more than one full year of keeping all of my emotional pain to myself, I had released a fair majority of it in the span of a few minutes. I couldn’t form coherent thought; even if I could have, I doubt I would have known exactly what I felt at that time. Agony, gut-wrenching sadness, and self-loathing probably would have been prominent. But I believe that relief would have been mixed in as well.

When the shaking of my body and the flow of my tears settled down a bit, Levi murmured to me, “I’ll fight for you.”

I pulled my head away from his chest and lifted gazed up at him.

“Why do you want to fight for me so badly? Why even bother with a fuck-up like me?”

“Because I believe you’re worth fighting for.” As usual, Levi’s words were simple yet powerful.

I didn’t respond. I had nothing to say. What was I supposed to respond to something like that?

Levi resumed speaking when it was obvious I had zero intention of saying anything.

“Listen, Eren, I’m not going to ask you to trust me all at once, or to even really like me as a person. But I’d like you to give me a shot and talk to me when you feel like this, because I can tell you meant every word you just said. You may have been alone for more than a year, but you don’t have to be anymore.”  
“Do you actually mean that? Why should I believe you?” He’d already made it obvious that he really did care, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t actually give a fuck. I wanted to believe he would make everything okay, but my mind was struggling against me. 

“I don’t say anything I don’t actually mean. I know putting trust into people is hard; I don’t expect you’ll actually put your trust into me for a while yet. Assuming you’ll even let me be a factor in your life, that is. I don’t think you’ll heal yet, either. Even if you try and turn your life around right now, this road will not be easy. Relapses happen and they fucking suck. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. You know as well as I do how consuming of a mentality it is. I’m fully aware that you won’t come right to me every time you have a bad day, every time you want to hurt yourself. But if you let me, I’ll be here for you no matter what. I can’t guarantee I can fix you, can’t guarantee that I can pick you up and repair each broken piece of you. But sometimes, we can find solace in the knowledge that there is somebody willing to extend a hand of comfort to us in our time of need, even if we don’t take hold of that hand. So let me be here for you.”

It wasn’t a direct answer to my question. But it had been more than enough. I was finally beginning to believe that he genuinely wanted to help me. I disentangled myself from his arms so that I could sit up beside him and when I caught sight of my own arms, my agony returned. Without thinking, I muttered, “Fucking hideous.” 

Levi looked at me with pity. I had seen my own marred arms countless times, had run my fingers over the ridges that formed wherever the skin had split over and over again. But now it was real. It was just like how Armin’s death didn’t become a reality until I visited him at his grave. Those wounds were suddenly real, and the reality that I would be living with those scars for a very long time smacked me in the face. It wasn’t enough to push me to want to stop, really, but it was enough to affect me greatly as I stared at them. After I was done analyzing my arms, I wearily put my head in my hands. I was defeated. Broken. This was the pathetic truth of what I had become. 

I felt Levi’s hand on my shoulder as I sat there wallowing in self-pity. I calmed down after a while and glanced up at the clock to see that it was almost three ‘o clock in the afternoon. It was probably in my best interest to head home soon. I felt calm; my breakdown had passed and I could think clearly again. 

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“…Thank you. For everything. For last night, and for today.”

“You’re welcome.” 

“I should probably go home soon.”

“Is that really a good idea?”

“No, but I have to do face home at some point.”

“I know. I just wish you didn’t have to go home to that bullshit. Nobody deserves that.”

“I’ll be fine. I always am.”

He didn’t question the statement despite how blatant of a lie it had been. Of course I wasn’t fine; people who were fine didn’t have sob-ridden breakdowns in other people’s living rooms. We both got up from the couch and Levi handed me my sweatshirt, which he had neatly folded up and placed on the coffee table. I pulled it over myself and basked in the comfort of feeling covered again, no longer exposed to the world. Levi grabbed a notebook that had also been lying on the coffee table and tore a small piece of paper out of it. He scrawled something down quickly and folded it up before handing it to me. I stuck it in my pocket without looking at it; I got the feeling I already knew what it was.

“Just remember that I’m always here if you need someone to talk to, or just a shoulder to cry on. I really do hope that you’ll let me be your anchor, because I want to help you stand.”

-x-

I stepped out of Levi’s apartment and took the note out of my pocket while I made my way back outside and into my car. I unraveled the neatly folded square; I discovered that Levi had impossibly elegant handwriting. There were two components to the piece of paper; the top of the note said “Call me if you need anything” and below it was his phone number. The amount of effort he was already putting into being there for me was overwhelming. 

When I got back home, I discovered that dad was passed out on the couch. A pleasant surprise, really. He’d probably stumbled home early in the morning (With the state he had been in when he stomped into my workplace, I was curious to know how he’d made it home at all) and been knocked out since. Mom was in the kitchen and asked me what I’d been doing all night. For lack of any decent explanation, I just said I’d stayed at a friend’s house for the night. She was elated to hear it and said I should spend time with friends like that more often. I had a feeling she wanted me away from dad wherever possible; when I thought about it, she was placed in quite the tough position with dad. I told her I would try to do more with my friends and she seemed content with that. 

Mikasa and I had taken to texting each other when dad was home; how we hadn’t thought of that before was beyond us. Although, it was just recently that we’d begun to make any sort of effort as human beings, so I guess it was believable. A few minutes after I’d gotten into my room, my phone buzzed. It was Mikasa.

It said, _did u just get home? i thought i heard u come in_

I replied with a _yeah_ and my phone buzzed again. She asked where I had been, and I told her the truth; that dad had lost his shit and barged in at work and that Levi had intervened and let me stay at his house. She reported that dad had found his way home around three ‘o clock this morning and had passed out right on the kitchen floor; mom had to drag him over to the couch. She wasn’t strong enough to get him all the way to the bedroom by herself. So in the end, I wouldn’t have had to deal with dad when I got home from work, anyways. 

Levi didn’t even need to see my scars and I didn’t have to go through the agony of a talk about my shitty feelings. 

But had I not spent the night, I wouldn’t have any insight into Levi’s life. 

And more importantly, I wouldn’t have somebody to hear me out. Not that I really intended to call Levi whenever I was feeling down, because I wouldn’t. But having his phone number close at hand couldn’t hurt. Speaking of that phone number, I still needed to plug it into my phone. I took the note out of my pocket for the second time and entered it into my phone’s contact list. I figured I better make sure the number was correct; I didn’t think he would give me a false number or anything but he could have jotted it down wrong or whatever. I sent him a text saying that it was Eren, just making sure that the number was right. Five or six minutes passed before I received a response; my guess was he’d been smoking.

We texted back and forth for a bit and he asked me what dad’s status was and I reported that he was still out stone cold on the couch. I learned that something as simple as texting a friend was enough to make the day a little bit brighter.

-x-

The next time the urge to cause myself pain struck was the first time that I actually hesitated. The edge of the gleaming silver blade in my hand sat delicately on the surface of my skin, ready to tear it apart. I was about to make the usual sweeping motion with my hand when the thought of Levi flashed in my mind. I grimaced when I thought about the way he tended to look at me with concern. I thought about the way he took me into his arms to comfort me without hesitation.

But those thoughts were clouded over when the next image to enter my head was Armin’s bleeding corpse in the passenger’s side of my car. My hesitation fled and blood dripped from my thigh as I sat there, reveling in the sudden numbness I felt. Emotional numbness and physical pain was far easier to deal with, really.

Even so, Levi entered my thoughts more than once that night. I briefly considered picking up the phone and at least texting him, but I decided against it. I was still reluctant to approach him with my problems, despite his constant reassurance that he didn’t mind. He preferred that I had an emotional outlet; an alternative to hurting myself if I was willing to take it. 

The next night, a Thursday late in October, I got home from work around two ‘o clock at night. Dad had been waiting up for me and quietly gave slurred his daily reminders of how much he hated me before shoving me onto the living room floor and kicking me several times before leaving me to my own devices. Levi had still been at work when I left; once I was gone he watched the store alone until the end of his shift, when the next employees came in. When I dragged myself up off the floor, I grabbed my phone from my pocket. I texted him asking if he were busy at work, to which he replied “No. Why, what’s the matter?” 

I told him that dad had beaten me again and the next text I received from him asked if he could call me instead of just texting back and forth. I didn’t reply until I was safely locked away in my bedroom, and I said yes. I spoke to him in a hushed tone so that I wouldn’t wake anyone else in the house up. I had to get up for school in the morning, so I should have gone to bed as soon as I got home. But considering I didn’t even make an honest effort in school, I deemed worrying about the time that I went to bed to be trivial. Levi and I talked about nothing in particular; he was simply distracting me from my own mind. He had to pause the conversation a couple times to help a customer, but other than that we talked nonstop until I could barely keep my eyes open. When we hung up on each other, I was too tired to do anything but crawl into bed; I fell asleep damn near immediately.

Levi had succeeded. He had kept me from cutting, even if only for a single time.

-x-

The first time that Levi invited me to his house (not counting the night I spent after the work incident) wasn’t meant to be exciting or even fun; I had mentioned in an offhand comment that my teachers were all on my ass these days. I had slipped from my straight D average; it was tarnished by a couple of F’s that had somehow come into play. I’d ended up confessing to Levi that my grades were horrid and he offered to help me get at least enough homework done to pass my classes, since even that had become a task. I hadn’t wanted to say yes, but he gave me a rather stern look that told me it was best to just accept his offer. I think now would be a good time to mention that while Levi is fucking godly when it comes to comforting people, he’s still a sarcastic prick a good majority of the time.

It was impractical to have a study session immediately after work, considering our typical hours. So we agreed that the next day (a Friday where neither of us had to work, which was certainly a rarity), I would go to his house with all of the textbooks that I hadn’t opened once since the school year started in tow. Turns out that a couple months’ worth of neglected schoolwork makes a backpack unbearably heavy. I told Levi I’d drive myself over, but for whatever reason, he insisted upon picking me up himself. I couldn’t think of a decent reason to say no, so I just said alright. I decided to have him pick me up a block away from my house; less questions from mom and if dad got home early, well, it was just best to avoid having Levi anywhere near the house. He’d probably try to beat the shit out of Levi for associating with me, or something. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.

At this point, it’s safe to assume that Levi’s only motorized vehicle is his motorcycle. If he has a car, I have yet to see it. Around five ‘o clock on that Friday, I walked over to where I said I’d meet him. I hadn’t bothered to tell mom I was leaving; I was eighteen, after all. She would text me if she were worried about me. She’d been in her own room, anyways, so I didn’t want to disturb her. Levi was already waiting there for me, sitting on it casually; he’d been here for a few minutes already, I’d bet. He tossed me a helmet that matched his own and I clumsily put it over my head (it’d been years since I put on a helmet of any sort). I climbed awkwardly onto the bike, right behind where Levi was perched on it. 

It was my first time riding a motorcycle. I never held much interest in them, but they had always seemed decent enough. Levi turned his head and looked back at me once I finalized my position on the bike. 

“Put your hands around my waist; the last thing we need is for you to fall off or some stupid shit like that.” I did what I was told and clung to his waist for dear life as he sent the car into motion and sped towards his apartment. Levi’s small body was relaxed under my arms and it was apparent that he was plenty comfortable with his bike. We kept up with traffic just fine, so there were no irritated drivers around us. People on the sidewalk had the tendency to stare at us as we went by, and I couldn’t decide if I found it annoying or somehow endearing. Their looks were mainly curiosity; there weren’t many bikers in our small town. 

Soon we found walking through Levi’s apartment door. There was little point in giving me a tour, since it was small and I’d seen everything there was to see other than his bedroom. You could tell all of his furniture was second hand; since he no longer associated with his parents he had to get his furniture himself, which is difficult on a college budget. We sat at his small kitchen table; a simple square-shaped wooden table that only had two chairs placed around it. I heaved my backpack onto the table and opened it so that I could start pulling out all of my bullshit homework. 

“What are the chances of me convincing you to start from the very beginning and go over all of the lessons you’ve managed to ignore in the past few months?”

“Next to none.”

“You realize that’ll make this a lot easier in the end, right?”

“I don’t care. That’s too much work.”

“Fine. Then let’s get started on what you’re currently supposed to be learning about.”

After two and a half hours, I realized that Levi had been right. I was impatient and since progress was way too slow-going, I got fed up with everything pretty easy. Levi did his best to explain things so that they’d make sense, but I’d missed too much.

“No, Eren, that’s not how I just showed you.” We were working on math; pre-college level algebra work. 

“Then how the actual fuck do you do this because it makes no fucking sense.”

“Are you even paying attention to what I say?”

“Uh-huh. But this is bullshit, though.”

“You need to have patience. You’re the one who wanted to skip right to the current shit.”

I groaned. “There’s no fucking point in this. There’s no way I’m going to get my grades up. This isn’t worth the effort.”

“One thing at a time.” Levi thought for a moment. “Hm, maybe you need some sort of incentive to focus and start getting stuff done. Because let’s be honest, you’re barely paying attention to this.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever. What, though?”

“How about… if you’ll shut up and do your best for the next hour, I’ll buy you something to eat? It’s already seven-thirty and neither of us has eaten yet.”

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Who turns down fast food? Especially free fast food, I mean really.”

“I don’t know, I just don’t eat much.”

Realization flashed through Levi’s eyes. He sighed such a tiny sigh that it was almost unperceivable. 

“How many meals do you eat a day?” 

“Two to three.”

“Alright, so what’s the real answer?”

“The answer is that now we’re getting less done than we were before.”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Yours.”

“Nice try, asshole. Alright, I won’t pry into your dietary habits. But it’d be great if you’d at least humor me and join me while I get something to eat, because I’m fucking starving.”

“Oh, fine, fine. Then let’s get this shit over with.”

“Of course. Do you want to just come back to math?”

“That’d be great.”

“English it is.”

“That’s not any better.”

“Alright, Eren, what subject would you prefer to work on?” His tone was mocking, like he were talking to a small, bratty child; we both knew I would dispute every subject I had.

“Okay. English.”

“That’s what I thought.” Levi replied and his smugness wasn’t left unnoticed.

Despite how frustrating my schoolwork was, I couldn’t honestly say I was having a terrible time. At least I had somebody to try and explain things to me even if they still didn’t make sense. While Levi acted like he was impatient with me, I knew he wasn’t actually annoyed by the lack of progress or my reluctance so sit down and be productive. 

English proved to be a lot easier than math. We were currently reading a book (The Scarlet Letter, in which some lady named Hester Prynne is found guilty of adultery and is forced to wear a big red A on her dress), so Levi just had me sit down and read it while he looked over the study guide we’d been given for it. After an hour had passed, he told me I could stop reading. It was a small book but difficult to read; the formatting sucked and sometimes a single paragraph lasted a whole damn page, making it harder to focus on. I hadn’t made it all that far, but it was progress. Levi asked me some of the study guide questions out loud and I was able to give okay answers, so he let me fill up the answer sheet where I could. 

As promised, that last hours’ worth of work brought our little study session to a close. I packed up my books, feeling like nothing had been done. I guess I shouldn’t have expected too much, since I had ignored responsibility for three months. Levi seemed proud of me, though.

“I know this is frustrating for you, but you’re not doing too badly, I guess.” It was reassuring in spirit, at least.

“Yeah.” I replied.

“Well, I’m assuming since you’re a stubborn fuck who refuses to accept my generosity, you don’t give a fuck where we go eat.”

“Thanks, you’re great at compliments.” I couldn’t stop myself from giving Levi a half-smile; it probably wasn’t a pretty smile in the slightest, but it was genuine. And I hadn’t given any sort of genuine smile in quite some time. It was just the way he acted, the way he replied sarcastically to damn near everything. It had put a smile on my face and I hadn’t even known it. His narrow eyes widened ever so slightly at my change in facial expression, and it wasn’t until then that I noticed I’d smiled. My mouth fell back down to its typical frown.

“Don’t act like you didn’t just smile at me.” I could hear the happiness that tainted Levi’s typical drawl of a voice. 

“Let’s go already. Weren’t you starving an hour ago?”

“Yes, and I still am. You keep distracting me, kid.” He led us both out of the apartment and after getting our helmets back on, we were off.

-x-

Burger King was the closest fast food join to Levi’s apartment complex, and so that’s where we went. He tried to persuade me to order something but I denied it. Once Levi had his food (typical burger and fries), we took a seat at one of the backmost tables so that there wouldn’t be anyone near us. Neither of us enjoyed being around other people that much. Ironically enough, that was likely one of the reasons we got along. I couldn’t deny that we did, because after the whole confessionary situation in his apartment, it had been frighteningly easy for us to become friends.

He never pried too far despite knowing exactly what I do to myself and being able to tell by my demeanor alone how rough of a time I’d had on any given day. He didn’t get upset with me if I admitted to him that I had cut recently; he just did his best to comfort me and offer whatever support that he could. And there was something major to be said for that. His existence didn’t always keep me out of harm’s way, especially when it came to my dad, but my life was a tiny bit less bleak because of him. 

I was snapped out of my reverie by a french fry being waved about directly in front of my face.

“Oi, Yeager, I said take a fucking fry.”

“I don’t want a fry, Levi.”

“I’m not letting you go home without eating at least something. Just one fry. You need food to live.”

“I ate breakfast this morning.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“How do you read me so well?” I asked incredulously. 

“Because I used to be the one telling the lies.”

Oh. Well, that took a slightly darker turn than I had anticipated. Sounds about right.

Levi sensed my discomfort at the shifted mood and tried to lighten it back up.

“You know, when you think about it, these fries taste like shit. Not metaphorically, either. Like literal, rancid shit.” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

“I’m serious. They suck. But I was hungry and didn’t feel like going anywhere else.”

“They can’t suck that badly.”

“Yeah, they do. I used to love this shit as a kid. And it’s like, now, their food sucks. I mean, their burgers are decent enough, but their fries need a divine intervention.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No, I’m not.”

I reached over and grabbed a fry from Levi’s tray and popped it into my mouth.

“Jesus christ, they’re not that bad.” I said.

Levi gave me the smuggest grin he could possibly muster, and I realized what he’d done.

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, the fries still aren’t that great though, you have to admit that.” 

I rolled my eyes and he continued eating, way too pleased with himself. 

-x-

I promised him that I’d put some effort into my education; I tried to pay attention in class and once in a while I even bothered bringing my backpack home with me. Woah. 

Once a week, I went to his apartment and he’d do his best to aid me in my studies for a good four to five hours. At the end, we would always go out to eat. After a few sessions, I began ordering food for myself. I always offered to pay for myself but Levi shot me down every time. I began to cherish those nights; even though they were for studying, I somehow got enjoyment out of them. In fact, any time spent with Levi seemed to be a positive experience.

He had to deal with a bunch of aggravated outburst on my part, but he dealt with them just fine every single time. We spent the most time on the classes that I’d been failing; math and science. He called in Hanji when we got to the bulk of my science work, and we all sat on the couch (because Levi legitimately only had two chairs in his house) and powered through anatomy & physiology work. Levi sat around working on his own homework when Hanji was there, since Hanji completely took over, anyways. She was too enthusiastic about it, but she did help me a ton with it; her explanations made as much sense as they possible could with me. 

By mid-November, I was no longer failing any classes. I had even worked a couple of my grades up to a C. Not even a C-, a C. And that was a really huge achievement for me. Levi told me I had to be grateful for the small victories, because without them, I would never be able to reach a big victory. Some days that advice was harder to accept than others, but I did try to keep it in mind. My teachers were on my ass a bit less, since they could tell I was trying now. It’s amazing how much they appreciate effort. Like, woah, what a concept. I still had a hard time finding it in me to give a shit about school, though. It would always be a battle. 

One night at work, Levi asked if I’d be interested in hanging out with him in a setting that didn’t involve a shitload of academic work. Neither of us had to work that Saturday and spending time with Levi was the perfect way to avoid dad’s wrath, especially considering how bad he could be on Saturdays. 

Speaking of dad, our household was rather strained these days. Mother spent a lot of time in her own room, and she started cooking less and less, leaving us all to fend for ourselves when it came to eating. It didn’t affect me much since I generally ate one meal a day, but Mikasa struggled with it. She wanted to learn how to cook more, but dad pretty much held a reign of terror over the house, so she didn’t come out of her room much, either, unless she was going somewhere. Much to my surprise, her and Annie had really hit it off and become good friends. Annie was to Mikasa what Levi was to me these days. 

According to Mikasa, it had been sparked when sharing a shift with Annie; Annie mentioned a sport she enjoyed that Mikasa was also really into. Suddenly, her love for sports was reignited and it was pretty much an instant friendship between them. They hung out a lot (I would be serious money that all they did was watch or talk about sports, particularly sports that involved physical fighting), so she was able to escape the horridly bleak house. Between work and studying with Levi, I had a fair share of time away as well. 

In any case, dad was a monster that desperately needed to be caged. 

Back to what I was saying before; Levi and I planned to hang out on Saturday. He would pick me up, which had become a habit. I never drove over to his place by myself. I had no clue what we were going to do; probably just sit around his house or something. The mid-November air was freezing, which eliminated any outdoor possibilities; we weren’t outdoorsy people anyways. But maybe we’d catch a movie or something if anything good was playing. I had no clue what was playing, when I thought about it. 

As Saturday approached, Levi breeched the topic, so I wasn’t left to wonder for the rest of the week. He asked if I liked horror movies and I said that I did. Apparently there was a new movie out that Levi had heard was actually fairly disturbing, and so we planned on going to see that. The earliest play time for it was at one ‘o clock, so we opted for the four ‘o clock instead. He would come and pick me up at our usual meeting place at three-thirty, and we’d go from there. 

When Saturday came, it started out like any other Saturday. I woke up in the early afternoon (We’d had nightshift on Friday) and took a shower first thing. I threw on a white t-shirt with a plain grey hoodie with one of my lighter-colored pair of jeans. Water dripped steadily from my barely-dried hair while I went back to my room to wait for three-thirty to roll around. Once it was late enough for me to head out to our meeting place, I grabbed my winter jacket (a navy blue and black coat with a strip of fur lining the hood) and left my room. 

Dad was home and was sitting casually on the couch. Naturally, he kept a tall glass of booze at his side for immediate access. Mikasa was hanging out with Annie and mom was out grocery shopping, so dad and I were the only people in the house. Which meant he had zero reason to hold himself back at all. I hadn’t hurt myself the night before, so I’d been feeling okay with myself. I could kiss goodbye to that small bit of contentment. 

I tried to make a run for it; I sprinted towards the door. But I was frail and slow; dad may not have been able to walk straight but he had somehow managed to move faster than me. He swung his arm and caught me right in the stomach, and I fell right down to the floor once he removed his arm. I covered my head with my hands for protection as he kicked me mercilessly over and over again.

“Where do you think you’re going, you piece of shit?” He shouted as his foot connected painfully to my back.

I struggled to get back to my feet and it took me several tries before I could even make it to a kneeling position. I thought dad had given up (since he normally just went away after having his outburst) and I finally made it to my feet. I tried to run, but dad grabbed my shirt and spun me around. Before I could react, he had punched me square in the face. Pain shot through my face and I yelped as I struggled away from him. That had been his final blow; he didn’t fight me as I escaped his grip and fled out the door. He hadn’t even yelled at me, aside from asking where I was going. It had purely been a physical attack against me. What a fucking monster that man was. The little voice in the back of my head reminded me that I deserved it, so I shouldn’t whine about it. 

I didn’t stop running even after I was safely out of the house. I knew dad wouldn’t come after me but I had to get away as fast as I could. I felt a trickling sensation around my nose and lifted my hand to it to discover that it was bleeding. The physical exertion of sprinting has exhausted me, and I had to stop. I gasped for breath; each shuddering breath was painful. Every part of me was in pain. 

My subconscious had taken me to our meeting place; I stumbled towards Levi’s parked motorcycle. I was still struggling to breath. He looked up at the sound of my footsteps on the sidewalk (which was covered with a thin layer of snow. In fact, snowflakes were currently falling lazily from the dreary grey sky). As I continued the struggle to Levi’s motorcycle, he scrambled off of it so that he could run towards me and close the distance between us. I lost my balance and ended up falling down to the cold, snow-covered ground. The blood streaming from my nose trickled down and dyed a small patch of snow red. 

Levi scooped me up into his arms and picked me up off the freezing ground. He straightened himself up and cradled me awkwardly in his arms (considering I’m so much taller than he is).

“It was your dad, wasn’t it.” It wasn’t a question. He already knew the answer. 

I nodded slightly; jesus christ, I was in a lot of pain.

“That fucking asshole needs to die.” He hissed through gritted teeth; his body was tensed up in fury. I didn’t cry. I just say limply in Levi’s arms. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I’d dealt with dad’s abuse so much that I didn’t know what to really think about it. 

Going to the movie was out of the question. After a few moments of holding me to him, Levi carried me over to his bike. He set me down into position gently and put my helmet on for me. I had been only half-conscious, but my alertness was trickling back. 

“You’ll make it back to the apartment without passing out or something, right?” Levi said as he pulled his own helmet on.

“Yeah. I’m awake.” 

“Good, then.”

A short time later, we made it over to Levi’s place. He left me in the kitchen for a minute and when he returned, he had a wet cloth in his hand. He told me to sit on one of the chairs surrounding his kitchen table and once I was seated, he knelt down and washed the blood off of my face. I vaguely noticed that he was wearing a plain black long-sleeved shirt; it tended to escape my memory that he wore sleeves for a reason.

“I can’t just stand by and let you suffer like this, you know that, right?”

I nodded, only halfway paying attention.

“I’m serious, Eren. Your own dad beats the living piss out of you. And that’s a huge issue.”

“Uh-huh.” Sure, it was a bit of a problem. But it’s not like he was beating up an innocent, decent human being.

Levi let out a sigh of resignation as he set the washcloth on the table. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me. I was unresponsive. The urge to find a way to hurt myself was rising up within me. 

As Levi embraced me, he whispered, “I just want you to be okay.” 

“I am. Don’t worry.” I would never get used to the way he worried about me. He had made me his first priority in life and I couldn’t understand why. I figured it out, eventually. 

-x-

To make up for the fact that we’d been unable to go to the movie (well, we still could have caught a later showing, but I really wasn’t up for going anywhere), Levi had presented to me a handful of his favorite horror movies. He asked if any of them struck my interest, and I had seen most of them, but there were a few that I hadn’t. I chose one of the ones I had yet to see and he threw it in. His TV wasn’t too bad; a medium-sized television that wasn’t new but wasn’t ridiculously old, either. We sat side by side as we watched a gory slasher film; Levi admitted that he preferred movies that were more psychologically disturbing but didn’t mind a gore fest every now and then. He made a huge bowl of popcorn that he ate three quarters of; I ate the other quarter. He actually eats a lot for somebody so small.

For supper, Levi made ramen noodles. He told me he’d never learned how to cook properly and that his dietary habits had always been lacking, since his parents had never been around to stop him from eating whatever junk he wanted. As a kid, he’d had a nanny, but she was just there for the money. She would take him to get whatever food he wanted, though, because she was too lazy to cook for him (what an interesting choice of nanny, really). So ramen noodles were pretty much the most extensive form of cooking he could partake in, sadly. I couldn’t really say much, though, since I had no clue how to cook either. I managed to eat a fair-sized bowl of the noodles and Levi basically ate whatever I didn’t. 

Despite the cruel start to the day, I wasn’t having a bad time. Levi was doing everything he could to make sure I had distractions to keep me from my darker thoughts, and somehow he managed to succeed. We watched a couple more horror movies and in the blink of an eye, it was after ten ‘o clock. 

“When do you want me to go home?” It was a stupid question. I knew the answer. But the topic needed to be addressed at some point.

“You already know I don’t even want you to go back where your dad can continue beating you down.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You’re welcome to stay here.”

“…I think I will.” I said. A part of me wanted to go back home and go through my familiar routine of falling asleep to the feeling of my own skin being torn apart, or being melted, or to feel the effects of taking more painkillers than I probably should. The familiarity of the idea was comforting in its own sickening way. But a part of me was willing to fight the darker side of my mind for tonight. I was already here, so I may as well stay. Plus, when I think about it, if I had to choose one person to spend my time with, it would probably be Levi. Or Mikasa, because I love her to death. But there’s something to be said for the person who’s seen your worst but is willing to stay.

I took out my phone and texted Mikasa that I wasn’t going to be home at all that night. She was sleeping over at Annie’s house, apparently, so things had worked out for both of us. I texted mom as well just to let her know and she told me that she hoped I was having fun; I replied back that I was.

“Good, I’m glad.” He said, and I knew he really meant it. “Also, just like last time, you’re more than welcome to sleep in my bed. It’s far more comfortable than the couch. I’ll even sleep on the couch if you prefer.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Not at all.”

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

After Eren decided that he was staying for sure, we continued making our way through the stack of horror films I’d provided earlier in the day. Around one-thirty, I felt a weight pressed up against my side. I tore my eyes away from the movie to find that Eren was fast asleep. His mouth was open ever so slightly but he wasn’t drooling or anything. He looked peaceful; he was in a deep slumber free of nightmares and the cruelties of reality. I had never seen his face set into such a serene expression and my heart skipped a beat as I watched the calmness of his face and the way his chest moved gently up and down at a smooth, steady rate. 

He was leaning right up against me and his hand had settled to rest in my lap. I gently took his hand into my own; his hand was warm and surprisingly soft, considering the way he lived his life. Eren was still fast asleep but as I ran my fingers lightly over his hand, he snuggled up closer to me; as if his subconscious wanted nothing more than to be close to me. I let his hand fall lightly back onto my lap in favor of moving my hand over to his hair; his hair had messily splayed itself across my shoulder. I took a few strands of it between my fingers; it was matted from lack of attention throughout the day but still soft. I have no clue how long I sat there, slowly playing with his hair, but it had to have been for a while. 

Eventually, I decided to move him on over to my bedroom so that he could sleep in my own bed for the night. As I began to pry him off of me, he muttered something quietly. It’d been difficult to hear him, but he’d spoken clearly. His eyes were still shut tight, though. Sleep talking. 

“No, don’t leave me…Levi.”

My heart melted.

I enveloped him into my arms and lifted him up off the couch. He really was lighter than he should be. I carried his sleeping body over to my bedroom and opened the door. I have a queen-sized bed that is set in the center of the room, with the headboard against the wall. My comforter is black, white, and grey; it’s a pattern of squares of varying sizes. It’s hard to explain, really. My pillowcases match the comforter, and I have a few extra plain white pillows thrown about. I make the bed up neatly every single morning when I wake up, so it’s always aesthetically pleasing. There’s not much else to my room; an old TV is set on an old black TV stand in the corner of the room. I have a light-colored wooden dresser off to the side of my room. That’s about it. The carpet is white and so are the walls.

I didn’t turn on the light when I got to the room, so that I didn’t wake Eren. I pulled the covers down far enough for me to be able to lay Eren down softly on the bed, which is what I did. I didn’t take off his sweatshirt, because I knew he was still uncomfortable with the idea of me being able to see his scars. I didn’t blame him; it was a private thing. A personal hell not meant to be shared with others. I myself had been extremely hesitant to show him my own, but it had been the only way to break through to him. He needed to know that I’d visited the exact same place that he had. 

So I let him sleep in his own protective layer of clothing. I pulled the covers back up and settled them around Eren. I allowed my hand to travel to Eren’s tranquil face and traced my fingers lightly across his cheek. All I wanted was for him to be happy. No, not even that. I just wanted him to be able to find the will to live each day. I just wanted him to be able to have more days where he didn’t feel completely worthless. I wanted him to be able to see the person that I saw when I looked at him; those times when he let his guard down, even if only for a moment and let me see the person that he had been before everything came crashing down. The whispered memories of his past self who led a life worth living that revealed themselves in his clumsy half-smile that he flashed once in a while. 

I’d had a suspicion for a while now that my feelings regarding Eren went beyond the zone of friendship. But it wasn’t until I had heard Eren plea to me in his sleep to not leave him and then a few moments later when I brushed my fingers across Eren’s peaceful face that I knew for sure. 

I didn’t just care about Eren solely because his case was similar to mine.

I was in love with him.

I sighed heavily before getting up to let Eren sleep in peace. I made a note to myself to stop by the hallway closet and grab a blanket and pillow to help make the couch more comfortable to sleep on. As I made my move to get up, a tug on my sleeve stopped me. Eren’s eyes were only half-open and his sleepy expression was ridiculously endearing. He yawned a tiny little yawn when he opened his mouth to speak.

“You don’t have to leave.” He still had his hand clutched tightly to my sleeve, like he was afraid that if he let go, I would be gone. 

“You don’t want me to go sleep on the couch?”

“I want you to stay here.” He whispered. 

I didn’t bother to change into my pajamas. I simply crawled into the vacant side of the bed. Eren had been facing away from me but once I was settled in, he turned to face me. 

“I’m sick of being alone.” He muttered with another yawn.

“You don’t have to be alone now, Eren.” I whispered. I wanted to pull him to me and hold him my arms, but we weren’t together. Eren was just lonely, and I was the remedy available at hand. But even this was more than enough for me; hearing him ask me to stay had been enough to make my heart swell with overwhelming joy.

I was caught off-guard yet again when after staring at me for a moment, Eren sidled right up to me. Eren seemed to possess a fair level of alertness at this point. 

“Hold me. Hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.”

I did as Eren asked and wrapped my arms around him. 

“Everything is going to be okay.”

He snuggled up as close to me as he could possibly get and buried his head into my chest. Both his arms and mine were covered by our sleeves, so our dark secrets were hidden from the world. But Eren pried himself away from my grasp after only a few minutes; I was scared that he’d come to his senses and had realized, much to his dismay, that we’d been cuddling. But my fears dissipated quickly when Eren muttered, “Too hot.”

He struggled out of his sweatshirt and threw it onto the floor beside the bed. He still had on a plain white t-shirt. Even in the darkness, I could clearly see every cut, burn, and scratch that riddled his arms. He gave me a sideways glanced before saying, “Yours too.” He meant for me to unveil my arms; then they would both have their regrets in plain sight. 

Since I was only wearing my black long-sleeved shirt, when I took it off, I was shirtless, unlike Eren. I waited for him to say something against that fact but it didn’t seem to bother him at all. He pursued the same position he had taken before; now that my chest was bare, when Eren rested his face against it, I could feel his warm breath hit me softly as his breathing steadied into a slow, steady rhythm. Our bodies were touching and our legs were intertwined as I wrapped my arms around Eren, clinging to him like he would disappear at any second. He clung to me as well; his arms were wrapped firmly against my back. I could feel the unevenness where his scars were raised on his flesh.

“Goodnight, Levi”. I felt the statement more than I heard it; his goodnight was muffled due to his face being pressed up against my chest. The blanket only went up to our waists; our own body heat was enough to keep each other warm on that chilly November night. 

I closed my eyes as true contentment washed over me. “Goodnight, Eren.” I whispered. 

When I was positive that Eren had fallen asleep in my arms I whispered, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an urgent need for some fluff and that is my explanation for the last part of the chapter ;u;


	9. Well-Received Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren wakes up in Levi's arms, and they need to have a talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really needed them to kiss. That's all I have to say, really.

The sun was hidden behind a thick layer of grey clouds, so I didn’t wake up to sunlight streaming daintily into the room through the blinds. My mind was still hazy as I slowly came back to the realm of consciousness. My surroundings were unfamiliar to me; where the fuck was I, even? 

As my mind slowly began to process the situation, I realized that I was not alone in the soft bed that was clearly not my own. A pair of familiar arms were wrapped tightly around me, and after a moment I realized that my arms were around him, as well. My head was resting against his (bare) chest and I could feel his steady breathing. Our legs were intertwined and we were cuddled up together as close as we possibly could have been. My sweatshirt was gone and I panicked for a second before remembering both that Levi already knew the horrid state of my arms, and that I had been the one to remove the sweatshirt this time.

I was also the one who asked for Levi to stay here with me instead of sleeping out in the living room. I had been the one to place my body as close to his as I could manage. I’d asked him to hold me; he’d simply fulfilled my request. The worst part was that I had been one hundred percent aware of what I was doing. It wasn’t like it was some almost-completely-asleep reaction; I had asked him to stay while in possession of coherent thought.

I couldn’t honestly say that I regretted it.

But I was pissed off at myself.

Extremely pissed off.

I slowly moved my head away from his chest and looked upwards to get a glimpse of his face. He was still sleeping; his typical irate expression was gone and replaced with a soft, gentle expression. His eyebrows weren’t furrowed into a line of worry; they were completely relaxed. His mouth was open the tiniest bit; so slightly that at first I thought it had been entirely shut. His lips looked perfect and the fleeting thought crossed my mind that I desired to know what those lips felt like. 

No. That’s fucking wrong. Self-hatred blazed through me like a scorching fire at letting myself think something like that. Look what had happened to Armin. I had given my entire being to Armin and I had failed him. His life was cut short because of me; he hadn’t even made it to his seventeenth birthday. And that was fucked up, and it was my fault.

Not to mention the fact that I felt ridiculously guilty for allowing any sort of emotional bond form between Levi and I. Armin was supposed to be the only person that I would love in the world. 

But it was foolish to deny that I’d felt something for Levi. Of course I fucking did. I’d suspected right away that I’d come to think of Levi as something more than my coworker of the night shift at 7-Eleven. As confusing as it is, as agonizing as it is to think, I can’t in good (ha) conscious deny it. He’s the first person to actually give a shit about me (Mikasa excluded, as always). He actually listens to me when I talk, and he’s willing to listen to everything I have to say when I feel the urge to mutilate myself. He’d made more of an effort to be there for me than I thought anyone ever would. I spent a fair majority of my time with him, and he crossed my mind often when we weren’t in each other’s presence. He’d seen my scars and hadn’t judged me a single time for them. He’d never once gotten angry with me when I admitted my sins of the previous night to him when we were alone at work. When he said that he’d be there for me, he meant it.

And there was no denying how pleasant it felt to share my body heat with him. Truth be told, I never wanted him to let go of me. Ever. I felt safe when he held me in his arms. And he did so without question; he didn’t hesitate to embrace me. Before last night I had assumed I’d mistaken his kindness towards me for romantic feelings; now I wasn’t all that sure. 

No. No, no, no. This had to stop. I couldn’t let myself fall for him. I would just drag him down, and he didn’t need that. He didn’t deserve that. All I would be able to do is hurt him. Toxicity runs through my veins like a disease.

Fuck. How could I let this fucking happen? This should not have happened. This was a mistake. I’d been lonely; of course I was sick of being alone. It was a natural reaction, really. Maybe I really didn’t have feelings for him; I just wanted a cure for my loneliness.

That didn’t explain why my heart skipped a beat now and then when I’d catch him watching me with those brooding eyes of his. Or how warmth spread through my body when he focused all of his attention on me and nothing else.

I will reiterate one of the prominent thoughts in my mind right now: Fuck.

I disentangled myself hastily from Levi and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed in preparation of standing up; I was ready to get the fuck out of there. Running away was just so much easier than facing the problem head on, right?

The sudden movement caused Levi to wake and he sat right up, somewhat startled. I could tell he was still half-asleep by the way sleepy, dragged out way he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“I’m going home.” I said, scrambling off of the bed and snatching my sweatshirt up off the floor from where it had been discarded the night before. I pulled it onto myself quickly as Levi sat up in the bed and rubbed his eyes, trying to shake the sleep away. When he lifted his arms, I could faintly make out some of the damn near perfectly straight white lines spread over both of his arms. It was terribly easy to forget that he had scars with the way he acted; it was hard to imagine him ever experiencing such gut-wrenching agony. It felt like a knife was twisted crudely inside my heart each time I saw them. I watched as alertness visibly returned to him after a moment of sitting up straight. 

He looked at me and as soon as our eyes met I was suddenly sure that he had feelings for me; he looked at me the way that Armin and I used to look at each other. I wanted to scream; what a terrible situation this could turn out to be. Wasn’t the bastard straight, anyways?

“I drove you here.” He stated matter-of-factly. Well, fuck. I’d forgotten that I never drove here myself. 

“Well, take me home then.”

“Why are you in such a hurry?” He glanced at the alarm clock that lay on a tiny wooden nightstand on Levi’s side of the bed; it was only seven-thirty in the morning. Well, shit. We both knew I had no legitimate reason to head home that early.

I couldn’t provide him with an answer. After a moment of silence, he continued on.

“Would talking about it help?”

“I hate talking about my feelings.”

“I think I’ve managed to figure that out over the past couple months.”

“Then why did you ask?”

“Because we both know that it helps.”

Levi always knew exactly what to say. It was irritating; ridiculously so.

I remained silent.

“So, you do want to talk about it?” He phrased it as a question but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually a question; it was more of an introductory statement to what was guaranteed to be an unpleasant confession of feelings. By the sounds of it, there would be confessions from both of us. 

“First of all, can I ask you a question?” Levi asked. 

“Go ahead.”

“Do you remember last night at all, or were you as good as unconscious for all of it?”

“I remember it. I knew what I was doing.”

“So, what does that mean, then?” 

“It means that we should stop this talk and you should get on your bike and take me the fuck home.”

“Eren.”

“What.”

“You know what.”

I groaned. “Just fuck off, alright?”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Like hell I don’t.”

“No, I can tell you don’t. Stop being difficult. We can’t just avoid this forever, because that would be awkward.”

“I’m not avoiding anything.”

“You cuddled right up to me last night and now you’re chomping at the bit to get home. You’re never anxious to make it home, or at least, you haven’t been lately. There’s obviously something missing here.”

“Can we not do this?” I retorted. His knowing tone was infuriating, really. I glanced at him; that was a mistake. I ended up analyzing the details of his unbearably attractive face; I couldn’t find a single imperfection on his face. Even the silver stud that adorned his eyebrow was attractive. Dammit. 

“Eren. Stop being difficult.”

“Then what the fuck do you want me to do? To admit that I’m a worthless piece of shit that is letting himself make the mistake of falling for somebody ever again after his boyfriend’s death that was caused by him?” I spat; I hadn’t really meant to say that second sentence. It had just flown right out of my mouth. Just another regret to add to the never-ending list. 

Levi was silent for quite some time after that. He was formulating his response with care; I could tell. 

“I wish you’d believe me if I told you that Armin’s death wasn’t your fault. But you wouldn’t, and I know that. It’s sad to think, but it’s true. But you’re allowed to continue living. You’re allowed to fall in love again. Armin would have wanted that, I’m sure.”

Fury blazed in my eyes as I gave him a cold look of pseudo-hatred. Because we both know that I could never hate him.

“You don’t know what the fuck Armin would or wouldn’t have wanted. Besides, that’s not the only reason that I don’t want to succumb to such shitty emotions again.”

“Then what else is holding you back?”

I scratched at my arm through the fabric of my sweatshirt without truly realizing it. Instinctual necessity for pain was what it boiled down to. Anger mixed with a significant dose of self-hatred caused me to shout at Levi in response.

“I don’t want to fucking hurt anyone else!” I shouted; my nails dug deeper, but at least they couldn’t make contact with my skin. I was shaking; the situation managed to overwhelm me. I had basically confessed to Levi that I’d fallen for him, and that was terrible. But I couldn’t help it. I’d needed to tell him. And I just had, and I already regretted it. 

Levi sighed heavily. 

“Oh, Eren.” I felt his hand lightly fall onto my shoulder; a gesture of comfort. 

My eyes stung and I had to fight back a bout of tears as I continued on.

“I’m fucking horrible. I should be at home, letting my dad beat me to a pulp because that’s all that I deserve. I don’t deserve to have you around to comfort me. I don’t deserve to have somebody like you in my life. I don’t deserve the warm feeling of being held as I fall asleep. That privilege should have died right along with Armin. Why the fuck are you still here for me, anyways? Anyone else would have left by now. So why stick around and stay here with an awful fuckup when you could be doing so much more?

I can’t believe I let this happen. This was never meant to happen, ever. God, I fucked another thing up. That’s all I do. Fuck things up. My whole life is a goddamn mistake. I shouldn’t even be alive. Armin should. I was driving and I should have died and Armin should have lived and now I’m here and jesus christ I’m sick of fucking life.” I closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay at bay. 

“You’re alive for a reason. And I truly believe that.”

“Give me a reason. Because I certainly can’t think of any.”

“How unbearably selfish would it be of me to say that one of those reasons is because I believe we were meant to cross paths?”

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” 

“I’m saying that I care about you.”

“I already knew that. You promised me like twenty times that you’re here for me. I get it. Life still sucks.”

“I’m trying to say I care about you as more than just a friend who I’m here to comfort.”

“That’s a terrible mistake you’re making.”

“I disagree.”

“All I’ll do is hurt you. Just like I hurt Armin. Wait, I didn’t hurt him. I fucking killed him. I’m toxic. A plague to this goddamn earth. All I would ever do is drag you down, assuming you didn’t die by my fault, as well.” 

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you a promise.” 

“What?”

“Hear me out.”

“Fine.” 

“This is purely theoretical, of course. But let’s say that you did pursue a relationship with me. Your biggest concern is causing my downfall, right?”

I nodded slightly.

“If I said that I wouldn’t let you hurt me, would that help at all? If I promised you that if you were ever a source of misery to me, if you were to drag me down like you claim would happen, I would be done with you. If I promised you that I’d walk right out of your life under such a circumstance, would that help ease your mind?” 

To most people, that statement probably would have sounded harsh. But it had been exactly the right thing to say to me at that point in time. Because it did make me feel better knowing that he wouldn’t let me hurt him. If I hurt him, he would be done with me. It would shatter me, of course, but I would deserve it if that happened, anyways. 

“It would.” I muttered; I realized that I’d stopped scratching at my arms. Levi’s speech had distracted me enough to stop. 

“Good. That being said, what are your thoughts right now?”

“I think I still feel like a piece of shit.”

“Would a hug help?”

“Probably not, but it couldn’t hurt to try.” 

“Fair enough.” Levi said, leaning over and twisting himself so that he could put his arms around me. He was still shirtless, I noticed. Once his arms were secured around my back, I returned the embrace and set my chin to rest lightly on top of Levi’s bare shoulder. I loved the way that he smelled; he smelled almost sweet despite his scent being tainted with the clinging odor of cigarette smoke. I say tainted, but I honestly didn’t mind that part of his scent, either. 

After several minutes of comfortable silence, I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. 

“What happens now?” I whispered, arms still clinging onto his smooth, unclothed back.

“Whatever you want to happen.” He replied quietly, removing one of his hands from my back in favor of tracing it lightly along my face; starting at the top of my cheek and stopping right at the base of my chin. My heart fluttered as he did so and I instinctually closed my eyes and leaned into the touch. 

I should have fought against it. I should have kept telling myself that allowing this to happen was an enormous mistake.

But I had never exactly been one to control my urges, right?

And so just like I did with everything else in life, I gave into my urges.

I kept my eyes shut and didn’t protest as Levi gently tilted my chin upwards. I could feel him lean forward and I felt his forehead lightly touch mine. I opened my eyes slightly and saw him looking at me with eyelids that were beginning to flutter shut. 

“If I kissed you right now, would you be mad?” He whispered. His hand still softly held my face in position. 

“No.” I whispered back before letting my eyes flutter shut one more time. After a second of waiting (impatiently), I felt a soft pair of lips brush against my own. The feel of his lips against mine was every bit as pleasant as I had imagined. There were no traces of cigarette lingering on his lips, since he hadn’t gotten the chance to smoke yet. His lips had a sweet taste to them that I hadn’t expected, and it was difficult to describe in a way that would do it justice. I sighed blissfully and relaxed my tensed up body, leaning further into him than I had been before. One of his arms was still wrapped protectively around my back, as if he were guarding me against every danger of the world in that moment; his other hand continued to hold my chin in place. My hands were still wrapped around his back and I enjoyed the feeling of his smooth, bare skin underneath my hands.

In any case, that kiss was everything I could have wished for. It was gentle and sweet; an antithesis to Levi’s outward demeanor. He pulled away eventually and let go of my chin. He returned his hand to the top of my cheek and I thought he was going to brush his fingers over it the way he had previously, but much to my surprise (and dismay), he moved his hand a bit further to the side and brushed at a tear that I hadn’t been aware existed. I realized that I had begun to cry; not much, but there were a few tears gathered in my eyes that had started to spill over. I guess it made sense, though. I mean, I had been so sure that I would never experience such a happy moment ever again. It was unreal. 

“Do you feel any better, or did I make it worse?” Levi asked, wiping away another tear. 

“I feel a lot better.” I replied, and it was the truth. 

Levi smiled at my response and I gave one of my clumsy half-smiles in return. 

It wasn’t necessary to say it out loud; we were together. We had returned each other’s feelings. I hadn’t even been sure what my feelings for Levi were, but I understood them enough to allow for this to happen. Despite my earlier breakdown, I was happier than I’d been in ages.

Well, in over a year, actually.

-x-

Because we had skipped the movies yesterday, we decided to go on Sunday since we had nothing better to do. So after our little feelings talk, we both got dressed. It didn’t take much; I already had my clothes on and all Levi had to do was throw on a black t-shirt and his typical leather jacket. We ate breakfast at the kitchen table; pretty much the only breakfast food Levi owned was a box of cornflakes that was starting to get stale. I asked him what the fuck was up with that and he said that he’d never been much of a breakfast eater. The man had a cabinet stocked to the brim with booze but lacked simple breakfast food. I don’t care if you don’t eat breakfast. You should have some goddamn breakfast food around. Then again, I don’t eat breakfast either. Actually, I have no clue why we ate breakfast together in the first place. 

Maybe it was because we were both somewhat dazed after everything that had taken place in his bedroom; we’d gone from friends to way more than that in a short span of time. No wonder we were both somewhat out of it. It had all happened so quickly; maybe even a little too quickly. But it didn’t feel wrong at all; quite the opposite. It was natural, fluid- it was difficult to describe, but whatever it was, it worked for us.

We both had to work that night, so there was no point in me going home yet. I suppose you could have called that trip to the movies a date, but we didn’t really treat it like one. It might have been, had it not been in the plans previously. In any case, it was pleasant to spend the afternoon sharing a giant tub of overly buttered popcorn (another situation where Levi ate three quarters and I ate one quarter) before heading out to work. The theatre that we were seated in was one of the larger ones at our cinema, so the screen was a fair size. We sat in the second to last row; most people were clustered near the middle rows. There were quite a few people, since there wasn’t all that much to do on a Sunday afternoon around where we lived. 

The movie lived up to its reviews; it was actually pretty disturbing. A lot of the jump scares caused a fair amount of people to actually jump or to let out an involuntary exclamation of surprise. I didn’t even flinch, but I was incredibly amused to discover that Levi could be caught off-guard; he jumped twice during the movie. I laughed at him both times, to which he gave me some of the most horrifying, out for blood expressions I had ever seen on somebody’s face.

“Shut the fuck up, Yeager.” The fact that he said “Yeager” instead of “Eren” was enough to tell me that he wasn’t a fan of the fact that he’d actually gotten scared during the movie. And that he didn’t appreciate me pointing it out. But come on, to see somebody who was always so composed and calm jump during a scary movie was truly an amazing sight to behold. My (quiet, so as not to get dirty looks from the few people that had opted to sit close to us) laughing was interrupted by an unknown object that hit my cheek before falling to the theatre floor. It was a piece of popcorn.

“What was that for?” I whined, looking over at Levi who had another piece at the ready if he needed it.

“I told you to shut up.”

I suppressed my amusement and let a serious expression take over my face. I went back to focusing on the movie and we sat in silence for the remainder of it. Once it was over, we walked side by side and made our way out of the theatre. My eyes were used to the pitch-blackness of the theatre, so it took a minute for them to adjust to the blanket of white snow and the light grey sky.

-x-

Once we were back at his apartment, we sat together on his couch and turned on the TV. I decided that I wanted to ask him some questions, because he was always so focused on me that I never really got to ask anything that I wondered about him. If I was going to try and be with him, I could at least know a bit more about him. I already knew the most important things, and I’d been around long enough to understand him and his personality, but there were always random questions that came to mind now and then when I thought about him. 

For lack of a better way to start, I started with one of the more important questions I had to ask. 

“Hey, Levi?”

He tore his eyes away from the television in favor of sending me a sideways glance.

“Yeah?”

I realized how stupid the question sounded as soon as the words left my mouth.

“I thought you were straight?”

He didn’t laugh outwardly, but I could hear the amusement in his tone.

“I never really gave a shit about sexuality. I don’t think it’s important.”

“So, you’ve been with both before?”

“Petra was my only serious relationship, but yeah.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You’re already asking me shit. You may as well keep going.”

I hesitated before asking my next question.

“Have you…been with anybody since Petra?”

“No, I haven’t. Hookups, yeah. There’s been a fair share of those. Nothing serious, though.” He replied nonchalantly. I couldn’t decide whether or not it was surprising that Levi was the type to hook up with people on a whim. I decided not to linger on the thought for too long. 

Levi mistook my pondering for discomfort, so he adjusted his statement. “Until now, of course.” 

“Yeah, I know. After all, we didn’t hook up at all. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me.” I raised my eyebrows at him in mock suspicion. That day was going great, so I was in much more of a lighthearted mood than most days. 

“Funny. Glad to know you have so much faith in me.” He replied, sarcasm heavy in his tone. 

“Anything for you.” I replied. We sat in silence for a moment, and then I moved onto the next subject that I wanted to breech. 

“So, I’ve always wondered. Your piercings. Why?” 

He knew exactly what I was asking, and so he explained. 

“They allowed for me to have control over what adorns my body without actually hurting it.”

Oh .That made sense. A lot of sense. It made my heart hurt; I don’t know what answer I had been expecting, but the one I received was more serious than what I anticipated. 

My sadness at his answer must have been apparent on my face, because he softly added, “Don’t look so sad; it’s all in the past. I’m fine now. I’m alive, and that’s what matters.”

I nodded, trying not to look so crestfallen. 

“I decided to get them after I turned my life back around and stopped cutting. My piercings and tattoo were a representation of my freedom, basically. They were to show that I was in control of myself in a more positive way. I didn’t need to maim myself anymore.” 

I wanted so badly to ask him what exactly had caused his turnaround, to ask how he found the strength to make it out of the black hole of despair similar to my own that he used to be suffocated by. But I felt like that was a discussion for another day, so I didn’t breech the topic. 

I had already been fairly certain that he had a tattoo; I’d catch a glimpse of it now and then depending on the shirt he was wearing, and this morning I could have sworn I’d seen a dark spot on the tiny bit of his back that had been exposed when he sat up in bed. 

“I’ve never seen this tattoo that you speak of.”

“I’m sure you will at some point.” He replied teasingly; he had no intention of showing me right then and there, irritatingly enough. 

“Wow, thank you.” Sarcasm dripped from those three words in copious amounts. He could have just shown me the damn tattoo and be done with it. I’d make sure to bring it up plenty, though. 

“Are you going to at least tell me what it is?”

“You’ll see. It’s nothing that great.”

“Then why aren’t you showing me?”

“Because.”

“You suck.”

“No, I don’t. And you know it.” He leaned over and grabbed the side of my face, turning it so that he could give me a quick kiss. “Patience. You’ll see it when you see it.” He whispered against my lips.

“I still think you’re a prick.” I replied, pulling away from him.

“Oi, rude.”

“You started it.”

“Actually, that was you.” He glanced up at the clock as he spoke, and I followed suit. It was almost time to leave for work. I suppose that wasn’t a bad thing; we’d still be together while at work. But I still would have preferred sitting on the couch with him at our leisure. With a resigned sigh, I got up from the couch and stretched. Levi did the same, and we gathered together our phones and wallets and whatnot as our last preparations before heading to work. 

Our shift passed quickly, and much to my dismay, I found myself hopping off of Levi’s bike in order to get home. It was three in the morning, and I had to wake up in three and a half hours for school. Joy. On the bright side, dad was pretty much guaranteed to be passed out cold. Even so, it sucked to have to return home after such a blissful day and a half. 

I tried to say goodbye and take my leave, but Levi wasn’t about to let me go with such a simplistic parting. 

“Get your ass over here, Eren.” He said as soon as my helmet was off. After setting the helmet down, I did as I was told. He was still seated atop the bike. He reached up and grabbed at the front of my shirt; his intentions were innocent, but it reminded me of the way that dad often pulled me up by my shirt, and so I involuntarily flinched away. Levi must have realized what the action reminded me of, because he let go immediately. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I wasn’t pleased with the fact that I’d flinched away from Levi’s touch even though I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else in my life at the time. Trying to shake it off, I bent down so that my face was level with Levi’s, which was what I assumed Levi was trying to accomplish before. He cupped my face with his hand before leaning over the edge of his bike slightly so that he could close the distance between our faces. There was a hint of desperation in the kiss; he was worried about me. Worried about me going back home, no doubt. 

When our lips were no longer locked, Levi quietly said, “Stay safe, Eren.” 

“I will.”

I reluctantly walked away from him after our goodbyes were exchanged, and when I looked back, he was already gone. Coming back to reality hit hard; my time with Levi had separated me from the devastating life that I led when left to my own devices (Or when left in the house with dad) and that made going back home that much shittier. But still, Levi provided quite the welcome distraction. If anybody could help build me up from the pile of ashes that I’d become, it was him, and there was no doubt in my mind about that. I wasn’t sure exactly when he had become such an important part of my life, but somehow, he’d done it. And I was glad that he did. 

That night, the last thought that passed through my mind was how perfectly Levi’s lips fit against my own.

And so marked the true beginning of my life with Levi.


	10. Christmas Time (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1/2 of Eren and Levi's first holiday season together.  
> Featuring: ugly Christmas sweaters   
> It wouldn't be one of my multi-chapter AU fics if there wasn't a Christmas chapter~

We didn’t go on dates, really. We spent our free time together at Levi’s apartment, lying together on the couch. He still helped me with my homework; Hanji was a common presence during those sessions. My grades kept rising, for the most part, but they still weren’t great. Baby steps, Levi would remind me. I always spent the weekends with him, regardless of our work schedules. Things were going pretty well, really; I could go for more than a week at a time without cutting myself, which had never even been a possibility before. 

Dad’s behavior had improved lately; mother had started threatening divorce and actually meaning it, which managed to keep his alcohol consumption down, at least enough to keep mom from gathering the necessary paperwork. Because of this, he didn’t raise his hand against me nearly as often as he had before, although he did still manage to catch me while intoxicated about once a week. Still, it was improvement. I didn’t have my hopes up, however; this was a temporary calm in the storm. He had yet to hit his rock bottom, and until he did, he could pretend he was getting better all he wanted; he wouldn’t be relatively sober forever. Even so, it was nice not having his hatred of me piled on top of my own self-hatred, no matter how temporary. 

One of the most memorable weekends that I spent with Levi was about a month after we’d been together. There was only one week left until Christmas, and colorful lights and decorations filled every crevice of the small town. We didn’t have a Christmas tree up at our house; lord knows the atmosphere in the house was far too fucked for holiday cheer to materialize (even though dad showed improvement, the house was still under a lot of tension that had built up over the past few months). Levi had an old fake Christmas tree, though; Hanji and Mike had insisted he put one up each year. They visited often during the holiday season, forcing Levi to participate against his will in activities such as making Christmas cookies or actually taking the time to decorate the tree. Naturally, this year I was included in all such festivities.  
We’d spent the afternoon with Hanji and Mike; they had brought with them a colorful assortment of hideous Christmas sweaters that everyone was required to wear; we managed to force Levi into a bright red monstrosity that depicted an assortment of snowmen, reindeer, and snowflakes. The neckline depicted a row of rainbow-colored Christmas lights. If looks could kill, Levi would have been the death of all three of us. 

My sweater wasn’t much better; a light green button-down sweater that had a pattern of Santa’s head along the bottom. Snowflakes were distributed throughout the rest of the sweater, and all of the edges had a ring of candy-cane colored stripes. Hanji’s was black and simply had a giant reindeer head on it; its antlers were strung with legitimate Christmas lights. She proudly flipped a switch hidden within the sweater and all of the lights shone brightly off of the reindeer’s antlers. Mike’s sweater was red, like Levi’s. It was cluttered with everything Christmas related; I managed to spot Santa, Rudolph, wrapped presents, Christmas trees, snowflakes, candy canes, snowmen, and Santa hats. The longer I looked, the more there was to see.

The sweater-bearing duo had arrived around noon; they didn’t bother to provide us with forewarning of their arrival and so we’d had to scramble out of bed at record-pace in order to answer their incessant knocking. Hanji apologized immediately for waking us up (our uncombed hair and hastily thrown-on clothes were pretty good indicators) before excitedly barging right into the apartment.

Oh, yeah. We told Hanji and Mike that we were together a couple weeks ago; Hanji asked us when we were at BWW and there was no point in denying it, because her tone was too knowing to argue against. Hanji had been overjoyed and Mike had given a satisfactory nod at the news. I’d been hesitant to go back to BWW after what had happened last time, but while I still felt overbearing wave of nostalgia (that produced both positive and negative feelings, but sadness clung to even the happy ones like a cloak), I hadn’t felt the urge to run out of the restaurant. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but Levi told me afterwards that I should be proud of myself for making it through the meal. He was a huge advocate for the tiniest of victories.

Anyways, Hanji and Mike were fully aware that I spent the weekends with Levi, so they’d made sure to bring enough sweaters to go around. We spent the early part of the afternoon frosting Christmas cookies that were a variety of different Christmas-themed shapes. 

I never thought frosting had much of a scent, but it must have, because I caught Mike with the container set right below his nose on more than one occasion. Hanji and Levi were in charge of actually baking the cookies while Mike and I frosted them and added sprinkles. Hanji and Mike took control of the radio in Levi’s kitchen; they set it to a station that dedicated all of December to Christmas music. They were really into Christmas. Like, really into it. When I was little, I frosted cookies with mom and everything, but the enthusiasm Hanji and Mike showed for it was endearing and also a bit disturbing. It was pretty much a scene out of a cliché Christmas-themed film. 

I had to admit, though, I was enjoying myself. I think Levi was, too, but it was impossible to tell given his facial expression. His face had been set in a grumpy pout that was still somehow menacing ever since he’d been shoved into his ugly Christmas sweater. I doubted that expression would change until he was no longer wearing said sweater. 

Once all of the cookies were frosted, we all migrated to the living room; Hanji carried in a plate filled with a batch of the cookies that we’d just made. They tasted strange to me, but I realized with a jolt that it was because I legitimately hadn’t had any actual sweets in a long time; I was no longer accustomed to the taste of sugar on my tongue. Nonetheless, they were pretty good.

Hanji wanted to talk about science related topics even though that was clearly not the aim of the visit, so we shut her up by turning on the television. The station that came on first was had just begun playing National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, so we just left it on that. I hadn’t seen that movie in years, and it was just as idiotically funny as it had been before. Hanji linked her arm through Mike’s and leaned against him as we watched, and before I knew it, Levi had his head resting on my shoulder. I put my arms around him, and he ended up falling asleep a half hour into the movie. 

When Hanji noticed, she poked Mike and pointed at Levi; they exchanged a mischievous glance before getting carefully up from the couch, so as not to disturb Levi. Hanji raised a finger to her lip as a signal to be quiet. They went into the kitchen and Hanji grabbed her phone from where she had set it on the counter earlier and they tiptoed together back into the living room. Hanji stood a few feet away from the couch and raised the phone up; there was a red light that signified she had the camera function on. She mouthed, “Smile, Eren” at me and I provided one of my sloppy half-grins for the picture. Levi never would have agreed to a picture of him in his ugly sweater, so this was the only way. 

As soon as the telltale click of the camera resonated throughout the room, Levi’s eyes snapped open. He recognized the situation immediately. And I’m surprised that we all lived to see another day. Levi’s eyes narrowed so much that for a second, I thought he’d actually closed them. His mouth was set in a thin, furious line and he looked like he was seriously about to kill someone. He shook my arms off and sat up straight. 

“Get. The fuck. Out of here.” He hissed at the duo whose grins lit up their whole faces. 

Hanji started laughing, because the longer she stared at Levi’s furious expression mixing with the sweater he was wearing, the harder it was to take him seriously. I didn’t blame her; I myself found it difficult to suppress my laughter that threatened to escape me at any second. Mike was chuckling as well. When they made no move to leave, Levi reiterated his statement.

“Get the fuck out of here before I kick you out myself.” He growled; Hanji’s laughing didn’t cease but she did pull on Mike’s arm as a signal that it probably was a decent idea to take their leave.

“Alright, alright, we’re out! It was nice seeing you two! Bye, Eren, Levi!”

“Hey, wait.” I replied as they hurriedly traveled back towards the kitchen. 

“Hmm?” Hanji didn’t stop moving but she did look back at me.

I shouted my number to here and asked for her to send me the picture. Levi shot me a murderous glare as Hanji shouted back “Of course!” It was worth it, though, because a couple minutes after Hanji and Mike were out the door, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I didn’t look at it yet; Levi was still fuming right beside me.

“Did you sleep well?” I teased. Levi wasn’t amused.

“Fuck you.” He said, pulling the sweater over his head. He tossed it over my head and it landed on the opposite edge of the couch. He still had on one of his typical black long-sleeved shirts on; he’d just shoved the sweater over it. Since I’d had a hoodie on before my sweater, I just had a grey t-shirt on underneath. My black and dark blue striped hoodie lay on the kitchen counter, so I got up and went to the kitchen to grab it. In the kitchen, I stripped myself of my Christmas sweater and replaced it immediately with the familiar comfort of my own well-worn sweatshirt. When I returned to the living room Levi was angrily ripping away at one of the few cookies left on the plate. 

“You all fucking suck.” He said between bites as I returned to my previous position on the couch. Once the cookie was gone, he pulled an unopened pack of cigarettes from his jeans pocket. He tapped it on his wrist a couple of times before pulling off the plastic wrap. As he lit his cigarette, he slouched back on the couch. 

“Show me that picture.” He said, glancing over at me. 

“No. You’ll delete it.”

“Exactly. Give it here.” I ignored his request.

“You looked pretty adorable in that sweater.” I said, picking up my teasing tone from earlier.

“Fuck off, Yeager. Watch yourself or I’ll kick you right out of the house.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure you’d follow through with that.” Most of his cigarette was gone by the time I spoke again. “So, do they want their god awful sweaters back, or what?”

“No, actually, they give one to me every single year. It’s been a tradition of theirs for years now; they gave all of their friends Christmas sweaters. I don’t even want to know how they find so many different ones. There are some things in life that are best left a mystery, and that’s one of them.”

“So they actually consider me a friend, then?” It was somehow surprising to think they’d view me as a friend; we’d spent a fair share of evenings together and they were always super nice to me, but I assumed they just dealt with me because I was with Levi. It was surreal enough that I had Levi in my life; add a couple of friends to the mix and I was positive it was just a dream. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that other people would consider me their friend. 

“Of course they do. Don’t be so stupid.” He didn’t mean any harm by the second statement, but I looked away. He was just being his typical self, but the remark still stung. I bit my lip, irritated. I couldn’t help myself from giving an angry retort.

“Well, I’m sorry you think it’s stupid to be surprised that there are people in this goddamn world who can tolerate me.” 

Levi was silent for a second before he realized what he’d said that upset me. 

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Whatever.” I replied, looking to the side so that I didn’t have to meet his most likely concerned gaze. He stayed silent, allowing me some time to get over my small fit of anger. He must have been watching me, because he moved closer to me the second my body relaxed, no longer tensed up with anger.  
He leaned into me and lightly grabbed hold of my face in order to make me face him again. “Hey, now. You were having so much fun before. Let’s get back to that, alright?”

For his sake, I tried to cheer up a bit. It bothered me that such a small comment had been so quick to set me on edge like it had. I made an attempt at a smile but it wasn’t convincing enough for Levi; he’d seen right through it. His face fell a bit (not that he’d been smiling before, but there was still a noticeable downfall to his expression) and he let his forehead rest against my shoulder. I was perfectly fine with that position; I didn’t have to see his crestfallen face then. Normally he didn’t let sadness show so visibly on his face, but this time he’d been the cause of my anger, which I knew bothered him. Which in turn bothered me; neither of us wanted to see the other upset at our own fault.

We sat in silence once more, the only contact between us being Levi’s head against my shoulder and the slight touch of his body from leaning up against me. In all honesty, his position looked terribly uncomfortable. He didn’t move, though and neither did I. The silence that surrounded us was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable; it simply was. 

After what had to be more than an hour’s worth of quiet, Levi moved his head off my shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” 

I sighed deeply before responding. Irritation still clawed at me, but I did my best to suppress it. I wasn’t even really mad at him anymore; I was just generally in a foul mood. Which wasn’t uncommon by any stretch of the imagination. 

Anyways, after a moment, I did open my mouth and let words spill out. It ended up only being two words, but whatever. At least I responded.

“It’s alright.”

“Is it?” 

“Yeah.”

“Good.” He replied. We both knew I was still a bit on edge, but he made one last effort to lighten the mood, which ended up successful. 

“I won’t make you delete the sweater picture.”

“I wasn’t going to listen when you told me to, anyways.”

“I figured. But still. You can do with that picture what you want.”

“So I can have it printed and framed as a centerpiece for you coffee table?”

“That’s…a bit much.”

“You just said I can do what I want with it.”

“I did, that’s true. But you’re not seriously going to do that.”

“Just you try and stop me.”

“Fine, I will.” He replied, sitting up straight so that he’d have easier access to my face. Before I had a chance to say anything, our lips were pressed together. Levi had managed to get his arms around my waist without me noticing, and he pulled me closer to him. Once he pulled away, he asked, “So, did I manage to stop you?”

“For now.” I replied; what he probably didn’t realize, however, was that I was dead serious about getting a physical copy of that picture. I didn’t give a shit that it was just a phone picture; that picture was flawless. I highly doubted there would ever again be the chance to get a picture of Levi sleeping against me in a hideous Christmas sweater. That right there was a once in a lifetime opportunity. So despite the past hour, I still ruled that today had been worth living. 

-x-

We went to Burger King for supper, since we were too lazy to try and actually make anything. We were also too lazy to go anywhere other than Burger King, which is the only reason we went there. Levi once again complained profusely about the french fry quality, even though he ate every single one of his fries. It had even been a large order of them. I ate about half of my burger and the same went for my fries; I was still full from the couple of Christmas cookies that I’d had when Hanji and Mike were over. 

It was cold riding on Levi’s motorcycle in the winter, but I was becoming accustomed to it. It turned out that my suspicions were right; Levi’s bike really was his only mode of transportation. He had to be extremely careful on the snow-covered roads, but I could tell he had become accustomed to winter riding long ago. Our jackets kept us warm against the frigid December air as Levi drove us back to his apartment from Burger King.

A couple hours later, I found myself lying underneath Levi on the couch. He was straddled over me, but despite how it may have seemed, it wasn’t a sexual situation. I’d made it very clear to Levi when we first got together that I wasn’t ready for a physical relationship yet; that allowing myself to engage in an emotional relationship was more than plenty for me to handle at the time. Levi promised me when we had that talk that he would be patient and wouldn’t pressure me into having sex with him. We wouldn’t have sex until I was completely ready, and that was that.

He had accepted it without hesitation, and that meant a lot. I could tell that he had to consciously hold himself back; his hand had traveled dangerously close to the waistband of my pants on more than one occasion. He always caught himself before I had to say anything, though. 

Tonight Levi was in a particularly affectionate mood; he had taken to kissing me wherever he could. He started with my lips, and I returned the kiss wholeheartedly. He had his arms strewn lazily over my shoulders and mine had a firm grip on his back. His hair tickled my forehead as our lips moved against each other. He still had on his black shirt and I still had on my blue and black hoodie. I could taste the remnants of Levi’s most recent cigarette on his soft lips, which was a common occurrence. I’d never been much of a smoker but I didn’t mind that Levi always tasted like cigarette; it was a part of the flavor that made him Levi. 

Levi didn’t linger on my lips all that long; he had made it his mission to kiss every square inch of skin that he could possibly have access to. Some of his kisses were so light that I wasn’t sure his lips had even connected to my skin. It felt absolutely amazing to have Levi’s lips travel everywhere they could reach and I let my eyes flutter shut, allowing myself to focus completely on Levi’s actions. 

Once he’d finished with my lips, he leaned up and kissed the center of my forehead. I sighed as I felt his lips brush over all of my forehead and then each of my cheeks. He even kissed my nose and the area above my lips; he was nothing if not thorough. I felt my heart flutter with each movement that he made; my mind was far away from all of the dark thoughts that plagued my mind so brutally often. I was lost in the moment and it was wonderful. 

Levi had kissed me countless times before, but that night was so much more memorable than all the others. I let my eyes open slightly so that I could get a glimpse of Levi. He was completely absorbed in his work; I could tell by the passion that lit up his eyes as he continued his display of affection. He had gone over my whole jawline and was moving on to my neck. Once I felt the first kiss on my neck, my eyelids fluttered shut again and I bit my lip to keep from making any noise; my neck was ridiculously sensitive and was by far one of my favorite spots to have attention paid to. I tightened my grip around his back as his lips traveled slowly over the flesh of my neck. 

He took notice of my movement. “God, I love you so much.” He breathed against my neck. That was the first time that he’d outwardly said that he loved me, but he hadn’t been addressing me when he said it. It was stated as a fact, not as a direct confession of love. He didn’t need to tell me that he loved me all the time; I already knew how much he cared for me. He made that perfectly obvious by the way he looked at me both when he knew I was looking and when he didn’t. 

Once Levi was done with my neck, he’d run out of places to claim with his mouth. He took his arms away from my shoulders and pried my own arms from around his back. I was reluctant to let go, but I let my arms fall to rest at my sides, awaiting Levi’s next move. He unzipped my hoodie and pushed it off of my shoulders so that it would fall away from me. I didn’t move as he pulled my hoodie off of me completely and tossed it onto the floor beside the couch. He then grabbed the base of my t-shirt and started to lift it up. He motioned for me to cooperate and raise my arms up so that he could easily slip the shirt up over my head. I obliged. 

“Much better.” He whispered; instead of throwing his arms carelessly over my shoulders like before, he wrapped his arms around my waist. He then leaned forward and resumed his work, starting at my collarbones and then down to my chest. I tangled my hands in his hair, feeling its smoothness underneath the tips of my fingers as he moved on to my stomach. Ecstasy filled my body wherever Levi’s lips had connected to my skin. 

But then he grabbed one of my arms so that he could kiss it just as thoroughly as he had done everywhere else thus far. A sudden fleeting wave of shame and embarrassment crashed into me and I instinctually jerked my arm out of his grasp. I crossed my arms and attempted to hide my marks of self-mutilation from Levi’s sight; it didn’t matter that he’d already seen them on plenty of occasions. Levi was forced to snap out of his passion-ridden trance and he gave me a look of confusion. 

“Eren…? What’s wrong?” 

“Don’t touch my arms. They’re fucking hideous. I’m fucking hideous. These fucking cuts and scars are fucking hideous.” It was just like when I’d seen them the first time I was at Levi’s apartment; the reality of them crashed down around me. The fact that I’d have to live with them forever was a cruel realization; even if I did stop being so cruel to myself, my scars would always be around to remind me of the darkness that has made its dwelling in my soul. 

Levi sighed heavily before adjusting his position so that he was sitting up straight; he was still straddling my lap. He looked into my eyes and I tried to turn my head away; remembering the state of my arms had sent me into the familiar downward spiral of self-loathing I was so accustomed to. I was trapped in a whirlwind of fleeting emotions that I couldn’t even understand. Anger, sadness, despair; it was all lost on me in that moment. All I knew was that I was there, Levi was there, and that our romantic moment had met its bitter end. Reality was a bitch. 

He softly put his hand to my cheek, willing me to return my gaze to him. 

“Will you listen to what I have to say?” He asked in the soft, soothing tone he often took when trying to comfort me. I gave a tiny nod, which was all he needed to continue on.

“I’m not going to lie to you and say that your scars are beautiful. Because they’re not. No mark created by your own hand in a moment of such horrible desperation could possibly be considered beautiful. Self-harm is a wretched concept, and I know that. I know how hard it is to wake up when the first thing you see in the morning are your own regrets translated into physical form. But just because what covers your arms isn’t lovely doesn’t mean that you aren’t. 

Your scars are a part of you and that won’t change; it’s a sad truth but is nonetheless a truth. You are not your scars; they do not have to define you. Scars were once open wounds; scars mean that you’ve healed. I know that probably doesn’t make you feel better, because it’s still all so god-awful. But it’s still important to mention.” He paused before he continued on; he’d been gathering his thoughts. 

I’m not trying to kiss your arms for the sake of paying extra attention to your scars; I’m kissing your arms because they’re a part of you, and I’m in love with you. Because I care about you and I love you, Eren. You mean the world to me. I just want to show you affection and for it to make you happy; I want to make you happy. That’s what I want. I want you to be able to let me kiss your arms without being ashamed of what covers them. Your scars don’t deter me, and they never will. I love you, Eren. I really, really do.” 

I wanted to cry. I really did. I didn’t deserve Levi at all. I didn’t deserve somebody who cared about me so goddamn much; somebody who made my happiness their priority. But here he was. To him, the horrid state of my own body wasn’t a concern; he would love me no matter how awful my scars became. And there was no denying that I loved him back. But I was afraid that he’d gotten himself into a losing battle. I had him in my life and that helped everything a thousand fold, but I knew in my heart that my troubles were incredibly far from over. Pushing the foreboding to the back of my mind, I focused my attention back to the situation at hand. 

A large part of my mind screamed at me to flee, to just remove myself from the situation and go sit in a desolate corner with my own scars for company. But I forced myself to stay rooted in place. I tried to come up with a response for Levi, but I had nothing. His words of comfort always left me speechless. 

After it was completely apparent that I was only able to stare at Levi, unable to come up with a response, Levi took hold of my hand with one of his. He raised it up to his lips and kissed the very tip of one of my fingers. He placed another kiss right above where he had just placed his lips. He did the same for all five fingers, and he moved on to my hand itself. When he made it to my wrist, he stopped. 

“Can I continue on?” He asked; he was asking for permission to fulfill his desire to kiss me everywhere his lips could reach (above the waist, mind you). I nodded; hesitant, but still sure enough to let Levi know that I was letting him. 

Much to my contentment, he didn’t pay special attention to my scars; his lips lingered on the stretches of skin riddled with scar tissue no longer than they did anywhere else his lips had visited. I closed my eyes and focused on every single kiss that Levi laid on my arms. I let my arm lay slack so that Levi could position it however he pleased. I was calming down and once again felt the relaxed bliss slowly flow through my veins as Levi kissed me over and over. Since he was proceeding as if my scars were nonexistent, it was easier to let myself be distracted by Levi. 

Eventually, Levi was finished. He announced his completion with a kiss to my lips; he was ending it the way that it had started. He moved so that he was lying right on top of me instead of straddling me; I had also slumped down into a laying position on the couch, instead of sitting up like I had been before. He put his head against my chest and I instinctively put my arms around his still-clothed back. Since his head was facing sideways, I could feel the cool metal of his earrings on my chest. 

“Did you take what I said to heart?” He asked after a few minutes of lying peacefully together.

“Yeah, I did.” I was telling the truth; I always took whatever he said to heart. “Thanks, by the way.”

“No need to thank me.”

“Yeah, there is. Thank you for being the light at the end of the pitch black tunnel I’ve been wandering in for so long.” He lifted his head from my chest so that he could look at me properly.

“Again, you don’t need to thank me. You’re the light in my tunnel, too, you know.”

“What?”

“I’m happy to be alive but I’ll be honest with you, I’ve always had a hard time finding much reason to live. It’s just always seemed pretty pointless.” 

“You didn’t really tell me that.”

"It’s not important. You’re the one who needs support, Eren. Not me.”

“Still.”

“Don’t worry yourself over it.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No. You shouldn’t be.” Levi grabbed one of the flyaway strands of my hair and twirled it with his finger before releasing it. I sighed and took his word for it; if he said there was no cause for worry then there was no cause for worry. The worst of his storm was over years ago, anyways. I let him distract me as he started playing with all of my hair, instead of just the one flyaway. It was almost painful to look into his eyes and see exactly how in love with me he was; he was standing on his two feet and I could barely get up onto my knees. The fact that he was in love with me was still (and probably always would be) hard to believe. I tried to keep my mind at bay so that I wouldn’t ruin the mood again. As a result, I pulled him back to me as close as I could and for once I was the one to initiate the kiss. I rarely ever did; Levi always took initiative before I even had the chance. He was caught by surprise but he relaxed into the kiss almost immediately. 

When the kiss was over, Levi looked at the clock and said that we should go to bed; he was tired and apparently didn’t feel like falling asleep on the couch. I didn’t bother with putting my shirt back on; normally at his house I slept in thin long-sleeved shirts, but I didn’t feel the need to tonight. Levi said I didn’t have to be ashamed of my scars being visible to his eyes, so I would try not to be. For Levi, I would try anything, really. 

Once we stepped into his bedroom, he stripped himself of his own shirt. I caught my eyes fall on Levi’s scars immediately after the fabric that covered them was gone. I didn’t mean to; it was an automatic reaction. I felt like a hypocrite; I didn’t want him focusing on my own scars but I always stared at his whenever I got the chance. He didn’t catch me, though, or if he did, he didn’t show it. I sheepishly strode over to Levi’s dresser and grabbed a pair of my own pajamas pants from one of the drawers; it was easier to just keep a few clothes there instead of hauling a bag back and forth every weekend. 

I turned on the TV because I wasn’t ready to sleep yet; Levi settled down immediately beside me and closed his eyes. He was turned away from me, so I didn’t get to his subtle descent into slumber. I watched some show that I’d never heard of because I was too lazy to find the remote (I had turned the TV on by the button on the TV itself) and change it. About an hour into the show (there was a marathon of it on, I discovered), I heard rustling beside me and found that Levi had turned himself over. I watched him sleep; his chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm and I found myself mesmerized by it. His fair fell over his face, obscuring one of his eyes from view. I reached out to move the hair away so that I could see his whole face. 

At one point, Levi’s brow furrowed and he grimaced. He twitched a couple of times and I realized that he was having a nightmare. It must have been mild, though, because his face eventually relaxed and his face returned to its peaceful state. I wondered what he’d been dreaming about. I scooted closer to him snuggled into him for the night. I didn’t turn the TV off; for one, that would have meant getting up and two, Levi didn’t mind that I slept with the TV on all the time. As he unconsciously attempted to get his body closer to mine, I felt a smile upturn the corners of my mouth. It had been a pleasant day despite the couple of blemishes, both of which were attributed to my emotional fragility. Even so, Levi hadn’t given up with me and did his best to make sure the day was a good one for me; he’d succeeded in making that happen. 

I’d never said the words out loud before, and it would probably still be a bit before I managed to say them to Levi’s face. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t know how. And so I nestled my face into Levi’s soft midnight black hair and whispered, “I love you too, Levi.”

-x-

Christmas day itself started out uneventful. Dad had managed to keep himself sober for the day, so it didn’t suck as bad as it damn well could have. Somehow we’d all been in a silent agreement not to exchange presents; there was no room for holiday cheer in that fucking house. It didn’t even feel like Christmas; the only way that I knew for sure that it was actually Christmas was the fact that I’d go to Levi’s in the mid-afternoon and then spend pretty much all of break at his apartment. Mom had come out of her room for once to make us all a nice meal, and it would have been enjoyable if we all actually talked over Christmas dinner like we used to. Mikasa and I sat side by side, silently eating our meal as quickly as we could manage to so that we could get the fuck out of there. 

She planned on visiting Annie around the same time that I’d leave to go see Levi, so neither of us would have to endure the uncomfortable silence in the house all day. Dad refused to even look at me, which was fine by me. Fucking bastard. Mom tried to spark conversation but it died just as soon as it had started. 

When I got back into my room to pack up my stuff for the week, I noticed that I’d left my nightstand drawer open a bit. It wasn’t uncommon; I’d forget to close it while in the midst of my self-destructive distractions. I strode over to the drawer and I tried to quickly close it, but the contents that cluttered the inside caught my attention. All of my familiar belongings that had become so hauntingly important to me after Armin died. I picked up one of the razor blades at the top of the item pile and turned it over very slowly in my fingers several times, realizing that my last cut had been over two weeks ago already. With dad’s temporary abstinence from alcohol and a lot of time spent with Levi, I had managed to keep the urges at bay enough to not submit to them. 

How ironically cruel that I would desire to reward myself for my lack of cutting with cutting. What horridly flawed reasoning that was. I didn’t care. I didn’t give a shit. All I had to do was think of the fact that I’ll always be at fault for Armin’s death, and all happiness was sucked right out of me. I wasn’t even totally aware of my own actions; all of a sudden a drop of blood fell away from my body and left a small, round stain on the white carpet of my floor. With wide eyes, I realized that I’d dragged the blade crudely across my skin without a second thought. I hadn’t controlled it; it had just happened. I didn’t even remember pulling up my goddamn sleeve. Another cut. Another one. The final result was five large cuts that were definitely up there in depth. 

I really was a monster. 

Shaking, I tossed the blade back into the drawer and slammed it shut. Merry Christmas, Levi, you get to see my arm later, I’m sure. I was sickened by the jagged fissure that had just opened along my arm that cried a river of crimson tears, and decided to bandage it up so I didn’t have to look at it. Doing so would spare Levi from the sight as well. 

I numbly made my way to the bathroom; I’d been wearing my blue and black sweatshirt and I pulled the sleeves down so that I could make it to the bathroom and it got soaked with blood in the process. I’d wash it when I got back from Christmas break; I couldn’t be bothered to throw in a load of laundry when I was going to be leaving in less than an hour. I closed the bathroom door and bent down to fetch the first-aid kit from underneath the sink. I grabbed the roll of gauze and wrapped it unskillfully around the area of my arm that I had wounded; at least I’d kept them all relatively clustered together. Go me. 

Once I had the gauze secured in place, I examined my handiwork. It sucked, but at least the cuts were covered. They’d probably bleed through by the time I was ready to leave the house, though. I made a note to myself to check them before I left in case they needed to be changed; I got the feeling they would, since I hadn’t done anything to help stop the bleeding before bandaging my arm up. 

I went back to my room and this time, I actually grabbed a light green duffel bag from my closet and started gathering up everything I needed. The first thing I grabbed was a small, wrapped present addressed to Levi; since horror movies had pretty much been our thing from the get-go, I’d picked one out that had just come out on DVD to give to Levi as a present. I was satisfied with my choice, because other than that, I would have had absolutely zero clues about what to get him. It was wrapped with some reindeer-patterned paper that I’d found in the way back of one of the hallways closets. We didn’t have any tags, so I’d had to write directly on the package with a sharpie. I wasn’t great at wrapping presents, but it was presentable. 

After packing up my clothes and shit, I thought about anything else I might need. I couldn’t think of anything other than toiletries, so after putting on a fresh sweatshirt (my slay titans one) and throwing the blood-stained one on the floor, I made my way back to the bathroom. I brought my duffel bag with me and dropped the contents of the sink into the bag; my toothbrush, deodorant, and whatever else. I lifted the sleeve of my sweatshirt and examined the bandaging; I’d been one hundred percent correct and the gauze was more red than white. I took the tape that had been holding it together off and pried the gauze away from my skin; it had been pressed firmly up against the still-bleeding wounds. The wounds reopened in places after the gauze was separated from them, and I grabbed a cloth to press up against them to help them stop bleeding before bandaging them once more.

Once that was taken care of, I texted Levi and asked if he were ready for me to come over. For once, he was letting me take myself there; he wasn’t picking me up. Since I was going to be there for more than just a day or two, we decided I may as well have my car there if I needed it. I hadn’t told my parents my plans, so mom asked me where I was going when I hurriedly passed through the living room, bag in tow. Dad sat on the couch, ignoring my presence, as usual. I would take a dad who ignored me over one who beat the shit out of me any day. I told mom I was going to spend some time with a friend and I’d let her know when I was coming back; she told me to be safe and have a good time. I told her I would as I escaped the awfully uncomfortable house. 

I tossed my bag into the passenger’s side of the car and grabbed my snow scraper from the backseat of my car; there was a fresh blanket of snow covering my vehicle. I wore a black pair of gloves, so at least my hands didn’t get covered in snow as I wiped it all off of my car. Once I was in the car, I turned on the heat as soon as the car started. I watched my breath swirl around me in a visible cloud before my car was properly heated. I was happy that I could spend a majority of my Christmas with Levi; it’d be better than last Christmas, when I had kept myself locked in my room and refused to come out. I’d spent Christmas with my razor blades and a bottle of vodka, drowning and cutting away my sorrows until I passed out on my floor. 

Levi had been waiting for me; the door to his apartment opened damn near immediately after I knocked. He was wearing a black and white horizontally striped sweater that was a size too big for him over a pair of black jeans; it was really adorable, actually. I’d never seen that particular sweater before, which made it even better. 

He leaned up onto his tiptoes and gave me a kiss on the lips as a greeting before backing up so that I could walk into the apartment instead of stand in the doorway. Levi shut the door behind me and I set my duffel bag on the kitchen table. I opened the bag and pulled out Levi’s present; when I turned around, he also had a present in hand. It was wrapped with simple shiny silver and blue wrapping paper and had a big white bow on it, although the package itself was small. Actually, it was the exact size and shape as my present to him; his wrapping job, however, as much nicer than mine had been.

“Merry Christmas.” Levi said as we exchanged presents. 

“Merry Christmas.” I mirrored, motioning for him to open his first. He cleanly tore the wrapping paper off of the DVD and as he examined the movie, a peculiar expression crossed his face. 

“Did you already see it?” I asked, wanting to know why he had such an odd reaction to the present. There was no reason for him not to like it; it had been a fail-safe. 

“No, no. It’s not that. Just…open your present, alright?”

I ripped the wrapping paper off of the present to find myself staring at the movie that I’d bought for Levi. Of all the things we could have possibly bought for each other, we bought the same goddamn thing. I laughed; of course that would fucking happen. Levi cracked a grin himself as we both held our new copies of the same movie. 

“Well, you have decent taste, Eren.” Levi said.

“The same can be said for you. In any case, thank you.”

“Ah, yeah, you’re welcome. Oh, and thank you, too.”

“It’s nothing. I couldn’t think of anything else to get you. You’re hard to shop for.” I replied.

“…We have no reason to have more than one copy of this movie.”

“Nope.”

“Wanna go to take one back tomorrow? Then we can get another movie to watch.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Alright. Now that our odd present exchange bit is over, do you want eggnog?” 

“You like eggnog?”

“You act surprised every time that I like something.”

“That’s because you look like you hate literally everything.”

“Do you want the fucking eggnog or not?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“Do I get the spiked version?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m kidding. Yeah, of course you can. I’m not that lame.”

“Actually, you are that lame, just maybe not with that.”

“You’re one step away from the non-alcoholic version.”

“Oh, whatever.” I said, and Levi got out the batch of eggnog that he probably made earlier in the day. He also got out bottles of Bourbon and Spiced Rum. He poured two glasses and handed one to me.

“Here, now don’t make me regret this.”

“Hey, now. I’ve never been around you while you’re drunk, either.”

“Who said we’re getting drunk?”

“You mean to say we’re not?”

“Touché.”

Levi had his TV on a station that dedicated all of Christmas day to only playing Christmas carols; we’d seen our share of Christmas movies already with Hanji and Mike over the past week so we didn’t feel like watching more of those. We snuggled together on the couch; I lay on his lap. We talked about anything and everything we could think of as pleasant warmth spread throughout my body; the booze in the eggnog was starting to take its effect. We made our way through quite a bit of the eggnog, and Levi himself had loosened up as well. As Levi finished off another glass, an idea struck me.

“Hey. You should sing to one of the songs. On the TV.” I said, looking up at him with pleading eyes. I was sure he’d say no, but much to my surprise, he obliged. His speech was slightly slurred, but I wasn’t one to judge right then; my own words were slightly slurred together as well. 

“Depends on the next song and if I know it.”

The next song turned out to be good old We Wish You a Merry Christmas, so of course, Levi knew it.

I had honestly not expected what I received while listening to Levi sing. His singing voice was perfect; it was even smoother than his normal voice. I stared at him in awe as he sang along with the cheery voices emanating from the TV. I may have been a bit drunk, but I wasn’t drunk enough to mistake a bad singing voice for a good one. When the song finished, I clapped and grinned at him. Because good lord, my boyfriend could sing.

“You didn’t tell me you could sing!” I exclaimed, reaching up and touching his face affectionately.

“I’m not great, but thank you, honey.” Fun fact: Levi is overly fond of pet names when under the influence of a fair amount of alcohol. As if he wasn’t great enough as it was. 

Normally when I’m drunk, it’s a terrible, self-loathing situation that ends in me passing out on the floor all alone in my room. But with Levi, it was a lot of fun. We didn’t get drunk enough to pass out against our will or anything; just enough for us to abandon all worry and enjoy our first Christmas together. The next time Levi got up to refill his glass (I asked him to refill mine as well), he stumbled and almost fell. He regained his balance, though, and kept on like nothing happened.

“I saw that.” I said.

“Oi, shut the fuck up.” He replied, not even looking back at me. Typical Levi. 

We both grew tired around the same time, and neither of us could be bothered to get up and move to the bedroom. There was barely enough room on the couch, but we managed to lie side by side with our bodies pressed up against each other. We still had all of our clothing on, so Levi didn’t get the chance to see my mistake from earlier in the day, and I had forgotten about it in my time drinking with Levi. He grabbed my face with one hand entwined his other in my hair. The kiss was sloppy but enjoyable, and we were both breathless by the time we pulled away. 

“Hey, Levi.” I whispered.

“Yeah, sweetie?” 

“Merry Christmasss.” 

Levi smiled. “You too, Eren.”

It had been a merry Christmas, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much to say other than I had a mighty need for Christmas sweaters to be involved, and that's that.


	11. Christmas Time (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of Eren and Levi's Christmas break together.  
> Let all of the whirlwinds of sudden emotional outbursts begin.

When I woke up on the morning after Christmas, the first thing I noticed was the heat. We’d had the heat cranked up pretty high last night, apparently. Both of us were still fully-clothed in our sweaters and jeans and even socks; no wonder I was hot. Between the layers, the cranked-up thermostat, and my proximity to Levi, of course I wasn’t cold. Levi and I were lying side by side on the couch, which is interesting when the couch is just a bit too small for such things. Our legs were tightly intertwined, more so than usual. I was facing away from Levi; he was holding me from behind. 

My position allowed me to take in my surroundings and examine the scene. The TV was still on; apparently the station that had played Christmas music yesterday typically played classical music. All of the lights in the apartment were still on. I cast my eyes onto the floor beside the couch to see two half-filled glasses of last night’s eggnog; one of them had tipped over and spilled its contents unceremoniously onto the carpet. Levi was guaranteed to have a fit when he woke up and noticed the spill, even though the color of eggnog pretty much matched the color of his apartment’s carpet. The Christmas tree stood proudly in the corner of the room, still fully lit. 

I shifted my position in preparation of getting up; a blast of pain shot through my arm when I moved it. Memories of yesterday afternoon came flooding back in a single painful rush; I’d lost it and cut myself up for the first time in over two weeks. It wasn’t a tiny little cut, either; they were five of the deepest cuts I’d done thus far. My lack of control terrified me, to be quite honest. I probably should have told Levi about them so he didn’t discover them the hard way, but when he stirred beside me and sat up, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. 

He yawned as he said, “Good morning.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his temple before muttering, “I have a headache.” 

“Take some ibuprofen.” I replied, slightly irritated as pain lit up my arm whenever it moved. 

“Get your ass off the couch, then. I’m not going to crawl over you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to take a shower, alright?”

“Sure, go ahead. Let me grab the ibuprofen and shit from the bathroom first, though.” 

I got off of the couch and went to the kitchen; I needed a set of clothes to change into for the day. Levi was returning to the living room when I passed by, bundle of clothes and toiletries gathered in my arms. 

“Better not have too much fun in there, kid.” Levi teased as he sat back down on the couch, popping a couple of the little reddish-brown pills into his mouth. 

“You’re hilarious.” I rolled my eyes at him.

I made it into the bathroom and locked the door behind me (force of habit, otherwise I wouldn’t have). I set my clothes down and stripped myself of my sweatshirt. My gauze dressing over my wounds wouldn’t last worth shit in the shower, so I reluctantly pulled it off and tossed it in the little garbage can beside the sink. I tried to avoid looking at them but I couldn’t keep my eyes away; they fell on the bright red slashes and I couldn’t tear my gaze away. Regret. That’s what I felt as I examined every attribute of the five cuts. I bit my lip and forced my eyes away so that I could actually get into the shower. I turned the handle as far as it would go and stripped myself of the rest of my clothes.

The water felt like it was melting my skin as the scorching droplets rained down on me. It’d been a while since I’d set the water so hot; my fresh cuts burned and it hurt a lot. But I didn’t mind the pain one bit. Pain was easy to understand and it was far preferable to any emotion. Levi felt far away as I stood in the shower, barely making the effort to wash body and my hair. He could help me in so many ways but while in the shower, I was unreachable. I was in my own little world, and it wasn’t a happy one.

After a lengthy shower that probably wasted a fair amount of Levi’s hot water, I turned off the water and stepped out of the stall. I dried myself off with a fluffy red towel and took my time in getting dressed. I debated whether or not I should bandage my arm back up. The wounds looked like they were still in danger of opening up if irritated so much, so after a moment of thought I knelt down and dug around underneath the sink in the hopes of finding a first-aid kit. 

I found one shoved way in the back, and I pulled it out. It was a small one; one that could be easily transported damn near anywhere without drawing attention to itself. There was plenty of medical shit shoved into the small box and I had no issues finding a roll of gauze and tape to keep it together. I needed something to cut the gauze with, so I continued digging around in the kit. My hand landed on a small box, and I furrowed my brow in confusion; I had no clue what it would be as far as medical supplies go. 

I shook the box free from where it was buried among the other tightly-packed supplies; a box of razor blades sat in the palm of my hand. I could tell the box had been opened before and while the razors were all clean and shiny enough to be brand new, it was obvious they’d been used plenty of times before. Levi must have cleaned them often; he had been a clean freak even in his self-destructive days, and it made me sad to imagine Levi vigorously scrubbing the blood-dirtied surface of the blades. I guess I had just assumed that he would have gotten rid of his tools when he stopped, so the appearance of the blades caught me off-guard. 

…Unless he hadn’t gotten rid of them because he still used them?

No. Levi had assured me countless times that he was completely over that. I had to trust him.  
Although, I’d never seen his legs or thighs. His typical dark-colored jeans could hide anything. 

Fuck. Wait. Trust him. He would tell me if he wasn’t okay. He just forgot to throw out a set of blades. It wasn’t a big deal. He was totally fine. I trusted him completely.

I uneasily put the blades back in their deadly little box and shoved it back underneath the other objects littering the first-aid kit. I’d spent far too long in the bathroom; Levi would start to wonder what the fuck I was doing if I didn’t get my ass out of there soon. I hastily wrapped the gauze around my arm and secured it in place before tossing the kit back into its former spot in the back of the cabinet. I pulled my sleeve down and stood up so that I could join Levi back in the living room. I took a minute to compose myself; I didn’t want it written all over my face that my shower time had not been a pleasant one.

As soon as I appeared in the living room, Levi spoke.

“Didn’t take my advice, did you?”

“You’re a comedic genius.”

“Well, really. That took you for-fucking-ever, so what were you even doing?”

“I don’t even know. I just took my time, I guess.” I replied nonchalantly; I thought I could see a tiny hint of skepticism in Levi’s gaze, but I could have just imagined it out of paranoia over him figuring out my situation. 

“Are you ready to head on over to Target so we can get a new movie? I want to get it over with so we can just lie around the rest of the day.”

“Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go.” I grabbed my jacket from the coat rack that stood off to the side of the front door and put it on. Levi followed behind me, pulling on his leather jacket as he reached for the keys to his motorcycle. 

“Hey. You should let me drive for once. It’s cold on the motorcycle, anyways.”

Levi paused and stopped to think, so he didn’t respond right away. After a moment, he said, “Sure, why not. Don’t kill me, though.”

“Your confidence in me is astounding as always.”

“I aim to please.” I let our typical sarcasm-ridden exchange distract me from my worry over the possibility of Levi still hurting himself. It wasn’t a possibility, even. My mind was just going into overdrive over something stupid, as usual.

I grabbed my own set of keys from the kitchen counter and we started on the short journey out of the apartment and into my car; Levi took my hand once I locked up the apartment and started walking. I had on my black gloves and he had on a grey pair, so I couldn’t feel the pleasing warmth of his hand connected to mine. Even so, it was still nice to hold hands with him. I realized that it was the first time we’d actually held hands, and I couldn’t keep myself from grinning slightly as Levi continued looking straight ahead with his typical emotionless expression settled over his face. It was endearing how he liked to pretend such things weren’t actually happening for the first time. We walked hand in hand until we reached my car.

Levi pulled his hand away from mine when I was directly in front of the driver’s side door and grudgingly trudged over to the passenger side. Obviously, he hated the fact that he’d given in to me and let me be the driver for the very first time. Christ. It was like he thought if he wasn’t in control of the car that we would legitimately die.

…I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

I sank down heavily into the seat before I fell onto it involuntarily and turned to face Levi.

“I changed my mind. You drive. Here. Take my keys.” I said, outstretching my arm towards him, keys dangling off the tips of my fingers.

“No. I said you could drive.”

“You trust me to drive us? You really do?”

“Of course I trust you, dipshit.”

“But…”

“But what?”

“…Armin.” That was more than enough of an explanation for Levi; his head whipped around and he stared at me, mouth open slightly in surprise. He hadn’t even thought of it until I mentioned it, which was actually comforting in a way.

“Oh, god, Eren, that’s not what I was thinking at all. No, I just hate being the passenger. Obsession with control, you know?” 

“Yeah, I understand. It’s okay. I’m just still scared, I guess.” My voice shook and I had trouble getting the key into the ignition properly. After three failed attempts, I felt a hand fall to rest lightly on my shoulder. It gave a reassuring squeeze and I hung my head to keep Levi from seeing my face. I wasn’t entirely sure what it looked like, but I’m sure it was twisted in pain as I struggled internally about if I could bring myself to drive us or not. I didn’t even know why I offered to drive in the first place, to be quite honest. 

I heard the rustle of Levi shifting position and he moved his hand in favor of brushing the hair away from my face; suddenly his silky lips were pressed gently up against my cheek. 

“It’s okay. I trust you; you can drive. It’ll all be fine, alright?” He said; his warm breath tickled my cheek as he did so. I nodded, still refusing to look up. His hand took hold of my chin and lifted it up so that I would face him.

“Hey, now. Didn’t I say I wanted to get this done with right away so we could lie around the rest of the day?” 

I smiled at him half-heartedly and nodded again. This time when he closed the difference between our faces, his lips connected to my own.  
When he pulled away, he spoke again. “You can do this.” 

And so I stuck the key into the ignition and off we went. I was terrified the entire way. But, for the record, we made it to Target alive. And that was what Levi would likely call a huge victory.

-x-

Levi had, for some reason, insisted we buy a fuck-ton of discounted Christmas sweets; boxes of candy canes and assorted bundles of Christmas-themed candies were scattered on top of five horror movies. Apparently since the after-Christmas sales were so good, we weren’t allowed to pass them up, according to Levi. He paid for everything (because I’m generally allowed to pay for things as often as I’m allowed to drive us places) and we spent the rest of the day lazing about at home, as promised. 

I lay back against Levi, resting the back of my head on his chest. He kept his arms wrapped around me as we made our way through our six brand new movies (counting the present one) with a bowl of popcorn and the pile of sweets Levi bought. I didn’t eat any of the popcorn of my own accord; Levi had taken to pressing a piece of popcorn up against my mouth until I opened it and ate it. If I tried to refuse it, he’d just continue pressing it to my lips until I gave in. Fucker.

One of the movies we bought was quite the disappointment; we spent a fair majority of it engaged in conversation as high-pitched, forced screams emanated from the television. He was still wearing the black and white sweater he’d worn yesterday; I was wearing a plain black hoodie. Black was common in both of our wardrobes, really. I was the first to speak.

“You’re lucky you don’t have to go back to school for almost a month.” I whined; college students got three and a half weeks while high school students only got one measly fucking week. 

“Next year, you’ll get that and I won’t, assuming I have a job at that point. So I don’t want to fucking hear it.” Ah, that’s right. This was his last year of college. He’d be completely done with it before I even started. 

“You old bastard.” 

“That’s it. I’m kicking you out.”

“You threaten that a lot.”

“Because you’re an asshole.”

“I got it from you.”

“Oi, shut up. I’m trying to watch this.”

“No, you’re not. It sucks.”

“It’s so painfully terrible that it’s amusing. So shut up.”

“Hey, you realize we have to take down the tree still, right?”

“What part of lying around all day didn’t you understand?”

“It’s not Christmas anymore, so it’s bugging me that the tree it still up.” That was a lie. I wasn’t bothered in the slightest. It was fun irritating the piss out of Levi, though.

“I swear to god if you don’t shut up right now, I’ll shut you up myself.”

“I’m terrified.”

“You should be.”

“Hey, Levi.”

“What now, Yeager?” 

“We have to work tomorrow night.”

“Yeah. What’s your point?”

“That we should take down the Christmas tree now so we don’t have to think about it before work tomorrow.”

“Shut the fuck up about the goddamn Christmas tree.”

I refused to shut up. We ended up taking down the Christmas tree before watching any more movies. 

-x-

The next night, we both had to work, just like I mentioned to Levi the previous day. It was boring as hell. We were busier than normal, though, so the night passed quickly enough. After what seemed like sixteen hours as opposed to seven, I found my arms wrapped tightly around Levi’s waist as we sped home on his motorcycle in the freezing cold that was five a.m. in late December. We were both exhausted and crawled right into bed fully-clothed; both of us were out damn near immediately after our heads hit the pillows.

The next evening, however, was far more eventful. Neither of us had to work (our shifts work out really conveniently that way most times, thanks to Erwin), but Levi already had a plan for how we were going to spend our time. 

I woke up around two in the afternoon to find that Levi was already awake; I lay facing him and the first thing I saw was him watching me. He liked to watch me sleep; I’d figured that out a long time ago. I had no clue why the sight fascinated him as greatly as it did, but I didn’t mind. I stared at him, willing the tendrils of sleep still clinging onto me to let go so I could actually feel awake. I blinked a couple of times and Levi took that as an indicator that I was awake enough to listen to him.

“Good morning. How did you sleep?” He stroked the side of my face as he asked and I automatically leaned into the touch. 

“Like shit.” I answered honestly; my nightmares seemed to be progressing in intensity these days, despite everything. Not only was Armin a common factor in them, but Levi had been thrown in as well, making every night a living hell in my own dreaming mind. I felt like I hadn’t slept at all when I woke up a lot of the time, but whatever. It happens; I’m used to it. 

“Well, hopefully your day ends up better than last night’s sleep. So, what are your plans for tonight?”

I looked at him incredulously. “What the fuck kind of plans would I have that wouldn’t involve you?”

“You never know. So, I had this whole surprise type thing planned, being the Casanova that I am, but I fucked up a part of it so guess who won’t be surprised tonight?”

“Um. What the fuck are you talking about?” It was too early for his little games or whatever the fuck you could call his bullshit. Well, not really, considering it was mid-afternoon. Still. 

“Hanji’s been on and on about this new restaurant that’s pretty nice but isn’t ridiculously expensive. You don’t have to be some rich asshole to take someone there for the evening.”

“Okay, so?”

“I thought I’d take you there, because I thought you might like it. It just sounded like a place you’d like, I don’t know.”

“So what’s the issue, then?”

“I failed to remember that they have a dress code. Nothing ridiculous; a decent button-down shirt with a pair of khakis should be fine. But I would be willing to bet that you don’t have a nice button-down and pair of khakis in that overly bright duffel bag of yours.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t. But do you even own clothes like that?”

“Of course I do, fuckhead. It’s not like I’ve never needed to wear nice clothes before.”

“You just don’t seem like somebody who would have nice clothes lying around.”

“They’re not lying around, they’re in the closet. We’re straying from the issue at hand, though. Would you still be interested in going out to the restaurant?”

“Like a date?”

“No, as casual business partners.” I rolled my eyes at Levi’s biting sarcasm.

“Levi.”

“Of course like a date, dumbass. That’s typically what they call things like that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure, I’m up for it.” 

“Good. But that means we’d have to stop by your house at some point today, is that okay?”

“I have to go home eventually, anyways.”

“True, but it’s your holiday break. I don’t want you to have a run-in with your dad.”

“As long as he’s still somewhat sober, it won’t be an issue. He just ignores me when he’s not wasted. I’ll text Mikasa and see if she knows the state of his sobriety.” 

“Once you have a response we’ll get going so we can get that over with.”

“I can’t believe you’re taking me out on a date.” I said; I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t lying when I said we weren’t the type to go on dates together. 

“Oi, just because we haven’t yet doesn’t mean we can’t. Do you want to go, or not?”

“I already told you I want to go.” I replied as I climbed out of the bed in an effort to fetch my phone from the living room, where I’d tossed it onto the couch last night after we got home. I texted Mikasa and asked how dad was doing; she replied that she’d barely been home at all during the week, but as far as she knew, he was still keeping his alcohol consumption down. She wasn’t home right then, so there was no way to tell what I’d be walking into when I stopped by to grab clothes. I reported back to Levi and he got out of bed to get ready; I didn’t change my clothes from yesterday but Levi did. What a shock it was to see him in a plain black long-sleeved shirt. I swear it’s what eighty percent of his wardrobe consists of, if not more. 

We were out the door around three; and we arrived at my house about twenty minutes later. He didn’t drop me off a block away like usual and instead pulled right up to the house. I hesitated as I reached out towards the doorknob; I’d been having a really good break with Levi and I didn’t want this short visit to ruin my mood if anything went down. There was no helping it, though. I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to go on a legitimate date with Levi, because it was a rare opportunity. And so I braced myself and took a step into the house, and another. 

All of the lights were off; no one was home. Dad must have been at work and mom must have been at the grocery store. Foreboding tainted the air, however, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something awful was going to go down soon. I told myself I was being idiotic and moved on to the other end of the house where my room was placed. I threw my closet door open and went straight to the back, where my nice clothes were all crudely shoved together. 

I found a light grey-blue button down that had the sleeves rolled up half-way; I rolled the sleeves down immediately after I grabbed it. I also found a pair of khakis in the abyss that was the back of my closet. Once my clothes were gathered in my arms, I hightailed it right out of the house; the atmosphere still felt too heavy for comfort. It was the suffocating humidity before an intense thunderstorm.

I hadn’t realized that I’d been running until I stumbled to a halt in front of Levi’s bike. 

The first words out of his mouth were, “Is your dad home?” Concern was evident in his expression; he’d assumed that I’d been running from dad, which was typically an accurate assumption.

“No. The house feels…odd. Nobody’s home.”

“It’s probably just because you’re used to someone being home all the time. Your mom is stay at home, after all.”

“Yeah, that’s probably it.” I was just being irrational. Levi was right; an empty house was a rare occurrence in my family. 

“You know, it would have been easier to put those in a bag. How do you plan on holding them on the way back?”

“I didn’t think about it, I guess. I’ll go back and grab one.” I replied, willing my feet to propel my unwilling body back into the house. I grabbed a plastic bag from one of the kitchen drawers (we stored a bunch in there) and shoved the clothes inside before hurrying back out of the house. This time, I hopped onto the bike right behind Levi and pulled my helmet on. I kept the bag around my arm as he drove us back home. I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider Levi’s apartment to be my home as opposed to my family’s house. I felt human when I shared Levi’s apartment; I felt like a monster when I wasted my life away in the confines of my own room. 

“Our reservations are for eight ‘o clock, by the way.” Levi noted once we were back at his place.

“You already made reservations?”

“Have you never been to a restaurant more dignified than Arby’s?”

“Not really, actually. We don’t go out to eat often in my family.”

“Oi. Well, it’s actually a requirement for a lot of decent restaurants, because otherwise it’d be hell trying to deal with all the people.”

“Makes sense, I guess.”

A little after seven, Levi announced that he was going to get changed; we would have to leave pretty soon since it took a half hour to get to the restaurant, according to Levi. Once he left for his bedroom, I took my clothes into the bathroom so that I could get dressed, as well. My gauze wrapping hadn’t been changed in two days, and the cuts were on the road to healing, but it was still easy to see how brutally I had carved them into my skin. I decided, for the sake of my own sanity, to bandage them up once more. I was getting better at dressing my own wounds; this bandage was far neater than my other attempts. Satisfied with the job I’d done, I slipped into my clothes that were at least four steps above the apparel I typically chose. 

I passed through the living room and arrived back at the kitchen to find Levi leaning up against the counter with his arms crossed. His shirt was light grey, and he had it tucked into a pair of black pants secured with a black belt. His shoes were black, also. His hair was arranged even more neatly than it typically was, and that was saying something. His eyebrow stud and earrings were still in place, though, which was one of the few part of Levi’s appearance that actually seemed real at the moment. No black long-sleeved shirt, no leather jacket, no dark colored jeans. And he looked fucking fantastic (although he looked just as good in his typical attire, too, because he looked fucking fantastic in everything). 

His attention was one hundred percent on me as I approached him. I’d taken care to tame my hair to the best of my ability, and I don’t think I did too badly. The shoes I wore were light brown, not that anybody was actually paying attention to my feet. Once I was within Levi’s reach, he wrapped his arms around my waist and he looked up slightly so that he could look directly at my face.

“You look amazing.” 

“You look better than I do.” I replied, leaning down to kiss him before we set off for our first actual date. 

“I refuse to believe that.” He said as he grabbed my own car keys and tossed them to me. Once they landed in the palm of my outstretched hand, he spoke again. “It’d be a shame if you messed up your hair with your helmet.” I got the feeling he was more concerned about the status of his own hair, to be quite honest. 

“Yeah, yeah. You just want to go there and get wasted.”

“Hey, now. I wouldn’t do that without you, and you’re not the legal drinking age yet, you little shit.” 

“We’ll see if you change your mind when you actually have booze in your hand.” 

“We have to get going if we want to make our reservations on time.” Levi noted, ignoring my last statement. We pulled our jackets on (Levi’s nice pants clashed with his leather jacket and it made for quite the interesting sight) and set out for the restaurant. Pleasant warmth resonated through the car when I cranked up the heating system; since our destination was more than just a few minutes away, it was worth it. Levi was my guide and told me the directions as we went until a half-hour later, I pulled the car into the parking lot of what definitely did appear to be a fairly nice restaurant. It turned out to be an Italian place.

Since it was new, it was still popular, and I quickly discovered why they required reservations. Even though it was Wednesday night, the place was packed full. A cheery young waitress showed us to our seats and offered us drinks; Levi got wine and I got a fucking pepsi. Because eighteen isn’t old enough to get booze in public, as horridly irritating as it is. I glared at Levi as he took the smuggest sip of wine that I’ve ever seen a human take. 

“Yeah, fuck you too.” I said as he raised the glass to his lips a second time, winking at me in the process.

“Fuck isn’t much of a romantic word, now is it?” He replied in mock-innocence after the second sip of wine was swallowed. I was glaring at him when the waitress came back, ready to take our food order.

“Do you guys know what you want?” Actually, I had no clue what I wanted to order. I’d barely even looked over the menu.

“I’ll take the seafood alfredo.” Levi told the waitress, and she nodded before turning to me. 

“How about you, sweetie?” I figured her to be in her mid to late thirties, I decided after getting a closer look at her than I had before when she seated us. 

“Um. I’ll have the same thing.” I said, for lack of a better option. Not that it sounded all that bad, because it didn’t. 

“Alright, I’ll be out with that as soon as it’s ready!” The waitress took our menus and set off with a step that was more of a bounce than anything. I wondered why she was so happy. Seriously, how do people manage to keep that much spring in their step? 

I scanned my eyes around the room. The ceiling lights were on the dimmest setting; each table was primarily lit by its own individual lamp; ours had a colorful stained-glass type look to it. Various paintings were hung on the walls, and of course they all had Italian influence in them. There were only two tables that I could see that were vacant; the rest were filled up by couples and some were filled by large groups of friends who spent more time laughing and joking amongst themselves than eating. I wondered what it was like to be in a big group of friends like that. I decided that I was more than fine being the second occupant to Levi’s table; there was no one else I would ever prefer to spend my time with. I returned my gaze to find Levi sipping the last of the wine from his glass.

“Hm. I’ll be honest; I thought that would have lasted longer.” He said thoughtfully, tracing his finger over the rim of the glass. 

“Hey, I don’t know how to get home by myself, so don’t get drunk off your ass. I don’t need us getting lost.”

“I know, I know. I’ll only get one more glass so I have something to drink with my food.”

“Good.” I said.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Levi asked.

“Yeah, I am. This place is pretty nice.” 

“Good. I think I still prefer huddling together on the couch and watching movies, though.” He admitted, and I smiled. 

“I’ll have to agree with you there. We have time for that when we get home. This is still nice, I think.” 

“I agree. Even if I’m out of wine.”

“Shut the fuck up, some of us don’t even get wine.”

“Guess you’re SOL then, kid.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” I glanced over Levi again, enjoying the sight of him in clothes that were far more formal than his typical choice in attire. 

“You should dress like that more often.” I said.

“Only if you do.”

“You look ridiculously good in button-downs.”

“You look better.”

“Bullshit, Levi.” 

“Bullshit, Levi.” He mimicked, mocking me. His impersonation of me was quite offensive, actually.

After about twenty minutes, the waitress reappeared with two plates in her hands. She set one down in front of me and one in front of Levi and then asked if we needed anything else; Levi asked for his second glass of wine. We ate our food in near silence, pausing only to say some offhand comment we’d thought of while eating. Levi ate progressively faster than I did, and even when I was done, only half of my food was gone. 

“You’re not going to eat anymore?” Levi asked as I set my fork down. 

“No, I’m full.” I said, and I wasn’t lying. I was used to small meals, and restaurant proportions were far more than I typically ate in one sitting. Levi nodded and drank from his fresh wine glass. This time, he shared it with me, allowing me to take a sip here and there. His food was, naturally, completely gone. The waitress brought us our bill and I didn’t even try to snatch it before Levi could; it wasn’t worth the effort. 

“Can you even afford this shit?” I asked as he placed his debit card into the little black bill holder. 

“More than you can.” Was his reply, and I couldn’t provide an argument against it, because it was true. I had less money than he did, but he also had a shit-ton of student loans to worry about. After a minute, when I still hadn’t given a reply, he said, “Besides, this was my idea in the first place.” 

“Thank you for it, by the way. I had a nice time.”

“It’s nothing. I’m glad you enjoyed it.” I could tell that it genuinely did make him happy to hear that I had a good time, and I instinctually reached out my hand to place it over his own. I intertwined my fingers with his own and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back and my heart fluttered; it was as if we’d just gotten together for the first time. This was technically our first date, after all. And as I looked into his eyes that sparked with emotion only when in my presence, I fell for him all over again. I smiled at him and he returned it with a grin of his own, and a tiny voice at the back of my mind reminded me that I was not to be happy. I fought the thought away and returned my attention to my boyfriend. 

In high spirits, we left the restaurant and I drove us back home where we belonged. Once our jackets were off, Levi legitimately picked me up and carried me (With a comment about how light I was) over to the couch. I kept my arms around his neck as he did so, letting him cradle me in his arms until I was set down onto the soft surface of the couch. 

He lovingly stroked my cheek and his feather-light touch caressed my face in the best way. I placed my hand over his similarly to how I had in the restaurant and held his hand to my face as I ran my fingers over the smooth skin of his hand. After a moment, I took hold of his hand and moved it away from my cheek and closer to my mouth; I kissed each of his fingertips before letting his hand go. He leaned forward and his strong arms were suddenly around my waist; a place they often seemed to settle these days. 

He didn’t go straight for my mouth, for once; his lips found their home in the crook of my neck. His lips caressed my neck over and over again, a blissful sigh escaping me after damn near every kiss. He was in no rush, and he took his time in making sure no patch of skin on my neck was left untouched. I entangled my fingers in his hair, reveling in the feeling of his hair underneath my hands. His hands found their way underneath my shirt, and his hands crept up my back, massaging every bit of my back that they could reach. My back arched slightly underneath the pleasant sensation, and he finally found himself ready to move his mouth over to my own.

His lips slid naturally over mine and his tongue flicked against my lips, begging for entrance into my mouth. I parted my lips and his tongue immediately found its place, exploring every crevice of my mouth as I leaned back farther into the couch. His movements matched mine and he was lying on top of me. My tongue slid into his mouth and they fought for dominance; he won, of course, but all that mattered to me was that our mouths stayed connected. His hands remained on my back the whole time.

I needed air eventually, though, and I pulled away from his mouth, breathless. A thin trail of saliva kept us connected for a moment as I regained my breath. While I had been taking a breather, Levi had continued on. He returned to my neck and I decided that I was more than fine with his lips staying there; it felt too good to try and get him to do anything different. I closed my eyes and hadn’t noticed his hands leave my back, and hadn’t noticed as they started undoing the buttons of my shirt. I did notice it at one point, but my mind was clouded over enough to forget about my arm related concerns. I even shifted my body to make it easier for him to remove my shirt from my body completely.

He kissed my now bare collarbone, and since my arms had been lying at my sides since the removal of my grey-blue shirt, I lifted them so they could once again entangle themselves in that beautiful mess of hair. But something had caught his eye, and I felt a hand take hold of my arm. 

The passion was gone from his eyes, replaced with a mixture of confusion and concern as he stared at the mass of gauze covering an impressive chunk of my left arm.

Fuck.

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

My love for Eren grew every single day. I never would have guessed that I would find a single reason that live was truly worth living, and Eren had given me that reason over and over again. I don’t think he realizes that he means just as much to me as I mean to him.

Life had never held much meaning for me, especially after Petra’s death. I could never find any point in life, and I found it difficult to care about anything at all. Petra had been the only light in my life and I’d been positive that I would never find a source of light to illuminate my path ever again. I had lived through everything for a reason, and I do truly believe that Eren is almost all, if not completely all of that reason. His happiness is my happiness and his pain is my own pain, even though I try not to let that show around Eren.

It becomes increasingly difficult to hide my distress at Eren’s pain; he loves me and I love him, there’s no doubt about that. But not even I can protect him from the darkest depths of his own mind, can’t protect him from the demons that refuse him a peaceful night’s rest. I can only do so much for him, and it pains me to think. He tries so hard for my sake, and I wholeheartedly wish I could take away all of his suffering. 

There is no doubt that significant progress has been made; every time he lets me see a genuine smile, my heart hurts in the most pleasant way possible. I’ve noticed that he has less reluctance when it comes to eating, and sometimes I can even get a good two meals out of him in a single day. He’s been mutilating himself less often, too, especially since his father quit drinking. 

Although I hate to say quit, because like Eren’s mentioned before, that fucking bastard wasn’t going to stay sober forever. I dread that day, and all I can do is pray that it comes later as opposed to sooner. Don’t think I haven’t wanted to involve the cops and get his miserable fucking ass arrested; the cops would do us no favors. First of all, the cops fucking hate me because of all of my past incidents, and second; Grisha is one of those impossible men who can talk their way out of anything, even if they’re wasted and the bruised body of their son is lying motionless on the floor a couple feet away from them. The cops around here are as good as useless, and so that option is out. 

Eren is still incredibly fragile, and there has been more than one occasion where I’ve been the cause of the downward spiral in his mood. It can’t be helped; incidents are bound to happen. But I felt like complete and utter shit every time that Eren ended up crying after I said something stupid without thinking about it; he always forgave me, of course, but it was still painful to bear witness to. I tried so hard to protect him, to be his source of happiness; but even I couldn’t keep him happy all the time. He’s a broken individual and I know that he’s not completely ready to be fixed yet; his day will come. I will always do my best to help him reach that point, and I would always follow through with my promise to be here for him no matter what. 

During Christmas break, Eren had been over two weeks clean from cutting, as far as I knew. Perhaps I was regarding myself too highly by developing the belief that he would come to me automatically if the urge struck him or if he gave in. I’d known all along that he wouldn’t let me help him each time; urges are too difficult not to succumb to, sometimes. 

Even so, when I saw a seemingly random patch of white out of the corner of my eye as I busied myself kissing his collarbone, it was impossible to keep the shock from my face. First of all, Eren never bandaged his wounds; the only exception being when he stuck band-aids over his arms before work. That itself was enough to catch me off-guard; another thing to note was the sheer size of the bandage. It wasn’t shielding one single cut. 

He had been hiding his cuts from me. I watched as horror consumed his facial expression and he tried to tear his arm away; what a familiar situation that was. He shrank away from me when I reached out with my other arm to caress him somehow; touch his face, his shoulder, whatever. My instinct was always to try and comfort him. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He repeated the phrase twice, and my heart broke. This was the relapse that he would never have told me about had I not discovered it on my own. Could it even be considered a relapse? He’d never officially decided to try and stop hurting himself. But it didn’t matter, I guess, because whatever it was, he certainly felt like shit about it. He was overwhelmed with guilt every time that he cut himself, that much was evident by the way he spoke each time he told me, but this was a whole new level of misery over his actions. Those were the cuts he truly regretted; the ones that shouldn’t have happened, in his mind. I could tell all of that by the sorrow in his eyes and the way he moved away from me, seeming to hope that he’d just disappear. 

Bitterness and anger that was aimed at himself tainted his voice when he spoke again.

“Great. I ruined another fucking moment. That’s all I do. Every fucking situation is ruined by me and my bullshit.” He spat. 

“Eren.”

He ignored me and his tone shifted yet again into a much more sorrowful, heart-wrenching tone. He didn’t give me any time to expand on my speech; he simply moved on to his next statement. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry, Levi. I was going to. But I just wanted us to have a nice time. For just one week I didn’t want you to have to deal with me and my pathetic lack of self-control. I wanted us to have a happy winter break. I wanted to make you happy and make you proud of me.” Eren’s voice broke and I could tell he was on the verge of tears. I wanted to cry, myself. He’d kept it to himself for my sake. He was protecting me when I wasn’t the one who needed to be protected. 

I did the one thing that I could; I sat up and then pulled Eren onto my lap and held him to me as tightly as I could manage. The feeling of him shaking underneath my arms was all too familiar to me. I rocked him back and forth as I heard the tears start. 

“I’m proud of you, Eren. I’m proud of you every single day, because you’re still alive. I can still hold you in my arms, and I thank whatever god may be out there for that every second of every day.”

Eren allowed himself to bury his face in my chest for a moment, but then he looked up at me with fleeting, tear-filled eyes. 

“I’m hurting you. You promised me that you wouldn’t let me do that. I know I’m hurting you; I saw it in your eyes. Why are you still dealing with me?”

“You’re not hurting me, Eren. I’m just worried about you. I’m always worried about you, because I hate seeing you so upset. I wouldn’t break my promise to you.” 

“I’m sorry.” He choked out. It was unclear what exactly he was apologizing for; knowing him, it was probably for everything he could possibly apologize for. 

“Don’t be. I’m not mad at you. I’ll never be mad at you.” 

He wound his arms around my back and clung to me as I continued rocking us back and forth in a slow, steady motion. Eren’s rapid breathing slowly returned to its typical steady rhythm. 

“I’m sorry for my outburst.” Eren said after quite some time.

“Don’t apologize. You’re human.” I spoke words of truth; we were all human. Humans make mistakes and humans have regrets. Humans are flawed, and it took me a long time to properly come to terms with that. Eren is a human who has walked a darker path than many, just as I have. There was no need for him to apologize, especially as many times as he did. He would apologize no matter what I said, but I still said exactly what I felt.

A stretch of silence lingered for a while and then Eren spoke up again.

“Do the urges ever go away?” He whispered, his head was leaning against my chest again, but facing sideways this time, so I was able to make out exactly what he’d said.

“Do you want me to be honest?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“There are still plenty of days where I want nothing more than to get so high that I don’t even know who I am anymore. To this day, it’s still a battle to keep myself away.”  
Eren’s grip on my back tightened. 

“You never tell me when you’re struggling with that.” 

“Because it’s unimportant. My first concern is you.”

“It’d make me feel better if you’d tell me once in a while when you want to get high.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” 

“Alright, I will.” I replied, and I was being honest; if it would make him feel better to know that years later I still faced strong cravings, then I would let him be aware of it. Whether that would help or harm his fragile state of being, I wasn’t sure. I’d find out soon enough, though.

I didn’t ask to see the wounds on his arm. I knew that they would be deep and that they would be a harsh sight to behold; there was no reason to ask him to remove his protective shield of gauze. I briefly wondered if he’d used my first-aid kit; if he did, there was a chance that he’d seen the razor blades that I just couldn’t let myself get rid of, even if I never used them anymore. He would have said something if he had, though; that’s what I figured, at least. 

I held Eren in my arms for a long time; three hours, at least. Silence filled the air and I discovered that Eren had fallen asleep at some point in time; I was still absentmindedly stroking his hair. My limbs were stiff after sitting in a single position for so long while supporting Eren’s weight on me; I shifted myself so that I could get more comfortable. The action woke Eren, and he lay with his eyes open for several minutes before opening his mouth.

Eren whispered something, and it took me a minute to work out what he’d muttered ever so quietly.

“Thank god you’re around, Levi, because I’d probably be dead right now if you hadn’t come along.”

-x-

Saturday was Eren’s last night with me; he was going home on Sunday evening because his school started back up on Monday morning. With disregard of last night’s incident, I know that Eren genuinely enjoyed himself on his break. He deserved a break from reality more than anyone I know, and I’m happy that I could provide that for him on his holiday break. He’d become such a constant presence in my apartment that it was odd (and extremely disheartening) knowing that he had to leave and return to his hellish reality once again. As long as his dad held out, he shouldn’t be too badly off, but there were still his own personal demons that tormented him constantly. I worried for him, I really was. 

I’d been sleeping against Eren, encompassing him in the protection of my own two arms. Despite our vast height difference, we were both fine with me being the big spoon and him being the little spoon. I was the one who wanted to keep him safe, after all. 

We’d spent all of Saturday lying around and hadn’t even bothered to change; the day was spent in our pajamas. Eren had fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie and I ended up following suit. We didn’t eat any legitimate meals; we both snacked on whatever was in the house because we couldn’t muster up the energy to actually prepare anything ourselves. It had been a lazy day at its finest, and we’d enjoyed every minute of it. Around midnight, we mutually agreed to just go to bed; albeit with the TV on and god-awfully dumb movies playing on the movie stations. Eren fell asleep around one, and I shut my eyes around two.

I was rudely awakened about an hour later by the high shrill of my phone’s ringtone; my phone was sitting on the nightstand right beside my bed. I wouldn’t have brought it into the bedroom with me if I knew some fucker would call me in the middle of the goddamn night. I assumed it was a wrong number; the people I knew had no occasion to call me after three a.m. on a Saturday night. 

I snatched the phone from the nightstand and pressed the answer symbol that shone brightly in the dark room; it wasn’t pitch-black since the TV was still on. I only answered because I didn’t want Eren to wake up if the phone kept ringing, and it was the first action that came to mind. 

I whispered, “Hello?” into the receiver, preparing to inform the caller that they had reached the wrong number. 

I should have just told them they’d reached the wrong number, really. But they had caught me one hundred percent off-guard, so I couldn’t think clearly enough to handle the situation accordingly.

The first thing I did was I scrambled out of bed so that I wouldn’t disturb Eren; he was sleeping peacefully beside me and I didn’t want to wreck that with what was sure to turn into a loud, heated argument. 

“What the fuck are you calling me for? Actually, how the fuck did you even get my number?” I spat, hoping that she could hear every bit of venom in my voice. If she did, she blatantly ignored it. 

“I’m calling you because we want you back in our life.”

“I cut you guys out for a reason. You guys don’t give a single shit about me. You never have.”

“Of course we care about you, honey. Is it so much to ask that your parents get to talk to you now and then?”

“It’s three ‘o clock in the morning. You better have one hell of a reason for calling me at this hour. For calling me at all, actually.”

“Well, I know you’ve always been a night-owl, so I figured now was an okay time to call you.”

“You don’t know that. You were never home to figure out my sleep schedule, so try again, mother.”

“Alright, well, I’ll be honest with you, dear.”

“I’m listening. For now.” 

“As you may know, Levi, your father and I have taken quite the fall financially in the recent past.”

“I don’t give a fuck. How did you get my number?”

“Come on now, honey, work with us a bit.”

“What, you want a nearly broke college student to give you money? You guys are as shitty as ever.”

“You’re not addressing your own mother very kindly, Levi.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t give a fuck. You guys have never been there for me, so why should I be there for you?”

“Your father and I have always been there for you! We’ve provided you with all the care you ever needed growing up.”

“You stuck me with a nanny and called it good. You guys let me get myself fucked up on whatever the fuck I could get my hands on because you guys weren’t around to stop me. Admit it; you never gave a fuck about me.”

“You were just a rebellious teenager. What were we supposed to do?”

“Being there for me may have helped, believe it or not.”

The conversation went around in circles for about ten minutes, neither of us getting anywhere. I was tempted to just end the call, but I didn’t for whatever reason. I guess I don’t really know what kept me on the phone with the mother I hated so much. She was seriously asking a college student to give her money, and that was one of the most pathetic things ever. I hadn’t known that they’d lost a fair majority of their money, and quite frankly, I didn’t give enough of a shit to ask what exactly had happened. 

She tried to convince me that her and dad cared about me, which I refused to believe for a second. The only reason she was calling was because she wanted shit from me, which she wouldn’t be getting. A part of me wondered if she’d forgotten how old I was and had just assumed I was old enough to hold a steady, well-paying job. She probably thought I was some wealthy college professor in my thirties, or something. In any case, she still knew absolutely nothing about me; that much was made more than obvious throughout the conversation. Her next statement, however, is what truly set me over the edge.

“We’ve always been there for you when you truly needed us.”

Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. My voice had gotten progressively louder as the conversation went on, and my next statement was damn near shouting. 

“Oh, yeah? Then where the fuck were you guys when I tried to fucking kill myself, because you sure as fuck weren’t by my side!” I screamed into the receiver. 

Eren was still in the other room, and there was no doubt my screaming would wake him. Well, fuck. I hoped that he hadn’t caught that last sentence. My mother was silent on the other end of the phone, and I was shaking. A moment later, Eren appeared in the kitchen.

-x-

[Eren’s POV]

I woke up to the sound of Levi shouting, and needless to say, it was a confusing wake-up call. I’d only heard Levi’s voice rise like that once before, and that had been when dad had found me at work on that night that felt like an eternity ago. As horrid as the memory was, without it, I probably wouldn’t be curled up in Levi’s bed right then. So in a way, my dad had actually done me a favor. I could still far too easily imagine the feeling of him beating the shit out of me, and I shuddered despite the blanket’s warmth.

Anyways, it took me a minute to understand what was going on. Levi wasn’t in bed, and I realized his voice had come from the living room or the kitchen; I couldn’t tell which. I couldn’t even begin to guess at what had upset Levi to that point, especially at three in the morning, which was apparently the time, according to the digital clock on Levi’s nightstand. Concerned, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stretched before getting to my feet. I hadn’t been able to hear what Levi had said, but it had been loud. 

I walked into the kitchen to find Levi holding his phone to his ear; he was gripping it so hard that for a moment I was scared he would break it. The closer I got, the more apparent it became that he was actually shaking; he was angry. Really angry. It was rare for him to lose composure of himself, and I was unsure of how to approach him. His wild eyes locked on mine and I wondered what had gotten him that worked up. He looked away as he spoke into his phone.

“Don’t you fucking dare call me again, mother. Stay the fuck out of my life.” It was more of a low growl than a spoken statement. He threw his phone across the table after ending the call; I was scared for the safety of his phone once more.  
His voice softened as soon as he addressed me.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” 

“What just happened?” I asked, bewildered. 

Levi sighed. “My parents think it’s suddenly okay to insert themselves into my life for the very first time because the pricks lost their money. Assholes. They just need to stay the fuck away from me.”

“You really hate them, don’t you?”

“I’m much better off without them, I can tell you that. I barely even consider them to be parents.” Levi’s voice held no shortage of emotion; the disconnect between him and his parents must have haunted him a lot more than he let on.

“Oh, Levi.” I said, walking up to him and wrapped my arms around him, because he definitely needed it. I’d never been the one to comfort him; he’d always comforted me when I was upset. He was still shaking even after I enveloped him into my embrace. He stood still for a long moment, but eventually I felt him return the hug. 

“Did you happen to hear any of the conversation?” He asked, voice muffled as he kept his face pressed against the front of my shirt.

“No, I didn’t. Why?”

“I was just wondering.” Curiosity gnawed at me over what he seemed desperate to keep hidden. Now wasn’t the time for confrontation, though, as much as I wanted to ask him. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. I just wasn’t expecting mother to call me at three in the morning on a Saturday. Just shook me up a bit.” He was regaining his typical calm composure; he recovered from things far more quickly than I did. I didn’t let go of him; it was him who broke off the embrace. 

“Let’s get back to bed and leave this bullshit behind us.” 

“Fair enough.” I replied, and he gripped my hand tightly on the way back to the bedroom. I got the feeling he was reminiscing past memories that were a product of his parent’s lack of placement in his life. His parents paid him no attention, and mine paid me far too much attention. Families were shitty that way, I guess. I worried about him and prayed that his parents wouldn’t try to make contact with him a regular thing, because that one phone call seemed to stress him out enough as it was. His body was tense as we walked side by side, hand in hand. I clung onto his hand just as strongly as he clung on to mine, and we fell asleep in each other’s arms for the last time for at least a week. Because when I woke the next day, it would be time to go back to reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit; I can't promise smut for the next chapter for sure due to a change in course but it's coming soon I promise ;u;


	12. Pain's Embrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren comes home and is confronted by the one who hates him most.

My trepidation over returning to the strangely ominous house that I’ve lived in for years was not unjust. A fierce sense of dread consumed me as I stepped through the barrier into the kitchen that was far too happily decorated for the events that took place within its walls. I wholeheartedly regretted leaving the safety and comfort of Levi’s bed; but even more than that I regretted leaving the warmth of his tender embrace back outside, exactly one block away from my house. Our own breath swirled around us in dainty clouds as we exchanged our goodbyes, words bittersweet as they rolled reluctantly off our tongues. After one last hug we parted ways, and I could feel the concern emanating from him as I turned my back to him and set off towards the unknown situation that awaited me back at the house. 

The kitchen was eerily dim, and I let my eyes travel towards the source of light in the room; one of the light bulbs had burnt out and nobody had bothered to replace it thus far. Mikasa’s car hadn’t been in the driveway, so it was safe to assume that she didn’t currently occupy the dim house. I was the only person in the kitchen and the living room; Mikasa’s car was the only one missing, so I knew that my parents had to be home. The horrifyingly tense air hadn’t lifted at all since the last time I’d been inside, and as uneasiness took a tight grip onto me, I shut the door behind me. A colorful array of bottles littered the kitchen which took away some of the welcoming qualities of the kitchen. The empty bottles once held a fair measure of liquor or beer within their glass barrier, but now only a drop or two remained per bottle.

One of the bottles had met its bitter end on the tiled floor; glass shards glittered dangerously along the floor’s cold, smooth surface. The golden liquid that had been inside was now pooled around the broken glass. The kitchen’s neglect was enough to make the scene all around me an unsettling place to be. A stifling silence was crushing me under its weight, and I should have just gotten the fuck out of there when I could have. My duffel bag was still slung over my shoulder as I stood frozen in place, examining every tangible detail of the kitchen. Dad had quite obviously abandoned the will to keep himself sober enough to function as a productive member of society. Hadn’t mother said she was going to obtain the necessary divorce papers under that circumstance? I guess I should never have believed it was more than an empty promise. Foolish me.

I was snapped out of my reverie by the thundering boom of a beast set loose to hunt its prey, despite the best efforts of the one who told it not to. Because when the prey is your own kin, that’s when nobody can hold you back, not even the one who promises she loves you night after night, no matter how horrid you’ve been. I, as the panicked and fleeting prey, found myself unable to react in enough time to make my fortunate escape. I ungracefully scrambled towards the door in a vain attempt to make it out the door before dad could get a hold on me. A strong weight crashed against my stomach and propelled me backwards, away from the door that would have granted me my freedom. The ear-shatteringly loud screaming that I’d heard far too many times rang deafeningly in my ear.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, son!?” He screamed, words jumbled together as a result of copious amounts of alcohol that he couldn’t handle. I could do nothing; my weak attempts at a fight were no match for his sturdy build. I didn’t respond and instead let myself be flung backwards, towards the other side of the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw mom’s horrified eyes moving frantically back and forth between me and dad. She was frozen in place just like I had been when I walked into the kitchen. Dad took hold of my shoulders and shook me several times, as if that would spur a response from me. I closed my eyes as he did so, resigned. I couldn’t muster up the energy to fight against him; even if I did, my efforts would get me nowhere. I was nothing up against dad’s drunken fury.

When dad finally caught on to the fact that I wouldn’t respond to his question (that was basically rhetorical, anyways) no matter how many times he tried to shake an answer out of me, he put his face near mine and shouted again. As he opened his mouth to speak, my nose was overwhelmed with the strong odor of alcohol tainting dad’s breath.

“Did you know that you were gone for a whole week, you piece of shit? What the fuck did your worthless ass have to do for a whole goddamn week?” 

Mom’s mouth seemed to break itself free of its paralysis, although she was still firmly rooted in place a couple feet away from where dad was gripping me, practically suspending me in the air. I was on my tiptoes; his hand firmly grasped the front of my red sweatshirt. I’d gotten the opportunity to at least take off my coat before dad came storming after me. 

Mother shouted, “Grisha, that’s enough! Get away from Eren!” 

I was grateful that she had spoken out against him on my behalf, but he disregarded the statement entirely, as I assumed he would. Mother didn’t need to be involving herself, anyways; this was between dad and I, and it always had been. Dad’s anger and resentment were against me, and mom wouldn’t be able to do anything about that even if she tried with everything she had. Dad continued on his rampage as if mother hadn’t spoken at all.

“Answer me, son! Fucking answer me! What the fuck were you doing all goddamn week?”

I continued my silence; even if I did provide him an answer, it would make no difference. Nothing that I (or anyone else, for that matter) did would help at all, and fighting just wasn’t worth it anymore. My pleasant week with Levi felt like a dream; it was so far away that it felt like there was no possibility it had ever been reality. Everything was broken and falling down around me and it was pathetic that I had ever thought otherwise, even if only for a short amount of time.

My face turned slightly to the side involuntarily; the force of dad’s slap to my face had caused its movement. My face stung where his hand had made its impact; a pain that I had felt far too many times before. Other than the slight change in position, I had remained unresponsive. He was going to have to try harder than that; I was too used to him slapping me across the face. Soon it would escalate, and I would be thrown to the floor so that he could kick me as he pleased. It was the same as any other night I had been forced to deal with him when he was intoxicated into oblivion. 

He stared at me with his fury-filled eyes that were somehow distant, and I stared back with a face that probably held no emotion in its depths, for once; the whole situation was surreal to me and I couldn’t bring myself to accept the reality of it all. Naturally, the lack of response on my part continued to peak dad’s anger. I was finally brought back down to reality, however, when dad landed his first blow of the night.

Suddenly, my heels were back on the ground and dad’s hand had disappeared from the material of my bright red sweatshirt. As soon as my mind registered that fact, my body was slammed full-force against the wall. My head flew backwards and smacked against the wall so harshly that my vision faltered for a split second. Intense pain immediately followed the impact, and while I did not fall to my knees, I wildly clutched at my head with my hands, as if holding my head together would keep the pain away. Because it felt like it would fall apart and shatter if I didn’t hold it together; that was how much pain my head was in after that one impact. 

“Where the fuck were you, hm?” He asked in a horrifying voice that was an ugly parody of gentle concern; in all honesty, his unbearably loud screaming was preferable to this. 

It was difficult to think clearly between the pain in my head and the pain in my back where my whole body had been slammed up against the wall. Dad was impatient, and I hadn’t recovered from the blow enough to provide him any sort of spoken answer. My silence earned me another shattering blow to the head as he shoved me back into the wall. I yelped as my head met the wall for the third time; everything seemed so surreal and hazy right then. The part of my conscious that was still alert to what was going on was surprised that dad was being as brutal as he was; he typically held back at least a little bit when mom was around. But he was obviously not going to make an effort to do that tonight. 

Dad put his face directly in front of mine again, holding me roughly by the shoulders. I wanted to crumble to the floor and lay in the fetal position until he tired of attacking me, but he didn’t allow me to do that. No, I was forced to look at his hideous drunken face and stay standing on my weary feet. He kept the pseudo-calm voice when he spoke again.

“Answer me, son. Where were you?”

“Friend’s…house.” I choked out, hoping he’d get out of my face if I replied. 

“Oh, so now you have a fucking friend. Well, you know what, little bastard?” Instead of telling me what he obviously wanted to say, he did get out of my face. He pushed me backwards by my shoulders and once again, my head suffered the most as it met the wall’s surface with a sickening thud. A fresh bout of pain consumed my entire physical being, and I slumped heavily against the wall. My eyes were half-closed; I would have closed them entirely but I wanted to be able to see the monster that fought against me relentlessly. I was vaguely aware of mom’s horrified gaze falling on us, hands over her mouth in shock as dad mercilessly sent me flying into the wall. 

“Murderers don’t fucking get friends!” He screamed, and I closed my eyes entirely, as if that would shield me from his harsh words. That’s right; he hated me because I was a murderer. I had murdered my own boyfriend and best friend. And that was why I deserved every attack he sent my way. He was a monster but he wasn’t attacking an innocent lamb, by any means. I’d tricked myself into believing I was becoming a slightly better person after being with Levi, but both my dad and I knew that was wrong. I deserved everything that came to me. 

A pained scream escaped me when he pushed me back into the wall, taking care to make sure my head once again took most of the blow. He punched me in the stomach and I finally crumbled down, clutching my stomach as he hovered over me. My tears were a mixture of pain and emotional agony as I was brutally reminded of my own worst mistake as they burned a scorching trail down my wounded face. 

His voice had softened to almost a whisper; as close as an intoxicated monster could come to a whisper. 

“I fucking wish you would just die. I wouldn’t mind being the one to kill you, you know. I would, too, but I don’t want to stoop to your level, you fucking trash.” He started listing off reasons why I was a mistake; each of them accompanied by some sort of lash against me; a kick to the side, a punch to the face. I was apparently a mistake on the world and should never have been born in the first place. The whisper did not last, and soon he had resumed shouting at the top of his lungs. 

“Just go fucking die, asshole!” He screamed, lifting me up off the ground and physically throwing me into the wall. Not just a shove; he fucking threw me into the wall. The pain in my head was unbearable, and it was surprising that I hadn’t passed out, to be quite honest. But my body provided me no mercy; I was to be awake to suffer through the agony. I fell to the ground immediately; there was no reason to try and remain standing. The side of my head smacked against the kitchen tile as my body hit the floor. I deserved it, I reminded myself. I deserved it. I groaned, for once wishing that I could escape the pain that wracked my still relatively frail body. 

Mom’s screams had joined dad’s, and I willed my eyes to open enough to let me watch them both; mom had approached dad and she had her arms wrapped around him from the back. She was trying to hold him back, because he was trying to approach me yet again. 

“That’s enough, Grisha! You’re going to kill him if you keep it up! What the fuck is wrong with you?” She screamed desperately, doing her damnedest to keep him from me. When dad caught on that she wasn’t going to willingly watch his assault any longer, he turned away from me and faced her instead. My eyes widened as his hand rose and my mind didn’t register what he was doing until it was already done. 

“Shut up, annoying bitch!” Dad shouted; mom stumbled backwards as she held her hand to her cheek, unable to believe what dad had just done to her. He’d only ever raised his hand against me; he could beat me whenever he wanted, but striking mom was going too far. Way too far. 

I weakly pushed myself up onto my knees so that I could stand up. I was unsteady on my feet, but regardless, I stumbled towards dad. I couldn’t let him abuse mom; he needed to stick with just me. I let fury consume my being; hatred towards the beast before me flared up inside and helped me to ignore my own intense physical pain. That anger propelled me forward, and I put myself between my parents. As long as I could distract him from attacking mom again, I would be satisfied, no matter how bad the repercussions of protecting her would be. 

“Don’t you fucking dare raise your hand against mom!” I shouted, but it wasn’t even loud enough to be considered shouting. My voice shook, but it was the best I could do. 

“Trying to act like an angel now, are you? Would you prefer I get back to work with you?”

“Yeah, actually, I would! Mom doesn’t deserve your fucking bullshit!” 

Dad didn’t give a verbal reply; this time, he didn’t fling me into the wall. Instead, he simply shoved me down onto the floor. I landed with a hard enough impact to skid across the floor slightly, and I felt a patch of my upper arm’s skin rip apart as I landed; dad had thrown me right to where the bottle lay in broken shards. One of the bigger shards of glass had cut me through my sweatshirt, and I felt the familiar wetness of blood spreading and staining the fabric of my clothing as I lay there motionless. 

Dad kicked me to get me to lie on my back; once I had unwillingly rolled over, his foot landed right on my stomach. I gasped as his foot connected to the flesh, causing even more pain that I was already in before. His next kick landed above my stomach; right where people’s ribs separate. My mind was chaos; one of the fleeting thoughts I had was the remembrance of teachers who always told us that that area was generally referred to as the solar plexus, and it was considered a weak spot for people. I cried out in pain when he hit that spot, and he took it as an indicator to make that area his target. 

It could hardly be considered kicking after a couple more hits; he was basically just stomping on me. I turned my head to the side as if that would help me escape the pain, but instead I was met with another ripping sensation. This time, one of the shards had cut my cheek open, and little droplets of blood mixed with the remnants of liquor as they splashed onto the kitchen tile. Sobs wracked my entire body as I lay there, unable to muster up the energy to fight against him, even if only slightly. 

He stomped on me one more time before mom’s screaming had annoyed him enough to make him relent. With the subtraction of his constant, brutal kicking, I realized that I had trouble breathing. I gasped for breath; it didn’t seem like I could consume enough air to keep breathing. I desperately tried to regain my breath, but it was proving to be futile. Pain had swallowed me up completely; it was everywhere. It was unbearable. I’d been in intense amount of pain countless times before, but none of them truly compared to this time. This was by far the worst dad had ever beaten me. 

For a second, I thought I was actually going to die there. Dad’s attacks had gone too far; I was going to die. What was worse was when I thought about it, I wouldn’t have minded too bad. I should have died long ago, anyways. I’m sorry, Levi. I really am. I silently apologized to him as I gave up on trying to regulate my breathing. I tried to imagine how it felt to have his arms around me, to feel his gentle caress; but the agony was too prominent to allow for positive memories to surface. The last thing I remember was my mouth parting against my will and covering myself in my own vomit, and then my entire world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to the people who thought there was going to be ~nsfw~ this chapter; I changed the course of action for the story, aah ;u;


	13. Hospitals and Requests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren wakes up in a hospital bed.

My eyelids were weighed down and they struggled against me, begging me not to force them completely open. I fought against them and ultimately won, at least, I think I managed to. I struggled against the darkness and after many attempts, my eyes adjusted to blinding light and my other senses finally began to kick in as well. I couldn’t make true sense of anything around me, but I did recognize the god-awful shrieking of police sirens and their obnoxious flashing lights. The only sensation I could feel was pain. I wasn’t even sure who the fuck I was; all I recognized was pain and a vague sense of movement all around me. In a world of chaos, I was the only one who was still.

I was still, right?

There was an aspect of the situation that registered in my confused mind as familiar, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. The tendrils of darkness refused to leave me completely; or much at all, really. I had no clue what was going on. In that time, I was unaware of the monster that I had become over the past year. Had forgotten about the other monster that dwelled in my home these days. Had forgotten that I had a boyfriend named Levi. I was just a poor kid who was in enough pain to kill me. It was going to kill me; it had to. 

More movement. More sirens and more lights. Because that’s all there fucking was. I was beginning to think that was all that existed in the world that I could hardly see through my almost-closed eyes. Were people shouting? I couldn’t tell. Too many goddamn sirens. I didn’t know why, but I absolutely loathed the sound of those fucking things. Full-on consciousness continued to elude me, and the world around me was nothing more than a confused haze. My eyes focused on a strip of black that floated lazily in my line of sight, and my brain apparently registered it while my conscious mind lagged behind. 

“…Levi?” The whisper barely escaped from my chapped, blood-tainted lips. 

I was trying to make sense of what the word “Levi” meant to me when the pain dragged me into the abyss, shutting my eyes as darkness engulfed my entire being.

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

I’d been home for an hour or so. The apartment was horridly desolate without Eren around and I didn’t realize how lonely the place was when it was devoid of the one I loved so much, until now. I got in the shower in an effort to wash away the melancholy that had settled itself around me and my small apartment. I took my time, reluctant to leave the comfortable warmth that the steamy shower stall provided me. I was drying my hair off with a fluffy navy blue towel when I heard my phone ringing from the kitchen. I’d only pulled on a pair of black jeans thus far and pulled on my black and white sweater as I hustled towards the kitchen, wanting to answer the phone in time.

I checked the name that appeared on the screen as the phone rang; it was Eren. It was odd that he would call so soon after parting; it normally took him several hours at least before he got desperate enough for a phone call. He typically just texted me up until that point. 

“Eren?” I answered the phone in a questioning tone so that he would get right to the point of whatever he was so eager to discuss with me. 

“Is this Levi?” It took me a second to put a name to the voice on the other end of the phone; I eventually concluded that it was Eren’s sister, Mikasa. I only met her once or twice while at work, and that was it. Dread coursed through me, knowing that Mikasa wouldn’t be calling me with Eren’s phone over nothing.

“Yeah, it is.” I replied.

“Okay, look, I’m just going to say it. Eren’s in an ambulance right now and he’s going to urgent care, because dad beat the living shit out of him, way more than he ever has before. I was in the ambulance with him, and he asked for you when he was half-conscious, so I fetched his phone and called you, because I thought you’d want to know.”

“…Yeah. Thanks for calling me.” That was the best response I could provide under the circumstance. I felt a whirlwind of emotion; I was both furious and petrified. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, paralyzed. 

“You’re welcome to come up to the ER and wait for whatever happens to happen.” 

“Do they think he’s going to live?” Levi was terrified of the answer. 

“…They don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

“Not your fault. I’ll be right up to the ER.”

“I’ll meet you at the entrance once I know where we’re supposed to be.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I know Eren really cares about you, so you should be here.”

“I will.”

“Kay. Bye.” 

The phone call ended and I took a deep breath, trying to keep down the panic that was rising up within me. Eren would be okay. Everything was going to be fine.

I’d promised that I’d protect him.

I’d had a bad feeling about him going home. I knew that the chances were high that his dad would cause problems when he went home. And yet I still let him walk away from my motorcycle. I failed him. 

Eren could die.

No. Eren would be fine. 

I’ve never hated a single person as much as I hated Eren’s father. 

I should have protected Eren. And I didn’t.

Panic. 

My feet finally propelled me forward.

My fist connected to the wall of my apartment with a sickening crunch. I’d punched the wall as forcefully as I could, and it had hurt like a fucking bitch. That didn’t matter one bit, though. That punch represented my burning fury towards the situation and how easily I could have prevented it. It brought me back to focus and I grabbed my jacket from where I’d thrown it on the couch before running full-speed out the door of the apartment complex.

-x-

I spent the night sitting in the waiting room with Mikasa and a woman who was sobbing uncontrollably for a fair majority of the night; Eren’s mother. We all sat in silence for hours on end while waiting to hear whether or not Eren was going to for sure live after the trauma he’d gone through. I frequently stepped out of the building for smoke breaks; I typically smoked more than one per break and I went through more cigarettes that night than I generally went through in several days. I knew the nurses judged me profusely every time I left and came back, smelling more strongly of smoke upon return with each trip. I couldn’t even be bothered to care about that.

Around four a.m. in the morning, the doctor came out and reported to the three of us. They’re operated on him as soon as he made it into the ER and he was going to live; he seemed to be doing as well as he could be considering what he’d gone through. Relief washed over me, but it wouldn’t become real until about a day and a half later, when I would actually be able to see Eren alive and breathing. 

After that, Eren’s mom and Mikasa attempted to make small talk with me in order to pass the time better and to distract ourselves from the fact that Eren had just undergone an operation to fix the internal bleeding in his head. There was nothing we could do for him right then, so talking amongst ourselves was the best option.

The first conversation took place around four-thirty a.m., after the doctor had finished his discussion with us about Eren’s condition. None of us were allowed to go see him yet; Mikasa and Eren’s mom would be allowed to see him for sure the previous day, but whether or not I would be allowed was based upon Eren’s condition. They were picky like that; since I wasn’t his family, I would have to wait longer. Personally, I thought it made no sense, but as long as Eren was okay, I would wait as long as I needed to. 

“So, you’re Eren’s friend?” Eren’s mother spoke up. It was easy to see that Eren was related to her; their facial structures were incredibly similar. 

“Yes, I am.”

“Are you the one he seems to spend all of his time with?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, thank you for being his friend. He hasn’t left the house much at all in the past year. I wasn’t necessarily worried about it, but it’s still nice to see him running out of the house like a normal teenage boy more often.”

It was painful to hear his mother talk like that, so blissfully unaware of how terrible of a place Eren had been lingering in. There was a good chance that she would find out very, very soon, as long as they had Eren in a typical hospital gown.

Naturally, I was right. I was left alone in the waiting area (well, there were other people in the room, just not anywhere near me) while Eren’s family was allowed to go see him, although apparently he was still out cold and would be for some time yet. When they returned to the waiting area, Mikasa had her arms wrapped protectively around her mother as she guided her back down into the seat she had previously occupied. Since crying was common in the emergency room, nobody cast a second glance at Carla (I had recently learned her name) when she openly wept. Mikasa did her best to calm her down, and once Carla’s sobbing had let up slightly, Mikasa turned to face me.

“Did you know about…?” She tapped her arm a couple of times instead of outwardly saying the last part; I had to agree that it was best, for Carla’s sake, not to say such things out loud. I knew what Mikasa meant immediately, and I nodded slowly.

“All along.” I admitted.

“And Eren knows?”

“Yeah. He does.”

Carla looked up. Her voice shook when she spoke, despite an obvious effort to keep her voice composed. 

“He trusts you, then. Please, can you do me a favor?”

“Of course. What is it?”

“Don’t stop being his friend. Please, just, be there for him. Can you please do that for me? He needs someone.”

Oh, if only she knew. I was there for him, or at least, I did my damnedest to be. Carla had no clue exactly how much Eren meant to me. Regardless, I would at least be able to accept her request.

“I will.”

“Thank you.” Her tears again flowed faster. “I failed him.” She whispered, more to herself than to anyone. Mikasa and I exchanged a glance and I pretended that I hadn’t heard her as Mikasa returned to consoling her heartbroken mother. It had to be brutal, seeing scars riddling your own child’s skin, never having been even remotely aware that they had ever considered such a dark way of dealing with life’s troubles. It was a harsh reality to be faced with when you thought your son was standing proudly on his own two feet; the last thing you wanted was to see them barely able to crawl. It wasn’t her fault, but it was obvious that she staked the blame onto herself, and it hurt knowing that Eren would be extremely upset if he knew Carla blamed herself for his own actions.

Nobody had mentioned Eren’s dad thus far, and the next time Carla got up to head to the bathroom, I decided to ask Mikasa about it. I wanted to at least have a basic idea of what happened to the bastard.

“Mikasa.”

“What?”

“Where’s Eren’s dad?”

I watched as her eyes shifted into a cold fury at the mention of the fucking monster.

“Alright, I’ll tell you what happened. I was a bit late coming home from work because I had to stop and grab a few things on the way home. When I made it home, I could hear the screaming all the way from the driveway. I ran inside and found Eren passed out on the ground, and my parents were screaming at each other. I called the cops, knowing that mom wouldn’t. Well, I called 911. They sent police out along with an ambulance right away. 

Dad tried to make a run for it before the cops came, but they were faster than he was. They took him away to the station, but knowing the cops around here, he’s already free. He could be back at home, for all I know. Mom’s for sure filing for a divorce as soon as Eren’s well enough to go home. We’ll just have to see how everything goes, I guess. But I know mom is finally serious about not giving dad another chance. The fucking bastard doesn’t deserve it, anyways. Sunday night was supposedly dad’s last night at home, anyways; he was supposed to return to his traveling for work. But like I said, nothing’s for sure at this point.

In any case, dad’s going to be out of the picture. Thank god. I’m never going to forgive him for the hell he put Eren through. But at the same time, it’s my fault. I didn’t do anything about it until it was almost too late. I’m just as guilty as anyone else.” Mikasa was speaking more to herself than to me by the end of it, but I still felt the need to respond.

“He’s alive. That’s all that matters. It was a tough situation for anyone to handle.”

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?” 

“That wasn’t what we were talking about.”

“No, but it’s true. I can tell. What exactly are you to Eren?”

“I’m just someone who cares about him.”

“I see.” Mikasa’s eyes bore into me, but after a moment she looked away, seemingly satisfied.

“You really will protect him, right?”

“Of course. I mean it when I say that I will.”

“Good. I’ll protect him from now on, too. But don’t you dare hurt him. He’s had enough pain as it is.”

“I’m fully aware of that.”

“Just making sure.”

We continued the conversation until Carla returned. Carla and Mikasa spent the night in Eren’s room and I managed to catch a couple hours of sleep in the waiting room chairs throughout the night. The next morning, the doctor finally came and told me that I could go see Eren. The reality of how close I had come to losing Eren crashed into me as I stepped into his room and saw the frail body hooked up to several large machines, eyes shut and tears streaming down his face as his mom held one of his hands; her eyes were fixed sorrowfully on the grotesque patchwork of wounds both old and new marring Eren’s arms. As agonizingly sad as the sight was, it was a sight that meant Eren was alive. And in the end, that was all that mattered.

-x-

[Eren’s POV]

The next time my eyes opened, they remained open for far too long. I soon realized that consciousness was punishment; that even nightmare-ridden slumber was far preferable to reality. I’d been living in hell for a long time now, but when I woke up the next time, that was when it truly hit me that life could hardly be considered worth living.

My heavy-lidded eyes opened sluggishly to find that I was surrounded by white that was so bright in my vision that it was painful to look at. It was almost disturbing, in a sense. I forced myself to blink a few times, and that helped. My mind was foggy, but I was able to make sense of my surroundings. The smell of sterilized equipment invaded my nose and it was every bit as overwhelming to wake up to as the light had been. I shifted my eyes to the side and found that a series of needles had been stuck into the veins of my arms, connecting me to various machines that were placed all around my spot on what had to be a hospital bed. My head was resting on a stiff object that was an admittedly poor excuse for a pillow. A thin white blanket lay across me, keeping my torso hidden from sight.

A quick glance down at myself indicated an ugly hospital gown adorning my admittedly frail, thin body. It’s important to note that I had not yet regained my memory of why I had woken up in a hospital in the first place, and I was blissfully unaware of my excessive amount of exposed flesh. I also hadn’t yet discovered my mother and sister’s presence in the all-white room.

My mind finally registered the pain; it was nowhere near as intense as it had been in my last consciousness. My stomach felt hollow and I was dizzy; my sides heaved and I would have vomited, had there been anything there to vomit. I made a pathetic attempt at sitting up and the doctor that I hadn’t noticed was standing only a few feet away from me rushed over to aid me. 

“Easy there.” He said; his voice was kind but old and I could tell he was in his later years and would probably retire within the next few years. He helped hoist me into a position that allowed me to sit up but continue resting against the back of the chair; I was weak and needed all of the support that I could get. I closed my eyes for a moment, focusing on the pain that spread through my whole body. I took a shuddering breath before opening my eyes again; this time, I caught sight of my mother and Mikasa sitting side by side on chairs that sat against the far wall of my room. My dulled turquoise-green eyes met my mother’s watery ones. It was obvious that she’d been crying nonstop for quite some time, although her tears had taken a short hiatus, by the looks of it.  
I had no clue how long I’d been asleep for, actually. So I really wasn’t sure what “quite some time” meant at that point. I got the feeling it was for a fair chunk of time.

Come to think of it, I didn’t know why I was lying in a hospital bed, connected to countless beeping machines. I wracked my brain for the answer and I immediately wished that I hadn’t. I flinched as the memories came flooding back in one agonizing rush, sparing me nothing. Life hadn’t given me the benefit of suffering from a case of amnesia spurred by my injuries, apparently. Damn. Then again, waking up to find myself covered in wounds and scars without recollection of how they had happened probably wouldn’t have been fantastic, either. Guess I couldn’t win no matter what I did. Whatever. Back to what was actually taking place. 

As my gaze met mom’s, I saw the promise of fresh tears glisten in her eyes. She hurried out of her seat and practically ran the short distance to where I lay. Mikasa followed suit, albeit with more composure than mom displayed. I could see the pain in her eyes, however, as she marched towards my fragile shell of my previous self.

“How do you feel, Eren?” The doctor asked, ready to start checking me over now that I possessed consciousness. His movements were quick and jittery as he examined me, making sure that whatever he had done had turned out alright.

My mouth was obscenely dry, so it was with extreme difficulty that I managed to choke out, “Fine.”

Mom grabbed my hand with extreme caution, probably believing it would shatter if she held it with any force at all. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I did shatter; fragility was the essence of my pathetic existence. She gave it the tiniest squeeze as a gesture of love and comfort as the elderly doctor began to explain what the hell was going on. Her tears flowed freely once more when she whispered, “Thank god you’re okay.” The statement had been quiet enough to not interrupt the doctor’s short speech.

“You’ve been asleep for about a day and a half. We had to put you through surgery upon arrival; you had what we call “Intracranial hemorrhages”, which is the fancy way of saying that there was internal bleeding in your head. You’re lucky to be alive, Eren, because death was a very realistic possibility considering the state that you were in when you were brought to us. You survived a very brutal situation.”

That was the second time that I should have died but didn’t. I wasn’t nearly as grateful as the doctor believed I should have been; so many great people died so easily and yet here I lay, still alive. My life held no meaning, and I resented that I was the one who beat the odds more than once. The thought sickened me. I wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep and escape again; but this time, for good.  
What had kept me from killing myself, anyways?

Oh, yeah. I had Levi now. I was in love with him and he was in love with me. He had convinced me to let him be my crutch in life. But at the moment, all of that felt far away. He probably didn’t even know I was hospitalized. I pushed him out of my mind, at least for the moment; there was nothing I could do about him right then.

“Oh, Eren, sweetie, I’m so glad you’re okay.” I was entirely too aware of mom’s close proximity to my self-inflicted mutilation that ran along the majority of both of my arms; there was no way she hadn’t noticed it during her stay. I stared at her blankly, too busy wishing that dad’s beating had taken my life away to do anything else. Mikasa was silent as she stood beside mom, watching me carefully. I thought I saw her eyes scan over my arms, and I looked away from both of them. I couldn’t stand how worried they both obviously were over me.

My doctor was the one to break the heavy silence that had vaporized over the past several minutes after I refused to return my gaze back to my family.

“Well, you’re doing extremely well for your situation, so I think it’s no problem to allow your other visitor up. I’ll go fetch him from the waiting area, so you can have a moment alone with your family, alright?” With that, the man hurried out of the room, leaving me alone with mom and Mikasa. I had no time to wonder who the visitor was; mom started her desperate speech as soon as the door shut behind the doctor.

“I’m so sorry, Eren. I’m so, so sorry.” I watched in horror as tears created a trail down mother’s face.

“Don’t be.” I choked out; watching my own mother cry made me want to cry. And of course, I was going to end up crying.

“I had no clue, Eren, I swear I had no clue that you were in so much pain. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” She repeated with a fair measure of hysteria, and I got the feeling that she wasn’t talking about dad’s brutality towards me; she was referring to my self-destructive tendencies. Her eyes lingered over my arms and I wanted nothing more than to jerk my hand away from hers so that I could hide them. It would do no good; the damage had already been done. Even so, I would have given anything to disappear underneath the thin blanket spread across my aching body. 

“Mom.” I said, squeezing her hand just like she had done to me. That only proved to make her tears flow faster, sadly. I couldn’t stand to see mom so upset. Over me, no less. It was horrible. 

“I should have dealt with your dad sooner. I should have filed for divorce as soon as he hit you for the first time. I knew he was a monster but I still gave him too many chances. I did nothing-” She was forced to pause; she was sobbing too hard to continue and had to take a moment to regain enough composure to finish the statement. “I did nothing and instead stood by, letting my husband beat the daylights out of our child. I’m so sorry, Eren. I’m so sorry. If only I had done something, things would have been different. I’m sorry, oh, I’m so, so sorry.”

“Mom.” I repeated desperately, tears pricking at the edge of my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to fight them and they soon cascaded without restraint over my hollow cheeks. 

“I failed you as your mother. I didn’t protect you. I wasn’t there when you obviously needed me the most. I swear, baby, that your dad will never lay a hand on you again. I swear on my life. He’ll never hurt you ever again. I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop. It’s fine. I’m fine.” I choked out, praying mom would stop. I couldn’t stand her apologies; she had no reason to apologize. She was in no way at fault for dad being a vicious monster, and she was most definitely not at fault for my own awful decisions in life.

“No, it’s not fine. You’ve been through so much and I wasn’t there for you as a mother when I needed to be. Oh god, Eren, please don’t ever hurt yourself again. I promise everything is going to be okay. Your dad’s out of the picture. I’m going to be here for you, I promise you. Just please, please, don’t hurt yourself.” Mom’s voice cracked near the end of her statement, and I shut my eyes tight, wishing that the action would make me just disappear. To cease existence would have been bliss. I left only destruction in my wake, and now I had managed to even cause my own mother unbearable pain. My only intention had been to destroy myself, not the few people in the world who actually cared about me. My hell was my own hell and mother should never have received exposure to it.

Mikasa finally spoke.

“I promise to be here for you too, Eren. I’m sorry I never noticed how much you were struggling. I’m sorry I never stopped dad, either. Please forgive me.” Mikasa did not cry, but the pain in her tone was impossible to miss. Pain ripped viciously through me that had no relation to my weakened physical state.

I refused to open my eyes. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face the two people who stood before me, who wanted nothing more than to help me be the happy person I used to be so long ago. So, so long ago. I still doubt that I once existed that way. 

I heard a small click, and the door to my hospital room sounded like it had just swung open. Embarrassed that I was nothing more than a sobbing mess hooked up to machines that kept life in the one person in the room who wanted death to visit the most, my eyes remained tightly shut. I could make out two different sets of footsteps; they both approached my bed. 

“You have a visitor.” The doctor said softly, indicating that I should open my eyes. I listened to the various breathing patterns of the four people who surrounded my bed. Their breathing was the only source of sound in the room other than the distinctive noise that emanated from the machines. 

When I knew it was pointless to remain unresponsive for any longer, my eyes opened again with reluctance. I’d already known the visitor would be Levi; there was nobody else other than mom and Mikasa who would bother to visit me in the hospital. And so I just took a deep, shuddering breath as I caught sight of tired eyes placed on a deeply worried face. His hair was messier than it normally was and his clothes were wrinkled, and I determined that he’d been wearing them for a couple of days now. He reeked of cigarette smoke; I could tell immediately that he’d been smoking more than he usually did.

“Could we have a moment?” I asked quietly; just loud enough so that the others would hear. They all nodded and gave a variation of “yes” as the trio removed themselves from the sterile walls that surrounded Levi and I. As soon as the others were completely gone, Levi’s calm dissolved to nothing.

He fell to his knees and reached up with obvious desperation so that he could take my hand into his own. 

He held my hand up to his head and he pressed his face against it, as if he was confirming its reality. The tips of his black hair tickled the top of my hand. I felt a drop of liquid hit the surface of my hand, and I realized with alarm that Levi had begun to cry. Not once had he cried in my presence before, and my body began to shake even harder than it had before. 

“I thought for sure I’d lost you. I thought you were being taken away from me forever.” His voice came out in a line of strangled words that barely flowed together properly, and that broken melody would haunt me for months to come. And to think that I was the source of his lost composure. The college kid that I’d once been so positive had his life completely together; unbreakable and untouchable. And here he was, crying shamelessly on the floor. I wasn’t supposed to hurt him. He was supposed to walk out on me the second I caused him pain. What a breakable promise that had proven to be. 

I was overwhelmed; it was all too much. My family’s discovery of my own self-destruction. Levi crying right in front of me. Being alive at all was too much to handle. 

My body was still as Levi knelt down beside me. I sat there and cried as he kept his face pressed up against my hand, because that was all I knew how to do. Fucking cry. And cry. And cry. Cry for my own shitty life, cry for Levi who cried for me. Whatever it was for, those tears burned an acidic trail down my sickly face. Whatever they had me drugged up on, it wasn’t strong enough. Because I was far too fucking aware of everything that was happening, and drug-induced oblivion would have been a better fucking option. Way, way better. Fuck whoever was in charge of my drugs, because this low potency bullshit wasn’t what I needed.

There was no way to determine how much time had passed as we remained in that position. But eventually, Levi picked himself up off the ground; he kept a firm grasp on my hand even as he shifted himself back onto his feet. One of his hands fell from mine and he used it to trail his fingers lightly along my face. I trembled, undeserving of the comforting caress that his fingers offered my hideous being.

“You’re okay. You’re alive. Thank god, Eren. Thank god.” He tenderly wiped the tears away from my cheek; no matter how many times his fingers returned to my face, there were always more tears that had appeared. I was unable to halt their steady flow. They were endless.

“Are you okay?” He whispered, and I recognized that he was asking about more than just my physical state. Not that I was doing great physically, because there was still a lot of pain throughout my body. 

I sank back farther into the back of my hospital chair and refused to meet his concerned gaze.

“I don’t want to live anymore.” I regretted the words as soon as they flew out of my mouth, but there was no going back. It had been exactly what I wanted to say, after all.

“Eren…”

“No, listen to me. I hurt mom and Mikasa. They know exactly what I’ve done to myself. They blame themselves for my own mistakes. Dad beat me up so badly that I’m lying in a fucking hospital after almost dying. And I deserved it. You’re standing here crying because of me. This isn’t a life worth living. My existence means nothing positive. All I do is destroy everything around me. I want to go to sleep, Levi. But this time, I don’t want to wake up.”

“Oh, Eren, no. Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll get past this.”

“No, we won’t. Nothing ever goes right. They fucking saw my cuts and scars, Levi.”

“I know they did. But they love you and they care about you, and that won’t stop because of that.”

I decided to place my eyes upon Levi’s strong hand that grasped my weak one instead of answering him immediately. It was then that I truly realized that his hand had once held a razor blade just like I had. His hands had destroyed the exact same way that mine had. I noticed that he had a thin white scar on the top of his hand, which I guessed to be a slip of the hand that held his blade. I would never know for certain what the source of that scar was, however. His hand had caressed me so gently countless times, and it was difficult to imagine the havoc they had once wreaked. That hand belonged to the one that I loved. I knew my words were causing him pain right now, but I couldn’t keep them from escaping my toxic lips. Besides, if I died young, he would have the chance to move on. Or so I convinced myself.

“Eren?” Levi’s voice returned me to reality. After a time of consideration, I requested something from Levi. 

“I love you, Levi. But could you just…leave me alone?”

“What?” Genuine confusion seeped through his voice at the request.

“Not forever or anything. Just…I need…some time to myself. A few days to gather my thoughts.”

“Promise me you’ll stay safe.” That was what made Levi so great; he didn’t question me about it. He simply accepted it because it was what I wanted. But he was still concerned for me, which I knew would never change. Lord, he really did deserve someone better than me.

“I will.”

“…Not even phone calls?”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I understand.” I tried to ignore the sadness in his tone. But I really did need time to myself. Dad’s last attack had left me completely broken, which was saying something, because I sure as hell wasn’t put together previously. All I wanted was to go home and lay in my bed for days on end, consuming the wonderfully powerful painkillers that were guaranteed to be given to me due to my surgery. I was vaguely aware that I should have been in school, considering it was…Tuesday? Yeah, probably Tuesday. Ah, well. Taking a week off of school wouldn’t kill me. Even if it did, at that point, I didn’t give a shit.

“I’ll call you…in a few days.” I said, trying to sound cheerful for Levi. It was difficult when my voice was still shaky and my face stained with the horrid liquid acid they call tears. It was surreal making eye contact with Levi when his eyes were so familiar and yet so foreign with the remnants of his own tears still lingering within their depths.

“You seriously want me to leave right this minute?”

I thought for a minute.

“No, you may as well stay until I know when they’re letting me the fuck out of here.”

“Fair enough. Move over.” Moving was difficult, but I managed to shove my thin body over far enough for Levi to sit beside me semi-comfortably. He wrapped one of his arms around my shoulder and I leaned into him, closing my eyes. I was tired. Really, really tired. I closed my eyes and was well on my way to sleep when the door opened, announcing the return of my family and doctor. 

My doctor discussed with us all when I would be going home; it turned out I could go home the following morning, as long as nothing went wrong. As promised, Levi left after my time of departure was announced, and I reiterated that I would call him in a few days. Mom and Mikasa slept in the room with me, and the next morning, they took me home. I told mom I could handle my medication schedule myself and reported that I was exhausted; my pills and I crawled into bed immediately and after taking my allotted dosage, I curled up and waited for sleep to overtake me and relieve me from the unrelenting onslaught of thoughts that were coursing haphazardly through my mind. Mom woke me up to offer me some dinner; I declined the offer and opted to continue sleeping the entire day away from beginning to end.


	14. Limits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is left alone in his room only to be joined by Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once you make it near the end you should totally listen to Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse because that song gives me a lot of feelings ;u;

Mikasa had already called and told Erwin the situation at hand, because technically I should have been at work on Monday and Tuesday, and then on Thursday and Friday. I didn’t have to call in for the latter, because Mikasa just told him I needed time off for at least the rest of the week; I was supposed to call him myself next week and we would go from there. Mom called into school for me, so I didn’t have to muster up the energy to deal with that, either.

On Wednesday night, I woke up screaming in the middle of the night. In my nightmare, I’d driven to Levi’s apartment myself so that I could spend the weekend with him. He was going to pick me up but he never arrived, so I hopped in my freezing-cold car and jacked up the heat before driving off to Levi’s, worry eating away at me as I wound through the streets. It was one of my more vivid nightmares, definitely; it was every bit as realistic as the nightmares involving the crash always were. The clock in my car told me that it was six-thirty; one hour after I was supposed to meet Levi a block away from my house. I pulled up the apartment and found myself running up the stairs and opening the door hastily, scanning my eyes desperately around the room for my boyfriend.

I found him in the living room.

His lifeless body hung grotesquely from a noose that had been suspended on his ceiling. A small black stool was placed under Levi’s suspended feet. His eyes were still open and they lifelessly stared into the space directly ahead of him; which happened to be the direction in which I was standing. 

I screamed. 

And screamed.

And fucking screamed.

I woke up screaming bloody murder and my hand instinctively flew to my phone; my first instinct was to call Levi for two purposes; to make sure he was okay and to let him help calm me down until I could fall back asleep. But my full stream of consciousness returned to me and I remembered how I had told Levi I wanted a few days to myself. Thus far, I had only slept; I hadn’t given myself time to think about anything in excruciating detail and instead fed myself my medication and curled up in my soft bed. I kept my curtains shut as tightly as I could in an effort to keep out any source of light other than the soft glow of my television. The TV played reruns of old TV shows as I kept myself in a state of unconsciousness. I couldn’t be bothered to do anything else. The idea of just getting up and doing something exhausted me.

I let my hand drop back down and fall back onto the bed. There was a knock at my door and when I didn’t respond, mom walked in.

“Eren? Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Bad dream.” I muttered. I was facing away from her, curled up in the fetal position underneath the heap of blankets I’d covered myself with earlier in the day. No number of blankets was enough to keep my hidden from the world, even though I every time I woke up, I was drenched in sweat. The sound of heat pouring through the vents filled the room with a low hum, along with the quiet drone of the TV. No light peeked in through the areas that my curtains didn’t quite reach, and I knew it had to be some point in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to have to deal with seeing mom’s concern spread across her face, so I didn’t turn around to look at the clock. Mom stayed in the room for a couple of minutes before sleepily telling me that if I needed anything, I knew where to find her. Because I would most definitely take the five year old course of action and crawl into bed beside my mommy when I had a nightmare. Yeah, that would totally happen.

Once she was gone, I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to return to me and once more allow me escape from my personal hell.

-x-

On Thursday morning, I woke up sometime early in the afternoon. I took my morning painkiller as soon as I was awake and stared at the TV for about a half hour before my mind went into overdrive, as usual. I felt wide awake, and I knew I would be conscious for some time before I would manage to fall asleep again; I’d gotten damn near twenty-four hours of sleep, after all. My demons came out to play, and the most dominant thought in my mind was that I should just die. Just leave the earth and let the world keep spinning without my presence, because that would make it a better place. Just as I had told Levi, my life was not one worth living.

Without turning around, I felt around the nightstand for my bottle of medication that I had grabbed from only a half hour ago. I picked it up and turned it over slowly in my hands, scrutinizing the abundance of pills confined within the cylinder. It then hit me exactly how much potency the pills had, and that they were in my possession. They were at my disposal to do with as I pleased. 

I had always imagined that I would kill myself at night, assuming I ever actually became desperate enough to kill myself. And so I decided against consuming the whole bottle of medication right then and there. No, I would wait until later in the night when I was guaranteed to be the only one awake. For the last time, I would be the last one up, letting the demons devour my pathetic soul until there was nothing left. The difference this time, however, was that they would finally reach their ultimate victory and claim my life. I was calmed momentarily as I imagined what it would be like, finally receiving the death I’d deserved all along. But perhaps it was better that I had stayed alive up to this point; I deserved to live through hell before resting for eternity. 

I took my last day as an opportunity to continue the destruction of my body that I’d been working on constantly for over a year. Besides, grabbing my blades didn’t require getting up; all I had to do was reach over into the nightstand and grab some of the many blades that littered the drawer. My bloody rag was lying discarded on the floor across the room, and I didn’t bother to get up and grab it. I didn’t care if I got blood all over my sheets and comforter; once night fell, it wouldn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t care about anything anymore, so I may as well allow the vulgar scene of lying surrounded in my own blood to happen. These were my last cuts, I realized.

Sanity escaped me as the sharp edge of the blade tore viciously over and over into my skin. Crimson relief poured from the newly opened fissures and onto the bed that had already received my blood on plenty of previous occasions. But this time, no form of cloth or bandage restricted its movement, and the sheets were soon soaked. They transferred blood onto me as I transferred blood onto them, and the grotesqueness of the sight must have been extremely high. 

When both of my arms were ravaged enough for my satisfaction, I tossed the blades carelessly onto the floor. I glanced over at the bottle of medication that lay only a few inches away from me on my bed’s surface. I wanted my death to be guaranteed, but I determined that I could spare enough to feel their effects as I attempted to sleep the afternoon away. Before I took the pills, I reached over the edge of the bed and grabbed my backpack, which was thankfully shoved up against my nightstand. I pulled out a notebook and black pen and did my best to avoid getting blood on the paper that I quickly placed my words upon. When I had completed the task to the best of my ability, my attention went back to the desirable medication in front of me.

Many of the fresh wounds lining my skin were still bleeding when I lifted the pills to my lips and swallowed; I had a glass of water from yesterday set on my nightstand and that helped them go down quicker and more efficiently. I had taken more at once than I’d ever taken previously, and the difference was certainly noticeable. I felt nauseous as I closed my eyes and secured the blood-stained blankets around my weak, mutilated body. I fell asleep with the knowledge that when I woke up, I would empty the bottle of pills and let the life desert my horrid body.

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

I’d been unable to get much sleep the previous night; I was too worried about Eren. I knew that Eren truly desired several days as far away from human contact as he could possibly manage, but the more that I thought about it, the more dangerous the situation became. Eren’s family had promised to protect him and do their best for him, but if he was alone, he could do anything. I wanted to believe him when he promised me that he’d stay safe, I really did. 

My wish to believe in his promise had temporarily blinded me against the severity of the situation.

The longer I sat at home thinking about Eren, the more worried I became for his safety. I coughed as I smoked my latest cigarette, and I realized that I’d just managed to chain-smoke a whole pack in one sitting. 

I looked up at the clock and discovered that it was around four ‘o clock in the afternoon. 

I decided to go see Eren despite my assurance that I would provide him space. If he proved to be safe in his home environment, I would leave when he got mad at me for showing up out of the blue. I regretted agreeing to this bullshit in the first place; of course Eren wasn’t fine. I had a feeling that I’d made the wrong choice by allowing Eren to be left to his own devices for more than a day.

I hastily got up off the couch and grabbed my leather jacket from the coat-rack. I pulled it on as I grabbed my keys and went right out the door.

About ten minutes later, I pulled up to Eren’s house, and realization dawned on me that I had never been inside his house before. Three cars sat in the driveway, so I could tell everyone was home. I spotted Eren’s car parked along the curb. I parked my motorcycle behind Eren’s car and climbed off of it in favor of striding up to the door and ringing the doorbell, anxiously awaiting an answer. A long moment later, the door opened slowly and my eyes met the eyes of Carla Yeager. She smiled and looked relieved to see me; I had the suspicion that she’d been reluctant to answer the door for fear of the possibility of it being Eren’s dad, even though he wasn’t allowed to return to that house. I asked if I could go spend some time with Eren and she said that was a wonderful idea.

I followed Carla through the house and after strolling through the kitchen, living room, and down a hallway connected to the living room, she stopped in front of a plain wooden door. The air around that door felt unsettlingly heavy, and I suddenly dreaded walking into the room, terrified of what I could find. 

I took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping into the room; I looked back and thanked Carla as I crossed the threshold into the darkened room. I shut the door behind me and scanned my surroundings. The only light that filled the room emanated from the TV; the blinds were shut and all of the lights were turned off.

Eren’s bed was shoved up against the wall on the opposite side of the room from where I was standing. There was a heap of blankets piled on top of the bed, and I could barely see the edge of Eren’s head peeking out from the edges. He was facing away from me. I glanced to the side of the room and found a rag with a bunch of dark spots that were undoubtedly blood spread across it thrown carelessly on the floor. I took three steps towards Eren before pausing again. His nightstand was adorned with several objects; a bottle of medication and several crumpled up pieces of paper were what caught my eye. 

Another few steps and I was directly in front of Eren’s bed. He hadn’t moved or acknowledged my presence in any way as I approached. Since I had taken off my shoes upon arrival into the house, I only had socks adorning my feet. I stepped on something hard and bent down to take a closer look. Several razor blades of varying sizes were littered beside Eren’s bed. I picked one up and noticed that dried blood ran along the edge of the sharp blade. It was horrible to think that it was Eren’s blood staining the blades he’d tossed onto the floor.

Overall, the sights all around me were disturbing. I was in the room of a person who had lost all hope.  
The room of somebody who was about to kill themself.

I took one final long-winded breath before sitting down on the edge of Eren’s bed, praying that I wouldn’t lose all composure as soon as I opened my mouth to speak.  
-x-

[Eren’s POV]

I had been out cold when I woke up to the sound of quick, flittering knocking at my door. I felt sluggish and dizziness took a grip on me as I came back to full-on consciousness. I closed my mouth; it had been hanging wide open and a puddle of drool lay on the pillow beneath my dry lips. I didn’t respond to the knock on the door and instead closed my eyes again; if I pretended that the incessant knocking hadn’t waken me, perhaps mother or Mikasa would give up and just leave. 

“Eren?” Came mother’s voice from outside my room. I remained silent.

Her voice was lowered slightly when she spoke again but I was still able to catch what she’d said. She’d told another person that they could just go into my room and that I was probably just sleeping. I was filled with dread when my hazy mind registered that there was only one person other than mother or Mikasa who could possibly be seeking my company. 

I listened as my door creaked open and as footsteps entered the room before the door closed behind them. The footsteps paused before resuming. Step, step, step. Roughly fifteen steps later, and he was standing right in front of my bed. Oh god, just go away. Get the fuck away from me and my blood-soaked blankets.

“Eren, I know you’re awake.” His voice was soft and gentle as he sat down beside me on the bed; there was plenty of room since I’d shoved myself practically up against the wall. 

“I told you to stay away.” I muttered; my speech came out slightly slurred. 

“I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.” He said, and I heard the faint rustle of paper being picked up; he’d found the crumpled up balls of paper that were spread haphazardly across my nightstand. I would have snatched them away before he could un-crumple them and examine the words messily scrawled along the notebook paper, but I just didn’t care anymore. If Levi wanted to look at my failed attempts at suicide notes, that was up to him. I didn’t care.

A fair majority of the words had been scribbled out; the only parts of the notes that I’d begun to write that were left untouched were the first line of each paper, which announced the recipient for which the note was meant. There were three pieces of paper; one was addressed to mother, one was addressed to Mikasa, and the final paper was addressed to Levi. I tried to get myself to fall back asleep, but was unable to knowing that Levi was looking at the notes. He’d also probably seen the blades on my floor and the bloody rag on the other side of the room. 

My heart skipped a beat out of terror when I realized that as long as Levi was around, I wouldn’t be able to kill myself.

If he didn’t leave, I couldn’t swallow every pill in the bottle of medication in quick succession. 

Fuck.

I should have just done it when I had the chance. And now I was fucked.

“Leave.” I snarled, clutching the fabric of my blankets between my fingers as anger and self-loathing took over. He was supposed to stay away from me. I was supposed to be alone in my room tonight to be the cause of my own death. And now that was ruined, just like everything else in my world. If only he had waited one more day to see me; I could have been gone from the world.

“No.” He replied; it wasn’t harsh or unkind sounding. If anything, it was an agonizingly sad, sorrowful way of saying no.

“What would it take to get you to leave?” Again, my words ran together awkwardly into a form of slurred speech.

“For you to no longer want to kill yourself.”

“You’ll be here a long time, then.”

“I have time.”

“No, you have work and school.” I barely had the energy to fight against him verbally, and it was miracle that I’d even responded to him at all. More than once, no less.

“I’ll take all of the time off from them that I need to. You’re my first concern.”

This time, I didn’t respond. I wanted to scream, but that would have taken too much energy. I lay there silently, on the verge of another breakdown that would have entailed hysteric sobbing and shaking. I could feel his presence on the bed, and I couldn’t tell whether it were comforting or infuriating. Everything was ruined. Everything was shit. I was going to live through the night because of a person I never even deserved to have in my life. I was thankful that I was facing the wall; I wouldn’t have been able to bear looking into Levi’s eyes.

I tried to focus on everything other than Levi; I focused on the feeling of the blankets pressed into my open wounds, guaranteeing the re-opening of the wounds as soon as my skin was pulled away from them. I focused on the muffled voices emanating from the television; they were laughing at some humorous joke, and the oxymoronic relationship to what was happening in reality was painful to think about. I focused on steadying my breathing, hoping it would help lull me to sleep. Everything in my life was so horridly wrong and it was unbearable. 

I had absolutely no clue how long I had been laying there with Levi sitting beside me, but eventually, I felt the thin tendrils of sleep begin to cling onto me. As my breathing evened out in preparation for the steady tempo of sleep, Levi’s hand settled itself lightly on my head. He smoothed my messy hair and stroked it slowly and gently, and I felt the subtlest form of comfort as I fell asleep, mind still weighed down with the effects of taking more medication than I should have. But when I awoke again, that miniscule sense of comfort would be gone completely and be taken over with the overwhelming desire of escape.

-x-

The next time my eyes fluttered open, I halfway expected Levi’s visit to have been nothing more than a dream, and that I would be alone in my room with that precious bottle of pills. My mind had cleared a bit but the effects of my medication still hadn’t completely worn off. Still facing the wall, I didn’t even realize that Levi was sitting right next to me. I tugged my arm away from the pile of blankets around me and reached over, feeling for my medication. As soon as my hand grasped that bottle of pills, I would sit up slowly and grab a glass of water from my nightstand. And then I would end it all. I was soothed by the thought of falling asleep for one last time, never to wake again.

My movements became quicker and more desperate when they didn’t find the much-needed bottle. My hands clawed the air violently, panicking as I realized my hand had made contact with the entire surface of the nightstand, never once touching the smooth container of pills.

A hand lightly brushed my own and it was brought to my attention that I wasn’t alone, and I vaguely remembered that Levi had arrived earlier, much to my dismay. I jerked my hand away quickly, horrified that Levi was with me. It was nighttime, but I couldn’t follow through with my plans for the night, and it really pissed me off. 

“I have your meds.” Levi said gently, and I slowly turned to face him, fury giving more light to my turquoise-green eyes than they’d had in weeks. It was probably a hideous sight, my furious and desperate face staring at Levi with cold hatred.

“Give me that fucking bottle.” I hissed. More monster than human. Then again, had I really been so human all this time? My crudely hacked arms and body wrapped in blood-soaked sheets told me otherwise.

“No.”

“Give it to me!” My voice had risen to a shout.

“Eren.”

“Just get the fuck away from me and let me kill myself! Hand the fucking thing over, Levi!” I reached out and grabbed his arm, clutching the fabric between my blood-stained fingers fervently as I stared wildly into his eyes, all sense of control having fled. 

I thought I’d already seen Levi’s most sorrowful expression back in the hospital room. I was wrong; this was far worse. He looked like he was about to double over in physical pain as he shifted his eyes back and forth between my anguished face and my bloody hand weakly clinging to his jacket. I realized that when he came, I was huddled so far underneath the blankets that he probably hadn’t gotten the chance to see my arm and the rough, jagged lines that I’d hacked into them earlier in the day. That felt like an eternity ago. 

“You really do want to die.” He whispered forlornly, and I don’t think I was meant to even hear it. We remained like that for several long, drawn-out minutes before I opened my mouth again.

“Give it to me, Levi. Just give it to me. Please, just hand it over. Let me have it. Please, Levi.” I pleaded, tugging on his jacket as I did so. I’d broken down countless times before, but this time beat out all of the rest by far. I had completely lost the will to live and each waking moment was agony, even in the presence of the one who loved me so much. There was nothing that I needed more than that bottle of pills. Desperation and misery was all there was in that moment. Levi had tried so hard to put me back together, and it was all for nothing. 

Levi was silent. Nothing was eerier and more pathetic than the silence that filled the heavy air as I clung to that leather, pleading for a means to end it all for good.

“Levi. Please. I need that. I need it, alright? Just give it to me. Give it to me and leave. Please, please, please.”

“Eren…”

“Please.”

That was it. I had hit rock bottom. I begged for my own death. I begged my own boyfriend to allow me to escape the suffocation of life. 

And suddenly those strong arms were around me, holding me more tightly than they ever had before. He held me like if he didn’t, I would fall apart. I certainly fell like I had fallen apart at the seams; millions of shards that would be impossible to piece together ever again. 

For once, I didn’t cry. I just sat there, unresponsive as Levi tried to his damnedest to keep me together. He was missing work to protect me from my own worst enemy. Everything had happened so quickly, and I had no clue what to think. Countless thoughts ran through my mind in a blurry mess and I was vaguely aware that Levi’s head was buried into my shoulder. The thought of death was so disturbingly comforting that it terrified me to think about how eager I was to welcome it. 

It was impossible to measure the time that had passed as we sat there unmoving, Levi crying into my shoulder and me staring blankly into the space ahead of me. But eventually, I decided to undergo the monumental task of getting up and heading over to the bathroom to pee, because I couldn’t ignore that need forever no matter how hard I tried. I feebly struggled away from Levi’s tight embrace, and he lifted his head from my shoulder. He gave me a questioning look, unable to determine what my next action was going to be. Those consumed with their own insanity are beyond predictability, after all.

“Bathroom.” I muttered. He nodded and dropped his arms from around me, albeit reluctantly. 

I attempted to get up from the bed, and while I did have some success, I stumbled as soon as my feet hit the floor and almost fell. I was unsteady on my feet after having done nothing but lay down for the past several days, and my legs shook as I stood. I tried to take a step forward and would have landed heavily on the floor had Levi not been there instantaneously. He helped keep me standing upright as I made my way slowly to the door. One of the cuts on my arms had apparently been irritated at some point, and a thin trail of blood traveled quickly down my arm and dripped onto my carpet. I stopped walking in order to stare at the drop of blood that stained the carpet. Levi took notice of my sudden halt in movement and realized why I had stopped. 

“Can you stand without my support for a second?”

I nodded, even though I wasn’t quite sure I could. He walked a couple of feet and bent down; when he returned, he held my blood-stained rag in his hands. He gingerly wiped the blood away and pressed the cloth into the open wound so help it cease bleeding. I looked away as he did so, because the agony that he was unable to keep from showing on his face was unbearable. He set the rag back down on the floor for lack of a better option before striding over to my dresser. I focused all of my energy on remaining upright as he opened the various drawers until he found what he wanted; he pulled out a black zip-up sweatshirt and returned to me. He gently took one of my arms and pulled the fabric over it; he did the same for the other one.

“In case your mom or Mikasa happen to see you.” He said, and I understood. I was unable to keep a bitter laugh from escaping my chapped lips; I used to be so careful about that. I would never have let myself step outside my room without my arms sufficiently covered before. That was when I thought things couldn’t get any worse than they already were, and I had been wrong. So horridly wrong.

Levi’s arms were back around me as a means of support as I walked the rest of the way to my door, although now I was having less trouble on my feet. He remained in my room as I walked over to the bathroom. The first thing I did was stand in front of the mirror and take in the sight that awaited me. My hair was in complete disarray around my face, which was haunting, to say the least. I had eaten hardly anything in the past week. My face was hollow and pale, and my eyes looked dead, having lost the intense fury that returned some form of expression to them before. I lifted my hand to reach out and touch the gruesome reflection staring numbly back at me. As my hands came into view of the mirror, I noticed the dried blood spread over them. I couldn’t bring myself to lift up the sleeves of my sweatshirt and examine what lay underneath. This was what I had become.

When I returned to my room, Levi was standing beside my bed. I didn’t take off the sweatshirt that Levi had dressed me in and instead just crawled back into bed. I lay my head down miserably on my pillow and instinctually curled up into the fetal position.

“You’re not going to give me the pills.” 

“No, I’m not.”

“But I want to die.” I whispered, closing my eyes.

“I know.” He said, sadness lacing his voice. He took his place sitting beside me on the bed and leaned over me.

“I love you. I don’t want you to die.” He whispered in my ear, and I shut my eyes tighter than I had before. I just wanted to return to my drug-aided sleep. Forever.

Silence filled the air as I tried to vanish from reality. If only Levi would leave, let me die, and forget about me so that he could live the happy life that he deserved without having to deal with me. 

“Just leave…” I pleaded, even though I knew Levi wouldn’t fulfill that request. Levi didn’t try to lie beside me or anything; he was content just sitting by my side, a guardian angel protecting the one who was so desperate to flee from life. 

By some form of a miracle, I managed to fall asleep. A deep, dreamless slumber kept me asleep for the remainder of the night, and I did wake up the next morning, in spite of my plans to never see the light of day again.

-x-

I woke up the next morning, arms in a fair amount of pain and a dull ache spread throughout me, reminding me that my medication served a purpose other than taking my life. I rolled over to grab the pills from the nightstand, once again having forgotten the second presence in my bed. He had fallen asleep leaning up against the headboard, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. I still wished that I hadn’t woken up again, but I wasn’t as desperate to off myself as I had been yesterday. I shuddered as I remember the intensity of my pleading for Levi to give me my little bottle of meds the previous day. 

Hunger ate away at me but I ignored it, as had become routine. A thin ray of sunlight had found its way into the room, and I gave it a look of disdain; light did not belong in my room. As I lay scanning my surroundings, one of my blankets rubbed up against my arm and I remembered how bad my cuts had been yesterday, and how I had let the blood spread everywhere as it pleased. I hesitantly lifted some of the blankets away from me to scan the damage, and it really was disturbing. My pale blue comforter and sheets were spotted in countless places with darkened crimson that had soaked them. I’d assumed that I wouldn’t be around to wash the stains out of them, so it hadn’t mattered. Although, in my mind, it still didn’t matter all that much. If I was going to live, I may as well be surrounded by my own blood.

As I stared at the ruined blankets, Levi stirred beside me. I dropped the blankets clutched in my hands and laid my head back down, closing my eyes. I wasn’t ready to face the day, that was for sure. 

“You’re up.” Levi said, hand reaching out instinctually to lightly touch my face; he had the habit of doing that first thing in the morning when he woke up. I let him; there was no use flinching away from the touch. 

“Meds.” I said, too lethargic to expand on the statement. Levi was always more than capable of figuring out what I meant, anyways. He handed me a glass of water that had been in my room since yesterday along with one of my pills. Just one. There hadn’t been a single time that I’d only taken just one of the capsules. I swallowed it in one quick gulp before resting my head back on the pillow. I turned away from Levi and opted to just ignore him. I was too hot under the pile of blankets, but I didn’t move any of them away from me.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, sitting up on the bed beside me.

“Dead.” I replied, regretting the dramatic choice of response but meaning it completely. I sure as hell didn’t feel alive, I could tell you that. I thought I could hear the faint sound of Levi’s sigh after I answered his question. 

“I wish I could make it better.” Came his sorrowful reply, and I bit down on my lip. Hard. It wasn’t Levi’s fault that I fervently wished for eternal sleep. 

I didn’t intend to reply to him, but “I’m sorry” slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. It was an apology for everything. For my own self-hatred, for wanting to kill myself when somebody who cared about me so incredibly much sat right beside me. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, the sound barely audible over the TV’s constant hum.

His hand moved to my hair and he stroked it slowly; his favorite gesture of comfort to use on me. I closed my eyes and my heart ached with guilt over how much Levi cared about me. 

“I don’t want to move today.” I mumbled, feeling the single pill take its effect much more subtly than I was used to, considering the difference in dose amount between my own control and Levi’s control over my meds. I wondered if I would ever find the motivation to crawl out of bed again. Maybe if I spent enough time lying curled in the fetal position on my bed, I would waste away to nothing and finally close my eyes for the last time. 

“You don’t have to.” Levi said gently. 

“…Good.” I replied with a yawn. I decided that I would never get sick of sleeping. Ignoring reality was plenty easy. Locked away in my room and hidden under a heap of warm blankets, school and work and my dad didn’t exist. That fact didn’t ease my misery, but still, that fact remained true.

I managed to stay in the abyss of sleep for pretty much the entire day. I slept straight from roughly eleven in the morning to six ‘o clock in the evening. I don’t think Levi even moved an inch as I slept, because as far as I could tell, he was in the exact same position that he’d been in when I fell asleep. I noticed that the tips of his hair were damp; he’d helped himself to the shower while I’d been fast asleep. When I’d been awake for a few minutes, Levi spoke. 

“Hey, you should eat something. You haven’t eaten since I got here.”

“Don’t feel like it.” I replied.

“Not even a piece of toast?”

“No.”

He managed to coax me into eating a single piece of toast. My stomach demanded more after being teased with a small bit of food, but I didn’t ask for more. Too tired. Far, far too tired.

Because I had slept so much lately, I had trouble falling asleep again after I finished my food. Levi provided me with my evening dose of meds; another dosage of just one.

“I can’t sleep.” I said quietly.

“You’ve slept a lot, Eren.”

“It’s not fair. I want to sleep more.”

“I know. Do you want to watch TV for a while instead?”

“No. I want to sleep.”

“But Criminal Minds is on.” Levi knew I enjoyed Criminal Minds; I always watched it when marathons were on. I’d spent a fair number of Saturdays watching it from my perch on Levi’s lap as we lay cuddled together on his couch. Sleep wasn’t about to come easily to me, so I lifted my head up slightly to verify that what was displayed on the TV was indeed Criminal Minds. 

When I could confirm that it was on, I asked Levi to turn up the volume, since it was still on the volume I keep it on while I sleep. Levi obliged as soon as the words were out of my mouth, and Reid’s voice filled the room as he went on a long-winded explanation of some theory another character had mentioned in an offhand comment. I lifted my head up and attempted to set my pillows up against the headboard so that I could watch TV without really sitting up. Levi noticed my attempts and helped me, propping them up for me as I shifted position. 

My eye itched and I lifted my hand to rub at it. When my arm dropped back down to my side, I kept it above the pile of blankets spread over me. As I watched TV alongside Levi, he placed his own hand over mine; the simple contact connected the healed and the broken. I still felt like there was no hope left in life, but I couldn’t deny that I was beginning to feel the tiniest bit better. 

Luckily, it was a marathon that was on. After about two hours of watching CM, my eyelids managed to become heavy again. I leaned into Levi and let my eyes fall shut. I felt Levi’s hand leave mine right before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer into him. He held me close, and before I knew it, there were tears in my eyes. I had no clue what the reason for my tears was, all I knew was that they were real and that I was alive.

I was alive. Had Levi not come, I would never have cried again. And in that moment, I wasn’t sure whether I preferred it that way or not. Another question I didn’t know the answer to; there seemed to be a lot of those lately.

My mind drifted away into the realm of unconsciousness while I was engulfed in Levi’s familiar, comforting arms.

-x-

On Friday morning, I opened my eyes to find that I was still in Levi’s arms, but we were both lying down. The TV was off, so the room was completely silent. Levi must have turned it off when he was ready for bed. He was still wearing the clothing he’d been wearing when he arrived a couple of days ago, but he had finally stripped himself of his leather jacket. 

I caused myself mixed emotions when I realized that I was glad to wake up with Levi, which meant that I was grateful to have woken up at all. God, I loathed thinking. Thinking sucked. Emotions sucked. Everything sucked. But I couldn’t deny that today seemed like it would be more bearable than the past several. At the very least, I didn’t think I was going to flirt with insanity while begging for Levi to let me kill myself. However, it was still for the best that I wasn’t in possession of my meds. Jesus, everything was confusing. At the same time, however, my mind possessed far more clarity than it had in days. Weeks, even.

I moved closer to Levi, burying my face in his chest as horrid thoughts mixed with memories of my time with Levi that reminded me that there was some small shred of light at the end of the tunnel I had nearly given up on traveling through. If two days ago was for desperation and yesterday was for resigned sadness, then today was set aside for the new beginnings of hope. The mood in the air had shifted overnight into something far more positive than before. It’s difficult to accurately describe the tangibility of the changed mood, but it was definitely there. It was the feeling after a major storm had passed, when the survivors all peek out of their hideouts, realizing that the worst of it is over.

…Could the worst of it possibly be over?

Levi was here. Levi had somehow known that it was crucial he come find me and refuse to leave my side, and because of that, I didn’t die two days ago. It was difficult to believe that the body laying so close to mine could even be real. But he was, and yet again, he had saved me. 

Levi was here and dad wasn’t. Mom told me right before we left the hospital that dad had packed his bags and was gone back to work; even back at work, he wasn’t allowed to come back to our house ever again, and if he did, he’d be faced with time in prison, most likely. He really was gone, according to everyone. Reality hadn’t set in until now that I would never again be faced with dad beating the living shit out of me. Hesitance to believe my dad was really gone still coursed through me; I needed another person to confirm it for me, to make it a truth as opposed to a fleeting thought.

While I was engulfed in my reverie, Levi had woken up; I pulled my face away from his chest and looked up to see that he was looking at me; that is, until he closed his eyes and let out a drawn-out yawn. He moved one of his arms away from my back and rubbed his eyes. 

“Good morning.” He said; I assume he noticed the shift of my facial expression. I thought that before, it was impossible to love Levi more than I did. But suddenly it hit me that Levi had stayed with me for several days without a second of hesitation just to make sure I didn’t kill myself. And had he not been there, there’s not a single doubt in my mind that I would be wasting away in a coffin right now, soul buried deep in hell, because I sure as fuck wasn’t going to make it to heaven. And suddenly I remembered the way he had held me for the first time, sobbing right after my dad beat me in the middle of work. He’d protected me both from my dad and myself. 

Light at the end of the tunnel. It was right in front of me; I’d just needed to turn the corner and realize it. I was still buried in that tunnel, but that light was there. And that light was Levi.

My thoughts returned to dad, and the first words that fell out of my mouth for the day were, “Is dad really gone?” Those words were the most harmless that had fallen out of my mouth lately, and Levi seemed overjoyed. 

“Of course he is. He’s not allowed anywhere near any of you, or this house. It’s over, Eren. You’ll never be beaten by your dad again.”

I nodded and pried myself away from him so that I could sit up in bed. So one of the biggest causes for my misery over the past months really had made its much-needed exit. I gingerly sat up and rubbed my head; I’d woken up with an intense headache, I realized. I caught sight of my arms and sighed heavily. I may have been semi-ready to accept life and begin the tedious process that was healing, but my wounds were slightly behind my mindset. At least none of them were in much danger of breaking open again. Even so, my mood would go downhill if I looked at them too long.

“Hey, Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t feel as shitty today.” 

“I’m glad, Eren.” He replied with genuine happiness as he sat up beside me, blankets falling lazily from his chest as he did so. He’d been wearing a white long-sleeved shirt for once, as opposed to his typical black ones. Sleep had messed up his hair quite a bit and yet it still looked great. Some people could manage that, I guess. Levi was definitely one of them.

As he leaned back against the bed’s headboard, I decided to ask him a question.

“Would you be willing to do me a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Could you bandage my arms for me?”

His head immediately shifted to the side and he looked into my eyes; his own were lit up with measurable surprise. The question had come out of nowhere, I will admit. And so I explained myself a bit.

“They’re…upsetting to look at.” I said honestly. 

As soon as the words had escaped from my mouth, Levi had gotten off of the bed and strode quickly towards the door. 

“I’ll be right back.” He said, and I knew he would be. Sure enough, only a single minute had passed before he was back in the room, first-aid kit clutched in his left hand. He took my left arm, which was by far worse and wrapped gauze bandaging around it with flawless precision and neatness, securing it tightly in place with medical tape. He did the same for the other arm. I didn’t look as he worked, deciding it best that I keep my eyes away from all of the cuts. I knew I couldn’t ignore them, but it still made me feel a bit better knowing they were hidden underneath carefully wrapped bandages.

“Thank you.” I said once Levi was finished; he snapped the kit shut and set it off to the side. I lay my head against his shoulder once he took his position beside me on the soft bed’s surface.

There was one more question that I wanted to ask; curiosity burned away at me and I couldn’t keep myself from asking.

“Levi?”

“What?”

"Have you ever wanted to kill yourself before?”

I felt his shoulder tense underneath my head and I immediately knew the answer. I lifted my head up and glance at his face; a pained grimace had spread across his face. 

“Forget I asked. I’m sorry.” I felt like shit as soon as I caught sight of his grim expression; I had asked a terrible question. I’d made another mistake.  
But Levi did not back down.

“Don’t be. Do you want to know the answer?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Levi sighed before speaking again.

“I remember that when I told you a bit about my past, I told you I hadn’t touched a hard drug since Petra’s death. Well, that wasn’t true. When I realized that my obsession was in control of me and that I was no longer the one in control, I broke down. One night after I cut deeper than I intended to, causing several imperfectly aligned cuts, I called up one of my old friends who had dealt me drugs quite a few times in the past. I paired two of my favorites together; I went straight for generous amounts of both heroin and cocaine that night. I completely destroyed any progress I had made in staying clean with that one night.

As you would probably assume, I didn’t stop at that one night. Only a couple days later, I was just as bad as I had been before Petra’s death. I began to cut myself while I was high; a bunch of hideously uneven hack-marks. They’re on my thighs, which is why you’ve never seen those scars before. They’re a completely different story from the ones on my arms. I completely lost functionality as a person.” 

I knew exactly how he felt; during my desperate pursuit of eternal sleep, I’d been unable to function properly, as well.

“During one of the few moments that I wasn’t completely fucked out of my mind, I realized how pathetic I had become. I had broken every promise that I’d made to both myself and to Petra. I couldn’t bear the thought, and there was only one option left, in my mind.

That night, I hung a noose from my ceiling. My last thought was an apology to Petra as I kicked the stool away from my feet so that I would hang there, life escaping my worthless body.” As he spoke, he’d touched his own neck lightly with his hand, as if he was surprised that he had made it past that night.

I gasped when he said that he had tried to hang himself; my nightmare from a few days ago had been exactly that. That made it far too easy to envision Levi swaying back and forth from the noose he had suspended himself. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, concern in his voice.

“I’m fine. It’s just …really sad to think. Go on.” I wasn’t lying; knowing my boyfriend had been in that place was absolutely heartbreaking. But it made total sense; I’d always felt like he’d been withholding some significant event from me when he talked about the past. I believe that subconsciously, I’d always suspected a past suicide attempt on his part. 

“It was by complete chance that my previously mentioned dealer had chosen that exact moment to invite himself over. I never bothered locking my door, so he was able to walk right in. We’d gotten high together often, and that was almost guaranteed to be the reason he decided to stop by. Anyways, fate’s plans for me differed from my own.”

I knew exactly how that felt.

“Naturally, he called 911. He may have been a dealer, but he was still my friend. It had been ridiculously unlikely for me to survive my attempt, but I did. Like I said, fate apparently wanted me to remain alive. When I woke up, realizing that I was still alive, I was hit with overwhelming gratitude that I hadn’t succeeded. It took a suicide attempt to make me feel alive again; I learned that I had wanted to change, not die. That was my turnaround point. That was what made me decide that I would live even if meaning was difficult to find in life. And I don’t regret not trying a second time; after all, life gave me you. Maybe you’re even the reason why life refused to leave me that night.

So, to answer your question, yes. I have. And that’s part of what made me so desperate to save you; of course, the main reason was because I love you, Eren. I really do. I don’t think I could live if I lost another person I loved. I wouldn’t have been able to move on knowing that you had taken your own life.”

I’d always thought that it was always Levi who was saving me, but that moment made me realize I had been incorrect. Because maybe, just maybe, I had saved him, too.

There were tears in Levi’s eyes. There were tears in my own eyes.

Despite our own demons that had wounded us so deeply and turned us into mere shells of our former selves, we were both alive. We’d both survived our own darkest moments.

We had each other.

And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say on this chapter, honestly-
> 
> Oh, and if anyone was wondering, on Tumblr I do track the "fic: help me stand" tag uwu
> 
> Edit; it's been brought to my attention that given the views of the characters and their mindsets on the subject of suicide (Particularly Levi's line- "It took a suicide attempt to make me feel alive again") could potentially be influential on my readers. I want it to be known that I care deeply for each and every one of my readers and that you guys mean the absolute world to me. Suicide is not okay and it never will be, so please, do not allow my own writing to influence your decisions in that direction.


	15. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are made and followed through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short, probably boring, but necessary chapter.

After clinging to each other and letting our tears flow without restraint for quite some time, Levi spoke. Our way of conversation returned to its natural state pretty quickly.

“Move in with me.” As was typical of him, he went straight to the point without any lead-up whatsoever. I leaned back so that he could see the dumbfounded expression on my face. He noticed it, because he continued on.

“Alright, hear me out here. Your dad is gone. Your mom and Mikasa are safe. I know this isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned it, but I really do think that’d be best for you.”

Levi was right; he’d mentioned several times that moving in with him was always an option. Up until now, I’d always rejected the thought immediately, for fear of dad’s reaction when I barely ever came home. He got upset when I left for a single day, and I’d always been terrified that if I stayed away for longer than a weekend, he would turn against the other two occupants of the house. The only reason that I’d agreed to staying with Levi for all of winter break was because of dad’s miniscule stretch of sobriety; even then, I’d met with a fair measure of hesitation over staying away for a whole week. 

But now, dad had been removed from the equation. Realistically, it was impossible to deny that I would most likely be much happier if I lived with Levi; there were too many horrifying memories buried in the house and room that I currently occupied to properly start over. Because I guess this would be considered my second chance at life, in the same way that Levi had been granted another shot when hanging himself didn’t kill him. And moving out of the house would be the perfect way to start, really. 

I was still worried about mom, of course. But I knew that she would be fine now that dad was gone; I had noticed even in the latest parts of my hospital stay that once she knew exactly what was going on with dad, a weight had been noticeably lifted off her shoulders. She was going to be just fine, and I knew that. If anything, she would just be worried about me. But as long as I went and visited her now and then, she’d figure out pretty quickly that moving out was the better decision.

Really, there was no longer any excuse for me to say no to Levi. Besides, going home would be considered a blessing when it was Levi who I would come home to and not my dad.

With that in mind, I finally responded to Levi. 

“I’ll need to have a talk with mom, because god knows that’ll be a process; I doubt she’ll be thrilled that her baby is leaving the nest.” Not that mom and I were close, because we weren’t. We’d never been all that close to begin with, but the past year and a half had set an entire ocean in between us. That didn’t mean she would be happy to see me go, by any means. 

Perhaps one day we would be close. But to hope for that to happen anytime was foolish. One step at a time.

“Didn’t take much convincing this time. I’ll admit I’m a bit surprised.” Levi said; his lips upturned the slightest bit as he spoke. 

I rolled my eyes. “You’re acting like I always told you “no” for my own amusement. Don’t look so smug, asshole.”

“Yeah, yeah. Shut up and let me bask in victory.” 

“Whatever. Bask in your glory while I go talk to mom, alright?” It was the first time I was willingly leaving my room in days. I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a cream-colored sweater that I hadn’t worn in ages; I was much more accustomed to hoodies. I paired it with a light pair of jeans and turned around to face Levi again. He raised his eyebrows at the sweater.

“Why don’t you wear that more often?”

“Never seemed right to wear, I guess.” That was the closest thing to a reason I could come up with. “Anyways, I’ll be right back.” 

I allowed myself a long-winded breath in preparation of setting foot back into the real world for more than just a minute-long stop by the bathroom. I couldn’t decide which was more surreal; the past several days or the existence of reality itself. I braced myself and crossed the threshold to the rest of the house.

Surprisingly enough, the ceiling didn’t collapse and the world didn’t stop spinning once I shut the door behind me. The world doesn’t stop its constant motion no matter how far behind you fall, I guess.

My mother was, naturally, completely oblivious to the storm that had dwelled in my room the past several days. As such, she did not understand the significance of the warm, gentle sunshine that filled me with comforting warmth after that raging storm. She did not understand how big of a deal it was for me to get up and get dressed, to willingly step foot outside of my self-destructive prison. And so when I appeared in the living room and sat down on the couch, she offered me a blissfully ignorant smile, as if I hadn’t locked myself away for several days straight. Never questioned Levi’s appearance and the fact that he stayed with me the whole time. To her, this was just her son coming to say hi and live out another typical day in the life of a typically normal teenager. There had been a time when that had actually been a truth, and it was difficult to wrap my mind around that thought.

Discussing with her my plans for housing proved to be exactly how I expected; it was easy enough to convince her, but she wasn’t overly keen on the idea of me moving out. After an extensive (and slightly exhausting) talk, she agreed that it was a fair idea. The worst part of the conversation had been how often I noticed her eyes stray away from my face and down to my clothed arms; I understood that it was a normal reaction but it made me uncomfortable and I lost my train of thought because of it more than once. I had no clue how long our talk lasted, but eventually I found myself (thankfully) heading back towards my room, where Levi was awaiting my return.

I found him sitting cross-legged on my carpet, leaning against my nightstand with his head tilted up slightly to watch the TV, which was still on the station that had been playing CM last night. From the looks of it, they were continuing that marathon. It wasn’t uncommon for that station; I’m pretty sure they play CM more often than not. He was steadily working his way through a bag of chips that I had no clue when or how he managed to obtain. He looked up at me as soon as he heard the door close behind me.

“That certainly took you long enough. How’d it go?” He asked, shoving another chip into his mouth.

“It’s time to pull out my old suitcases and get packing, so get up.” I replied, heading straight for the closet. Levi picked himself up off the floor and followed me. 

“Hey, where’s the washing machine here? I haven’t seen one around at all.” 

“Why the fuck, Levi?” I was confused as to why he was suddenly in need of our washer and dryer.

“Well, if you’re moving in with me today, which you’ve made it sound like you are, don’t you want to do laundry first?”

“No? Why would I?” I asked, dumbfounded. I could just do laundry at his house, after all.   
He looked at me for a long moment before answering my question. His expression was unreadable; not that it was uncommon to be unable to tell exactly what he’s thinking by his facial expression, because it really wasn’t.

“Do you really want this to be the first thing you see the next time you come home and walk into here?” He stated bluntly, making a slight gesture with his hand that implied for me to look around the room. I said nothing and scanned my eyes around the room, realizing exactly what he meant.

Levi may have removed the bottle of meds from the equation, but the evidence of my suicidal horror was all around me, both in and out of my line of sight. Even from where I stood on the opposite side of the room from the bed, I could see the dark patches where my blood had dried onto the sheets. I could see the stains on some of the lighter colored blankets among the heap that was gathered along the edge of my wall after having shoved them aside when I got up. My razor blades still littered the floor, as did my bloody rag. I knew that as soon as I opened the drawer to my nightstand, I would find a whole drawer filled with the rest of my self-destructive aids. The mood may have shifted, but the visuals hadn’t.

As always, Levi was right; it was quite the unwelcoming sight to behold, especially if I was going to make it a true goal to embark the road to recovery. 

“It’s in the hallway closet; the last door on the left.” My response was quiet, and I didn’t meet Levi’s gaze. I turned my attention back to fetching a suitcase from the abyss of my closet. Levi, however, walked back over to my bed and started gathering up the blankets; once all of the blankets were rolled up into a single pile, he stripped the bed of its sheets. I looked away once the sheets were revealed, not wanting to see exactly how much blood I’d allowed to cascade down onto them. He gathered what he could into his arms and started heading towards the door.

“You don’t have to wash all that, I can do it.” 

“No, it’s fine, I got it. Just start working on packing, alright?” I felt bad that Levi was left to clean up my own pathetic mess, but I didn’t argue as he shifted the bedding so that one of his hands was free to open the door; I watched as he disappeared before returning my attention to the black suitcase that I’d found. I didn’t really have anything to pack other than clothes, so it wasn’t a long process. I was shoving clothes unceremoniously into my suitcase when Levi reappeared. 

“Good lord, has nobody taught you how to pack a fucking suitcase?” Levi scoffed when he caught sight of my sloppy packing skills.

“Actually, no, asshole.” 

“Okay, but I don’t understand why everything is in disarray when it was all half-way neatly folded in your drawers. Don’t tell me you’re literally throwing your shit into that thing?”

I was literally throwing my shit into the suitcase.

I ended up repacking the whole thing.

-x-

“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

“As ready as I could ever be.” 

If I was going to use today as my own personal turnaround point, then I was going to throw all of my suddenly-gained determination into it. I had never lost my strong sense of determination; it had simply taken several very long turns along the way. Determined to hurt myself. Determined to kill myself. 

Perhaps it was finally time to be determined to stay alive.

It was going to be difficult.

Really, really difficult.

Especially considering my mind was already fighting against me, reminding me of the countless mistakes I had made in the past year and a half. Convincing me that my life should have been taken away, because that would be the best for everyone. Convincing me that my survival was a mistake.

But if Levi was so adamant against giving up on me, then I could at least try my damnedest to start sweeping up the broken pieces and putting them back together. Levi had seen my absolute worst and still hadn’t left. Levi had saved me from killing myself, and there had to be something to that.

So let me live with my foolish hope.

And so I found myself in front of Levi, standing directly to the side of my nightstand. I had just told him that I wanted to empty out the drawer and throw away all of its contents; I would toss them in the trash and never see them again. I would never again drag any of the blades tucked away into that dark drawer across my skin, nor would I let one of the numerous lighters produce a flame to melt my skin. My red-stained rags would never be charged with the task of absorbing my spilling blood into its fabric. It would all be gone, easy accessibility going away with it. 

Of course, a determined mind can always find what it desperately wishes for, and throwing away my collection of blades did not mean I would never cut again. I wasn’t foolish enough to believe it would. At the very least, throwing everything away would at least help with the whole “new beginning” idea and aid me in my second chance.

Levi had been surprised to hear me say it, and that was when he asked if I was sure. There was a glow in his eyes that told me that he was proud of me, proud that I was willing to take such a giant step. A step that he may or may not have been aware that he never did take. 

Shit. It was a dangerous memory; knowing that there would be a pack of razor blades at my disposal at Levi’s apartment would end up too tempting, most likely. I made a note to myself to speak up about it, but not now. That could wait for later, because for now I needed to focus on the monumental task at hand.

Aware of Levi’s steady gaze boring into my back, I pulled the drawer open slowly. I gingerly reached in and began gathering the array of blades into my hands, careful not to get cut in the process. 

“Can you grab me something to put them in?” I asked, because dropping a pile of razor blades into the kitchen’s trash just didn’t sound like the greatest idea. A minute later, and a small, empty cardboard box that Levi had found in some seldom-explored crevice of the room was held out in front of me, and I let the blades fall to rest in the box. I wasn’t thrilled about Levi being able to see the sheer number that I had accumulated, but if I had learned a single thing in the past few months, it was that there was no necessity to hide a single thing from Levi. He’d already been witness to my darkest moments, and he hadn’t met with a single second of hesitation. We’d bared our very souls to each other.

I pulled a blue lighter out of the drawer.

“Do you want this?” I asked, knowing Levi would use it much more properly than I would.

“N’aw, I got plenty.” Levi replied, prying my fingers off of the lighter and tossing it into the box, which he had set on my bed once I had finished with the blades. Eventually, the only item left was a bottle of vodka which was surprisingly still almost full. 

“Okay, we’re keeping this.” I said.

“Yeah, I won’t argue.”

Levi put himself in charge of running the box out to the kitchen, because he needed to grab the freshly-washed bedding, anyways. I set my suitcase as well as a couple of smaller bags that held the rest of my belongings that would be travelling to Levi’s apartment with me by the door in preparation of leaving; once the bed was made and everything, we’d head out. We’d taken the time to clean the room up, from dusting to vacuuming. You could no longer see the personified desperation that had manifested in the room over the past several days. Next time I came home, it would be to a perfectly normal room.

Mikasa wasn’t home, so I’d been texting her back and forth for the past half-hour or so. She responded to my sudden decision to move out pretty much identical to how mom had, basically. Except with a more sisterly tone as opposed to maternal. Whatever; the point is, she knew I was moving out, whether she was a particular fan of that fact or not. She wasn’t home often, anyways; besides, we could spend time together whenever we wanted. I would make sure that we spent a fair amount of time together when we could. 

Ten minutes later, and my bed was completely made. We hauled my considerably small amount of luggage out to the car, and I hugged my mom goodbye, promising that I would visit frequently. 

My mother was so oblivious to literally everything about my life that it left me damn near speechless; even after she found out about how hard of a time I’d had with coping since Armin’s death, she was still clueless. She meant well, as my mother, but it was still ridiculous. So she gave me a smile and said that she was going to miss me, and that she was proud that I was independent enough to move out at age eighteen.

Haha, right. I’m not even sure she realized that it was Levi’s apartment that I was moving into. 

Mother was truly a lost cause. Although, as long as she was happy, I was perfectly fine with her completely off-base fabrications regarding my life. One still would have thought she would have been a bite more in-tune after my hospital stay, though.

I followed Levi out the door and breathed in the freezing early-January air. I filled my lungs with the cold breeze, taking several deep breaths before proceeding. Had it ever been so pleasant to breath in the fresh air around me?

For the first time in far too long, I felt like I was a part of the world that kept moving around me. Like perhaps I could keep pace with it, as long as I had Levi by my side.  
I looked back to where Levi was climbing onto his motorcycle, which was parked right behind my car.

He offered me a smile as he pulled his helmet on.

I returned the genuine smile with one of my typical half-grins before turning back around and climbing into my car.

After one last look at the house that was filled to the brim with a mess of different emotions, I drove away.

I was going to live with the person who cared about me most.

Today was my new start.

Today, I felt like I was a member of the living.

And it was today that I truly felt human, for the first time in over a year and a half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the beginning of the next part of the story, I suppose you could say~


	16. Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren makes a decision, and it includes physical intimacy.

Due to traffic and other fun factors regarding driving, Levi somehow managed to make it to his apartment several minutes before me. Unpacking my belongings pretty much just meant distributing my wardrobe into Levi’s dresser and closet, so we were done in less than a half hour. I realized that I’d gone the entire day without having a clue what time it was; as we made our way to the living room, I glanced at the clock to find that it was around five-thirty in the evening. 

We ordered pizza for dinner around eight ‘o clock; just a large pepperoni and cheese one because we couldn’t decide on a combination of other toppings. I started with only one piece since my body was still rather unaccustomed to actually being fed, considering my failure to pay attention to my basic human needs. Speaking of things essential to humans, I realized with a fair measure of embarrassment that I hadn’t showered in more than three days. That meant that when Levi had held me so tightly to comfort me, I had been filthy. And he had just gotten out of the shower the last time he held me, even. Suddenly his determination to comfort and calm me meant even more than it had before; my cleanliness hadn’t even mattered to him at that point, and if there was one thing Levi was obsessed with, it was cleanliness. My heart swelled with gratitude and ever-increasing love for my boyfriend who wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

As soon as I finished my pizza (feeling totally full after that one piece), I excused myself to go take a shower. Too lazy to grab a pair of pajamas from what was now my own bedroom as well as Levi’s, I headed straight for the bathroom. I showered at a temperature that was actually considered normal; for once, I didn’t set it so hot that it felt like my skin was melting off. I took my time, making sure I made myself as clean as possible to make up for my lack of hygiene over the past week or so of my life. I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off before putting the clothes I had been wearing earlier back on; I slipped the soft fabric of the cream-colored sweater over my head and let it settle around me, enveloping me in pleasant warmth.

When I reentered the living room, I found that Levi had fallen asleep on the couch. He was still sitting upright, but his head had dropped down and his hair covered his face. His arms were crossed as were his legs. I wondered exactly how much sleep he had gotten at my house, and I concluded that it probably hadn’t been nearly enough. At least I knew he’d gotten some sleep, since he’d been asleep when I woke up earlier that day. I walked over to the couch and bent down so that I could gather Levi into my arms and carry him to bed; it was the least I could do after the way he’d taken care of me the past few days. 

I was weaker than I thought I had been; that, or Levi was heavier than I’d been expecting. Perhaps it was a combination of both. After several sad attempts, however, I managed to get a solid hold on him. He didn’t wake up as I did so; he was out cold. I positioned him so that he was leaning against me as I slowly made my way to our bedroom. This time when I fell asleep, it wasn’t just my boyfriend’s bed that I was sleeping in. Now it was mine as well. 

I brushed Levi’s hair away from his face so that I could have a clearer view of his peaceful sleeping expression. He looked so innocent when he slept, free of the horrors that plagued reality. His mouth was open the tiniest bit and I heard the soft whistle of his breathing as I got closer and closer to the bedroom door. With difficulty, I shifted him so that one of my hands was free to twist the doorknob that would grant me entrance into the room. With a soft grunt on my part, I finally succeeded. 

Levi had stirred while I was locked in combat with the stubborn door, and when I glanced down at him before walking into the darkened room, he was looking up at me with slight confusion apparent in his eyes.

“You can let me down now.” He said with a small yawn.

“Aw, come on now. Let me carry you.” I cooed back at him, knowing that he likely resented being babied. And it was difficult to deny that he did look rather helpless, with his small body cuddled in my arms.

“Let me down, Yeager.” His voice was somewhat of a growl as I felt along the wall for the light-switch.

“I’m terrified.” I replied, continuing on my path to the bed once light filled the room.

Eventually, I did manage to make it to the bed. I gently set my now grumpy boyfriend down onto the bed before crawling onto the bed myself. I turned on the lamp on his nightstand so that I could turn off the main light. I went over to the dresser and pulled a pair of light plaid pajama pants as well as a white long sleeved shirt and changed into them before taking my position on my side of the bed. Levi was turned away from me, so I assumed that he’d opted to just go back to sleep. I quietly walked back over to his nightstand so that I could turn off the light I’d turned on only moments ago so that the room would be bathed once again in darkness. As I reached out to twist the small knob on the lamp, I felt a hand brush over my own before softly grabbing onto my wrist, making me pause.

“Don’t. I’m not ready for bed yet.” 

I nodded and left the lamp alone. Levi watched me as I walked around the edge of the bed, finally climbing onto the bed. I lied down and put my back to Levi, despite his statement against going to bed right away. I was exhausted after having so much more of an eventful day than any in the past week, so I allowed my eyes to close and waited for sleep to find me.

Levi, however, had meant it when he said he wasn’t ready for sleep yet.

“Hey, what the fuck. I told you I don’t want to go to bed. Come on, turn around.” His hand was on my shoulder, reinforcing his will for me to turn and face him. I sighed before rolling over and facing him.

I didn’t have time to react as he pulled me into him and placed his lips against mine. My eyes fluttered shut on impulse, reveling in the feeling of Levi’s lips working against mine in a mixture of both gentle sweetness and passionate desperation. Our lips worked together as his hands slipped under the back of my shirt and his fingers lightly trailed up my back, causing me to shiver as I attempted to taste as much of Levi’s lips as I could. 

His tongue flicked lightly across my bottom lip, asking me to part my lips and allow it entrance. I complied, opening my mouth slightly and letting Levi have his fun with my mouth before moving my own tongue against his. I automatically entangled my fingers in his hair; it was as silky as it always was. I grasped it between my fingers as our tongues worked against each other in a way that was intimate enough to cause a light dusting of red to settle over my cheeks. Of all the kisses we’d shared, this was the most profound. 

I finally pulled away from the kiss, if only because I needed a chance to breath. Levi, however, didn’t wish to take a break of any sort. His lips found their way to my neck and he gently covered my neck in kisses. His hands were resting along my back. When Levi noticed that I’d gotten a fair chance to catch my breath, he returned to my mouth, starting right where we’d left off. Our lips pressed together naturally as he resumed motion with his hands, massaging my back as we kissed. I had to admit, it felt wonderful. When we pulled away for the second time, I spoke.

“Why so passionate all of a sudden?” I inquired. He was nuzzling my neck as I spoke. He moved away from my neck and looked me in the eyes.

“I guess I’m just really grateful right now.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re alive. For once, I didn’t lose what I care about most in this world. You’re alive and right in front of me and that just makes me really grateful, Eren.” 

“God, I love you.” I couldn’t help myself; that was the only appropriate response I could come up with for such a profound statement.

“I love you too. I really, really do.” He replied, pulling me even closer to him.

And that was when I had an idea.

I’d already made such monumental decisions today, so why shouldn’t I go ahead and make one more?

Besides, Levi had waited patiently all this time, not once complaining about our lack of a physical relationship. And there was no denying that there was nothing that would make me happier right then than to finally give in and let Levi have sex with me. My previous reluctance for a physical relationship had become an insignificant distant echo; after everything that had happened recently, worrying over having sex with Levi was the least of my worries. And so I opened my mouth and told Levi what I was thinking.

“Make love to me.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Are you sure? I know you were pretty adamant on waiting until you were completely ready. I don’t want you to feel like you have to for my sake.” 

“Levi, I’m sick of feeling bad all of the time. So please, make me feel good.” My statement came out as barely more than a whisper as I looked at him with pleading eyes.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, Levi, I am.”

“Alright, then.” He said, and I knew I was making the right decision.

He pushed himself up and positioned himself over me as opposed to beside me like he had been. He placed each of his hands on the soft sheets of the bed; one was to my left and one was to my right. He hovered over me as he leaned down for another kiss; this one was different, but subtly so. It was a step above the kisses from earlier; while he wasn’t overly aggressive about it, it still had a different feeling to it. 

He leaned down and pressed his own body against mine, making our clothes the only barrier between our bodies. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck as our tongues explored each other’s mouths as extensively as they possibly could. 

Somewhere along the line, he’d started rhythmically moving his hips slowly against mine, and I could feel that he was already hard underneath the fabric of his jeans. I was quick to follow suit, feeling my own member harden as Levi’s rubbing created a delicious friction that I hadn’t felt in so long.

My face heated up and I was glad that Levi likely didn’t see the deep red that had overtaken my face. This was the first sexual experience I’d had in over a year and a half, and I couldn’t be happier that it was Levi slowly dry humping me on our shared bed. His hands moved away from the sheets and instead decided to explore my body; our mouths were still locked together as he lifted up the fabric of my shirt far enough to bare my chest to him. As his fingers freely roamed my torso, I let my hips move against Levi’s. 

Nothing was fast; even my own movements were drawn out. As our legs intertwined, I found myself unable to keep from letting out a soft moan from all of the pleasurable sensations that coursed through me. Every movement Levi made was fueled by passion that he had been waiting to release. 

Levi’s lips eventually moved away from my own and I opened my eyes to see him gazing at me with such a tender, loving expression that I felt like I was going to melt underneath him. One of his hands moved away from where they had worked their way up to my chest, and he brushed his fingers softly across my cheek and then over my still parted lips.

“God, I love you.” He whispered, positioning his head so that he once again had access to my neck.

His rhythmic movements against my crotch had paused when our kiss did, but I continued thrusting my hips into him, seeking more friction. As his lips connected to my neck, his movements resumed at the same slow, steady pace they’d been before.

“I love you.” He breathed against my neck, causing my heart to skip a beat. 

Another soft kiss to my neck, and another “I love you” whispered. I would never grow tired of hearing Levi tell me that he loved me in the silky, tender voice that he used on me.

He was certainly fulfilling my wish for me to make him feel good; each kiss, each movement gave me more pleasure than I’d known in a long time. I no longer thought; all I did was feel. Feel the gentle caress of Levi’s lips whispering that he loved me against my recently-washed skin. Feel the desirable friction of Levi and I rubbing against each other.

We reached an unspoken mutual agreement that it was time for our clothing to come off. I refused to let Levi stay clothed when I knew that I was going to be naked before him. We pulled our shirts up off of each other and tossed them over the edge of the bed at the same time. In that instance, all of the sins scrawled across our arms were bared to the world. But it didn’t matter. In that time, our ugly marks of the past did not exist. It was my body and Levi’s; that was all there was. 

Our pants followed our shirts, and I clumsily unbuttoned Levi’s jeans as he effortlessly slipped my pajama pants off. I was hesitant to let Levi strip off my boxers, knowing that he’d never really seen the scars on my thighs, while he had seen my arm scars on numerous occasions. I remembered with a jolt that once his boxers were gone, his thighs would be in plain sight, as well. As it was, I could see the edges of his scars; crude white lines scattered messily across his otherwise smooth skin.

I instinctually shied away from Levi’s hand as it began to pull at the waistband of my boxers. A fleeting shadow of sorrow passed over his face; as soon as I blinked, it was gone and he had composed himself once again. Determined not to let our scars ruin our moment, he gently pushed me back down onto the bed and covered me in countless butterfly kisses; eventually, he slipped his hand back down to my boxers and pulled them off of me slowly and naturally while I was still semi-distracted by his constant soft kisses. As his lips once again found mine, I tugged his boxers off of him as well, so that we were both completely revealed to each other.

My eyes strayed towards his crotch, curious about his size; it turned out that he was bigger than me, but not by much. I don’t know what I was expecting. Hell, that probably was what I was expecting. 

My erection reminded me that I needed some form of action, and I greedily pulled Levi’s body back down onto my own, because I craved his touch. Badly. I tugged on his wrist slightly and moved it downwards, and he took the hint. Resuming his work of kissing me everywhere, he began to slowly stroke my erection, causing me to let out a small “a-ah” as he found a steady rhythm in stroking me up and down. My fingers roamed his hair as he kissed along my collarbone. 

He shifted his head and positioned it close to my ear; he whispered “I love you, Eren” into my ear.

I couldn’t decide if I liked Levi’s drawn-out, steady pace in stroking me or if I wanted more. I tentatively rolled my hips forward in an effort to rub against his hand. He interpreted it as a sign to go faster, and so he increased his tempo a bit. Between his kisses, his sultry whispers, and his hands rubbing up against my erection, it wasn’t long before I found myself arching my back and coming into Levi’s hand.

My breath came out slightly unevenly as Levi and I looked into each other’s eyes.

“I’m ready.” I said quietly, meaning that I was prepared to go all the way with Levi. 

His lips upturned into a slight smile as he leaned his head down, pressing his forehead lightly against mine.

“What would you say if I told you I have no clue if there’s any lube in the house or not?”

“Oh, my god.” I replied, trying to keep myself from laughing. I hadn’t even thought about that until now; I had been so focused on the feeling of Levi pleasuring me that I hadn’t taken into account that lube was a necessity that we probably should have thought about before.

Levi’s grin widened as he picked himself up off of me, climbing off the bed and walking to the closet.

“Better pray there’s some in here, Eren.” He called out as he opened the door and began to search inside the fair-sized closet. Why it was kept in the closet, I had no clue. But whatever. I sat up and instinctually pulled the covers up to cover the lower half of my body, waiting for Levi to finish his search.

“Hey, nice ass!” I shouted, unable to help myself. Besides, he did have a nice ass. There was no denying it. 

I hadn’t felt so light-hearted in such a long time.

As my eyes traveled upwards, I noticed that a part of his back was covered in darkness. As I continued looking, I saw that the other half was white.

When he straightened back up, I finally figured out the tattoo that he had kept a mystery for so long.

A pair of wings was spread across his entire back; one was black and the other was white.

I decided that I would wait until later to mention the tattoo; for now, there were more important affairs to attend to.

Levi turned back around and thankfully, he had a small bottle clutched in his hand.

“After that little comment, you’ll be lucky if I even use this.” He snapped, and I laughed.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Don’t test me, or you’ll find out.”

“Oh, whatever.”

He sat the bottle down on the bed before positioning himself back over me. He pulled the blankets that I had surrounded myself with away from me, once again leaving no part of me hidden from his sight.

“Do you want to suck, or do you want me to do it myself?” Levi asked teasingly, and I rolled my eyes.

I grabbed one of his hands and lifted it to my lips. I coated it with my saliva before pulling his fingers out of my mouth. He replaced his hand with his mouth as he moved his hand downwards. His finger went in slowly, giving my body time to get used to such things again. Once it was all the way in, he slid it back out just as slowly. He moved in and out a few times, earning a “mmn” from me as he did so. His first finger was followed by a second and then a third as we engaged in a wet and clumsy kiss, saliva dripping from our mouths when we pulled away from each other momentarily.

Levi lifted himself up and grabbed the bottle that he’d set aside. I watched as he squirted some of the substance onto his hand before rubbing it up and down his erection, preparing himself to enter me. I bit my lip in anticipation. 

As he leaned back over me, I lifted my head up slightly so that I could better speak to Levi.

“Go slowly. I want this moment to last.” I said quietly, resenting the redness that was almost guaranteed to be staining my cheeks. 

“I will, don’t worry.” Was his reply, and his hand found its way to my own. We intertwined our fingers together and let them rest interlocked on the soft sheets of the bed. As I felt him press up against my entrance, he leaned down and claimed me once more with his mouth. I felt him slowly push into me, and it was painful; it had been a fair amount of time since I’d had sex, and I rarely bottomed with Armin, anyways. I tightened my grip on Levi’s hand and he responded with a tender squeeze of his own hand. His other hand gripped the bed on the other side of my body so that he could keep himself steady. 

“I’m going to move.” 

“Alright.” I breathed.

Every slow, deliberate thrust sent a fresh wave of pleasure through me, and I frequently moaned out Levi’s name, reveling in the way his name rolled freely off my tongue. Levi wasn’t entirely quiet himself, letting out a low moan here and there. The sound of Levi’s moaning was music to my ears and turned me on that much more. My heart beat rapidly in my chest as I lost myself in pleasure. My free hand reached out and stroked the side of Levi’s face, and I gazed into the depths of his perfect eyes. There was so much emotion buried in those eyes that it made the moment even more beautiful than it had been. He kept his mouth open a bit as he thrust, I noticed. 

We did indeed take our time, focusing all of our attention on how amazing it felt to finally be completely physically intimate with each other. His mouth shifted frequently between my mouth and the rest of my face; he kissed my cheeks and my forehead several times.

As we both began to approach our limit, Levi untangled his fingers from mine. I was irritated by it for a second before I realized that he was moving towards my length, which had gone soft. 

I hardened underneath Levi’s touch, and this time, my moan wasn’t all that quiet.

“A-ah, Levi…” 

Now that both of my hands were free, I wrapped them tightly around Levi’s bare back. The skin of his back was slick with sweat, but that didn’t stop me from clinging onto him. He bent his head down and kissed me gently, not even involving his tongue this time. He simply pressed his lips against mine as he continued his slow thrusting and pumping. 

My back arched and my nails dug into Levi’s back as I climaxed, passionately shouting out Levi’s name. His thrusts did not stop; he hadn’t finished yet. It was only several thrusts later, however, that he came as well. He caught his breath for a moment before pulling out and lying beside me. Neither of us could breathe completely normally yet.

He pulled me into his arms and I welcomed the contact.

“Thank you.” I said as I wrapped my arms back around him.

“Don’t thank me; I’ve been wanting to do that forever.” 

“Well, in any case, it was amazing.” I was telling the truth; it had been every bit as memorable as I could have hoped. He’d definitely succeeded in making me feel good. It hadn’t been fast, hadn’t been desperate despite the fact that Levi was finally getting what he wanted after holding back for quite some time. It had been sweet and gentle, a complete antithesis to the rest of our lives. 

“I love you, Eren.”

“I love you too.”

We slept cuddled up against each other, legs tightly intertwined and bodies pressed up against each other, sharing our body heat. The rest of the world didn’t exist; there was only our bed and our two bodies that were close enough to each other to be considered a single entity. I was the first to fall asleep; Levi was stroking my messy hair as I slipped into the depths of sleep that for once held no nightmares.

Whatever tomorrow brought, I could face it. 

Because I had Levi. We’d completely given ourselves to each other, sharing a single heartbeat as we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really needed this in my life ;u; I think we all desperately needed a sweet, "make love as opposed to fucking" type first time for them amiright


	17. Reality Once More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is put back into reality, but this time, he lives with Levi.

On Sunday morning, I was the first one awake. I got the feeling that Levi was still catching up on his sleep, and so I did my best to stay quiet and not wake him up as I slowly disentangled myself from him. I succeeded; his eyes remained peacefully closed as I climbed off of the bed. I glanced over to the digital clock on his nightstand and discovered that it was only a little after seven ‘o clock. 

I let myself steal one more glance at Levi before finding a set of clothes for the day. He was lying on his side, and he had the blankets pulled all the way up to his chin. His hair was splayed onto the pillow and over his face, and his mouth was open slightly. I took a moment to watch the blanket rise and fall a tiny bit each time he took a breath. I couldn’t see his eyebrow piercing (or ear piercings, for that matter) with the way his hair fell around his face. I would never tire of seeing Levi so vulnerable, so open; free of the stress and worry that I know courses through him constantly in his state of wakefulness. 

Once my eyes were finally willing to leave my sleeping boyfriend, I grabbed a black hoodie and a pair of jeans from our dresser and got changed. I knew as soon as I woke up that morning what I was going to do; a visit to Armin was long overdue. The cold January air would probably chill me right down to the bone, but that was unimportant. It had been too long since I’d visited that grave, and nothing was going to keep me from it today. Once I was dressed, I decided not to wake Levi to tell him that I was leaving for a bit; instead, I opted to write him a note and leave it on the kitchen table for him to find when he woke up and wandered around in pursuit of food.

_Levi,_

_I’m going to spend the day visiting Armin at the cemetery, so don’t wait around for me because I have no clue how long I’ll be there._

There was no necessity for a long or detailed note; it was more than enough to just say that I was visiting Armin. I didn’t sign the note either, because that’s a waste of time, considering it’s only Levi and I in the apartment. I pulled my jacket on as I stepped outside the door of our apartment. I had to sit and think for a moment about how to get to the graveyard, since I had never gone there from Levi’s before. When I figured out the best way to go, I started the car and pulled away from the apartment, leaving Levi alone in the warm bed that we shared together.

As was tradition, I stopped at the flower shop on my way to the graveyard. The old woman gave me a warm smile as she welcomed me into the store, recognition lighting up her elderly eyes. She greeted me and asked if she could help me find anything, I told her no, that I would just scan around and pick whatever appealed to me as I usually did. There was nobody else in the shop, and I assumed it was mainly due to the early hour.

I grabbed a colorful bouquet of flowers just like I always did and made small-talk with the old woman. She sent me off with well-wishes, and I got back in my car and drove to my former boyfriend’s final resting place. 

-x-

A little after eight-thirty, I made it to the grey stone that marked Armin’s grave. It was covered in a thick layer of snow and I brushed it off despite not wearing any gloves; I didn’t care how cold it made my hands. When the snow was gone, I was left with the sight of Armin’s name and life span engraved neatly into the stone. My heart felt heavy as I imagined Armin smiling warmly, knowing that I was visiting him. That I hadn’t forgotten him along the way. Of course I wouldn’t forget you, idiot. I’ll never forget you.

I knelt down in front of the grave, ignoring the snow soaking through the fabric of my jeans. It was freezing and I zipped my jacket up as far as it would go in an effort to combat the cold. It didn’t help much, but it was something, at least. 

“Hey, Armin.” I greeted him as I knelt down on the cold, wet ground. I paused, as if there would actually be a tangible response. Snow began to fall lazily from the sky as I started my conversation with Armin. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you much recently. I feel pretty guilty about it, but I know you wouldn’t be angry with me for it. Anyways, I promise to visit you a lot more from now on, okay? I promise. 

A lot has happened lately, Armin. The past few weeks as a messy blur in my mind.” I decided to tell him about everything that’s happened since the last time I visited his grave, and it was quite the extensive story. I told him about winter break, I told him about how horrid my dad had become, I told him about dad beating me up so bad that I ended up in the hospital. My voice wavered slightly when I made it to the point where I almost tried to kill myself, and about how I absolutely would have had Levi not shown up.

“I couldn’t take it anymore, Armin. I wanted to die more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I would have taken those pills. I had every single intention to take them. But then Levi was there to save me. Again. He’s saved me so many times and in the end, I’ve only known him for several months. But he dropped everything just to keep me from killing myself.

Did you send him to me, Armin? Because that seems like the only thing that would make it remotely possible to have someone like Levi in my life. To have been given somebody who cares about me so much that they’d drop everything and make someone as pathetic as me their top priority. You sent him to protect me, didn’t you? It’s okay. You don’t have to answer. I don’t need to know the answer. I’m just grateful that dad’s gone and that maybe, just maybe, I can have a fighting chance at living again. I’m sure that would make you smile, right? 

I hope so. I’ll fight, Armin. I’ll fight for you and I’ll fight for Levi. Because you guys actually care. And I love you both more than you could ever know. You knew I’d live long enough to finally fight back, didn’t you. You’re probably sitting up in heaven having a great time, aren’t you. I bet you are.

I miss you, though. I miss you so much. They say it becomes easier with time, dealing with missing your loved one. That’s bullshit. And I still blame myself for your death, and I’m sure I always will, despite what everyone else, including Levi, says. So I’m sorry, Armin. I’m sorry that you’re not here with me right now. I’m sorry you didn’t get to grow up and become an adult and live your life to the fullest. I’m so, so sorry. I know it’s my fault, I know it is. I’m trying, though. Trying to become a person you’d be proud to say was your boyfriend back when you resided here in this shitty world.”

Two tears ran slowly down both of my cheeks. A sense of calm washed over me as I continued addressing the gravestone in front of me, promising Armin that I would become a better person than the one I’d become in the past year and a half. I couldn’t feel my fingers or my toes and my ears burned by the time I was ready to leave Armin’s grave. Eventually I stood up and brushed away the snow that had gathered onto me; it had been snowing steadily the whole time I’d been there. I once again promised Armin that I would visit him more often and reluctantly turned away from his grave so that I could head back to the warmth of my car.

-x-

Since it was still early in the day, I decided to stop by 7-Eleven and find out the schedule for the week and make sure that Erwin knew I was ready to come back to work. I would have just called, but since I was already out, I figured I may as well just drop by. Annie was working behind the counter when I arrived.

“Hey, long time no see. How are you doing?” She asked; there were several customers scattered throughout the store but nobody was at the register at the moment. I had a feeling Mikasa had told her a fair amount of the week’s events, at least the ones that had involved dad.

“Hi, Annie. I’m doing fine. Having fun back there?”

“Oh yeah, it’s a thrill every single day. I don’t think I can handle the excitement this job provides me with.”

“Thought so. Is Erwin around?”

“Yeah, he’s in his office. You can go back and talk to him, if you want. I’m sure he won’t care.”

“Alright.” I said and stepped behind the counter so that I could make it over to the short hallway that Erwin’s office resided in. The door was closed, so I knocked and waited for a response before walking into the room. 

“Come in.” Erwin’s voice resonated from inside the room, and I entered his office.

“Oh, hello, Eren. Been a bit since I’ve seen you last. How are you?”

“Hi, Erwin. I’m good, thanks.”

“Of course. What were you coming to see me for?”

“I was just in town so I figured I’d stop by instead of calling. I was wondering if you have the schedule for this week done; I’m ready to come back to work.”

“Ah, I’m glad to hear it. I’ve already made up the schedule under the assumption you’d be back. I have you on Tuesday night. You can go ahead and take one of the schedules outside my office, there’s plenty.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Glad to have you back.”

“Glad to be back.” I responded. “Well, I’ll be off now. That’s all I needed to talk to you about.”

“Alright, have a good day, Eren.”

“Thanks, you too.”

With that, I shuffled out of his office and grabbed a schedule sheet from their position on the wall. I didn’t mind not having to work right away on Monday, because school would probably be shitty enough as it was. 

When I left 7-Eleven, I decided I still wasn’t ready to go home. Not that I didn’t want to, because I always wanted to be near Levi. 

I took out my phone and texted Mikasa, asking if she was busy that afternoon. She was quick to reply, and she reported that she didn’t have anything to do. It’d been awhile since we’d sat down and had a normal conversation, so I invited her out. We decided on going to one of the coffee shops in town, and we got there at the same time.

“Hey.” She said as I approached her.

“Hey, Mikasa.” I replied, walking into the warm little shop side by side with her. We both got lattes and took a seat by the window once they were in our possession. The conversation started out awkward, simply because I hadn’t talked to her willingly in over a week. We quickly got past it, though, as only siblings could manage. 

“So, what’s it like being out of the house?” She asked me after taking a sip of her latte. 

“I’ve been out of the house for a day.”

“So?”

“It’s good, I guess. I’m mainly just happy that dad’s out of the picture.”

“Thank god for that. I’m still really sorry that I never did more about it. I-” I cut Mikasa off.

“Look, don’t be sorry. It’s done. It’s over.”

“New topic?”

“That’d be great.”

Mikasa thought of what to say for a moment, and then spoke again.

“You never did say much the other day except that you were moving. Is it safe to assume that you moved in with Levi?”

“Ha, yeah, I did. I didn’t think I needed to say it.”

“You didn’t, I knew as soon as you said you were moving out. Actually, I’m thinking about moving out soon, myself. The school year will be done in a few months, anyways, and then it’s college. I think it’d be best for mom to have some time to live by herself, anyways. We can still be close to her, because lord knows that she needs it, but it’ll be good for her, I think.”

“I agree.” It was difficult to explain, but it made sense. I’d be willing to bet any amount of money that mom would be happier living by herself, looking forward to visits and phone calls from her children. 

“Where are you going to move to, though?”

“Well, I’m probably going to just go to college here, I’ve decided. So I’ll probably just room with Annie.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Annie, huh?”

“Yeah, of course. Who else would I move in with?” 

“Dunno.” I took a sip of my latte. The warmth of the little shop and of the coffee was a nice contrast to the bitter freezing outside. I had the feeling Annie was more than just a friend to Mikasa, but I didn’t feel like prying. There’d be plenty of time for that in the future. 

“Are you going back to school tomorrow?” Mikasa asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Sweet. I’ll see you for lunch, then.”

“Yeah. At least lunch will be decent.”

“I’m sure the rest of your day will be fine, too.”

“Yeah, yeah. School really does suck, though.”

“Can’t say I disagree.”

“Yeah.”

We moved through a random assortment of topics after that, ranging from school affairs to the people we worked with.

“Have you ever seen Ymir apart from Christa or vice versa? Because I haven’t.” Mikasa commented.

“Not once. How much do you wanna bet Ymir arranged that with Erwin? He’s so easygoing with the schedules and letting us determine who we work with. He doesn’t even bother putting me on shifts without Annie hardly every anymore.”

“I’m sure she did, and I’m sure Christa had no problems with that. But you’re right; I pretty much always work with Levi, too. But I also specifically requested primarily nighttime hours when I first started.”

“Yeah. Do you like working at night?”

“Sure. It’s pretty decent, although the customers get weirder as the night goes on. Three in the morning on is particularly unsettling.”

“Hey, at least you have Levi around. He could probably scare them out of the store just by looking at him.”

“Harsh.” I responded. It was nice being able to keep casual conversation going with Mikasa; I missed having a decent relationship with my sister. 

“Come on, you know it’s true. He looks like he’s ready to kill somebody at all times. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without that expression on his face.”

“You’ve seen him like three times, though.” Although she wasn’t wrong. He never did lose the deeply irritated expression; unless, of course, we were alone. Even then it was how he looked more often than not. 

“Three times is more than enough to notice that he comes with literally one facial expression.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“You just want to defend your boyfriend. You know it’s true.”

“Okay, well, yeah. It is. But still. Annie’s face is the same way, though.”

"Tch. Fair enough.” I knew Mikasa wouldn’t be able to come up with a retort to that; she had set herself up for failure the moment she brought up stern facial expressions.

“Thought so.” 

“Why do we choose to associate with such serious people?” Mikasa asked.

“Because. I have no clue, actually.” Of course, we both knew perfectly well why we chose to associate with our counterparts. Because they gave us the time of day and actually listened when we talked. We felt no need to turn the conversation serious, though.

“We should all hang out sometime.” 

“Sure, why not?” I had no clue if Levi would be thrilled at the suggestion or not, but oh well. He’d manage, I’m sure. 

We spent a fair majority of the remainder of the conversation talking about Annie and Levi. Eventually, we decided that it was time to go home. We parted ways, reminding each other that we could sit together at lunch the next day.

I was in a great mood as I said my goodbyes to Mikasa; I’d gotten peace of mind from visiting Armin and got to spend time with Mikasa that didn’t involve me crying. And now going home meant heading off to Levi’s apartment, not the house that possessed my most awful, desperate moments within its walls. Eager to get home and spend the rest of my night with Levi, I got into my car and drove home.

-x-

“Levi, I’m back!” I shouted as I walked through the door into our warm, comfortable apartment. I didn’t see him anywhere, so I just shrugged off my jacket and turned to the fridge, opening it in pursuit of something to drink. I was considering my options for beverage when I felt a pair of arms slide around my waist. 

“Welcome home, sweetie.” Levi whispered into my ear, which meant he had to be standing on his toes. I could tell immediately that he’d spent his day drinking, considering the way his words ran together slightly and the use of such a pet name, which he would avoid at all costs otherwise. I didn’t mind, though. Quite the opposite. It was adorable to hear such cute words coming from Levi’s mouth. 

“I thought you said you were going to get shit done today?” I asked, turning around so that I could face Levi. A light shade of pink had faintly settled over both of his cheeks. Last night, he’d said that he would use Sunday to get a start on the work he was behind on for school. I tried to keep myself from being overwhelmed with guilt over being the cause for his increased workload.

“I have been getting shit done. I’ve just made decided to make a decent time of it.” He kept his arms around my waist, refusing to let go, so I let my arms fall to rest lazily around his shoulders. 

I looked over Levi’s head and into the living room to find that his laptop was indeed open; he had been working on what seemed to be an essay of some sort. The coffee table was littered with an assortment of beer bottle shoved off to the side; from the looks of it, he’d switched over to mixed drinks sometime in the afternoon, because a half-full glass of dark liquid was sitting on the table closest to his reach from where he typically sat on the couch. A glance to the counter told me that it was rum and coke that resided in the glass.

“Oh, by the way, how was your day?” Levi asked. 

“It was decent enough. We’re both working on Tuesday, so you don’t have to call Erwin. I stopped by there and then hung out with Mikasa for a few hours.”

“Alright, sounds good. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, it was good. I’m pretty sure she’s actually dating Annie, though. I should ask Annie. That’s totally fine with me if she is, though.”

“Honey, I could have told you that a long time ago. You mean to tell me you didn’t realize that until now?” 

“Well, no.” I replied. “Anyways. That’s beside the point. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work?”

“Fuck no. You just got home.”

“So?”

“So, I’m not going to work on some bullshit research paper when you’re right here in front of me. Here, I’ll make you a drink.” Levi finally pulled his arms away from my waste and strode over to one of the cabinets so that he could grab me a glass. He made me a rum and coke just like he was drinking and handed it to me. 

“Good?” He asked. I took a sip and realized that he made drinks a bit stronger than I did. No wonder he was already drunk even though it was only five or six ‘o clock. He tugged on my arm and led me over to the couch. We cuddled together on the couch with our drinks held securely in our hands. I was facing forward to stare at the TV, but Levi’s feather-light touch on the edge of my jaw caused my head to turn and face him instinctually. Once my head was facing him, he ran his finger along my cheek.

“I’m happy you’re home, ‘cuz I missed you.” 

“I was gone for, like, half a day. You’re used to not seeing me for way longer than that, you know.”

“So?”

“So…you don’t have to miss me so much?”

“Aw, come on, darling. Aren’t I allowed to miss my boyfriend when he’s not here?”

“You’re being too cute. It’s mildly disturbing, to be honest.” I wasn’t lying.

“Hey, fuck you too.” 

I grinned and leaned forward far enough to comfortably kiss him. 

We spent the rest of our Sunday evening drinking together, although I did try and convince Levi to slow down near the end of the night; if he kept it up, he was going to attend class with a shitty hangover. I’d known that he enjoyed drinking, but he went harder than I expected. He disregarded my warnings and kept at the same quick pace all evening. It was entertaining, though. I managed to get him to sing for me again, a couple of random songs that came on the radio when we turned it on, too busy paying attention to each other to pay attention to the TV. His words slurred a bit, but it was still lovely hearing his singing voice, which he would probably always refuse to bring out while sober. 

I myself made sure I didn’t drink too much, because tomorrow would be Monday and that would suck enough as it was, I didn’t need a hangover to help make it shittier. So at the end of the night, I was still able to stand, at least. Well, I mean, Levi could too, but it required a fair amount of support on my part. Before we went to bed, I had to practically carry him over to the bathroom so that he could throw up, which he did as soon as I lifted up the toilet seat for him. It was odd to see him hopelessly doubled over the toilet, retching out the contents of his stomach that stemmed from not enough self-control. Normally I was the one who couldn’t do anything on my own; it was never really the other way around. 

I wondered how often Levi had crawled to the bathroom alone at night with nobody to hold him up to make it easier for him and with nobody to drag him to the bedroom and tuck him into bed with a bucket positioned within arm’s reach. He kept to himself for the most part before I was around, so the answer was probably quite a few. It never really hit me before that he’d probably been just as lonely as I’d been, for the most part. Now that I lived with Levi, I realized that I would see a lot more moments like this; his daily life, not just the time we spent together when we could, like before. The things he hadn’t shown me before. There would be good ones, there would be bad ones. It just made it that much more real; he was a guardian angel to me, but in the end, he was still just as human as I was.

When he stopped heaving and lifted his head from the toilet, I asked, “Are you okay now?”

He didn’t answer; he stared off into space for a few moments, trying to figure out if he was okay or not. After a short while, his body answered for him. I kept a firm hold on him as he clung to the toilet, vomiting once more. When he was done, I grabbed a cloth from the towel cabinet and wet it down before kneeling down so that I could clean up Levi’s face; some of his vomit had gotten on his chin. 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized as I wiped away the vomit.

“Don’t be.” 

“You shouldn’t have to see me too wasted to stand.” Even when wasted, he could still be entirely too serious. Seriously, he was twenty-two years old; it would be stranger if he didn’t drink enough to get that wasted every now and then.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” I said, helping him up. The trip to the bedroom was slow, but we made it there eventually. I changed into a set of pajamas, but I put Levi to bed without trying to get him to change his clothes. It would have been more effort than it was worth. I arranged the blankets over him before crawling into bed beside him. I rolled around and faced my drunken boyfriend.

“You’re going to have a killer hangover when you wake up tomorrow.”

“Shut the fuck up.” He mumbled, closing his eyes. 

“Goodnight, Levi.” 

He was already asleep. 

-x-

Reality did not treat me quite as kindly as Levi did, and my first Monday back in the real world sucked.

While my teachers had started to like me a little bit more after I started putting some sort of effort into schoolwork, they assumed that my week-long absence was hardly justified. And they were right, in a way; the pain from dad’s attack had subsided enough for me to handle school just fine, had emotional turmoil not been a significant part of the picture. In any case, they were thoroughly unimpressed by my week’s absence and lacked sympathy. They gave me stern looks of disapproval as they informed me of all the work that I missed, giving me deadlines that were barely doable by normal standards. If I wasn’t extremely careful, my grades would quickly slip back down to the D’s and F’s they had been just a short time ago.

Half of the kids in my classes spent a majority of each class period gawking at me, as if they knew everything that had gone down in the past week. I knew that it was irrational to believe that they did, because there was simply no way they could have that knowledge. Even so, every single class was spent in extreme discomfort as the minutes ticked slowly by. I kept ahold of the edge of my sleeves at all times, fearful that they would slip up my arms far enough to let the people around me get a glimpse of my cuts and scars. I’d always felt out of place among my peers, but now I felt like I lived in a world completely different from theirs. And in a sense, I did. 

Lunch was the only tolerable hour of the day, and that was because I had Mikasa to keep me company. Since I had spent a few hours with her yesterday, our chat was based upon trivial matters that held no major significance. While every other class went unbearably slow, lunch passed by too quickly for my liking. When the bell rang and signified the end of lunch, I reluctantly parted ways with Mikasa and faced the remainder of the school day. 

I left school with a heavy backpack and a foul mood, tossing my bag carelessly into the car and slamming the door shut. Between the stares of the other students and the workload that was more than I’d ever be able to handle, I couldn’t find it in me to pretend to be in a good mood. It was odd driving to the apartment instead of my own (former) house, but it was a welcome change of pace. 

Levi’s last class didn’t end until six ‘o clock, so I had a few hours to myself before he got home. I considered ignoring my backpack entirely but knew that it would be wasted effort to try and get out of doing my work; besides, it would have been an insult to everything Levi and Hanji had done for me in the academic department if I let myself fail once more. And so I opened my backpack and hesitantly pulled out some of the work, having no clue where to start. It was overwhelming; there were too many different things for me to work on and too much missed content, considering that I wasn’t even quite caught up with schoolwork before my week of absence. I tried to keep myself calm and just start with what I could; freaking out wouldn’t get my work done faster.

I ordered pizza around five ‘o clock, even though we’d had pizza on Saturday. It arrived twenty minutes later, and I took it as an opportunity to tap into the liquor. I mixed myself a rum and coke since it was still sitting out on the counter and settled back down on the couch with the box of pizza and my drink. I tried to continue with my work, but I kept getting distracted by how tiny of a dent I’d put into the work; I couldn’t make sense of hardly anything and nothing was getting properly done. Right before six ‘o clock, I tossed my notebook across the room; it landed splayed across the floor on the opposite end of the room. I shut my math book and threw that as well out of sheer frustration. It landed a few feet in front of the notebook. I threw my pen down onto the floor and put my head in my hands. 

I was still sitting miserably with my head in my hands when Levi strode through the door, tossing his keys carelessly onto the counter and digging a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. I lifted my head from my hands as I heard him approach the living room; he seemed frazzled, to be quite honest. Going to class with a hangover probably didn’t help anything. His lit cigarette hung from his mouth and he already had a drink in his hand. He eyed up the pizza box sitting in front of me on the coffee table.

“Started the party without me, eh?” He said, sitting down beside me. 

“Oh, yeah. Having a fucking blast over here.” I replied with heavy sarcasm, he frowned at my tone and discovered the notebook and textbook sprawled on the floor. 

“Rough day?” He asked, putting one of his arms around me as he leaned back into the couch.

I leaned into him and let my head rest on his shoulder.

“I don’t think it’s possible to get all of the work done that my teachers gave me. But whatever. You don’t seem like you had a great day, yourself.”

“Eh, I’ve had worse. Do you want me to help you with your work?” He took a drag from his cigarette and the smoke swirled in clouds around us. 

“You don’t have to. You have a ton of shit to do, right?” 

“Yeah, but I’ll manage.”

“I don’t want you lagging behind because of me.” 

“I won’t, seriously, Eren. I always help you with your schoolwork anyways, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So what’s the issue?”

I couldn’t think of a reason to deny his help, because he was right. But he seemed stressed as it was, and I just wanted him to be able to get his own workload off his shoulders. 

“Work on your shit.” 

“I will. Later. What were you working on before I got home?”

“Math.”

“Alright. Grab your book off the floor, then.” I sighed. While I was fetching the book, Levi’s phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket and stared at the caller ID; he made no effort to answer the phone. I could tell from the coldness that entered his expression that it was his parents trying to get ahold of him. He let it ring until it stopped; a moment later it made a noise that meant the caller had left a voicemail. Instead of listening to it, he set his phone on the coffee table.

“Your parents?” 

“Tch. Yeah. I told them to leave me the fuck alone, but I’m not surprised they didn’t listen.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. What are you doing right now in math?”

“Functions or some shit. I’m not even sure.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Levi grabbed a piece of pizza from the cardboard box; he ate it as I tried to find my homework pages in the book. While waiting for him to finish his pizza, I took several long drinks from my glass. It was emptied while Levi went in for a second piece, so I made myself another. It was pleasant having unlimited access to booze; yet another positive aspect of living with Levi. We sat close to each other and he began helping me make sense of the problems assigned by my teacher. We’d only been working for a few minutes, however, when the shrill ring of Levi’s phone interrupted our concentration. 

Levi ignored it again; this time less than a minute passed before it rang once more. He grabbed the phone with obvious frustration.

“Fuck it, I’ll just turn it on silent.” 

“Maybe you should answer the phone? I doubt they’ll stop calling.”

“They can call all they want. Doesn’t mean I’m about to answer.” He grabbed another cigarette from the pack he kept in his pocket. His phone was in his lap and it soon lit up again. Whatever they wanted to talk to Levi about, they were desperate to be heard. It was pathetic, really. I’m sure Levi would agree. 

“Maybe you need to reiterate that you don’t want anything to do with them?”

“That’ll do nothing.”

“It’s better than just ignoring them.”

“It’s not, though.”

“Okay, you’re probably right.”

Another call. And then another. Levi’s agitation increased each time his phone lit up to tell him that he had yet another call from his parents.

Unable to bring himself to ignore it forever, he gave in and answered on what was probably the sixth or seventh call. 

“I told you to leave me the fuck alone.” He hissed into the phone. I couldn’t hear what was said on the other end of the line.

“I’m fucking serious. Don’t ever call me again. I’ll go get my fucking number changed if I have to. Seriously, stay the fuck out of my life. Fuck you, mother.” 

He hung up.

“Let’s get back to work.” Levi said; he was tense. I put my arms around him and leaned into him. 

“I’m worried about you, Levi.”

“Don’t be.”

“You’re really stressed, though. I can tell.”

“Trust me, it’s nothing. Come on, back to function problems.”

“…Alright.” I said, returning my attention to the math in front of me. 

We made double the progress in one hour of what I had made in the two and a half hours I’d been working before Levi got home. After an hour or so, we took a short break, mainly because Levi was complaining that his head hurt. I wasn’t surprised, after last night. He grabbed a few ibuprofen and another piece of pizza, and I took the break time to call my mom. I promised her I’d stop by on Thursday, because I didn’t have to work then. That made her happy, and I was looking forward to it, I suppose. I wasn’t thrilled about going back to the house, though. It would remind me too heavily of the sins of both my dad and myself.

He helped me with my homework for another couple of hours before I decided we’d done enough. I couldn’t keep my focus on math and science any longer if I tried. 

“Can we be done now?” 

“Sure. You’re doing really good, actually. I’m surprised you held out as long as you did.”

“Well, if I don’t try, it’ll never get done.”

“True.”

“So, what now?”

“I’m going to get started on my own work, if you don’t mind.” I forgot that Levi himself had a heavy workload to tackle.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot.”

“Oi, no apology needed.”

He kissed me lightly on the cheek before getting up and grabbing his laptop from his black bag, which he’d set on the kitchen table. I turned on the TV and flipped through the stations as he got to work. The rest of the evening was spent in silence; when Levi focuses on the task at hand, he fucking focuses. A bomb could have gone off and he probably wouldn’t have even looked up from his screen. 

I went to bed around one ‘o clock, and Levi was still working.

“Hey, I’m going to bed.” He looked up for the first time in hours and blinked several times before answering me. He glanced back to his screen to look at the time. 

“Shit, I didn’t even realize it was this late already. Goodnight.”

“You’re not coming to bed yet, are you?” I asked as I got up. I leaned over him so that I could give him a kiss before shuffling off to the bedroom.

“Not a chance.” 

“Don’t stay up too late, alright?”

“Yeah, I won’t. Don’t worry about it. My first class isn’t until ten tomorrow, anyways.”

“Alright. Seriously though, get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Eren.”

“Goodnight.” I made my way into the bedroom. It was weird to climb into the bed without Levi; his body always inhabited it when mine did, and it was a foreign feeling to have the comfortable bed all to myself. I would have preferred Levi be there, but I supposed it was impractical to think that we’d be able to cuddle every night of our lives. It took me an hour or so to fall asleep, but a little after two in the morning, I drifted into the comfortable realm of dreamless sleep.

My alarm went off at seven the next morning. I was still the only one in the bed, and I assumed that Levi had fallen asleep on the couch. I got dressed and made my way out to the living room. 

Levi looked up from his computer when I entered the room, rubbing my eyes to will away the sleep that was so reluctant to leave me. 

“Don’t tell me you never went to sleep.” 

“That’s up to your interpretation.”

“Levi, seriously. It’s seven fucking a.m.”

“Eh, I’ve done worse.”

“Go sleep. You can still get a whole two hours.” 

“Fine, fine.” Levi shut his laptop. He looked like he was about to pass out on the couch; he closed his eyes and was on the brink of falling over when I spoke again.

"Come on, go to bed.” His eyes snapped open. 

“Yeah, I’m going.” He yawned and stretched as he got up from the couch.

“Have a decent day; I’ll see you when I get home.” 

“Sure. Sleep well.”

“I’m sure I will.”

I watched Levi disappear into the bedroom and finished getting myself ready for school. College students, I swear. I guess the whole “pull an all-nighter” thing is true. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest. Maybe I’ll be a prostitute instead. Okay, so probably not. But hey, at least I wouldn’t have to bust my ass doing college work. 

Considering the pros and cons of choosing prostitution as a career path, I set off for another irritating day at school.

-x-

Tuesday night was my first night back at work. Even though a week isn’t all that long, it felt like an eternity had passed since I walked into 7-Eleven adorned with the name tag that announced me to be Eren. Our shift started and ended at the same time; we had to work from eight p.m. to two a.m. We took the motorcycle even though it was really fucking cold riding on it in the middle of January. Levi wore his leather jacket just like he always did and I wore my slay titans sweatshirt. 

Erwin was still around when we got there; he left around ten. He stopped and chatted with us for about a half hour before actually leaving. He asked me how I was doing and if I was feeling better and I replied that I was, yes. 

Once he was gone, it was only me, Levi, and a couple of customers roaming the aisles of the tiny convenience store. We were relatively busy up until about eleven-thirty, when business pretty much just died. The nightshift on weekdays was never particularly busy, so it wasn’t all that surprising to find myself leaning up against the back of the counter with nothing to do. Levi was standing beside me, arms crossed and staring off into space. He broke the silence that had formed over the past fifteen minutes.

“Well, we may as well get to restocking or something. No use in standing here twiddling our thumbs for the rest of the night.” 

“Yeah, I agree.” I said; we straightened ourselves up and headed over to the back room. Levi flipped the light switch, illuminating the piles and shelves of boxes piled everywhere throughout the room. I walked over to the boxes that contained an endless amount of chips and pretzels and all that bullshit and was reading the labels on the closed boxes to figure out what was what when Levi approached me from behind. 

“Hey, Eren, turn around.” He said, and I obliged. 

As soon as my body was turned to face him, his arms were around my waist and he was leaning up to kiss me. As our lips connected, he guided my body down on top of a pile of cardboard boxes, so that I was seated on it. He slipped his tongue into my mouth at the same time that he slipped his hands underneath my shirt. His hands roamed my bare skin as our tongues worked against each other. I shivered underneath his touch and leaned into the kiss, desperately moving my tongue against Levi’s mouth. 

He was the one to break off the kiss, grinning as our saliva escaped the confines of our mouths and formed a small trail between them. His lips upturned into a grin as he took in the sight of my face that was undoubtedly flushed red. 

“You get flustered so easily, Eren.” He murmured, and my face felt even hotter than it had before. His hands continued moving all over my body underneath my sweatshirt and he leaned back in for another heated kiss. One of his hands moved back towards the front of my body and left my bare skin. I barely noticed it; my concentration was on our kiss. However, I did notice when his hand found its way back to me, this time over my crotch. His hand greedily kneaded at my jeans, and I instinctually shifted forward to get closer to his hand. 

“Hey, Eren, you’re already hard.” Levi whispered, which was completely unnecessary; I was plenty aware of my own arousal at his hand massaging at my crotch through my jeans. 

Suddenly, both of his hands were away from my body. I frowned, unhappy at the sudden loss of contact. He grabbed at the waistband of my jeans and unbuttoned them; he pulled down my boxers far enough to give him access to my erection. He took hold of it and moved his mouth forward, ready to lift my erection to his lips. During the past couples of minutes I managed to forget that we were currently at work, but I remembered and so I spoke up.

“Okay, wait, Levi, we’re at work. There’s fucking security cameras and customers.”

“I already thought of the security cameras, christ. Don’t worry about it. Erwin’s the only one who sees the cameras ever, anyways.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better. But like I said, customers.”

“We’re dead right now, though.”

“People can still come in.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you what. You can keep a watch on the monitor over there and then stop me if people come into the store. You do that, and I’ll stop.” He looked up at me with mock-innocence and I rolled my eyes.

“Didn’t take you real long to get greedy.”

“Nope.” He said. At least he was honest.

I let out a resigned sigh as he repositioned himself between my legs so that he could suck me off. He dragged his tongue slowly up my shaft and then skillfully swirled his tongue around the head. I stubbornly kept my eyes latched onto the monitor that showed activity in the front of the store; it was still empty. He took his time in licking my shaft and I bit my lip, hesitant to make noise when he hadn’t even started to suck yet. I honestly hadn’t expected to get sucked off in the middle of work. I couldn’t say I minded, though.

I dug my hands into the cardboard of the boxes I was seated on as my breathing started to speed up, becoming uneven while Levi continued moving his tongue against my shaft. No customers had entered the store. He was apparently satisfied with the work he’d done with his tongue, and he placed his lips around the head and kissed it, because I’m pretty sure Levi’s unable to be near any part of my body without kissing it. He wrapped his lips around me and began to suck; slowly, mind you. He moved his head back and forth as he sucked; each time he moved forward he took more of me into his mouth.

“Nngh.” I moaned quietly, tightening my grip on the cardboard. As he sucked, I closed my eyes, forgetting to check the monitor. He paused his sucking to lick away the beads of pre-cum that had surfaced. After he did so, he continued sucking at the same pace as before. When Levi’s sucking didn’t speed up, I asked for him to myself.

“Go faster. Please.” I said; asking him to go faster made my face heat up even more than it already had been, if that was even possible. 

Levi granted my request, sucking more fervently as his head bobbed back and forth. I pulled one of my hands away from the box and put it in Levi’s hair, weaving my fingers through the mess of fine black strands. His rhythmic sucking sent waves of pleasure coursing through me and I instinctually flung my head back so that my gaze was set facing the ceiling. After I did so, I remembered that I’d been neglecting the monitor. I reluctantly glanced at it and realized that four customers had managed to make their way into the store while Levi was sucking. I opened my mouth and produced a pathetic attempt at informing Levi of the customers.

“L-Levi, there’s…ah.” His tempo increased and his head darted back and forth, making me lose my concentration on the customers. I knew I was approaching my limit, so I closed my eyes and let myself forget about the innocent customers wandering around out front. I sighed and clung to Levi’s hair.

“Mmn…ah!” I moaned loudly, coming into Levi’s mouth. He moved his mouth away from my length and swallowed a fair majority of the cum; some had dribbled down onto his chin. He wiped it away and licked it off of his fingers. I panted, trying to steady my breathing.

“There’s…customers.” I said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of them.” He replied, swallowing the last bit of cum that had been left. Once he stood up, he bent down and kissed me quickly on the lips. Once he was gone, I pulled my boxers back up and re-buttoned my jeans. I joined him back out front after I was confident that my face was no longer ungodly red and that my breathing had returned to its normal pace. He was leaning back against the counter in a stance that emanated boredom, as if he hadn’t just sucked me in the back room of our workplace. 

“Welcome back.” He said as I took my place back behind the counter.

“Fuck you.”

“I sucked you off and all I get it is a “fuck you”? You’re a cruel bastard, Eren.” 

“Oh, whatever. Get over it.” 

“You could show some more appreciation, you know.” 

I rolled my eyes.

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him softly.

“There. Happy?”

“My spirits have been lifted, I must admit.” 

The rest of the night at work passed quickly, and this time when we returned to the back room, we actually got to work on restocking things. Once our shift ended, we climbed onto his motorcycle and headed home. Unlike last night, I got to fall asleep in Levi’s arms, which was by far my favorite way to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist the work part. I couldn't. I had to do it.
> 
> Oh, the next chapter is most likely going to be a side chapter with no relevance to the plot whatsoever, but it's a thing I really want to do. After that, we'll be back on track with the actual story~ <3


	18. Bowling [Somewhat Side-Chapter]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go bowling. That's it, that's the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried so hard to write a chapter without any form of angst. I tried so hard. So, so hard. I failed. Oops. It happens every single time. Oh, well. 
> 
> This started out as just a side chapter, and in a way it still is, but there's more relevance to it than I intended for there to be. So it's, like, halfway a side chapter. Yeah, we'll go with half a side chapter. Sounds good.

Bowling alleys.

The clatter of pins falling over could be heard even over the sound of adults and children talking rapidly to one another. The smell of deep fried food fills the air, emanating from the bar area that many adults prefer to the actual bowling lanes. Mainstream, overplayed music blasted over the speakers laced throughout the building. Groups of people were gathered around each lane, chatting as they switched bowlers. Congratulating each other on a strike and laughing when someone’s ball landed in the gutter. A bartender who barely looked old enough to drink booze, let alone serve it, was flittering back and forth between customers. Every surface was patterned with bowling balls and pins along with colorful, obnoxious swirly patterns. A plethora of screens above each lane displayed everyone’s scores and played animations based around how the bowler did.  
It was the last place Levi and I intended to spend our first full Friday night together in over a month.

Our plans originally involved cuddling on the couch and watching either horror movies or cheesy as fuck comedies, or perhaps a combination of both. We were going to order pizza and lay around in our pajamas.  
We definitely did not plan on standing around in an over-crowded, brightly-lit bowling alley.

Hanji and Mike, of course, were the ones to deny us that simplistic yet inviting Friday night.

Hanji called Levi around six ‘o clock, asking if we’d consider joining them for a round of bowling.

Levi said “no” before Hanji was even finished speaking.

She did not give up.

We tried to fight it.

We didn’t want to go.

Hanji is very stubborn.

We were already in our pajamas. We were about to start watching our movie.

And Hanji still somehow managed to get Levi to give her an irritated “Alright, fine.” 

A few minutes after Levi hung up the phone on an overjoyed Hanji, we found ourselves standing in the bedroom, finding clothes to wear. Apparently our pajamas weren’t an option for Friday Night Bowling.

I scavenged my drawers to find that they were pretty much empty. A majority of my clothes were thrown haphazardly into a laundry basket that we kept on the floor by the closet. I was going to do laundry the previous night, but apparently I’d forgotten to. 

“I forgot to do laundry.” I groaned, shutting the last of my drawers in defeat.

I looked over to where Levi was standing on the other side of the bed just in time to see a heap of fabric hurtling towards me. I caught it clumsily between my hands.

“Here, wear this, then.” He responded, pulling on his leather jacket. A black shirt was under it and he was wearing a black pair of jeans. What a surprising outfit for him to wear, seriously.

“Do you ever get bored of wearing that jacket with black jeans?” I asked as I turned what he’d thrown at me over in my hands and realized that it was one of Levi’s sweaters. It was the black and white striped one that he’d worn on Christmas; it was a bit too big on him, so it would probably fit me just about perfectly. I’d always loved that sweater and how it looked on him.

“You sure?” I said. Armin had always worn my sweaters and never vice versa since his clothing would have been too small to fit me. As a result, I’d never gotten to wear my boyfriend’s clothes before. I smiled at the thought of wearing a sweater that was Levi’s and not my own. 

“Oi, I wouldn’t have tossed it at you if I wasn’t. Put the sweater on, we need to get going.” I could sense his eye roll even though I had turned back around.

I sighed and pulled on Levi’s sweater; as I expected, it fit me perfectly. 

I lifted one of the sleeves to my face and breathed in. It smelled like Levi, and that made me happy. Really happy. I never wanted to take that sweater off, to be quite honest.

“Hey, turn around, I want to see.” 

I let my arm fall back to rest at my side and spun around so that Levi and I were facing each other. 

“You wear the damn thing better than I do.” I disagreed; I liked how it hung loosely off of him. A loose, baggy sweater suited him well, I thought. 

“Definitely not.” I replied.

He made his way around the bed and stood by my side.

“No, you definitely do. Don’t argue with me, asshole.” 

“Wow, you’re so sweet.”

“Always.” His hand brushed against mine and I took the hint, letting him thread his fingers through my own. 

As we walked hand in hand towards the front door, I asked, “Am I driving?”

“I don’t know. Do you want to?”

“Well, the bowling alley has a bar.”

“Brilliant observation.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. Sure, you can drive. I don’t mind. I wouldn’t make you ride with me after I’ve been drinking.”

“Thanks for that.”

“You don’t need to thank me for shit like that.”

“I do, though.”

“Seriously, Eren.”

“Fine, I’ll leave it at that.”

“Good. Now let’s pretend that we’re actually excited for this bullshit.”

“I can feel the genuine excitement emanating from you already. There’s no pretending involved.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” 

I did end up driving, and after eight minutes of driving, I pulled into the parking lot of the bowling alley. A brightly lit neon sign announced that I had made it to the right place. 

Hanji and Mike were waiting for us right inside, and as a group we approached the front counter. Hanji was the one to speak.

“We’ll pay for two games right away.” She told the woman manning the counter. 

“I thought we only agreed to one game?” Levi said. I could tell he was thinking about how much he’d prefer to be at home right then. Or maybe that was me.

“Who goes bowling and only plays one game? That’s a waste. We’re just starting out with two, mind you. We’ll probably come back for more.” 

“Eren, why’d we agree to this?”

“Because Hanji didn’t shut up.” I replied.

“Of course! You guys can’t just sit at home all the time. And bowling is fun, you know!”

“Sure.”

“Do we have to pay?” I asked. 

“Nope! Don’t worry about it, I got you guys.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“You’re welcome! Thank you for dragging Levi out tonight!” I didn’t really drag him out. If anything, we dragged each other out the door. But whatever. At least Hanji seemed happy we were there. Then again, Hanji’s always overly enthusiastic.

“I haven’t been bowling since I was, like, ten.” I said as Hanji handed the woman the money. 

“Well, I’m sure I’d be better than you at it anyways.” Levi replied, and I rolled my eyes.

“And when was the last time you went bowling?”

“No clue. Five years ago, probably. Something like that.”

“So in other words you might just suck as bad as I do.”

“Don’t count on it, kid.”

“I’m an adult.”

“Last time I checked, you’re the only one of us that isn’t old enough to get a beer here.”

“…Are you smelling my sweater?” I didn’t reply to Levi because I’d been distracted by Mike, who was hovering over my shoulder. 

“Mm, maybe.” He replied and smirked. He nudged Hanji and she grinned. They obviously knew something I didn’t. They really were odd people. Not that Levi was normal, but still.

“Alright, we’re all set!” Hanji chirped, and we made our way to one of few lanes that wasn’t occupied. There were two lanes to the right of us and the rest of the fifteen or so lanes were to our left. 

“Eren, you can go first since it’s been so long for you.” 

We all selected a ball from the racks lined up along the walls; I had no clue what difference the weight made so I just picked up the first one I came to. It was lime green and claimed to be thirteen pounds. I was the last one to make it back to our lane, and everyone else was seated in the table with connected chairs that swung outwards to allow people to get on and off of them. Levi was drumming his fingers on the table’s surface, an obvious sign of boredom. Hanji was talking, which explained that. Mike was nodding thoughtfully to whatever she said.

“Go ahead and bowl, it’s all set up.”

“Alright.” As stupid as it may have been, I was slightly nervous. I didn’t know anything about bowling, and even as a kid I’d only gone about twice in my life. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, and I had the feeling I was going to. But all I could do was stride up to the edge of the lane and let go of the ball.

I exhaled and let the thirteen-pound ball roll off my fingertips and onto the long lane stretched in front of it. I bit my lip as it rolled quickly towards the neatly lined up white pins. 

It made contact, and pins started falling. At least I hadn’t gotten a gutter ball.

Another pin down.

And another.

After a few seconds I realized with a jolt that every pin had been knocked over. 

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Levi said, and I turned around to find him with his mouth agape. 

“Woah, Eren! You got a strike! That’s amazing!” Hanji exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. 

“That’s awesome!” Mike said, offering me a wide smile.

I grinned. A strike on my first roll. That had been the last thing I’d expected.

“Good job, Eren.” Levi said as he got out of his seat and walked towards me; his turn was right after mine. 

“Thanks.” I replied. And I couldn’t help but be smug, so I added, “Beat that.” Although technically he couldn’t do better than me in one turn, because we would just be tied. But you know. Technicalities. 

Once I was comfortably seated beside Mike and Hanji, I subconsciously lifted one of my arms to my face and breathed in the sweater’s scent like I had earlier. I could tell that would quickly become a habit whenever I was blessed with the opportunity to wear Levi’s clothes. Once I realized what I was doing, I put my arm back down immediately. 

Luckily, nobody had noticed. 

I fixed my gaze onto Levi and watched as he took his turn. It started out promising, and I thought for sure that he would get a strike.

And then it started veering off to the side.

And it didn’t get back on track.

“Fuck.” He sounded irritated. I would too. 

“Ha, Levi, I didn’t think you’d get a gutter ball on the very first turn!”

“Shut up, Hanji.”

I laughed.

“Shut the fuck up, Eren, I swear to god.”

“You’re normally so naturally good at everything.” Mike mused, and we all grinned. Except for Levi. He didn’t crack a smile. If anything, he looked ready to kill all three of us. It was unnerving, actually. 

While it would have been much more amusing if he would have gotten a gutter ball on his second roll as well, it was not meant to be. Levi couldn’t manage to suck at something too much, apparently. He knocked over eight of the ten pins, which was a decent enough comeback for his turn. It wasn’t a strike, though. 

“Well, I’m up!” Hanji broke the silence. As Levi took a seat beside me, I turned to face him. 

When I opened my mouth to speak, I glanced to the side and discovered that the group occupying the lane next to us was composed of my classmates. One of them caught my gaze and furrowed her eyebrows in a mixture of confusion and surprise. At least, that’s what it looked like from my perspective. She elbowed the boy sitting next to her and he looked over at me as well. They said something to each other, and I wasn’t close enough to hear it. I returned my attention to Levi. I was going to say something, but he interjected.

“You’re damned lucky you look good in my damn sweater, because I’d be pissed otherwise.”

“You’re a really sore loser. You didn’t even do that bad.”

“I got a gutter ball.”

“Oh, shut up. It’s not like you got two in a row.”

“Still.”

Once Hanji and Mike had taken their turns (they each got a spare), Mike asked what everyone wanted to drink. Everyone decided on beer except for me, which was annoying as fuck. I ended up with a glass of pepsi. After taking my second turn (I only managed to get nine pins down in total this time), I sat back down.

Levi got a spare on his second turn, but on his third he only knocked down four pins. Near the end, however, it was obvious that he was gaining some form of technique, because he got at least eight pins down each time from the fifth turn on. 

During his sixth turn, I once again breathed in the scent of the sweater. This time, however, Hanji noticed. I found her watching me with a knowing smile on her face.

“You look really nice in that sweater, Eren!”

“Yeah, and it smells good, too.” Mike added.

“How did you get Levi to let you borrow his clothing? You look pretty adorable in your boyfriend’s sweater.” Hanji said. She’d been waiting for her opportunity to mention my attire, I could tell. My face heated up a bit.

“Awh, is he blushing, Hanji? It looks like it, but it may just be the lighting right here…”

“No, Mike, I think you just may be right.” She leaned closer to me. 

“Hey, your face is red. Are you feeling okay?” She teased. Levi had finished his turn and was sitting back down beside me.

“What are you idiots going on about?” He asked, casually throwing one of his arms around me as he got comfortable on the set of chairs. 

“Just complimenting Eren’s sweater, because he looks cute in it!” Hanji said, grinning at Levi. 

“Hey, now. It’s not my fault the dumbass forgot to do laundry.”

“Thanks.” I replied, face still at a higher temperature than was normal.

“Anything for you, dear.” It wasn’t one of his typical drunk pet-names (maybe if he’d chugged a few more beers it would have been), it was sarcastic. Just like everything else that came out of Levi’s mouth. Everyone else took a sip of their beers as I watched on.

“You all suck.” I said. I didn’t mind moving on from the topic of how I looked in my boyfriend’s sweater. Not that I minded much, but I didn’t want to be a blushing idiot anymore. 

“Not our fault Levi found somebody younger than us to date!” Mike said, and Hanji nodded solemnly. 

“Just have some of mine if you care that much.” 

I was going to grab for his bottle and accept his offer, but I thought better of it.

“Wait, fuck. I have to drive us home and shit.”

“Awww.” The three of them chanted at once, and it was impossible to tell who was being genuine and who wasn’t.

“Shit, sorry. I forgot you’re the one driving tonight.” Levi said through a yawn; I was tired as well. It had been a long week, as always. School and work were exhausting by the end of the week.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Hanji had just finished her turn and Mike was taking her place at the edge of the lane. 

Once it was Levi’s turn again, I glanced back over at the table beside us; my classmates were talking rather loudly, whether they were aware of it or not. They didn’t notice me watching and listening.

“Is that even him, though? I mean, looks like him, but…”

“Yeah, I get what you mean. He’s always in those stupid sweatshirts or whatever. But I’m pretty sure that’s him.”

“It’s weird to see him outside of school.”

“Who’s he with, though? They look older than us. And they have beer. So they’re definitely older than us.”

“So he’s with college kids?”

One of the guys spoke next. He had his arm around the waist of a brunette girl that had just been running her mouth with the blonde girl beside her. His voice was loud and I could tell he was one of the stereotypical douche bags that only ever wore a football jacket and shouted about the chicks he’d banged the night before. And so I shouldn’t let anything he said affect me. But I did, even though he probably had worse grades in school than I did. Which is saying something.

“Can’t be Yeager, then. I heard he only sits at home and cuts himself instead of getting a life like the rest of us.”

“Well, can you blame him? I’d probably cut myself if I was Eren Yeager, too.”

“I’m surprised he hasn’t killed himself yet.”

“Dude, did you forget that he missed an entire week last month?”

“Yeah, I know. So?”

“I’d bet any amount of money he tried to kill himself and failed.”

“Shouldn’t he have been in therapy, then?”

“Who knows? But there’s no way he didn’t try to kill himself in that week.”

“Yeah, I agree.”

“I wonder what his arms look like.”

“If you want to know so bad, go ask him. He wears sleeves in the middle of summer, for god sakes. I saw him at Target over the summer on one of the hottest goddamn days of the year. Obviously, he wants attention.”

“I dare you to go ask him to see his arms.”

“No! You do it!”

“No, you should.”

“Come on, somebody should. I wanna see them.”

“Why are you guys still talking about him? Christ, the kid should have been dead long ago. Still surprised he hasn’t bled himself out yet.”

“I’m sure he will soon.” 

“I hope so. He’s an asshole who pities himself too much. Boo hoo, your friend died. Go cry us a river and cut yourself some more.”

“Guys! He’s looking over here.” The blonde girl’s voice had lowered, but I could still hear it.

I looked away. I hadn’t realized that Levi’s turn had ended and that he’d taken his place beside me. I hadn’t noticed that I was tightly clutching at my sleeves, as if the people from my school could see my scars through my sleeves if I didn’t. No, I hadn’t tried to kill myself, but I’d had every intention to do so. I was biting my lip so hard that when I stopped biting down on it, it started to bleed.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’m…going to the bathroom.” I replied, practically choking on my words. My throat felt dry.

I got up and didn’t bother to look back and see if Levi was following me. I made eye contact with one of the girls that had been talking about me, and she frowned. She knew I’d heard everything. Yeah, your gossip didn’t go unnoticed like you assumed it would be. How tragic for you to be caught talking shit.

Thankfully, nobody else was in the bathroom when I made it there. I leaned over one of the sinks and stared at my pitiful reflection in the mirror. So that was what everyone really thought of me. I’d always known that nobody at school really liked me, but their words were still shocking. They were crude. They’d talked about me killing myself like it would be a blessing. And I agreed with them, which scared me. I’d spent the last month convincing myself that I was better, that I could actually leave my misery behind. I’d always known the waters would still be rough to sail. I’d known that. But in that moment, emotion crashed into me like a freight train and I remembered entirely too well what it was to wish I was dead.

I tore my gaze away from the mirror and hung my head, biting my lip and praying I wouldn’t start crying in the middle of the bowling alley. Of all the people that could have been bowling beside us, it just had to be a group of assholes from school. 

This was what I fucking got for daring to try and have a decent night with my boyfriend and our friends. 

The door opened and I didn’t look up. I already knew who it was. It was always Levi. 

He put his hands on my shoulders and lightly massaged them in an effort to calm me down. I had started shaking; from what emotion, it was hard to tell. I continued to choke back the sobs that threatened to surface. They were just classmates who were running their mouths without understanding me. I knew that. I did. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like fuck to hear people saying that about me.

_I heard he only sits at home and cuts himself instead of getting a life like the rest of us._

No. I sit at home and cuddle with my boyfriend. I have a life, and that’s with Levi. And Mikasa. And Hanji and Mike. And even Annie, and the other employees of the 7-Eleven. That counted for something, right?

_Well, can you blame him? I’d probably cut myself if I was Eren Yeager, too._

It hurt.

_I’m surprised he hasn’t killed himself yet._

Yeah, I am too. 

“Eren.” 

I bit my lip harder.

“What did they say?”

I closed my eyes. They’d said so much. I repeated several of the most hurtful statements I’d picked out of their conversation. I was still facing away from him, but I could tell he was pissed. As pissed as he was whenever I visited him after a run-in with my father. 

“People are fucking disgusting.” Levi’s voice dripped with venom. He grabbed lightly at my shoulders and I turned around so that he could properly embrace me. I buried my head in his shoulder, wishing the rest of the world would disappear. He held me protectively, shielding me from the cruelties of the world in the best way he could think to. I was silent, trying to calm myself down from the thoughts that were attacking me; I was battling both the thoughts of my classmates and my own disturbingly familiar thoughts of self-loathing. 

It was ridiculously difficult to get rid of thoughts against yourself, but it was entirely too easy to let them flood your mind again. 

Levi was silent as well. There was no need for talk that was meant to make me feel better; what I needed was a moment of silence to gather my thoughts and surround myself with the one person in the world who could make me feel better. But even he couldn’t keep every trace of negativity away. 

I didn’t cry, and I was proud of that. I felt quite the sadness, though. Tired, resigned sadness.

Tired like I wished I could take a nap that I would never wake up from. 

And that mindset had proven to be very dangerous for me.

I tried to shake off the thought and return my thoughts to Levi.

“Can we go home?” I asked quietly, head still buried in Levi’s leather-clad shoulder.

“Those assholes were leaving when I left Hanji and Mike in order to come get you. Do you still want to leave even now that they’re gone?” He knew the answer I would probably give, but asked anyways.

I remained silent so that I could think. Them being gone would definitely help, but I wasn’t resilient enough to return to lighthearted fun with the others. Maybe one day I would have that strength, but not now.”

“I just want to go home and get to bed.” 

“Fair enough. I’m sorry those assfucks ruined your night.”

“It’s fine.”

“We both know it’s not. But just remember that they don’t have a single fucking clue what they’re talking about.”

“I know.” Probably not a very convincing statement, but it was all I could do. 

He sighed. “I know that doesn’t help. But hey, let’s get going. Do you want to say bye to Hanji and Mike or just go straight to the car?”

“I’ll say bye to Hanji and Mike with you.” I wanted to apologize to them for cutting our time short. We hadn’t even made it through a single game. 

“Alright. Let’s go.” He took my hand into his own and grasped it firmly, comfortingly. He was the pillar of strength that kept my upright.

Hanji and Mike turned to us as we approached. Levi was right; the lane next to ours was vacant.

“We’re taking off.” Levi said, and neither of the others disputed it. They understood.

“Alright. Sorry things didn’t work out that well tonight!” Hanji said, and she sounded worried.

“It’s alright.” I replied.

“Would you still consider coming back and doing another round with us sometime? You have some major bowling talent going for you. You’re a natural.” Could you even be a “natural” at bowling? According to Hanji, you could. 

I thought about it; it was inevitable that next time I came here, I would think about the people from school and what they had to say about me. But before they’d gotten in the way, I’d been genuinely enjoying myself. It was hilarious to see Levi’s bowling ball rolling into the gutter. It was amusing to see how overjoyed Hanji was when she got her first (and probably only) spare of the night, or the satisfied nod that Mike gave after each turn, no matter how he’d done. I enjoyed watching as every pin fell down because of me. 

“Yeah, I think we could do that.”

Hanji’s eyes lit up brighter than the lights that had been on her choice of ugly Christmas sweater.

“I was hoping you’d say that! Now, we should begin discussing the benefits of joining a league, because Mike and I were talking, and we’d love if you guys would-” 

“We’re heading out.” Levi reminded her. 

“Oh, right. I’ll call you, Eren! You guys take care. Farewell, my friends!”

We exchanged our goodbyes and Levi and I walked out to the car, hands still tightly intertwined. 

“Okay, but, why is she calling me and not you?” I asked; now that we were gone, my spirits were lifted a bit. I still felt like trash, but I was used to it. At least now I couldn’t crawl into my own twin-sized bed and soak my sheets with blood; instead, I’d just cling to Levi’s body and will the heavy thoughts away, at least until I could fall asleep. Levi wanted me to lean on him, and that was what I’d do. That proved to be more effective than passing out on the bathroom floor while my blood stained the tile. 

…Which would probably happen soon, despite my best efforts.

Levi’s response separated me from my train of thought. 

“Probably because you’re the dumbass who’ll say yes to joining a bowling league, while I would immediately shoot her down. It involves matching shirts, you know.”

“So it’s like the Christmas sweater situation.”

“Except this time it’s the exact same shirt, except with different names.”

“Okay, but who really cares?”

“You want to parade around in the same thing as three other people while bowling with a bunch of people in their mid-thirties at youngest? Because that’s what joins bowling leagues, Eren. Middle-aged couples with nothing better do to.”

“Oh, come on, it might not be so bad.”

“What has Hanji done to the person who wanted to spend the night cuddling on the couch? Give him back, I liked that version better.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“You say I’m an asshole, and yet you’re still wearing my clothes.”

“Levi, it’s the middle of winter. I’m not going to take my shirt off just because you’re an asshole.”

“It’s my shirt.”

“Whatever. Shut up. God, you should have gotten a few more drinks in you. Then you’d be cute or some shit.”

“I may not be cute, but at least I don’t want to join a bowling league.”

“I never said I wanted to join.”

“You didn’t say that you didn’t want to, either.”

“So?”

“So, Hanji and Mike have taken a hold on you. It’s tragic.”

“Levi.”

“Yes?”

“Shut. Up.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Drive, kid, drive.”

“Call me kid one more time. I fucking dare you.” 

“You’re overly sensitive, kid.”

“I hate you.”

When we walked into the apartment together, I was reminded of why we were home so early, and my lifted spirits quickly started to fall back down. Levi caught my shift in expression.

“Hey, let’s go get our pajamas on and get into bed. We can fall asleep to one of the movies we intended to watch tonight.”

“Alright.” I went to the bathroom so that I could brush my teeth and everything. My mind, which always worked so bitterly against me, reminded me that Levi had a first-aid kit stashed away underneath the sink.

And that a box of razor blades sat readily available. I could access them at any point in time. 

_No._

I rushed out of the bathroom. 

Once in our bedroom, I pulled my pajamas on as quickly as possible and climbed into bed beside Levi.

“Woah there. Something wrong?”

“No.”

“Liar. What’s wrong?”

“Just…I can’t stop thinking about what they said. How accurate everything was. I agreed with them. Their words fucking stung, but I agreed with them.”

“Oh, god no, Eren, don’t say that.” 

“It’s been over a month since I last felt like this.” I said miserably. 

“I know. I wish you didn’t have to deal with that bullshit. God, I fucking hate that you had to go through that.”

“It fucking hurts.”

“Oh, Eren.” He pulled me forward, into his arms. I closed my eyes and moved as close to him as I could manage, and he held onto me firmly once I was settled in against him.

“I wish I could take away your pain. You don’t deserve it, after everything you’ve been through.” God, Levi. It wasn’t like he’d been through nothing, because that wasn’t true in the slightest. Levi’d had one hell of a fucked up life before.

“You do, trust me. You’re more than I could ever have asked for. Just laying here with you helps.” 

“Doesn’t change what happened, though.”

“Nope. Because life fucking sucks.”

“Amen.”

Even though Levi’s hold on me was warm and comfortable, my heart still felt heavy, and I couldn’t quite shake away the thought of not wanting to wake up in the morning. But nights like that were inevitable, as much as they sucked. I fell asleep to him stroking my hair rhythmically, which lulled me right to sleep.

What an interesting bowling trip that had been.

-x-

For the record, we did join the bowling league, much to Levi’s dismay. Our shirts were black with bright green accent. They were button down t-shirts, and the breast pocket of each shirt said our name on it. Since they were short-sleeved, Levi and I wore long sleeve shirts underneath them.

“Why the ever-loving fuck does yours say Ravioli and not Levi?” I asked when I pulled Levi’s out of the box upon their arrival. It had to be his, considering the only other one in the box said “Eren” in cursive green lettering.

“Don’t go there. Don’t even go there, I swear.”

Curiosity ate away at me, but I left it alone. He wasn’t thrilled about bowling being a regular thing for us as it was.

We couldn’t always make bowling nights, due to our work schedules that lacked any form of consistency. I always texted Hanji to let her know if we’d be there or not. 

Levi was right; we were by far the youngest group in our league. It was amusing, really. It was also nice that I would never have any more run-ins with kids from school because of it. I enjoyed bowling quite a bit, I came to find. My skill from the first night we’d gone bowling hadn’t just been beginner’s luck, and I was consistently our best bowler in our group of four. Levi, while he had improved significantly after a few weeks of bowling, was still the worst on our team. It was fun to remind him of that.

Despite a rough start, bowling nights became quite an enjoyable aspect of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was really painful to write the kids being so openly harsh about Eren, but hey, that's how it goes. Kids can be so cruel when they don't understand the pain a person is going through. And that really, really sucks.
> 
> On a brighter note, I hope you all find the Eren-wearing-Levi's-sweater thing as cute as I do. Because I think it's adorable, aaaah.
> 
> Oh! Also, next chapter is likely going to be a very long one.
> 
> Let's play guess what line was foreshadowing for the next chapter. 'Cuz it's there.


	19. Side Chapter - Fashion and Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Side chapter involving fashion and TV shows. Because why not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said that the next chapter was going to be plot-relevant again? Yeah. I lied. I lied so hard. Originally it was going to be, but the little things that I wanted to add turned out being things that added up to the word count of an entire chapter, so here we are. 
> 
> I told myself I wouldn't dedicate a whole part of a chapter to heavy-referencing my own other fic. I said I would do it as a joke, but then people encouraged me. We all know what happens when people encourage me, and here we are.  
> That being said, spoiler alert for [Campus and Complication](http://archiveofourown.org/works/907724/chapters/1757069), in case you haven't read it yet but were planning to. Because the show that they watch together in the second half of the chapter is, indeed, C&C. Woohoo~
> 
> So basically this was just me writing on a couple of irrelevant things that I wanted to write about. I also love the idea of Levi having been into pastel goth fashion at one point, and that is the only explanation I can provide for why the first half of this chapter even exists.
> 
> Despite being just about pointless, I hope you enjoy the chapter regardless! This time when I say next chapter will get us back on track, I really mean it.

It was unlikely that I would ever forget one particular Saturday afternoon in the middle of that February. Late-winter snow fell lazily from the melancholic grey sky. Levi and I didn’t have to be into work until ten ‘o clock that night, so for once, we were at liberty to spend the whole day together. I didn’t go to visit mom or Mikasa and Levi refused to touch any of his schoolwork for the day. Our day was to be meant to be spent in each other’s company from start to finish. We woke up around eleven and summoned the motivation to crawl out of bed before noon, which was actually a miracle for us. 

The weather outside was frigid; according to the television, it was into the negative twenties with the wind chill. The heating system in the apartment hummed just loudly enough to be noticed every now and then; the pleasant warmth it provided was enough to make up for its volume. Levi, who was apparently trying to be the ideal boyfriend, tried making us pancakes for breakfast. He tried. In his defense, though, these ones actually looked like pancakes. There’s a first for everything, I suppose.

The relatively poor taste of the pancakes was offset by having been able to witness Levi working in the kitchen. With rolled up sleeves (it was still difficult to bear witness to his scars, but I’d seen them often enough to not be quite so shocked by them), he put all of his focus into creating the pancakes that only half tasted like pancakes. He’d been so intent on his task that when I tried lingering in the kitchen to converse with him while he cooked, I got kicked out.

“Tch, go on, go watch TV or something. Don’t you want these damn things to taste decent?” 

When he turned to glare at me, I noticed that he’d somehow managed to get a drop of batter on his cheek. I laughed and his eyes narrowed even further. I leaned forward and swiped the batter away, and then I licked it (more suggestively than was necessary) off my finger, winking as I did so.

“Get the fuck out of here.” 

I did as I was told.

When Levi’s pancakes were ready we sat together at the kitchen table and chatted as we ate. Our conversation was based around the mundane things that we would likely forget as soon as the conversation ended. We washed the dishes together and then Levi threw in a load of laundry; lord knows that if he didn’t do it, it would never get done. I sprawled out on the couch and flipped through the stations when he got up to switch out the laundry. 

Twenty minutes later, Levi dropped a grey laundry basket beside my legs on the couch. 

“I did the laundry, so you can put it away.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes as I reluctantly repositioned myself in preparation of leaving the comfort of our couch. He took his typical spot on the couch and I decided to hurry with putting away the laundry in an effort to spend as much time in close proximity to Levi as I could. I hustled into my room and began putting (throwing) the clothes into their rightful spots. Some of the stuff that Levi washed belonged in the closet rather than the dresser, so I made my way over to the closet and opened the door. I generally didn’t give much thought to the closet, since the vast majority of my clothes resided in the drawers.

“Shit.” I said, bending down to pick up the hanger that I’d somehow managed to drop. It fell away into the shadowy abyss; although it was very neat, it was cluttered. After a few moments I tracked down the lost hanger, which had fallen onto the surface of a semi-closed cardboard box. Upon further inspection, I noticed there was a bit of fabric hanging over the side; a box of clothing. Intrigued, I got as good of a hold as I could on the box and lifted it up after I’d put the hanger back in its rightful spot. The box was larger than I’d anticipated but it was light enough to not give me any trouble as I slowly backed up and out of the closet. 

I threw the box onto the carpet in the middle of the room and stared at it for a moment before approaching it. The fabric that had been sticking out was apparently a very light purple, much to my surprise and confusion. With my curiosity at its peak, I thrust my arms into the box and grabbed as much of the box’s contents as I could. I saw down on the floor in front of the box and examined the clothing I’d just spread onto the floor. My confusion deepened significantly when I realized that I was staring at an assortment of interesting clothing pieces, half of which were black and half of which were a various pastel color. Purple was the most common among the pastel pieces. 

What the fuck was all of this doing in a box in Levi’s closet?

I gingerly picked up one of the heaps of pastel purple fabric; it was an oversized sweater which featured an inverted black cross in the center. I picked up another piece of clothing; another oversized sweater, this time black with a bunch of pastel pink bat shapes spread across the dark fabric. When I went to pick up another object, a glint of silver caught my eye. Moving a grey sweater with black inverted crosses all over it, I uncovered what appeared to be a headband. It was difficult to tell, though, because it was covered in a mass of white roses and silver spikes. The next thing I saw was a pair of what appeared to be leggings; they were black and had skeletal legs printed on them. 

After I’d seen everything that I’d pulled from the box the first time, I got back up and started digging through the rest of the box. A sense of vague familiarity struck me as I examined clothing that all looked the exact same after a while; for the most part, everything featured inverted crosses, bats, or skeletons. Eventually I remembered why it was familiar. I’d seen it on the internet a while back; countless pictures of girls wearing the exact same type of clothing. If my memory served me correctly, those girls referred to their fashion choices as “pastel goth”, which made a lot of sense, actually.

Completely absorbed in the black mixed with pastel, I totally forgot that Levi was awaiting my return into the living room. I was reminded of that, however, when I was snapped out of my trance by the sound of his voice. 

“What the hell is taking you so long?” He asked, leaning against the doorway with a drink in his hand. His eyes moved back and forth, taking in the scene laid out in front of him. As he registered what was going on, his eyes widened slightly and he strode forward quickly, snatching the sweater I was currently holding out of my hands (after taking care to set his drink on the dresser).

“What the fuck are you doing?”

I gave him a sheepish smile; I probably shouldn’t have been digging around a random box in his closet, but here we were.

Somehow, my mind hadn’t registered that the clothes in front of me could possibly belong to Levi. But his reaction was far too strong for them to belong to anyone else, and come to think of it, everything did seem to be just about Levi’s size. I imagined Levi wearing the clothes that I’d just been looking at for god knows how long and couldn’t keep myself from laughing. I looked up from my spot on the floor to make eye contact with Levi, who had the purple sweater clutched tightly between his fingers as he gave me a look of intense resentment. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to find the box of pastel goth apparel stashed away in the closet. Seeing him angrily holding the purple sweater just made me laugh harder.

“Wait, don’t tell me…these are actually your clothes?”

“And if they fucking are?”

“Oh, my god! You actually wear these?” I clutched at my sides, laughing harder and harder the more I imagined my ever-so-serious boyfriend in an oversized purple sweater and skeleton leggings. 

“Wore. Past tense.” He muttered; he bent down and started picking up the clothes that I’d so rudely thrown about and shoving them back in their cardboard box.

“You? He who practically lives in his leather jacket and black clothing? No way.”

“I should have thrown this shit out when I got the chance. I was going to. I had every intention to, actually. And then you moved in, and I forgot.” I couldn’t tell if he was speaking to me or speaking to himself. 

“Can I please have some context here? I’m confused as fuck.” I was being honest; I had no clue what was going on. Suddenly everything was an odd combination of Levi and pastel, and it was confusing.

“If I avoid your questions, you won’t stop asking them, will you?”

“Definitely not.” 

“So in other words I have no way out of this, even though you’re the fucking idiot who went digging around in the closet for god even knows what reason.”

“Basically.” I replied with a grin, knowing he was cornered. 

He rubbed his temple in irritation as he sat down beside me on the carpet, still holding one of the sweaters. 

“Alright, so I had absolutely zero intention of bringing this up. Ever.”

“Well, too late. Go on.” I was enjoying this way too much. 

A sigh on his part. “Alright, so I didn’t get my motorcycle immediately after recovery. I didn’t get my piercings or tattoos immediately, either. Before all that, I decided, tragically enough, that this was actually an acceptable way to dress.” 

“Okay, but, like. Why? What was it that made you decide that this was how you were going to spend your money?”  
He shrugged. “I liked it.”

“You…liked it.”

“Obviously. Why else would I waste my money on it?”

I snickered, imagining Levi’s eyes lighting up at the sight of a pastel inverted cross sweater that he didn’t yet own. 

“Alright, if you laugh one more goddamn time I’m done. Just, done.”

“Oh, come on, you’d be doing the same if you were me. Don’t even try and deny it.” 

“I don’t understand what’s so funny about it.”

“That’s because you have a stick up your ass, Levi.”

“Shut the fuck up, I do not.” 

As he turned the sweater’s fabric over and over again in his hands, an idea struck me. And it was brilliant.

“Hey. I had an idea.”

“Great.”

“This shit still fits you, right? You should totally go put some of it on. I want to see this.”

His answer was immediate; the words had barely made it out of my mouth. “No.”

“Oh, come on. You know you want to.”

“Not really.”

I snatched the sweater from his hands and waved it in front of him teasingly. 

“Wear the sweater. Wear it.” I cooed; I would have given anything to see Levi in that clothing. 

“No.”

“Yes.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“…I swear to god, Yeager, if you laugh at me, you’re fucking dead.”

“You need to stop that whole calling me by my last name thing. We’ve been together for several months, I think we can be done with that.”

“Never gonna happen, Yeager.” He took the sweater back into his own hands. “What is it exactly that you want me to wear? Also, you’re lucky I love you. I never wanted to think about this shit again.”

“Says he who kept the clothing around for years.”

“I had every intention of throwing it out.”

“And yet, you didn’t.” I got up and dug around in the box, looking for whatever I wanted to make Levi wear. I ended up deciding on the skeleton leggings and pastel purple inverted cross sweater that we’d passed back and forth. I handed him the clothing and he rolled his eyes. Once he stood up, he hastily got undressed and pulled on the clothing that I’d provided him with. I’d decided to keep my eyes off of him while he changed because I wanted the full effect of the outfit that was so uncharacteristic for my boyfriend. 

“Alright, I’m dressed, so you can stop looking away like a bashful adolescent now.”

I returned my gaze to Levi and apparently he’d found the time to grab a cigarette from his discarded pants, because he had it hanging from his mouth, unlit. As I absorbed the sight ahead of me, he lit it and had taken several lazy drags from it before I said something. Oversized truly was the best way to describe the sweater; it fell loosely around him and the sleeves were just a tad too long. I realized that thus far in my life, I had never even considered that a guy could possibly wear leggings. Much less pull them off. And somehow, Levi did. Of course he fucking did. 

The look was incomplete, though. Since I’d managed to get Levi into the clothing itself, I decided it was best to go all out. He was just wearing socks, but I knew that if he’d spent so much money on pastel goth (which he obviously had, judging by how full the large box was), he would have matching footwear.

“Don’t you have shoes to wear with that?”

“Are you fucking serious?” Levi was watching me with a slightly blank stare, confused by my comment. He’d been expecting me to laugh, no doubt. And I wanted to, trust me. But I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at him, because the truth was, he looked fucking good. 

“Yes, I’m fucking serious. We met last week and it just escalated very quickl-” Levi cut off my speech.

“Alright, we’re done with that. You seriously want to see the shoes, too?” For somebody who had been so reluctant to get into the clothes, he didn’t seem incredibly opposed to showing me those shoes. Whatever the fuck they would be; I had no clue what the fuck pastel goths wore for footwear. 

“I’m serious. Show me!” My response was definitely more enthusiastic than I’d intended it to be. Oh, well. Levi wasn’t exactly in a position to judge, anyways. Fucking pastel sweaters.

Without saying anything, Levi headed off to the closet. He disappeared into its depths and returned a moment later with several pairs of shoes gathered into his arms. He shifted them to free one of his hands and gestured for me to sit back down on the floor. Once I was seated, he dropped the shoes onto the floor ahead of me. I started picking them up and examining them immediately; half of them were boots, half of them were very elevated platform shoes. One pair of black boots had studs covering a fair majority of the surface area. I looked back to Levi’s outfit and decided on the pair of shoes I thought would suit it best; a pair of short pastel purple boots with black laces that matched Levi’s sweater perfectly.

“Here.” I said, holding out the boots to him. Levi actually seemed…impressed.

“Good choice.” He said as he pulled the boots onto his feet.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I used to wear these together a lot.”   
He stood back up and so did I. 

“There, happy?” He asked. 

I thought for a moment and decided that something was still missing. I remembered the headband that I’d discovered earlier and knew that it was what I was looking for. I returned to the box and dug it out, smoothing over the slightly crumpled down roses adorning it. 

“I fucking knew you’d go for that.” He held out his hands for me to give him the headband, but I didn’t.

Instead, I walked the last couple small steps separating us and placed it onto his head myself, taking care not to mess up his hair that he cared way too much about. I took a step back and admired my handiwork. As fucking weird as it was to know Levi had at one point been completely into this, I had to admit that he somehow still managed to pull it off. Did I prefer his typical leather jacket and black pants? Probably. But this was a sight that I’d never imagined I’d get the chance to see (of course I didn’t fucking think about it, how the fuck would this shit even cross my mind if I didn’t find it in the back of a closet?), and I was enjoying every second of it. 

“Well?”

“Well, I can’t believe that I’m not laughing at you right now. I should be. I want to be.”

“Wow, thanks, Eren.”

“But hey, you look good. Although I have no clue how I ended up dating some serious asshole with a motorcycle with an untold past involving pastels and cats. By the way, you should wear that one cat sweater next.”

“It’s not like it was vital information. And you’d have to be more specific, because I have like five different goddamn sweaters.”

“Seriously?”

“Would I really lie about the number of embarrassing cat sweaters I owned?”

“Good point. You should totally wear one next, though.”

“Nice try. Definitely not.” 

“Please?” His resolution appeared to waver, but he regained it almost immediately.

“You’re extremely lucky I’m tolerating this right now.”

“I don’t think you mind as much as you’re saying you do.” 

“I’m just going to ignore that.”

“So you’ll wear the cat sweater?”

“That’s definitely not what I said.”

I ignored Levi and bent down to rifle through the box once more. Levi was right; I found at least four different sweaters featuring cats in my search. The one I chose was a mixture of several different pastel colors; the cat’s head and neck were shown, it was a light grey color, and it had a large gold crown on its head. It was as oversized as the one Levi was currently wearing. Perfect.

“Hey, wear this one.” I said, holding it up to show him.

“Haha, no.” 

I had an idea. I was having a lot of those at that point in time, which was a nice change of pace. Especially since it involved Levi in really dumb cat sweaters.

“Even better! Wear it to work tonight.”

“What the fuck’s gotten into you?”

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’ll give you head if you wear that cat sweater to work tonight.”

Several hours later, we arrived at work. 

Levi spent the shift in an oversized cat sweater.

-x-

Sunday afternoon was spent similarly to the previous day, but this time we didn’t even have to get up and go to work. The afternoon was spent on the couch with a bag of chips and a blanket shared between us. I was lying against Levi and he kept his arms protectively wrapped around me, as if daring the world to even try and pull me away from him. We took a nap together at one point and woke up around five ‘o clock. After a dinner of ramen noodles, we resumed our previous position on the couch and enveloped ourselves in the warmth of the blanket. We’d both definitely been in need of a stress-free weekend spent doing as little as possible, and we were perfectly content with it. 

The station we’d been watching had stopped playing the shows we enjoyed, so I grabbed the remote and started searching the guide for something better to watch. 

“Is I.D. okay?” I asked; I hadn’t watched it in a while and while I knew Levi liked that station as well, I wanted to make sure he was fine with it. 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

I pressed the select button on the remote and glanced at the clock to see that we’d made perfect time; it was six ‘o clock, so a new show was just starting. I felt a twinge of disappointment when I realized how familiar the beginning of the show was; I’d seen it before. I remembered, though, that I’d never caught the ending; also, I hadn’t paid much attention the first time I’d seen it, although it’d been interesting. And so this time, I actually paid attention to the story unfolding on the television screen. Levi quickly found himself absorbed in it, as well. 

We watched as the two main “characters” were introduced; it was a true story but the names of the people had been changed and as was common on such shows, dramatizations were used far more often than actual footage. One of the characters was a college professor in a college a few states away from us; the other was one of his students. The college professor apparently had a pretty shitty life before a chief of police tried to tear him away from the world of crime, which for the most part worked. Until him and his student (who were apparently involved in an illicit student/teacher relationship) broke up and ceased communication.

When thirty-ish year old man on the screen arrived on the doorstep of some old guy’s house, I knew it was taking a turn for the worse. I’d become attached to the professor and his student throughout the show, and I found it to be rather sad when the dramatization switched to the man sitting alone in his apartment with newly-obtained cocaine. When he took his first hit of cocaine, I felt Levi tense. The show went on. The narrator of the show announced that the man’s descent into heavy drug dependence was quick, likely due to his previous addiction. But apparently he’d never done heroin; that changed, and he resorted to it. 

When the man on screen began using heroin often, the narrator went back to describing the man’s inability to function properly as a human being without drugs. He couldn’t stand consciousness without being high. Levi tensed up even further, and this time I turned my head around so that I could face him. 

“Hey, we can change the channel if you want.” I said gently, knowing exactly why the show was hard for him to swallow.

“No, keep it on. I want to see what happens.” Levi replied with confidence. Still, I was concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just, I know exactly how he feels. It hurts, I guess.” 

My heart felt heavy in my chest when Levi admitted that it hurt, that it hurt to remember what it was like to depend on substance abuse just to make it through the day. It was a pain that Levi would likely never fully shake off, and it fucking sucked. 

“You’re sure you still want it on?” 

“I said keep it on.” I got the feeling the topic was no longer up for discussion, so I dropped it and returned my attention to the story unfolding before my eyes. 

The man was dying. He would have died, too. But his student/boyfriend/whatever found him in an alley in enough time to call 911. Levi sighed heavily when the man was found passed out and his grip around me tightened slightly. Whatever the hell show we’d chosen to watch, it wasn’t pleasant. I wasn’t quite so affected by it, but I’d also seen a fair majority of it already.

The professor and his student were back together. They made it through the man’s rehab stay together, and lived a few hours away from each other for a few years after so that the student could finish college. Before they did that, though, there was still work that had to be done. Each of them managed to get shot in the process of tying up loose ends; nonfatal, of course.

Once graduated, he moved to the professor’s apartment; the man had his life back on track and everything went well for them. As the story became progressively more lighthearted, we started adding in our own comments on the happenings. We decided they were incredibly dorky assholes despite the hell they’d gone through. In all honesty, they reminded me a bit of Levi and I. 

They got engaged. We watched a dramatization of the older proposing to the younger, and it was actually adorable. It was nice to see the two individuals we’d grown attached to in the span of an hour or so get such a happy moment. They deserved it.

“That’s actually really fucking cute.” I commented as the younger’s eyes widened in surprise and overwhelming joy as he agreed to marry his ex-professor. 

“Let’s get married.” Levi replied simply, and I rolled my eyes. 

“Levi, I’m eighteen.”

“So? It’s legal to get married at eighteen, technically.”

“I haven’t even graduated high school yet.”

“So? I’m not out of college yet, either.”

“Exactly.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to get married?”

“We’ve been together for, like, a few months.” I still would have been more than content with marrying Levi, but it was most definitely not the time for that. Yet. Maybe one day. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, because anything could happen. Anything. And while I desperately hoped that Levi would be a major part of my future, there was no guarantee. Nothing in life was guaranteed, after all.

“I’m failing to see the problem.” Levi said, breaking my train of thought.

“We’re not getting married yet, oh my god.” I replied.

“Whatever you say, dearest.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“We just missed like seven minutes of this shit.” 

At least we had DVR. We re-winded it back to the proposal scene and watched what he’d missed in our distraction. The narrator claimed that they led quite the normal life after that, and they had their wedding all planned out for the most part. I expected to see the show end with both of them getting married, making that show’s episode one of the most uplifting in the series. I forgot that the particular show we were watching was one focused solely on the lives of people who were no longer alive, so I shouldn’t have been surprised at the show’s ending. But holy shit, it managed to catch me off-guard.

I grabbed a chip from the near empty bag and shoved it into my mouth right as the narrator announced that they had actual footage from the security camera of the apartment complex they’d lived in. It wasn’t great quality, but the scene was still very clear. A man came into their home under the guise of one of the older’s bosses, and the younger willingly let him in when the older was not home. The older came home and a couple minutes later, the sound of gunshot emanated from the television and suddenly the younger was dead. My mouth was wide open in surprise at the sudden turn of events.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Levi said; he was every bit as surprised as I was.

“This is bullshit. Bullshit.” I replied, and a dramatization of the funeral played on the screen.

“I thought you said you saw this? You didn’t say it was a fucking tragedy.”

“Oh, shut up, you’re not even someone who gives a shit about what happens to the people in shows like this. You don’t even get to complain.”

“Hey, now, I liked these guys. They reminded me of us.”

“Oh, you too? I was thinking that too, honestly.”

“At least the one guy is alive. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be him, though, because if anything happened to you, I have no clue what I’d do. I don’t even want to think about how fucking horrid that would be. But anyways. Yeah, at least one of them made it-” Another gunshot sound. 

“Oh, wow, really? Fucking really? Are you serious?” Levi’s tone was incredulous; the older man had shot himself, unable to live without his fiancée. It was fucking sad. 

The narrator gave a short closing speech, announcing the end of the show.

“That was stupid. We’re not watching that show again.”

“It was your idea, asshole.”

“Whatever. It was stupid.”

“I agree. I’m not surprised he ending up killing himself, though. He seemed like the type that would. I don’t blame him one bit. If something happened to you, I can tell you right now I’d-”

“We’re not going there. Can we just watch a horror movie now? Or something?”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea. No more of this I.D. bullshit you like so much.”

“You like the channel too, you know.”

He ignored me. “Why are we getting worked up over a goddamn show, anyways?”

“Good question. I have no clue. So a movie it is, then?”

“I’m up for it.”

He ended up falling asleep within the first twenty minutes of the movie; his grip around me loosened and I felt the rise and fall of his chest form an even rhythm behind me. I fell asleep acquiring warmth both from the blanket and my boyfriend; my last thought before falling into unconsciousness was sadness over the unfortunate outcome of the professor and student’s lives and gratefulness over the fact that it wasn’t Levi and I. Because being able to do something as simple as grow attached to a two-hour long show together with my boyfriend meant that I wasn’t struggling quite so badly. That for the moment, at least, there really was light to my world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //The angst is coming, in case you were wondering. It's definitely coming.


	20. Relapse (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's easy to lose sight of progress when one day goes horridly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you the angst was coming. I wasn't lying.
> 
> Alright! A couple of things on this chapter.  
> First of all, this chapter has been split into two parts in an effort to keep it from going much over 10k words, because it would otherwise. I do apologize for the fact that I get kind of wordy and perhaps don't always stick to the point; just know that I am fully aware it's something for me to work on. In any case, I hope you enjoy the chapter regardless!
> 
> Also, if you haven't heard this song (which you probably have), you should really listen to [The Scientist by Coldplay](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM). It comes up in the later half of this chapter, and it's just a really good song. Yeah.
> 
> Anyways, as always, thank you for reading~! <3

It was February, and I had been living with Levi for almost a month and a half. Our first bowling trip had taken place a couple of days ago, and it was Monday morning. Joy.

Living with Levi was so natural that it was easy to forget that I’d ever lived anywhere else. It was easy to drive home from school knowing that my destination was our apartment, and not an old house with memories of dad lingering in every corner. It was natural to look up from my spot on the couch to greet Levi when he walked through the door, looking tired and most often cranky as a cigarette dangled from his mouth. It was natural to sleep in his bed, whether it be with or without him; throughout the month, I’d grown used to both. It was natural to get up and make Levi a drink as soon as he walked through the door, because it was normally one of the first things he went for on the nights that he didn’t have to work. His workload was heavy since he was into his last months of college, so the least I could do was make his drinks for him, because I never had nearly as much that I had to get done as he did.

I went to visit Armin every Sunday morning, even on the days that I had to work until five or six in the morning. Levi was always catching up on sleep at that time anyways, so it worked out pretty well. Very rarely did I run into anyone else in the cemetery early in the morning, and it was nice feeling like I was alone with Armin, uninterrupted by the presence of others wandering the graveyard for the same purpose as me. Visiting Armin was the perfect way to get away from the bullshit of reality, even if only for a couple of hours. I tell him about anything and everything that’s happened since the last time I visited him, and I tell him how much I still miss him and always will. If I’m feeling sentimental, I’ll spend my time with him reminiscing our shared memories of the past, even if it’s painful to do. And trust me, it is.

My days were still often filled with fleeting terror whenever it crossed my mind that dad could come back at any time. Sure, he wasn’t allowed to return to the house because of the cop’s involvement. I didn’t even live there anymore, anyways. And there was no way in hell he’d be able to figure out my new address, to figure out that I had made my home an apartment shared with my boyfriend. My fear was irrational, but it was there, and I couldn’t deny it. Trepidation over my father’s location would likely never dissipate, and that was all there was to it. 

He had become the demon of my nightmares both dreamt and imagined in full-on consciousness. He was the one whose hatred for me could actually come close to my own hatred of me; but like I’ve said in the past, he can hate me all he wants, because in the end, I really always will be the one who hates me most. I try not to. I try not to, because of Levi, and because of Armin. Because I’d promised both of them that I would fight, which included fighting my own worst enemy; myself.

Although that hatred never dissipated as much as I would have liked, I did have to admit that it was getting better. I was on an upward slope for the first time in almost two years. Levi was there for me constantly and it worked wonders. I always had something to learn from him, because even in his varying stages of drunkenness, he was still always the one there for me. The one to give me advice and help me make it through life day by day. He convinced me to focus on the small things instead of the big picture, and he calmed me down every time that I worked myself up. My days were slowly becoming easier to handle, and I was taking fair-sized steps in the right direction.  
But it was never destined to be quite so easy.

School had never been a pleasantry for me, especially not these past couple school years. But while school had simply been something to barely tolerate before, now it had become something to be dreaded. Before, people simply hadn’t paid attention to me aside from offhand glances of pity and hushed whispers that surrounded me at every corner. But now offhand glances were shifting to shameless stares and hushed whispers were shifting to loud comments meant for me to hear. The shift had begun almost immediately after I made my appearance at the bowling alley; the guys who’d been there apparently had too much fun to leave it at the alley. 

I became a person of interest in my school. I heard comment after comment that dug the knife perpetually buried in my chest even deeper as they reached my ears. They started out slow; once every couple days I’d hear a girl tell her friend that I tried to kill myself or hear a guy call me a “pathetic emo”. And then I was hearing such comments at least once a day. Less than a month later and people actually began to confront me.

People would walk right up to me and ask me about my scars. The more daring ones would ask if they could see them, even. People asked me what it was like to cut myself. Asked me what it was like to come close to dying by my own hand.

None of these people had ever so much as seen my scars. Everything was founded on rumors. Somehow, that made it all worse. They didn’t even know to what extent I’d hurt myself; they couldn’t even prove that those scars existed in the first place.

To make matters worse, they took to reopening the wounds my dad left on my soul by mentioning him. Word had finally spread that he was an alcoholic that had been reprimanded by the police and told to stay away from our house. Although it was true, I still hated the fact that people were talking about it. They had no clue about the reign of terror he’d had in our household; to the students, he was just a nice conversation starter. A subject almost as interesting as his fucked-up kid.

If there was anything I learned in February, it was that kids are fucking cruel.

-x-

Nothing in this world lasts forever, and contentment in the form of stability was no exception. On the last Friday of February, I was left with only myself for company. Levi was working and I was not. Reluctant to partake in solitude, I did make the effort to find company for the evening. It simply was not to be, however; Mikasa had plans with Annie and my mother, who had recently taken up an advanced cooking class, had class with her recently made friends. Since all three of the only people I would possibly choose to spend my time with were busy, I was left to my own devices more so than I had since I’d moved in with Levi. There were a couple of other nights that I’d been completely alone, but those were different. Those were nights that I was fine, nights that I could go to bed without praying I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

But my day had been shitty from the start. Self-restraint had not transpired among the student body, and I’d heard more comments made about me than I’d ever care to admit. The student body’s sudden intense hatred of me had come on so suddenly that it was difficult to swallow. I was reminded every single day that I’d tried to kill myself, that people thought it would have been better if I’d succeeded; on Friday, I heard such things more throughout the day than I ever had. Every single time that they cruelly reminded me of my demons, it felt like I was getting stabbed viciously in the chest.

My dad’s influence over me had finally began to dissipate lately to the point where I’d felt like I was getting better, slowly but surely. Progress had been made and each day that passed without hacking my skin apart was an important milestone, as Levi would assure me as he stroked my hair or held me close. The passing days weren’t easy by any means, but it was tolerable without dad beating me down at every turn. 

But while dad was no longer physically there, his malicious intentions lingered on in the form of my classmates. In the span of just over a week, and it was suddenly like dad had never disappeared at all. Levi had to spend more and more time talking me down out of urges. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d gone and murdered a fair majority of the senior class, because he sure as fuck wanted to. He still had all of his own shit to deal with, however, so I did my best not to burden him down quite so deeply so that he could focus on his own education and person problems (i.e. his parents who were unrelenting with their attempts at contact). He could always see right through me, though. In any case, his efforts at keeping me from mutilating myself had succeeded thus far. 

I felt it coming on again. There was terror in the familiarity of being stuck in a tunnel with no light source. It was beginning to suffocate me, to drag me under its depths until the basic act of breathing became a labored chore. Surrounded by people who considered my self-hatred to be a game meant for them to enjoy, there was never enough air to consume.

What contributed most to my wretched day was when I was walking out to my car after school. I was hurrying along, anxious to get home and away from the hideous voices of the students all around me. The day had not been kind to me, and I was in a shitty mood as it was. I certainly wasn’t in the mood for confrontation of any sort; the only person I wanted to lay eyes on was Levi at that point. One of the guys from the bowling alley, however, had plans that contradicted my own. I had just reached the parking lot when a raucous voice called my name.

“Hey, Yeager!” He shouted, approaching me at a stride quicker than my own.

I sped up my pace, but I knew my outcome looked bleak; my car was not yet even in sight, because I had the tendency to park in the very last rows. Nonetheless, I kept walking, doing my best to ignore the roaring animal behind me.

“Hey! Stop walking away, I just want to have a chat!” He laughed, pace quickening further. He had a couple of his friends flanking him, and I had nobody. At school, I was alone. At school, Levi practically didn’t exist. I tried to break into a run (which wouldn’t have worked great anyways, considering my extreme lack of athleticism), but he caught me by the back of my yellow slay titans sweatshirt. The action immediately and painfully reminded me of my dad, and I cried out in a mixture of shock and terror. He was one of the bigger, more muscular guys at our school; his powerful grip was also reminiscent of my father.

They laughed. They laughed at my outburst. Their laughter pierced through my ears and it awakened a fury made from pent-up emotion.

The guy spun me around. He made me face him and give me a hideously twisted smile that suggested he was having the time of his goddamn life. 

“Come on! Tell us about that guy you were with at the bowling alley. Are you fucking him?”

“Let go of me.” I snarled. 

“How often do you guys fuck, faggot?”

“I said fucking let go of me!” I shouted desperately, trying to break away from his grip. Terror flooded through me; it was all too close to the situations I’d gotten into with dad. 

“Does he know you tried to kill yourself, huh?” 

One of the others chimed in.

“I bet he tried to kill himself too! I mean, have you fucking seen him?”

“Damn, you’re right! Hey, fag, do you guys sit around and compare scars?”

“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed, swinging my arm up at him; my fist connected to his jaw. His eyes ablaze with disbelief and rage, he swung a powerful fist at me that landed right on my face. I yelped and brought my hand up to my face as a drop of blood trickled out of my nose.

I was angry. Angry that such hideous monsters existed. I may have been a monster as well, but my only target was myself. And even so, thanks so living with Levi and having him around me every single day, I’d built up some sort of resiliency that kept me from hating myself quite so much. Thus, that day I didn’t feel I truly deserved to be in the pain that they were causing me. Thanks to Levi, I was learning how to fight back once in a while. And fight I did. 

After a couple more punches were thrown at each other haphazardly (he was big, he was strong, but he wasn’t all that strategic; he lacked the vicious strategy that my father had always used), we became entangled and fell to the ground in a mess of flailing limbs. We punched, we kicked. Everything was a confusing blur of pain and fighting. He landed quite a few blows on me, but much to the onlookers’ (we’d accumulated plenty) surprise, I landed just as many. I, however, ran out of stamina long before he did. I couldn’t bring myself to fight back anymore but he was far from over. He punched me repeatedly with everything he had and refused to relent even when I curled up and tried to shield myself. Although I cowered in defeat, the attack did not stop. Just another similarity to my dad.

He didn’t stop until the high-pitched shrill of several girls caught the guy’s attention. 

“Oh my god, honey! You need to stop picking fights!” One of them shouted, and the guy sighed before picking himself up off of me. I assumed the speaker was his girlfriend. She began running towards us, and the guy bent down to speak to me one more time before reassuring his girlfriend that all was well. 

“Worthless faggot, I hope you fucking die. You fucking deserve it.” 

It was the student who said it, but all I could hear was my dad. It was my dad looming in front of me, a force far more powerful than me. It was my dad that I’d fought tooth and claw and my dad that had beaten me to the ground. He may have disguised himself as an athletic high school senior, but it was him. There was no doubt in my mind as I watched the guy walk away proudly, welcoming the shower of compliments he received for leaving me bruised, bleeding, and breathing heavily on the cold ground. Nobody acknowledged that I’d done my fair share of damage on him. 

Everybody surrounded him in an excited swarm; not a single soul dared approach me. One or two kids sent a look of pity my way, but that was it. The group slowly made their way farther and farther away from me, leaving me in freezing solitude. The cold had managed to penetrate through my winter jacket and I decided it was time to make my exit, even though my breathing hadn’t evened out yet. My legs trembled as they attempted to support me. 

“Hey! He’s up! Go for round two!”

“Round two! Round two!” The rabid animals shouted in unison.

Although my body fought against me, I ran. I ran as fast as I fucking could until I practically collapsed against the door of my car. I gasped for breath, feeling like I was about to suffocate. My car had not been parked a short distance away from the fight, and my body couldn’t handle the physical exertion. I turned my car on and threw it into drive instantaneously, anxious to get as far away from my peers as fast as I fucking could. I was caught between sobbing until I couldn’t see and screaming until my voice became hoarse. Agony and fury mixed together into a confusing haze that lingered over me the whole drive home. Both urges were equally strong.

I normally got home around three-thirty but I didn’t walk in the door until after four. Every part of me was sore and I grimaced as I made my way to the bathroom.

I took a deep, shaky breath as I prepared to see my reflection in the mirror. My reflection stared back at me with a face that was in rough shape, bleeding and bruised. He’d managed to give me a black eye, as well. It was too close to what I looked like after fighting with dad. Way too close. 

Looking into that mirror, I saw what I used to be. I saw what I was two months ago and suddenly it felt like there’d never been a period of change. As if I’d just arrived at Levi’s apartment after being beaten by dad, there for the weekend but nothing longer. Maybe that was true. I didn’t know anymore. 

I still had a couple hours before Levi came home. Actually, not quite a couple hours; I’d forgotten that I’d come home late. I decided it was a decent idea to take care of my wounds to the best of my ability before my boyfriend walked in. I instinctively grabbed the first-aid kit from underneath the sink and did what I could to make my face seem better than it really was. To hide how hideous I’d become. And once again, I believed that this was what I deserved. Two months of relative happiness be damned.

A small, easily recognizable box. A haunting box filled with temptation that called to me with the promise of its biting caress. It caught my sight and my breath caught in my throat. I reached out, I touched it. It was there, it was accessible, and it was exactly what I needed.

But Levi would be home soon. Levi would be home and he would hold me and the world would brighten ever so slightly. Levi had been fighting so hard to show me that I could live without self-harm, that standing on trembling legs was far better than not standing at all.

But I needed it. I needed it to stop my shaking, needed it to stop the tears of agony that threatened to spill over my eyes and onto the tile. 

No. I’d make it until Levi got home.

But bleeding would be so much easier.

With trembling fingers, I wrestled one of the eerily shiny blades from its tiny container. The cool edge touched my skin just barely as I tried to steady my hand. I was ready to drag it across my skin and add a new scar to my grotesque collection.

I thought of Levi. I thought of the way he held and the way he’d whisper “I love you” so goddamn tenderly before we ‘d fall asleep in each other’s arms. I thought of all the times that he’d told me he that he believes in me, that he believes I can fight back my own demons.

“This fucking sucks!” I screamed, throwing the razor as hard as I could across the small room. I wanted to cut, I wanted to stay clean. Nothing made sense. I bit down on my lip until it bled, trying to bring my fleeting mind back to some form of sane reality.

I needed to make it until Levi got home. 

I cried. I cried when I picked up the fallen blade and put it back in the box. I cried when I made my way to the living room, replaying the fight over and over again in my head.

With tears warping my already hideous face, I made my way to the living room and waited.

-x-

When Levi was home, it was tolerable. He sensed my foul mood from the second he walked inside the apartment, cigarette perched between his fingers as usual. His typical look of irritation dissipated once he glanced over at me; as soon as his eyes landed on my bruised and battered face, his face flooded with concern. I tried to offer him a pathetic version of a smile and failed miserably. I was tired and my body felt weighed down with exhaustion, all of which likely manifested itself in my outward appearance.

I’d been lying down on the couch while waiting for Levi to come home. I’d lifted my head to greet Levi (which I didn’t even remember to do) but put it back to rest when I heard Levi’s steady approach. I closed my eyes, reluctant to launch into the explanation that Levi would prompt from me. Levi sat down on the edge of the couch, right by my chest. He twisted his body slightly and lightly traced his fingers over my face. He was extremely careful whenever he reached one of the wounds from my little skirmish earlier. I still didn’t open my eyes. 

“Eren, what happened?”

“Nothing. Fucking nothing.”

“You’re not fooling anyone.”

“Leave me alone.”

“We both know that’s not going to happen.”

“Go. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“I know you don’t want to. But your face is an absolute wreck and I’m not getting up until you tell me about it.”

I was silent. Of course he wouldn’t leave until I told him; typical Levi. But the recently created memory was painful to think about and even though I knew I wouldn’t make it anywhere by withholding from Levi, I was having trouble bringing myself to tell him about it.

My thoughts distracted me and it wasn’t until Levi spoke again that I was brought back to reality.

“Eren.”

“I got in a fucking fight, okay? It was nothing. I’m fine. Whatever. It’s done with.”

“That was more than nothing. Come on, Eren.”

“I said I don’t want to fucking talk about it! Leave it alone, Levi!” I hissed, turning my head slightly so that I wouldn’t have to meet his concerned gaze. I was being difficult. I didn’t care. I’d been waiting for him to come home so that I could tell him what happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to be in the same goddamn situation I’d been in with him so many times before. 

But my outburst proved that we had already returned to that situation. 

“Eren…”

If we were already back to square one, then holding back no longer mattered. 

I returned my cold, fury-lit gaze to him. His eyebrows furrowed with worry; he knew an outburst was coming. We both did. We’d been waiting for it from the second we laid eyes on each other for the day.

“Fine, you want to fucking hear about it? I’ll tell you all about the whole goddamn thing!” My voice was already near shouting. Levi’s hand settled on my shoulder in a comforting gesture; I shrugged it off roughly when I launched into my explanation of the day’s events.

“They fucking want me to kill myself! And you know what? I wouldn’t mind giving them what the fuck they want! I can’t take it, Levi. I can’t fucking take it. I try and shrug off their comments, I really do. I’m trying to get past hating myself but it’s too goddamn hard when every single fucking day I get reminded that I cut myself. Reminded that I almost tried to kill myself. Reminded that I’m not the only person who wants me dead. 

“I couldn’t fucking take it, alright? I snapped. They brought you into it. I couldn’t deal with it. I needed to fight back because I’m so fucking sick of every goddamn person in that place treating me like their personal game. I tried fighting back and it didn’t even fucking work. At first, I tried to run. He didn’t let me; I was trapped. And you want to know what the worst part of it all was?”

I paused. Took a deep breath; as much as my lungs would let me. I was worked up. I couldn’t calm back down; no, it was already way too late for calm rationale. Levi looked like he wanted to cry. Maybe he did. Self-loathing was taking over the majority of my mind. His concern was irritating to me. Just fucking leave and let me hate myself and cut it away until I was out of blood to spill.

How nice it had been to have a stretch of time without experiencing that chaotic frenzy of fleeting thought and loss of reasoning. When that thought struck me in my short but dramatic pause, I laughed. Suddenly the whole situation was hilarious.  
Levi reached out towards me. I smacked his hand away and continued my speech. 

“The worst part was that it reminded me of dad! The whole goddamn situation! Right from the time he grabbed me and tossed me around, all I could see was dad beating the living shit out of me. Again! It’s like he never fucking left, Levi. He never fucking left! He never…fucking…left….” I trailed off, laughter subsiding. The pair of familiar leather-clad arms wrapped around me, making me aware of my own shaking body. I raised my arms and put them weakly onto Levi’s shoulders, gripping them tightly as I continued to lose myself. 

I’d been screaming before but now my voice was little more than a whisper. 

“What if he comes back? I’m terrified of that happening. What if I have to deal with him on top of dealing with everyone at school? I can’t do that, Levi. I can’t do that.”

“You don’t have to. He’s not coming back.”

“What if he is, though? And he’ll keep hating me just like everybody else. Everybody hates me, Levi. Everyone wants me dead just as much as I’ve always wanted me dead, now.” My voice was rising once more. 

“Everyone hates me! Everyone fucking hates me! What the fuck did I do to make everyone wish I was dead so badly?” 

“You-” Levi began, but I cut him off immediately.

“Wait, that’s fucking right! I know exactly what I fucking did to make people hate me! Good, they fucking should hate me! I should be fucking grateful they want to beat the shit out of me, because that’s what I deserve! Oh my god, how could I have let myself forget that? How fucking could I? This is what I deserve in this awful fucking world!”

“No. Eren, don’t you dare say that. Don’t you fucking dare say that about yourself. Nobody fucking deserves what you’ve been through, especially you. You deserve so much better. Don’t you dare believe that you deserve everything that happens to you.” 

“But don’t I, though? Obviously, I do. It’s obvious. I’ve been a failure from the start. I’m nothing in this world. I really would be better off dead, everyone else is right.” My eyes began to water and the tears started flowing almost instantly. “They’re right. I’m worthless. Worthless. I’m fucking worthless!” I shouted, tears staining both my clothing and Levi’s as they broke away from my despairing face. 

Levi didn’t say anything right away. His grip on me tightened, holding me together as I fell apart. I shut my eyes and refused to open them. 

I felt Levi shift and his breath tickled my ear lightly as he hovered close.

_“Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry; you don’t know how lovely you are”_

He was singing quietly in my ear. He’d recently taken to singing as a means to sooth me, because it was effective and pretty much guaranteed to distract me enough to begin calming down. This was the most worked up that I’d ever been with him trying that, though. He knew it wasn’t guaranteed to soothe me in the slightest but it was his best shot. He’d definitely chosen the right song, though; The Scientist by Coldplay. It was one of the first songs I ever asked Levi to sing to me; he didn’t just sing it, he sang it right to me. He’d poured his heart into the song the first time he sang it for me and he poured his heart into it now.

_“I had to find you, tell you I need you; tell you I set you apart”_

My tears flowed faster but my breathing started to slow down.

_“Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions; oh, let’s go back to the start”_

I clung harder to his shoulders and took a deep breath.

_“Running in circles, coming up tails; heads on a science apart”_

I realized that while I’d heard him sing on plenty of occasions, this may very well have been the first time I’d heard him sing while sober. He hadn’t gotten the chance to drink yet, I remembered. I’d fallen in love with Levi’s singing voice instantly upon hearing it for the first time, but that was nothing compared to the way he sang now. Words couldn’t even begin to do it justice. I let myself focus on every syllable that escaped his lips.

His effort to calm me was working.

_“Nobody said it was easy; it’s such a shame for us to part_

_“No one ever said it would be this hard; oh, take me back to the start”_

His lips left the space around my ear. I opened my eyes and found him looking right at me, passion and sorrow in the depths of the eyes that I’d first assumed would never hold any form of emotion in them.

_“I was just guessing at numbers and figures_

_“Pulling your puzzles apart_

_“Questions of science, science and progress_

_“Don’t speak as loud as my heart”_

I still felt like shit, but I was calm. And Levi noticed that. He pulled me closer and stroked my hair.

“Don’t say you’re worthless. I can’t take it when you do that, I really can’t. Because you’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t apologize. You can’t help how you feel. It’s just…”

“I’m sorry.” I repeated, unable for formulate any other response.

“No. You shouldn’t be sorry. The fuckers at your school should be the ones that are fucking sorry. And it pisses me off knowing that they don’t feel a single shred of remorse for what they do to you. It pisses me off that I can’t do anything about it. I hate having to see you this way.”

“I…don’t know what to say right now.” I honestly didn’t. My emotional outburst left me exhausted, and that was all I knew at that point.

I let my body relax; I hadn’t realized I’d been tensed up until I let my muscles loosen. Levi wiped a tear away from my face. 

“Not really.” I said, being honest. “But I don’t feel as shitty as I did two minutes ago.”

“That’s good enough for me.” 

I leaned against Levi and allowed him to support my weight.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Levi asked after a moment. 

“Of course you can. You’re my boyfriend; you can ask me anything.”

“Before I came home, did you hurt yourself at all?” Blunt as always.

I flinched, remembering how I came very, very close to using Levi’s old razor blades to myself. I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I was fully aware of their existence and location. 

“It’s okay if you did. I won’t be mad. God, I couldn’t be mad at you for that. I just want to know.” I could tell he was assuming that I had.

“I didn’t.” I left out the fact that I’d come ridiculously close. Some things were better left unspoken, even if that probably wasn’t true. 

“I’m so proud of you right now, you don’t even know.” He said. 

“Thanks.”

“I’m serious. That takes some real fucking strength, Eren. God, you’re amazing.” What a giddy fucking sixteen year old girl.

“Calm down. It’s not that great.”

“Yes, it is. It seriously is.”

“You’re ridiculous.” I chided, but I was actually extremely happy. Well, not really, given the situation. But his words really helped. I was experiencing the calm of the storm; the first storm had passed but the second one was on its way. I had entered the false sense of security that came from the second storm being just outside of my peripheral vision. It was definitely there, I just didn’t realize it for the time being.

“Hey.” Levi started gently. “I have to go to work in a couple hours.” 

Shit. I’d forgotten that he only had a few hours with me that evening. 

“Yeah, you do.” I replied, heart feeling a bit heavier.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t know if I was telling the truth or not. 

“I can take off of work if you need me to. I’m sure Erwin wouldn’t mind that much.”

“No, you’re going to work.” My tone was defiant. “You’re not missing work because of me.” 

“I’m not leaving if you’re not going to be okay.”

“I’ll be fine. You have to trust me. I can guarantee you right now that I’ll be going to sleep as soon as you walk out the door, anyways. I’m exhausted.”

“Promise me you’ll be okay if I go to work?” He still didn’t sound convinced.

“I promise.”

“…Alright.” 

Our time together was beginning to run short. Sick of emotional exhaustion, I tried to lighten the heavy atmosphere. 

“If I say you wearing one of your cat sweaters tomorrow would make me feel better, would you do it?”

“Yes.” He answered without hesitation. After a moment, however, he reconsidered. “Wait. I take it back. No.”

“Oh, come on. It really would make me feel better, you know. Give me something to look forward to. ”

“Fine. Only for you, though.” Score.

We immersed ourselves in conversation that strayed away from the more upsetting topics. Levi ended up doing a thorough investigation of my wounds, doting over me before the clock told him that it was time to leave. Time escaped us and I felt slightly guilty when Levi never got the chance to have supper before work. He didn’t mind, though.  
Before we knew it, Levi was hovering near the door in the kitchen, ready to leave.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“Fucking sure, Levi.”

“Call me if you need anything; I’ll keep my phone on.”

“I will. Like I told you, I’m about to go to bed, anyways. Even though it’s really fucking early for that. Hell, maybe I’ll be getting up just as you get home.”

“Hey, you could use the sleep, anyways. Rest well, alright?”

“Alright. I’ll see you when you get home, probably. Have a good night at work.”

“I’ll try. Sleep well, Eren.”

“I will.”

“Stay safe.”

“I know, Levi.”

“I can’t help but worry, you know that. I love you.”

“Love you too. Now go, you’re going to be late.”

And off he went.

I had the house to myself until damn near six in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There hasn't been much Levi POV lately, I know. But next chapter/part 2 of this chapter is going to probably be just as much from Levi's POV as Eren's, so there's always that to look forward to, haha~


	21. Relapse (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is alone for the night; regrets are formed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter planned out for over a month now. I'm pretty happy I finally got to write it out, haha.
> 
> Also, these are the three songs that I listened to on repeat while writing Eren's POV for this chapter. So, consider it my music recommendations for the chapter, I guess?  
> [[x]](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OStNTjzqx4)[[x]](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD29aKGSS4w)[[x]](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeZ6F4FERTk)
> 
> Other than that, I don't have much to say on this chapter. There's a whole hell of a lot of different things going on all at once but I promise that'll straighten out a bit in future chapters.
> 
> Oh! Also, I made a [playlist](http://kawaii-blooded.tumblr.com/post/65582971757/because-im-a-complete-dork-and-a-couple-of) for HMS, so check it out, if you want!

I did indeed attempt to fall asleep after a very worried Levi left for work. Once he disappeared from sight, I lethargically climbed off of the couch and headed towards the bedroom. I pulled on my pajamas and climbed into bed, pulling all of the covers around me in a nest-like structure as I grabbed for the remote laying on the nightstand. While _According to Jim_ reruns played, I did my damnedest to fall asleep and let the hellish day meet its end. When I woke up, it would be a new day, and everything would hopefully seem a little bit better. I would wake up with Levi by my side and life would proceed as normal. The weekend would heal my emotional wounds enough to face the hellhounds at my school on Monday morning, even if only barely. 

I stopped using sleeping pills after almost trying to kill myself. It just hadn’t seemed right to use them once I moved in with Levi; a part of my past that I wasn’t interested in carrying over to my future. I wasn’t even sure if we had any in the house at that point. I had grown accustomed to losing sleep because of it; as time went by, it grew increasingly easier to fall asleep on my own, anyways. So in theory, I shouldn’t have had any issues falling asleep that night. Emotional exhaustion was supposed to lull me to sleep, especially since I’d already let out my negative emotion in front of Levi earlier. 

Or so I thought. 

Right before Levi had to go to work, I could barely keep my eyes open. I’d had to fight to keep the heavy lids open long enough to say goodbye to Levi and assure him that I’d be alright on my own. I truly believed that I was being honest.

But as soon as I hit the pillow and curled up in my warm nest of blankets, I knew I was screwed. I was instantly more awake than I’d been all day. 

Still, I tried. I wasn’t going to let Levi down; wasn’t going to let myself down. I’d already displayed more strength than I ever had by not hurting myself earlier in the day, and Levi had calmed me until I was level-headed again. As far as I was concerned, that fleeting moment of insanity was done and over with. 

I should never assume that fleeting moment of insanity is over and done with. Because it never is, really.

I pulled the blankets closer to me, desperately trying to keep my mind from going into overdrive. I pulled them over my head and enveloped myself in the warm darkness they promised me. I ignored the sounds of laughter emanating from the television. I tried to let the world naturally fade away from me and relieve me from my daytime horrors. When my mind became a mess of thought and started racing, I tried to fill it with my memories of Levi singing to me. I tried to recreate him gently whispering lyrics into my ears until my shaking ceased and my breathing leveled out.

It wasn’t working.

_Worthless._

I shut my eyes tighter. As if it would actually help.

_They’re right. All of them. Your dad, the people at school. You’re a worthless piece of shit and that’s all you’ve really been._

_That’s all I’ve ever really been._

My heart felt heavy in my chest. I took a deep breath. Tried to tell myself that it wasn’t true, that Levi was right. That I deserved better than what I’d received from the people in my life. 

But I also couldn’t deny what was so painfully true. 

Suddenly all of the small, insignificant things that I’d done wrong in the past month seemed monumental. The math test I’d failed last week; Levi had to help me with the remediation work so that I could bring it up to a C. Even after retaking, I’d still gotten below a C. The time a few weeks ago that I’d forgotten to visit mother when I said I would; she’d been unable to keep the disappointment from her face when I did go and see her. The time three weeks ago that I screwed up someone’s transaction at work, causing them to snap at me and tell me to get my job right. All small things that had been relatively easy to get over compared to everything else in my life. 

There were too many instances where I’d fucked something up, even if they were so insignificant. They were suffocating me. Each thought stabbed at me, begging me to overanalyze it and make me realize how shitty it all made me. And that was exactly what I was doing.

I laid there for an immeasurable amount of time, trying desperately to calm my mind down and fall asleep before making a choice that I’d regret. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. Whatever it was, it felt like a fucking eternity. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. With an angry sigh, I tossed the covers aside and crawled out of my cocoon of warmth.

Instead of trying to find sleeping pills, I immediately made my way to the liquor cabinet. I was probably already too worked up for them to do me any good, anyways.  
But maybe if I was too wasted to stand up or even crawl, maybe I wouldn’t have to think so much. What I needed was to be more inebriated than Levi on a Saturday night free of the nightshift at 7-Eleven.

I rifled through the liquor cabinet with desperate urgency. We were running low on pretty much everything; it’d been awhile since we’d last restocked it. The only bottle that still had a fair majority of its contents was a bottle of tequila standing behind everything in the back of the cabinet. It looked like only one or two shots worth of liquid had been taken away from the gold bottle. 

Perfect.

I grabbed the bottle and hauled it with me over to the cabinet that held our set of glasses. I reached all the way to the top where several shot glasses were lined up in an impossibly neat row. I grabbed the first one that my fingers reached and held it to me protectively, as if afraid that taking the little glass out of the cabinet would cause its demise. I quickly flittered about the kitchen with an eerie urgency as I prepared my first shot of tequila for the night.

It wasn’t the last one by a long shot.

I downed the liquid quickly and a drop of it drizzled down my chin; Levi would have scoffed at the sloppy, ungraceful shot intake. But I was alone and it didn’t matter. Once again, I found myself in a place that Levi could not reach me if he tried. As soon as the liquid burned down my throat, I poured more liquid into my glass.

Tequila is potent, and tequila is quick. I hadn’t eaten very much at all that day so my stomach wasn’t full enough to support my rapid alcohol intake. Soon my head was swimming and my thoughts of self-hatred were mixed with confusion and increasing lack of awareness.

Although the hazy intoxication was welcome as a means of distraction, it wasn’t as distracting as I’d anticipated. Or maybe I’d just been praying that tequila solved every problem; or, at least, made the problems disappear for the night. But no, no, nothing ever works out that way.

The effects were the opposite of what I wanted. As I stood alone in the kitchen drowning my sorrows with the golden liquid of a glass bottle, my feelings became intensified. My self-restraint dwindled as the bottles’ contents dwindled as well. I say bottles in plural because I wasn’t just drinking tequila; I worked my way through my typical array of mixed drinks as well. 

Everything seemed worse than it had before. It was a quick downward spiral, really. Nothing was bearable; everyone hated me just as much as I hated myself and I couldn’t handle that. I really fucking couldn’t. The alcohol agreed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. 

_You’re not good enough. You were never good enough, and your dad saw that. That’s why he gave you what you fucking deserved. That’s why the kids at school followed suit. They see it, you see it._

_I do see it. I’ll never be good enough, because I’m not fucking good at all._

_Not fucking good at all!_

It had been just a thought but I may as well have screamed it at the top of my lungs; the effect would have been the same. In my drunken frenzy, I kicked one of the kitchen chairs out of pure frustration. It hurt like hell; the chair was far stronger than any of my weak limbs. So I kicked it again. And again. Four kicks later, and I probably had a broken toe. Whatever. The chair pissed me off. I hated it. 

I hated myself. 

My mind was swimming and I was drowning. Nothing made sense (but at the same time, everything made too much sense), and I needed an aid other than liquor that would provide some small shred of order into my fucked up state of being. 

My hazy mind eventually registered that I had to piss really fucking badly. Tequila bottle in hand, I pathetically stumbled along, using the wall for support as I approached the bathroom. I could barely stand. I flicked the light switch roughly and it filled the small, bright room with light. I stared at myself in the reflection, eyes wild and face a general mess. To this day, I’m just impressed that I didn’t punch the mirror as soon as my reflection and I caught each other’s gaze. I almost fucking did. 

_What a worthless fucking monster._ I scowled at the mirror.

I finally got around to taking the piss that had been my original reason for stumbling into the bathroom in the first place. I was about to begin the long journey back to the kitchen when I, miraculously, formed a coherent thought. Although reflecting back on it, it was an unfortunate thought to have. 

Being drunk was supposed to keep me away from the dangerous edge of a blade, not bring me closer to it. 

I let myself crash down onto my knees as I fumbled around underneath the sink, fervently seeking the first-aid kit I’d dug out on so many occasions previously. A quick, uneven sigh of relief escaped my alcohol-tainted lips when my fingers met the surface it needed to. I opened the kit and threw everything I didn’t need across the small room. After removing roughly half of the box’s contents, I finally found what I wanted. 

I opened the box and grabbed a single silver blade as quickly as my shaking fingers would allow.

_I’ll just fucking cut myself like the monster I am, I should have done this from the fucking start!_

The sharp edge was balanced lightly over the flesh of my left arm, poised and ready to rip new wounds into the already heavily scarred skin. I’d discarded my sweatshirt several moments ago (I barely even realized that I did) and was left in nothing but a light grey t-shirt and my light jeans. I was seated on the white tiled floor, leaning back against the sink.

Levi did not cross my mind as my fingers found their familiar grip on the blade. Ironic, considering such shiny blades belonged to him and not me. This was a blade that had carved a long, deep white line into my boyfriend’s skin on multiple occasions. And now it was going to carve a messy, hastily scrawled line of future regret into my own arm. That blade was a few seconds away from being the source of both of our sins.

A quick, uneven alcohol-tainted breath. 

In one swift, fluid motion I destroyed almost two months of progress.

I didn’t have a rag at hand and I was too consumed with the blood dripping from my self-created wound and bottle of tequila to bother finding one. Both my jeans and the bathroom tile fell victim to the crimson that poured from my pathetic body.

_Not enough._

Eyebrows furrowed deeply in anger, I positioned the blade over my skin once more. 

_Everything is shit._

_Oh god, make it stop!_

I wanted nothing more than for the world to stop spinning. Whatever light Levi had shown me over the past two months was impossible to see in the small, bright apartment bathroom. It may as well never have existed at all. 

My world was spinning. My vision became blurred around the edges; whether it was from crying or from the alcohol’s effect, I would never really know. Another sloppy drink from the bottle of liquor and another jagged line etched into my arm. Rinse, lather, and fucking repeat. As my consciousness dimmed, I lost sight of the reasons why I was mutilating myself on the bathroom floor in the first place. All I knew was that it was right; this was what I was meant to be doing all along. That was all I was.

My body finally took pity on me. Unable to properly function between the copious amount of alcohol consumed in a short amount of time and lack of food to nourish my body, I ended up passing out somewhere along the line. I don’t even remember at what point it was; the last thing I remember was watching my own blood form a grotesque stream from my arm to the floor as I kept crudely tearing the small silver blade across my arm without abandon.

My body fell heavily onto its side as I lay passed out and bleeding on the bathroom floor of our apartment, leaving a disturbing and grotesque sight waiting for Levi, whenever he was getting home that night; I’d long since forgotten what time he’d be home or what time it was when I crawled out of bed in the first place.

My safe haven was a haven no more.

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

Time passes slowly during the nightshift at 7-Eleven even when we’re busy, and I refuse to believe otherwise. Eren would disagree with me on that one; he claimed that an abundance of customers made the night pass by in a flash. It wasn’t like that for me, however. With each idiot that I was forced to provide service to, I grew increasingly irritated at how slowly the seconds ticked by. 

Tick, tick, tick.

Naturally, tonight was worse than most nights regarding the warped passage of time; I was worried about Eren. His breakdown earlier had been the worst that it’d been since almost trying to kill himself. There was no doubt that he was gaining strength and building up some form of resiliency but that fact did little to ease my mind. I’d left Eren in a state of calm and with a promise that he’d be alright and go to bed, but I couldn’t get the situation from earlier out of my mind. 

But like he said, I needed to trust him. And so trust him I did, as difficult it was to do as I helped customer after customer. The crowd slowed down during the last couple hours of my shift, allowing me more time to think than I honestly cared for. The second half of my shift was spent alone; the coworker that had been taking the shift that should have belonged to Eren had left about an hour ago. For lack of anything better to do, I leaned back against the counter and did what I always do; I thought. 

I thought of Eren and how fucking cruel the people at his school were. I’d like to see them try and lay a single goddamn finger on him again, because there was no way I was going to let that happen again. His dad already haunted his every waking moment; he certainly didn’t need that reflected in his classmates’ demeanor towards him. I wasn’t entirely sure how to go about making sure that Eren never got beat up on school grounds again; all I knew was that I had to stop it no matter what. I’d promised to protect Eren and I had the tendency to fail despite my best efforts. But I was still just a human, and a human can only do so much. Even so, I would succeed in protecting the one I love so much, no matter how long or how much it takes.

As I thought about Eren’s classmates and what I’d heard about them I was forced to be reminded of my own unfortunate run-ins with students. Especially lately.

The first thing that came to mind was a situation from the previous week, when I’d been walking out of my last class for the evening around five ‘o clock. Computer bag in tow and leather jacket adorning my back, I hurriedly made my way to my bike. I was minding my own goddamn business, as always. 

My pace increased when raucous, entirely too recognizable voices filled the air with sound directly behind me. 

“Yo, Levi!” One of them shouted, running forward a few steps to close the distance between us. They were both significantly taller than me and thus their striders had the ability to be much longer and swifter than my own. I tensed up as they caught up to me, one of them standing to each side of me.

“Get the fuck away from me right fucking now.” I said through gritted teeth, fists balling up on instinct as my personal space was invaded.

“Come on, man! Long time no see!” One of them moved to slap me playfully on the shoulder and I smacked his hand away with force. _How filthy._

They were two men, each several years older than me (which meant that they would have been long out of college had they been intelligent enough to attend). One of them had short black hair and the other had blonde hair. I used to frequent the same gatherings as them and as much as I loathe admitting it, I’d slept with both of them while high. On more than one occasion. I’m not proud of how much I whored around before I met Eren and I never will be. But really, that’s beside the point.

“What the fuck are you both even doing here? This is a fucking college campus, you know.” I remarked flippantly, hoping that I would make it to my bike in a fairly short amount of time so that I could make my exit.

“We just wanted to see you, man! You haven’t showed up to a single gathering in such a long time. We were beginning to think you overdosed yourself right to hell or something. We miss fooling around, you know. You were so good at it, especially for such a young little twink.” I’m pretty sure the bastard winked at me; I wasn’t paying enough attention to tell for sure. I could tell as soon as I laid eyes on them that they were currently high as fuck. Assholes.

“Get the fuck away from me. Both of you. I’m not like that anymore.” It was true; I was a completely different person from the last time either of them had seen me. 

“Oh, hey, nice piercings, by the way. Those are definitely new.” One of them remarked.

“I literally just said get the fuck away from me, assholes.”

“Oh, come on, we all know you don’t really want us to leave you alone. You want us just like you wanted us last time we saw you. How’s your stock at the moment? Spend the night with us and we’ll get you whatever that pretty little body of yours desires.”

“You’re fucking disgusting. I told you, I’m not like that anymore.”

“Wait, are you implying you don’t want any drugs? You, Levi? There’s no way.” The blonde’s eyebrows were raised.

“No, I don’t fucking want any. Go find somebody else to harass, fucking assholes.” I was ready to lash out at whatever moment was necessary; I wouldn’t get away without some form of a fight. 

“You’re being so cruel to us.”

“Then take a fucking hint.”

One of them sighed. “You were so much better when you were high as fuck.”

It hurt. Not the fact that it was them saying it to me; I could care less about what they had to think about me. No, it was the resurfacing of so many painful memories in a short amount of time that was getting to me. 

“Then fucking leave. No one’s keeping you here.” 

“N’aw, we just want our old ‘lil Levi back!” I moved quickly, but for once, he moved quicker. I tried to escape his grasp but I couldn’t; not at first, at least. He grabbed me by the arms and as soon as I was somewhat immobile, he reached his hand around my waist and grabbed at the waistband of my jeans, hurriedly slipping his hand inside my pants and grabbing roughly at my length.

It took me a moment to gather my bearings and properly fight back; with a rough kick backwards I managed to loosen his grip enough to tear myself away from him, angrily snatching his hand away from where it was severely unwanted. I may have deemed such lewd behavior as acceptable in the past, but those days were long gone. As I separated myself from the men, they finally realized that I was serious about not wanting them and decided it was finally time to make their not-so-graceful exit. 

Unwilling to let them leave completely unscathed, I propelled my balled fist forward and punched the one who’d attempted to sexually assault me directly in the face. Immediately after my fist connected to his face, I swung around and kicked the other man as hard as I could exactly where it counted. He doubled over in pain and the other clutched at his face; they began to scramble away as they felt how painful my strength could actually be. 

As they ran away, they shouted at me in unison.

“Call us when you want to be the drugged-up whore again!”

Eren was constantly reminded that he’d been the source of his own scarring (even though none of the students could really know for sure; it was a sadly accurate rumor tainting his school) and that he’d almost made an attempt on his life. I was reminded that all I ever was to most people was a drugged-up fucking whore. 

I was worked up when I finally climbed onto my motorcycle. I wanted to punch a concrete wall, really. I was shaking, and I wasn’t a fan of emotional turmoil. Eren used me as emotional support, but I used him for it as well, whether he ever realizes that or not. And so instead of making some horridly dumb decision to cope with everything that had just gone down, I went straight home. I immediately settled down on the couch beside Eren, much to his surprise; I normally started working on shit right away unless he needed help on an assignment. I rubbed his back and I played with his hair, calming down as Eren’s tensed muscles relaxed underneath my touch. When he asked why I was doing it, I told him that I’d had a stressful day and that the physical contact was just as soothing to me as it was to him. Satisfied with that answer, he leaned into me and rested his head on my chest; my heart that acted so juvenile only around Eren skipped a beat as he did so.

I never did tell Eren what happened exactly, because it really wasn’t worth it. If my past wanted to follow me around, that was fine. But Eren’s stress levels had been increasing due to his schoolwork and the added strain that his classmates put on him, and he would have worried over it needlessly had I told him. 

Speaking of added strain due to people in one’s life, my parents were still unrelenting. The stream of phone calls was never-ending and it was really quite pathetic. Whatever my parent’s true intentions were, I had no interest in finding out. I would have just changed my number, but I knew my efforts would be futile. My parents were impossible people who would be able to track down my number no matter how hard I tried to stop them. I’d gotten into the habit of keeping my phone on silent while Eren and I were at home so that I wouldn’t have to look up and toy with the idea of picking up the phone and arguing with my mother whenever it rang. For the record, I never did pick it up. They had never given me the time of day, even when they’d been notified that their only son had recently tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded. 

I tried not to think about them too much and encouraged Eren to do the same, because he always shot me a look of concern whenever they tried to get ahold of me once more. To be quite honest, I’m waiting for the day they come banging down the door to our apartment and seeing me in the flesh. How horrifying that would be. But for some reason, I doubted they would. Phone calls were characteristic of them; actual visits were not. Fucking thank god. 

My train of thought was broken by the sound of the door opening and somebody walking into the store. I opened my mouth to greet them (as was required of me) until I realized that it was unnecessary. 

“Levi!” Hanji said enthusiastically, striding towards the counter with the usual spring in her step.

“Hey, Hanji. What are you doing here?” I asked; I then added in, “Where’s Mike?” It was extremely rare to see them apart for any length of time, really. 

“I just wanted to drop by and say “hi”, of course! Mike’s sleeping right now; he’s super tired from the week. I’m wide awake, though; I just finished up a project for one of my most important science courses.”

“Well, hi. Glad you stopped in, I guess. It’s boring as hell here.”

“I can see that! So, how are you?” She asked; she leaned in closer to me, scrutinizing me as if I were one of the specimens she would observe under her microscope. As one of my best (only) friends, she was incredibly skilled at finding every single dark circle under my eye or noticing that my eyebrows were slightly more furrowed than normal.

“I’m fine.”

“You look tired.”

“It’s been a long week.”

“You look worried, too.”

“Do I, now.”

“Yes, you do. You’re worrying over Eren again, aren’t you?”

“And if I am?”

“I worry about you sometimes.”

“Don’t.”

“No, hear me out, Levi. I’ve known you for a while and I’ve seen you in plenty of different situations. But I’ve never gotten the chance to see you in love until now. Trust me; I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ve never seen you happier, and it really is great. But…”

“But?” It came out sharper than I intended it to.

“But what I’m wondering is, are you taking care of yourself too, or are you spending all of your energy on Eren?”

“I’m taking care of myself too, Hanji, don’t worry.”

“You seem stressed.”

“Yeah. I’m getting extremely close to finishing my final year of college. Of course I’m stressed.”

“Alright, that’s true. Just don’t overexert yourself, you know? Gotta take care of yourself too.”

“I know, I know. You don’t need to go all maternal on me.”

“Hey, maybe I’m just the mother you never had.”

“And I’m perfectly fine continuing on the path of lacking a maternal figure in my life. Especially one who is my age.”

“Hey, I think I’d make a good mom!” I have to admit, I was grateful the subject had changed. Of course living with Eren put me under a bit more emotional stress; I spent a fair amount of time calming him down and helping him out with his schoolwork while still making sure my own shit got done so that I would have no issues graduating college in a couple months. But I wouldn’t trade that added stress for anything in the world, because it was more than worth it. I had Eren by my side every single night and that was a blessing I never, ever thought I would receive.

“Yeah, to a lab rat, maybe.”

“Harsh as ever, Levi. I don’t know if I’m glad that Eren hasn’t changed that about you or not.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“My point exactly.”

“How’s Mike doing?” I asked in an effort to keep the conversation moving. I had to admit, I was grateful that Hanji decided to randomly stop in. It was perfect timing; I could use a break from my thoughts. 

“He’s great! Actually, there’s another reason I came to see you tonight.”

“Alright, what is it? My shift is almost over, by the way. I’d say we could hangout after since I know you stay up all night, but I’m anxious to get home.” I didn’t need to provide an explanation for my anxiety; she already knew.

“It’s okay! I have enough time to tell you. Alright, so as you know, Mike and I have been together for quite some time…”

“Fucking duh. You guys have been together for as long as I can remember. So?”

“So, well, he took me out to my favorite restaurant last weekend, and…” I hadn’t noticed that she’d been keeping her right hand hidden from sight while we conversed. She lifted it up so that I could get a good look at the shining silver ring adorning her ring finger.

“Were you aware you guys aren’t even out of college yet?”

“Hey, we’re almost done. Mike already has a job for as soon as he graduates, and I have plenty of options. And thanks for the congrats, Levi.” She did seem a bit disappointed at my lack of enthusiasm, and I felt bad. I sighed.

“Sorry. Congrats, though, because you guys go great together. Not to mention you guys act like a middle-aged white family with two kids and a dog named Fluffy already, so hey, it’s not surprising that you guys would tie the knot.”

“You think of weird comparisons.”

“I do not. So when’s the wedding?”

“Ah, probably this winter. Around Christmas, we were thinking.” 

“If you guys make the guests wear Christmas sweaters I’m not fucking going.”

“Hey, Eren would probably still be willing to go.”

“Well then he could go by himself.”

“Relax, we wouldn’t do that.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You’re just holding a grudge over getting your picture taken in that sweater back during Christmas. I still have that, you know.”

“Yeah, fuck off. Back to the point, though. I really am happy for you guys.” I stepped around the counter so that it no longer served as a barrier between Hanji and I. I stepped forward and hugged her, which was most definitely not a common thing for me to do (Eren being the exception, of course). She was overjoyed at the embrace and returned it with fervency. 

“So, when are you and Eren getting married?”

“Ha. He’s eighteen.” Not to mention that we hadn’t even been together that long from most people’s perspective. Getting married quite so soon would only invoke negative attention, even if neither of us really knew that many people. Because we didn’t. I had Mike and Hanji, Eren had his mom and Mikasa. If we ever did get married, I highly doubted Eren would be keen on inviting a bunch of his family. And I’d be damned if I invited my own. Regardless, word would get out somehow; such is the way life works.

Not to mention that if I ever did propose to Eren, there would be no guarantee that his answer would be “yes”. 

But that was all far away, a topic I shouldn’t concern myself much over for a long time to come.

And so I returned my attention to the smiling woman who was hugging me back, smiling radiantly.

“So? Eighteen is technically old enough to get married, you know.”

“We haven’t been together for eighty years already like some people I know.”

“Fair enough, fair enough!I’m still gonna wait on that invitation, though!” She winked at me. 

“You do that.” I said, rolling my eyes.

We continued talking until it was time for me to clock out, and then we parted ways. It was nice seeing Hanji so happy (even though she was always rather bubbly), and it managed to lift my spirits a little bit, at least.

-x-

Four ‘o clock in the morning didn’t roll around nearly fast enough, but it did arrive eventually. I clocked out and yawned as I climbed onto my bike, more than ready to head home and slide into bed beside my undoubtedly sleeping boyfriend. He would likely stir when I got into bed beside him, which would be fine with me; it meant that he would cuddle right up to me and practically demand that I wrap my arms around him. Naturally, I was always more than willing to comply. 

Worry somewhat eased by the passage of time, I did not feel as much trepidation walking up to the apartment as I would have earlier in the evening. Hanji was a large part of that, as well. My worry peaked back up almost immediately, however, when I crossed the threshold into our living space. The kitchen light was still on although Eren was not occupying the area. It wouldn’t have been surprising for him to unknowingly leave the light on, so that wasn’t what got to me. What got to me was the light emanating from the bathroom entrance. The door was open and shining light directly into our bedroom; there was no way Eren was sound asleep on the bed with light shining into the room. He could deal with the TV light, but any other source of light was doubtful.

Eren was likely in the bathroom. 

I glanced around the kitchen; the liquor cabinet was wide open. Several bottles of different types of liquor were scattered throughout the room; several empty glasses were also spread around. A small shot glass was seated on the edge of the counter. Everything I was seeing was raising a red flag in my mind.

_Shit._

I ran into the bathroom as quickly as I could manage; it too my eyes a moment to adjust to the sight they were forced to take in.

Eren was laying on his side on the floor right beside the sink. A dozen jagged lines had been carved into his skin; he was surrounded by his own blood, which was a disturbing contrast to the pure white tile. A bottle of tequila was right beside him, and I wasn’t surprised by that part in the slightest. It explained a lot. A box of razor blades (my own razor blades, no less) also lay beside Eren. The first-aid kit lay a couple feet away, half-emptied and abandoned. Half of its contents were scattered around the bathroom floor, discarded without a second thought. Eren’s sweatshirt was tossed aside by the door, leaving him in a grey t-shirt.

My mind hadn’t yet gotten the chance to process exactly what all of this meant. When it finally caught up, I had to choke back a sob.

“Oh god, Eren.” I whispered. I knelt down in front of him and gingerly took his left arm into my hands so that I could see how deep he’d gone. They were deeper than most of his scars seemed to be, which caused my heart to feel even heavier. Trying not to think too much and let emotion completely take over, I gathered up the first-aid kit supplies and grabbed a sufficient amount of bandages. Eren would be upset when he woke up in the morning no matter what, but waking up with a bandaged arm would be better than waking up looking into a dozen ragged lines. Once I was satisfied with his bandages, I scooped him into my arms and carried him into the bedroom.

I set him down gently on the bed before leaving the room so that I could put all of the booze back in its respective place. Ten minutes later I crawled into bed beside Eren, who was still out cold. I got the feeling he’d passed out as opposed to simply fallen asleep. He wasn’t careless enough to willingly fall asleep passed out on the bathroom floor. 

I was wide awake; I wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon. I sat up in bed and once again gathered Eren into my arms, settling him down on my lap. I rhythmically stroked his matted hair as I tried not to cry. I was failing; the burning acid of tears pricked at the edges of my eyes, begging me to let them spill over and fall freely along my face.

“You’re making me feel emotion again, Eren. It happens way too often with you.” I whispered, unable to stop the advance of my own tears. 

I’d grown so used to living without much emotion, so used to simply going through the motions of life without a second thought. And then Eren had come along and changed that completely. I wasn’t the type of person to cry, I really wasn’t. I’d never had occasion for it. I’d cried when Petra had died, of course; god, that had me fucking sobbing for a long time. But afterwards, I’d just assumed that I’d never cry again. And suddenly there I was, crying over Eren. And not for the first time, either.

I tightened my grip on him, holding him closer to me. 

“It hurts so much to see you like this. It really does.” 

Marriage was the farthest topic from my mind as I held him to me, damn near sick with worry over his wellbeing. My conversation with Hanji seemed far away, a memory that existed in a separate plane of reality from the one I currently inhabited. Lighthearted topics were nonexistent for the time being.

I watched Eren’s chest rise and fall. His face lacked the serenity that it typically possessed while he was asleep; I attributed it to being passed out from intoxication.

“I failed you again, didn’t I? I’m sorry. I should have taken the night off. I fucking should have.” Even so, I couldn’t change what was already done. If I could, I would. But I can’t. Didn’t stop me from feeling like shit about it, though.

“Hey, you don’t mind if I smoke in the bed, right?” Of course he didn’t. He was out like a fucking light. 

I really fucking needed a cigarette. Actually, I would have preferred something much stronger than that. But a cigarette was all I was going to get that night. I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my latest pack off of it; since it was half-empty, I was keeping my lighter in the box as well. I stuck the cigarette in my mouth and lit it; I was grateful for the soothing familiarity of smoke swirling around me in a cloud. I smoked the remainder of the pack before Eren even became close to stirring.

I gave up on the prospect of sleep; I was too busy worrying over Eren and how he would react to the situation when he woke up later that morning. 

Although my tears had long since subsided, they threatened to come back when it hit me how utterly different my view of Eren was compared to his view of himself. It was painful to think that he’d never see what I saw when I looked at him, to never understand that he really was a person worth being alive. To never understand that he was a person worth living for, as well. I looked at him and I saw somebody who’d been to hell and back and still survived, someone who was still willing to fight even when he was convinced that he’d quit fighting long ago. He was convinced that his determination had died, but I could still see it perfectly clear.

No, he would look in the mirror and see his scars, his tired eyes. He’d find every flaw within himself. 

“Oh, Eren.” I said, not for the first time that day. 

I continued stroking his hair; being able to touch him in some way meant that he was still alive. He was still there for me to hold, to create physical contact with. He was struggling but he was alive, and that was what really mattered. Time was immeasurable until my boyfriend finally started entering the realm of consciousness.

Around nine in the morning he stirred for the first time; his eyes opened and darted back and forth wildly and his mouth gaped open immediately. I knew exactly what was coming, and with quick reflexes I grabbed the bucket I’d fetched earlier (for this very purpose) from the side of the bed and held it up to Eren’s face. 

He weakly grabbed at the edges of the bucket and wretched up the liquor he’d spent his night drinking. I didn’t move the bucket right away after he appeared to be done, and I was glad I didn’t. He gagged and threw up again; it was a hideous sound. After the third round of puking, he’d discarded pretty much everything he had available to get rid of. He didn’t look at me once he was done or once I finally set the bucket back down beside the bed (I’d take care of it in a minute). He simply closed his eyes and went back to sleep as if nothing happened. Sweat gleaned on his brow; he was going to have one hell of a hangover to deal with when he did become fully conscious for the day.

Around noon, he woke up; this time, for good.

-x-

[Eren’s POV]

My head was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach. Had I had anything to puke up, I would have. I still spent my first waking moments dry-heaving, though. And once I was finished with that, I became aware of the pain in my arm. There was a lot of it, and I winced as I moved my arm into sight; I couldn’t see the cuts that I only half-remembered tearing into my body the previous night. Or earlier that morning. I still wasn’t sure of the time-frame. 

Levi was there. I knew he was there, but I was reluctant to acknowledge his existence. I’d fucked everything up again. Again. His arms were around me in that familiar protective hold. He had me in a half-sitting position on his lap; I turned my head slightly so that I could get a look at his face. Each movement brought a fresh bout of pain to my aching head. Although I could remember most of the night’s events, everything was still confusing and I was having trouble putting all the pieces together. All I knew was that I’d failed myself and Levi last night in my desperation to will away the thoughts.

He looked tired. Really fucking tired. Like he hadn’t sleep in far too long; he probably hadn’t. I had the feeling he hadn’t fallen asleep for a second after work. He was staring at me and I was staring at him. I couldn’t bear the eye contact. 

I made a shitty attempt at sitting up on my own and leaving the protection of Levi’s steady arms; like with most things, I failed. Closing my eyes, I leaned farther back into Levi, praying I wouldn’t dry heave. 

I certainly wasn’t about to be the first to speak. 

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

“Are you alright?” I asked. Eren was in no rush to begin the unavoidable conversation that happens after waking up to such a scenario. 

“No.” He answered immediately. His voice was quiet, resigned. Miserable. It didn’t help that he was obviously feeling like utter shit physically on top of it all. 

A moment of silence; I was searching for the right words to say, the words that would hopefully help the situation if only a little. I wasn’t left to begin the conversation; to my surprise, Eren spoke next.

“I fucked up again.” It wasn’t the desperate, angry scream of agony that was typical of his emotional outburst. It was quiet but firm; he wasn’t about to start sobbing. It was a resigned statement that emanated the pure essence of someone who was just very, very tired. Sick of his own bullshit, sick of his own life. Too sick of it to lash out properly, too sick of it to shed his weight’s worth in tears. Just really fucking sick of it.

I knew the feeling. Oh, god, did I know the feeling.

“You did, but that’s alright.” I replied, barely above a whisper. I noticed that I’d never taken off my jacket and I was too warm. I made no effort to break physical contact and take it off. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him and say that he hadn’t fucked up, because he had. 

“It’s not, though.” 

“It is. We all fuck up. We’re humans. It’s what we do. We make shitty decisions and have to live with them. It sucks.”

Eren was silent but he nodded slightly. Just barely noticeable but it was there nonetheless.

We were silent for a while after that. We could talk about what had transpired the previous night later in the day, when Eren was feeling a little better. After some time, though, I decided it was best for us to get away from the bed and try to get some food into Eren’s system. 

“Hey, do you want to head into the living room? I’ll make you food.”

“I don’t want to eat. I want to lay here for the rest of the day and sleep.”

“That’s not going to help you and you know it.”

“Fuck off. I don’t have to move from this bed for the rest of the weekend. Monday’s not looking much different either.” It reminded me of the way he’d laid in bed for days on end back in January. That had proven to be a dire situation and I was in no rush to repeat it.

“Come on. Don’t you want to feel like a member of the living again?”

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Eren.” 

“I don’t want to move.”

“I know you don’t. But just trust me. Let me take care of you, alright?”

He sighed. He was weighing his options; luckily, he did decide to trust me.

“Help me up.” He muttered, slowly peeling himself away from me.

“Of course.” I said, helping him stand up on his unsteady feet. He wavered slightly and I was ready to catch him if need be. 

“I feel like shit.” He groaned, taking a small step towards the door. Step, step, step. I decided he was steady enough to not worry about him falling, so I stripped myself of my jacket and walked into the kitchen to make Eren something small to eat. When I heard him settle down on the couch, I took him a tall glass of water. He needed to restore some of his hydration. 

“Thanks.” He said, taking the glass from my hands. He drank slowly at first but his pace increased once he realized how thirsty he really was. I made him a couple pieces of toast, which he ate slowly. I was surprised that he ate it all, to be quite honest.

I took his plate and set it in the kitchen and refilled his water glass before sitting down beside him on the couch. I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV to give Eren something to focus on if he didn’t feel like talking.

“I hate myself.” He said eventually. That was the way we began our discussion of last night; he told me what happened and I could tell he was piecing it together with difficulty.

“I tried, you know. I tried to fall asleep and hope everything seemed a bit better in the morning. I fucking tried.”

“And I’m happy you did.”

“Thanks.” 

He tried to apologize to me for breaking down and hurting himself. He tried to apologize for letting me see him passed out unceremoniously on the bathroom floor. That was the point that his composure began to break and that I really needed to comfort him. But comfort him I did and I ended up singing to him gently, rocking him back and forth until his tears were dried.

“I’m sick of crying.” He said with a yawn. 

“I don’t blame you. I am too.”

He gave me a quizzical glance; he hadn’t seen me cry lately.

I shrugged. “No one likes crying.”

“Yeah.”

We watched TV in mutual silence, emotionally spent. 

-x-

On Sunday, I spent the day drinking while Eren did not. I didn’t blame him. He cast me a sideways glance every now and then as I lifted my glass to my lips, but he said nothing about it. He opted to have me re-bandage his arm for him so that he didn’t have to look at his cuts quite yet. He refused to look at me as I did so. The day was both slow and quick in passing, but eventually it was two in the morning and we found ourselves going to bed. I could tell Eren was dreading waking up in the morning and going to school, so I made sure to hold him even closer than I normally did at night so that he would be reminded that even though the world was fucking cruel, he had somebody who loved him more than anything else in the world. As his breathing steadied into a slow rhythm, his nightmarish weekend came to an end.

Oh, and for the record, he remembered on Sunday morning that I'd promised to wear one of my cat sweaters to cheer him up. It actually worked and that was the first time he smiled that weekend. So at least there'd been some small bit of happiness to his weekend, even if it was just me in an oversized pastel cat sweater.

His first true relapse had come and gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timeline is probably going to widen out quite a bit now, moving a month or two between happenings, most likely. Just thought it was something to mention~


	22. March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the best of couples go up against each other at some point; it's inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello~! This is another chapter that I've had planned out in my mind for quite some time now, so i'm happy I could finally get it into writing. 
> 
> Also, it's a terrible idea to decide to have an entire month of time compressed into a single chapter because lord knows if I would have put as much as I would have liked for that amount of time, the chapter would be hella long. It's hella long as it is. But I digress.
> 
> I don't have any song suggestions for this chapter, ah. If I think of some, I'll make sure and add them up. Yee.

In March, we experienced our first fight.

I was not aware of how high the tension in our apartment had risen until it all came crashing down in one frenzied moment. It caught me by surprise when I found myself screaming at Levi (who, in a state of lost composure, was screaming right back at me), although looking back, I shouldn’t have been surprised that something had to give. And in all reality, it’s impossible for two people to live together and never get in a single fight. But there was something ridiculously unnerving about the hearing person who’s become your safe and protective crutch screaming at you with anguished eyes. And there’s something cruel about being unable to keep yourself from lashing out against the last person that deserved to hear such harsh words directed at him. Nevertheless, there we were. All of the stress and built-up tension that had transpired within the span of a month was hovering in the air around us, fueling our pent-up frustration and rage. 

The month itself started out fine. Or at least, as fine as it could for somebody like me. With March arrived the beginnings of spring. It never snowed all that much in our state, so by March 1st there was no longer a single drop of snow lingering on the cold ground. The temperature was rising at a steady tempo; I welcomed the gentle warmth of the spring sun, if only because I froze my fucking ass off walking all the way to the very end of the student parking lot every single day after school. 

Although I didn’t have to worry much about that recently, anyways. After I came home bloodied and bruised from my parking lot fight at the end of February, Levi wasn’t about to let me face the parking lot by myself again anytime soon. Thanks to his class schedule, he had breaks on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays that took place between two-thirty to three-thirty; the perfect window of time to pick me up after school at three ‘o clock. I told him that it wasn’t necessary, that I could manage driving myself home from school just fine. My argument didn’t last long against him (it was also difficult to keep saying no when I knew it was his method of protecting me) and by the end of that night I’d agreed to let him bring me home on those days. 

We decided that it’d be best for him to pick me up near one of the side entrances so that less attention was drawn to us, giving me a better chance of making it out without being confronted. And for a couple weeks it did work; my typical pursuers were brutal, not intelligent. I slipped past them in the hallways and exited the building through the doors of the art wing; Levi always had his motorcycle mounted on the side of the road and ready to go as soon as I had my helmet on. He would drop me off at home and head back out right away to attend the rest of his classes (always with the promise that he’d keep his phone on in case I needed anything). Like I said, it went smoothly for a couple of weeks. 

Of course, Levi wasn’t able to pick me up on Tuesdays and Thursdays, because he had classes during those times. Unsurprisingly, I still wasn’t the one to take myself home. Hanji happened to be free during the time that I got off of school, so Levi had her pick me up in the same spot that he picked me up at. She owned a white car that was fairly new and much nicer than my own. She was more than happy to help out, although she did ask if I’d be willing to be the test subject of various experiments for her science courses as a form of payment for her services. I never did figure out if she was joking about that or not; I got the feeling she wasn’t. 

The beginning of March also brought clarification about Mikasa’s love life; it also marked the beginning of the month’s downfalls. She called me one Wednesday afternoon, and it all went from there.

-x-

My phone rang, filling the empty room with noise. Levi had left to get back to school about twenty minutes ago, and I had an open science textbook resting on my lap along with a work packet; my teacher had missed the memo that stated the second half of senior year was supposed to be easier, not harder than the first half. Although my school day had not been great (it never was), the student body had temporarily shifted its attention away from me. The beasts were taking a temporary break from hunting, I guess you could say. In any case, I was in a slightly better mood than I typically was right out of school.

With my lighter heart, however, came a pang of longing that tasted bittersweet on my breath; I was missing Armin even more than usual. Although it wasn’t a weekend morning, I decided to pay a visit to him. My heart ached in my chest when I thought about how happy the random visit would probably make him, how wide he was probably smiling up in heaven (because hell, even if heaven doesn’t exist, he’s probably still there anyways). I was just about to get up from the couch and head out when my phone interrupted my thoughts. A quick glance at the caller I.D. announced that it was Mikasa, so I answered without hesitation.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Eren. How are you?”

“I’m fine. What about you?”

“That’s good. And I’m decent enough. I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today? It’s been awhile since we last hung out other than at the lunch table.” She was right; it’d been a couple weeks. 

“I was just about to head out, actually.”

“Oh, you already have plans today? Ah, that’s too bad.” She was going to continue, but I spoke before she could.

“It’s not that. It’s…I was just...I was just about to visit Armin.” 

I wasn’t sure why I found it so difficult to say, but the words only left my mouth by force. Perhaps it was another one of those moments that became painful simply because it put reality into perspective.

“Oh. Well, would it be alright if I asked to tag along? I understand if you wouldn’t want me too, though. I know it’s probably a really personal thing.” 

I was surprised at Mikasa’s offer, but I definitely wasn’t about to say no. She was right, it was extremely personal; even so, it felt right to let her visit him with me. I decided that Armin would probably be overjoyed at the two of us visiting side by side; the three of us would be reunited for the first time in almost two years.

“I think that’s a great idea.” I replied sincerely. 

We decided to meet up at the apartment since she’d never seen it before; I gave her directions and she said she would be there soon. About fifteen minutes later there was a firm knock on the front door. I opened the door and beckoned Mikasa inside. She had her typical scarf wrapped tightly around her neck and a black sweater with jeans for clothing. 

“Hey.” She said as she stepped through the doorway.

“Hey. Welcome to our apartment. There’s not a whole hell of a lot to see.” Mikasa smiled and moved her eyes back and forth, taking in the (likely boring) sight. 

“It’s really…clean.” She said after a moment.

“What the hell were you expecting?”

“For your apartment to actually look like two men live in it.”

“I live with Levi. He’s a fucking clean freak.” I wasn’t lying; even on weekends that he got wasted beyond belief, it still seemed that as soon as I woke up the next day the place was already spotless once again. Between his schoolwork and me, I honestly wasn’t sure where he was getting the time to keep the place tidy. 

“Your boyfriend seems really fucking weird.” She said, tone laced with playfulness. I could tell Mikasa was doing pretty well those days, and it made me happy that she was back on her feet. 

“He’s not.” I answered on instinct. I immediately thought of his collection of pastel goth attire and mass amount of cat sweaters. Ah, well, he wasn’t weird to me; to everyone else was likely a different story. 

Our lighthearted conversation continued for several more minutes before we decided to leave for the cemetery. We both climbed into Mikasa’s car and I asked her to stop by the flower shop first, explaining that I never visited him without a bouquet of flowers in hand. She helped me pick out his flowers and soon I found myself walking along the familiar route to Armin’s final resting place. I found my way effortlessly with Mikasa following close behind me. 

“Hello, Armin.” I said quietly upon arrival as I knelt down and gently placed the bouquet on his grave. The fresh spring breeze rustled the leaves on the trees surrounding the cemetery and the sun bathed us in comfortable afternoon warmth. I didn’t get up even after the flowers were settled in place; I was used to sitting there for hours on end, because normally it was just Armin and I. Mikasa knelt down beside me; I’d already forgotten she was there.

“I feel guilty.” Mikasa whispered as she situated herself beside me.

“Why?” I inquired, tearing my gaze away from the numbers announcing how short Armin’s life had been that were engraved into Armin’s gravestone. Those numbers haunted me and half the time I saw them whenever I closed my tired eyes. 

“Because I’ve never visited Armin before. I’ve never taken the time to drive out here and tell him how much I miss him, to sit down and talk to him. I’ve thought about it so many times, but I could never bring myself to do it. It hurt too much. Do you even realize how strong it makes you, the fact that you visit him often?”

I disputed immediately; both Mikasa and Levi commonly asserted that I was strong, but I never considered that I actually was. I was weak. I was fragile. I was anything but a token of strength. 

“I’m not strong. But you don’t need to feel guilty. Besides, you’re here now. And I’d bet any amount of money that Armin’s overjoyed over it.” 

That brought a small smile to Mikasa’s face. We reached an unspoken agreement that there was little use in continuing arguing the strength of one another, so the conversation shifted to revolve around the sweet blonde boy that we missed so dearly. 

We focused on the fond memories that hadn’t been brought up in almost two years. We reminisced our carefree days as children; long summers spent swimming and eating ice cream together, waiting for night to fall so that we could stargaze. We reminisced embarrassing middle school adolescence; the pictures Mikasa took of Armin and I in our braces (we always got the same colors). And finally we reminisced our teenage years together; evenings spent at whatever restaurant struck our fancy, Armin and I holding hands underneath the table while Mikasa pretended like she didn’t notice (not that it mattered when she did). We spoke these memories out loud, bantering back and forth as the afternoon progressed. 

Eventually, our sharing of long since untouched memories came to a halt, as all good things do. I focused on Mikasa’s face to notice that glistening droplets had gathered themselves around the base of her eyes, just beginning to spill over and announce her no longer invisible sorrow. 

“Hey, you’re crying.” I said, wiping a tear away from her face. 

She gave me a small, wistful smile. “You are, too.” 

I lifted a finger to myself and tentatively touched the skin around my eye, realizing that she was correct. I hadn’t even noticed the tears’ arrival.

Thanks to sibling telepathy we leaned in for a hug at the same time. Our arms wrapped around each other naturally and we held each other together so that we wouldn’t break entirely.

“I miss him.” Mikasa said, resting her head on my shoulder.  
“Me too.” I said, doing my best not to break down and sob like the little child I really was.

We stayed there like that for quite some time. The cemetery was silent, allowing us the time to grieve together that we’d never really taken, even at Armin’s funeral itself. It’s difficult to describe what the moment was to me; it was both an escape from reality and a bitter realization of reality. Nonetheless, it was important.

When we finally broke away from our embrace, Mikasa grabbed her phone from her pocket and checked the time.

“Six ‘o clock already. Well, do you want to grab something to eat before going home?”

“Sure.” I said; I wasn’t all that hungry but I didn’t mind the idea of spending more time with my sister. Levi was home by now but he was swamped with school work as it was, and we had to head to work around ten. So it was best that I let him get a bit of time to himself to get shit done, anyways. 

Once we were settled in a booth at Perkins, we once again engaged in a constant stream of conversation. We swapped the topic of Armin for other matters; we left our reminiscence at the grave with him. As harsh as it sounds, it was for the best. 

“So. I’ve been meaning to ask you a question.” I said, for lack of a better prelude. 

“Yeah?” 

“You and Annie. Are you guys together?”

Mikasa looked at me incredulously.

“Eren. You didn’t know?”

“Well. I, uh, guessed you guys were but…”

She didn’t laugh. But I could tell she was definitely holding herself back.

“Eren, you’re as dense as you were as a kid.”

“Shut up, Mikasa.”

“Okay, but really. Annie and I have been together since before Christmas. I just always assumed you knew, just like I knew you were with the short asshole before anybody bothered to tell me about it.” 

“So I’m assuming you still plan on moving in with her?” I asked, moving forward with the conversation.

“Yeah. I’ll probably move in by the end of the month, actually. Oh, but speaking of things that needed to be mentioned, I wanted to ask you something today.” 

My heart sank. From the way her tone changed and the way her voice dropped, I knew what was coming. I fucking knew it, and it was a question I didn’t feel like answering now that I was in a better mood. Not that I’d want to answer it anyways. From her concerned expression I could tell that she’d been waiting to ask her goddamn question since we’d laid eyes on each other in the apartment. My shoulders tensed as she opened her mouth.

“I just want to know, I won’t be mad if you say yes, because you’re my brother and I really care about you, but I just need to know. Do you still…”

“No.” I answered before she even asked.

Her face fell. We both knew how little truth my simple “no” held.

“Eren, you can tell me the truth. I’m your sister.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not fucking lying. I’m not talking about this shit tonight.”

“Eren…”

“No. Just. Stop.”

It was one thing to talk about my addiction to self-destruction with Levi; he was the one person I was willing to be open with about it. He understood what ran through my mind in agonizing frenzy. He knew what it was like to have his mind filled with the burning need to tear a sharp edge across his skin. Mikasa, although sympathetic and caring whenever it came to me, would never be able to comprehend what it was like. Which was a really fucking good thing, just not for the situation at hand. I was far from ready to openly talk about the countless sins hidden beneath my sleeves. 

Mikasa gazed at me with anguish-filled eyes and it fucking hurt. She may as well have stabbed me in the chest with a knife, because it would have provided the same effect. I was hurting her by denying the topic; I may as well have shouted that I still cut at her. She knew and I knew.

“Alright. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m just…concerned for you, Eren.”

“Dad’s gone. Everything’s fine now. I live with Levi. I’m happier.” I meant the words, but the emphasis necessary simply wasn’t there. They sounded empty and meaningless spilling hastily from my tongue.

And so unsurprisingly, she wasn’t convinced. 

“Eren…” She whispered once again.

“We’re done. I told you; I’m not talking about this shit today. I can’t take it. I think about it enough as it is.” I spat, scrambling up from my seat so that I could leave, disregarding the fact that Mikasa was the one who drove us there. Our meal hadn’t even arrived yet but I was more than ready to get the fuck out of there.

“Eren, sit back down.” Mikasa said in one of her motherly tones that I hadn’t heard in a long time. Reconsidering the effectiveness of stern authority, she dropped her voice and took on a far more gentle tone. 

“We don’t have to talk about it. Forget I brought it up. Don’t let this ruin our day together, alright?”

I sat back down, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself and bring my crumbling composure back together. Losing it in the middle of Perkins was not my intention for our time together, anyways.

I couldn’t bring myself to meet Mikasa’s concerned gaze. I avoided eye contact at all costs and the rest of our dinner was incredibly awkward. The cheery waitress brought our food and we ate in near silence, neither of us sure what to say. We restarted our conversation with safe, trivial subjects but it was still strained interaction.

I was grateful when Mikasa’s plate was cleared (I ate some of my food but not even half of it was gone by the time I declared myself full) and the bill was in our possession. We argued over who would pay but Mikasa somehow won. It felt shitty to admit, but I was relieved to find myself climbing out of Mikasa’s car and exchanging parting words. I was ready to leave our awkward conversation behind; I’d already forgotten the sense of relief that came from our mutual visit of Armin’s grave. 

I wasn’t in the greatest of moods when I stepped through the threshold into the apartment. My mood did not increase at the sight of several various bottles of liquor strewn carelessly on the kitchen counter or at the sight of Levi mixing what definitely wasn’t the first drink of the night. 

“We have to work tonight, you know.” I snapped; it came out much harsher than intended. 

“Of course I know that, sweetie.” Levi replied, turning to face me. 

There was no doubt in my mind that he was drunk off his ass and I’ll admit, I wasn’t the happiest about it. I passed my irritation off as a repercussion of my shitty mood and didn’t linger on the thought much. 

“Then why the fuck are you still drinking? It’s almost eight ‘o clock by now.”

“Hey, that gives us like two hours before work. That’s plenty of time to sober up, y’know?” 

“You’re being an idiot. Jesus, you’re drunk. There’s no way you’ll be sober for work.”

“Ah, well.” Levi shrugged, making his way to the living room. 

I sighed, realizing with a feeling of resignation that I would definitely be the one driving to work that night. I didn’t question why he thought it was alright to drink heavily before work; I made way too many stupid decisions to be able to scold Levi for making a single one. It was only one time, after all. Not even an issue. I pushed my agitation over the whole situation to the back of my mind and got ready for a long night of work as usual.

Two hours later and still in a terribly shitty mood, I hauled an embarrassingly drunk Levi off to work.

-x-

That day pretty much marked the downward slope of the month. Two days later, on Friday afternoon, the student body finally caught on that I no longer made an appearance in the student parking lot after school. The beasts found their hiding prey as I quickly made my way towards the art wing, only a few hundred steps away from freedom for the afternoon. 

I heard them approach me. One of them shouted my name and I instinctually broke into a run, desperate to flee without being reminded of what it felt like to be slammed to the floor. As always, I wasn’t quick enough. The leader of the group of guys far bigger than me yanked me by the hood of my sweatshirt and propelled me backwards, slamming me into him. He spun around and grinned his cruel grin and the onlookers pointed and laughed in amusement at the horridly unfair fight. I snarled and swung my fist upward; I hit his face dead-on and stunned him enough for him to loosen his grip. The other guys all made hurried grabs at me but I somehow escaped their grasp long enough to launch myself desperately at the double doors at the end of the hall. 

The bright rays of the sun assaulted my eyes as I stumbled out the door, tailed by the wild dogs that were entirely too persistent. 

“Hey, faggot! Didn’t think you could get away from us quite so easily, did you?” The leader once again had a strong arm wrapped around me, preventing me from escape. I thrashed about, trying to make him loosen his grip.

“Stop moving, fucking prick.” He growled; I didn’t stop moving.

Frustrated with my struggle to fight back, he roughly shoved me to the ground. He kicked at my side and I yelped at the crushing pain that tore through me. I kicked at his legs and he snarled, kneeling down so that he could punch at me himself. Just like last time, we became a tangle of limbs on the grass. This time, however, the brawl did not last long before it was intervened (which was likely for the best, considering the rest of the guys were all about to involve themselves as well). 

Levi had of course been waiting for me by the side of the road; as soon as he’d seen all of us tumble out the doors, he tore off his helmet and leapt off his bike. He ran towards us as the leader of the group and I viciously tore at each other. Suddenly the guy’s weight was lifted off me, and I knew my guardian angel had once again arrived to protect me.

The guy was stunned but he instantaneously recovered his senses. 

“Hey, you’re that faggot who’s fucking this faggot!” 

That was all he had the chance to say; fury consumed Levi’s facial expression and he forcefully swung at the guy’s face, landing a blow far more powerful than any I could have ever dealt. The rest of them starting shouting frantically, claiming they would beat the shit out of Levi for assaulting their precious fucking leader. Said leader tried to break away from Levi and land a few punches on him (he didn’t manage much, but he did manage to punch Levi directly in the face twice); Levi effortlessly drove his leg forward and kicked him, sending him sprawling to the ground (similarly to what the student had done to me just a moment before). 

“You’re not fucking getting away with this!” Shouted one of the others.

“We’ll fucking kill you, asshole!” Claimed another one.

Levi turned to them and with a tone dripping with cold hatred growled, “I’d like to see any of you fucking try.” 

Nobody approached him immediately. 

He quickly made his way to where I was still sprawled out on the ground, consumed with pain and unsure of my ability to stand. He helped me up and gently whispered, “On the bike. Now.” He made sure I was able to walk without his support before letting go of me. He would have supported me the whole way if not for the beasts still chomping at the bit to taste blood. 

Confidence regained, several of the students rushed towards Levi. It was four against one but Levi was still the winner. Victory did not come without a price, though, and by the time he managed to climb onto the bike and pull his helmet on, he was pretty bruised and battered. I felt horrible that he’d gotten hurt for my sake and wished that I could just disappear as I wrapped my arms around his waist and let him drive us home. 

When we were finally home, he bandaged me up immediately, ignoring his own wounds in the process. I tried to help him bandage himself up in return, but instead he sent me off to make him a drink as he skillfully dressed his own wounds.

He doted over me as usual and this time he didn’t have to calm me down; I was calm. Too calm, actually. The numb kind of calm. I was resigned. Beaten. Levi had protected me, but for what? What was gained by him getting involved? Nothing. In the end, we were still beaten bloody.

And Levi himself seemed distracted. I had the feeling he was being reminded of his past, because it just seemed…fitting. The skill and precision he’d shown in his fight against my classmates further convinced me that Levi was entirely too used to physical brawls.

Neither of us said much. I tried to apologize to him for being the reason he was hurt and he tried to apologize to me for not making it to me before I could be beat up by my classmates and that’s where the conversation stopped. We both had off that night, and we spent the night huddled together on the couch, sharing a thick blanket even though it wasn’t all that cold. We stared at the flickering light of the television in silence, not realizing how much the lack of communication would hurt us in a couple weeks’ time. We were together; our bodies touching made that much obvious. We were with each other but we were distant, both retreated deep into our own shitty worlds. 

Simply put, we were tired. Even the strongest become emotionally exhausted, and that seemed to be the case with Levi. I had no clue how to act on that; I was too distracted by my own exhaustion to truly notice that I wasn’t the only one breaking down further with each day.

Levi drank himself sick by the end of the night and while he was passed out on the couch, I sought relief in one of his own razor blades, because he’d forgotten to throw them out the last time I’d used them. 

-x-

It’s difficult to summon the will to fight addiction when there’s no significant progress to build off of. Progress was so easy to destroy but so unbearably difficult to create. Why would I fight my demons when they’d already won the day before?

Following the afterschool fight that Levi intervened in, I began to fall back into my old habits. It was soon rare to go more than a day without a cut, a scratch, a burn. Things weren’t nearly as bad for me as they used to be, but I couldn’t let go of my addiction. I no longer had a month’s worth of progress to make me hesitate while raising a blade over my flesh.

Levi found out, of course; I didn’t make it very far. Or at least, he knew in theory. I couldn’t exactly be sure. However his judgment lately seemed to be…faltering, to say the least. He realized when I was struggling, but he realized too late. 

One night, for example, I felt particularly shitty. Levi was home and I typically tried to hold myself back whenever he was around. But I was quickly learning that a Levi who was drunk and only referring to me as “sweetie” or “honey” was a lot easier to get around than (what was supposed to be typical) sober, high-alert Levi. I didn’t tell him I was struggling and he didn’t catch on. He was working on a research paper, anyways. He was distracted and I needed to provide myself a distraction of my own.

We were sitting together but once again we felt distanced, as if we were in separate rooms, not the same damn couch. He did notice, however, when I began to get off the couch. He gave me a quizzical but slightly blank look as I stood up. 

“Bathroom.” I said in response to his curiosity and he nodded. As an afterthought, I muttered, “And I just might be in there for a goddamn while.” I said it quietly but I highly doubted that Levi couldn’t hear me. Like I said, I felt like complete and utter shit. Which meant that I didn’t give much of a fuck if he did hear me.

And he did. His brain finally registered what I’d said and as I was making my final steps towards the bathroom, he called after me.

“Wait, Eren!” 

I locked the door. Dug the first-aid kit out from underneath the sink. Grabbed a blade and dragged it across my skin, stared at the thin line as the droplets of blood appeared, and moved on to another patch of hideously scarred skin. Much to my dismay, the household set of razor blades was really starting to dull. I couldn’t get the depth that I wanted out of my shaky-handed cuts, and to be quite honest, I became more and more anxious about it with each usage. I could easily buy more as long as Levi was at work but I almost couldn’t bring myself to do that. After everything I’d worked for, that was a step too far in the wrong direction and I recognized that. I was backtracking enough as it was.

A coherent thought process and self-mutilation blending together did me no favors. I wasn’t mindlessly hacking at my skin for once and it made each cut that much more real, that much more awful while Levi often sat blissfully unaware in the living room, working on his homework and drinking whichever liquor he hadn’t consumed entirely yet. 

Until the night at hand, of course.

A knock on the bathroom door. And then another. 

My arm was already bleeding in three places. 

“Eren!”

“Go away.”

“Eren, are you okay? Seriously, open the door.”

“Of course I’m okay. Go away.”

“Not until you fucking promise me that you’re okay.”

“I’m okay. Jesus christ, Levi, I’ll be out in a minute. Now go.” 

“…Fine. But if you’re not back out in a minute, I’m coming right back.”

“Fine.”

Had he really been quite so easy to fool? Apparently so.

And for the record, a minute passed but there was never another knock on the door.

It was roughly a half hour later when I made my reappearance in the living room. My stomach flipped at the thought of having to face Levi, knowing that he’d caught on to what exactly it was I did in the bathroom at night these days. He would coax me into talking about it when that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I cautiously stepped into the living room, bracing myself for whatever Levi had to offer.

Levi was asleep. 

-x-

Levi had work to do. A lot of it. I also had a lot of work to do. And whenever we didn’t have to work the nightshift at 7-Eleven, that was how we spent our time. Somewhere along the line, a rift in communication manifested itself between us. Sleep was sacrificed and so was time spent in each other’s arms. A hello in the afternoon and perhaps a goodnight became the bulk of our communication. We were in control of our own meals; we didn’t eat together. Luckily, I hadn’t slipped so far down as to begin skipping most meals again; I was having a hard time of life but not quite as hard as before. 

On the last Friday of the month, we both decided that since we didn’t have to work at all on Saturday we would forget about schoolwork and any other obligation and spend the entire day together, since it’d been too long since we’d gotten to take part in a day like that. I was looking forward to it and I could tell that Levi was as well.

What I hadn’t expected, however, was what took place right after I woke up on Saturday morning.

I woke up just before ten ‘o clock. I yawned and stretched as I sat up, looking at the small ray of sunshine that was peaking around the closed blinds on our bedroom window. As I tried to wake up and bring myself to full alertness, Levi strode into the room. He was already dressed; black jeans and leather jacket as usual. I could tell he’d been up for quite some time already. 

Normally, his arrival would have brought a smile to my lips. Especially since we had the whole day to spend in each other’s company; my favorite way to spend a day. And I did smile, but it felt forced. And that normally didn’t happen. 

“Good morning.” 

“Morning.” I replied.

“So, I was thinking that it’d be a nice idea to go out for breakfast, because we don’t do that often. Honestly, I could really go for a stack of pancakes. And not ones made by me, because my pancakes are shit.” 

I yawned again. My mind went on autopilot and my response came without much thought (or any thought at all, for that matter).

“Eh, I don’t know. I don’t really feel like driving us around this morning.”

Levi cast me a look of confusion. 

“I’ll drive. I drive us around most of the time, you know. You don’t have to drive.”

Again, words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“Like hell I’m letting you drive, you’ve been drinking.”

His eyebrows furrowed in further confusion at my responses. 

“Eren, it’s ten ‘o clock in the morning.”

My reply was instantaneous. 

“Exactly.”

His eyes widened and his lips parted slightly in shock as he realized what I’d just implied without even thinking.

“That…is that what you really think these days? That all I do is drink?”

…Did I really think that? 

My mouth answered for me. 

“Well, considering I haven’t fucking seen you sober for more than two minutes at a time lately, yeah! Yeah, I really fucking think that!”

Levi looked like I’d just slapped him. And in a way, I did.

I wanted to apologize. That couldn’t have been what I really thought; I wouldn’t think something so harsh about the boyfriend I loved so much. But I couldn’t; the fire had just been lit. And it was left with no choice but to burn until the very last sliver of wood was reduced to nothing but a speck of ash.

I’d needed an outlet for my pent up aggression, my pent up emotion that had been building up for the past month. I’d thought that hurting myself had taken it away, but I was wrong.

And Levi was the one there to attack, the one who would receive every hurtful word that would spill out of my wicked mouth in the next several minutes that would feel like an eternity. 

So I fucking said it all.

“Eren…”

“Come to think of it, are you ever really sober anymore? Or are you just drowning yourself in liquor just like a fucking alcoholic?”

“Eren.” His voice was stern and he was tense. I didn’t stop.

“You know who else was a fucking alcoholic that couldn’t handle sobriety? My dad, that’s who! My fucking dad!” 

He flinched. 

“Besides, aren’t you supposed to be stronger than that? Stronger than a lowly piece of fucking shit like me or my dad? You should be fucking better than us! Isn’t shit supposed to be easy for you?”

Levi was silent, staring at me with a mixture of incredulity and anguish.

“Answer me! Fucking say something! Or can’t you even talk without having five fucking shots of liquor first? Is that how you are now? A senseless fucking alcoholic? Answer me, Levi!” I shouted wildly.

I’d crossed the line. Levi’s composure was abandoned right along with mine.

“Yeah, well, can you really fucking be surprised that I want to drink myself into oblivion once in a while? I’m trying as hard as I fucking can, you know!” He shouted.

“Alcohol, though! After all I’ve been through with my fucking dad, and you can still fucking do this shit to yourself!”

“Eren, you need to calm down, right now! We’ll fucking talk this through or something!” 

“Like hell I’m going to calm down! Seriously, Levi, what happened to being my pillar of fucking strength? What the fuck happened to that idea?”

“You’re not going to calm down, are you!” He sounded exasperated. I didn’t blame him. I was being a complete and utter asshole, but I just couldn’t stop myself.

“No, I’m not! I wanna fucking know what the hell happened! Let’s fucking fight it out, I don’t even care anymore! I don’t give a shit!” 

Levi’s voice dropped for a moment. “If that’s what you really want, we’ll go there.” And suddenly he was shouting again. “You wanna know what fucking happened? I’ll fucking tell you! It’s not easy, Eren. It’s not fucking easy watching you suffer all the time! And it’s sure as shit not easy coming home to find you passed out and bleeding on the bathroom floor, and for multiple fucking reasons. One, because I fucking failed you and went to work when I should have just stayed the fuck home and protected you. I couldn’t fucking protect you when I needed to. And two, seeing the cuts, the razor blades, it’s bringing back the cravings, alright? I was always somewhat fine without hurting myself, it was the drug addiction that was damn near impossible for me to deal with. But now every time I think about you still hurting yourself it makes me want to tear into my flesh, alright? I know that’s fucking horrible, but I can’t help it! I can’t fucking help it! I’m not as fucking strong as you think I am, I can’t be strong all the goddamn fucking time!”

“Oh, I get it! So I’m fucking hurting you again! That’s what’s happening, isn’t it? What the fuck happened to promising that you’d get the fuck away from me if I hurt you? You broke that goddamn promise over and over and look what it’s done to you! This is the exact fucking reason I tried to keep myself from falling for you in the first place! So keep your fucking promise, then! Fucking leave because I keep fucking hurting you!”

“Oh, yeah, like I’d really fucking leave you after all we’ve fucking been through just because of this, yeah, that’s fucking right, dammit Eren!”

“Well try harder to fix me then! Or if you really need to calm down so bad all the time, which you obviously do, go out and buy some fucking cocaine or something! Just get the fuck away from me and go get high because that’s probably what you really want! Forget about cutting, go fuck yourself up, Levi!”

“Is that what you really think of me?” It was barely more than a whisper.

“Yeah, it fucking is!” I screamed. 

And that was it. I’d let it all out. 

I felt sick to my stomach. 

“I’m…going to go take a shower.” Levi muttered, refusing to meet my eyes before striding hurriedly out of our bedroom and into the temporary sanctuary the bathroom would provide him.

-x-

[Levi’s POV]

I was numb as I shrugged the jacket off my back, numb as I let my jeans fall to my ankles. Numb as I turned on the water and numb as I stepped into the shower stall. Taking a shower as a way to deal with high levels of stress was a habit I’d picked up from Eren; I don’t know that he even realizes he does it. My typical response to stress, of course, would ideally be a strongly mixed cocktail. But that wasn’t exactly the best option given the current situation.

Thinking about my longing for a drink caused me to choke back a sob; what had just transpired in the bedroom between Eren and I had been one of the most painful moments of my life. My mind was swimming, replaying the scene over and over again until I felt like I was going insane. Even then I couldn’t escape the sight of Eren desperately screaming at me, comparing me to the person I’d once tried so hard to protect him against. 

And how could I have been so fucking stupid in the first place? Of course, I’d thought about the correlation between drinking and Grisha in terms of Eren on numerous occasions; I’d hesitated to allow myself to drink heavily around him in the first place. But he’d always seemed so amused by my states of intoxication, even when it meant I couldn’t stand long enough to make it to the bedroom. I became comfortable with drinking around him and I let my guard down. I let myself use drinking as a means to control stress, to keep myself from breaking down.

It was the solution to everything. My boyfriend had just gotten beat up by his classmates in front of my eyes? Make a drink. Let it make my judgment piss poor and barely comfort him in his time of need. Let myself be reminded exactly how much I used to fight in my past in ways so similar to the fight I’d gotten into to protect Eren? No. Make a drink. Drink it away and suddenly the problem would disappear. Drinking made everything disappear, after all. It made me forget that each passing moment made the itch that only a razor blade could effectively scratch worse. Seeing Eren’s arms (and thighs) so often never failed to remind me of how satisfying it was to watch myself bleed. To have control of everything again, because it seemed that lately, I didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of control in life. The urge kept getting stronger and it was causing me to fall even if I never did drag a blade across my skin when I wanted to.

And so drinking would be there to catch my fall every single time. 

Obviously, it had failed in the end, anyways. A futile effort that did more harm than it did good.

My composure has been crumbling for a while now; I’ve felt it deteriorate with each passing day. I ignored it by mixing another drink. And I’ve recently begun to realize that perhaps it was a problem, that perhaps going to work drunk and living every free moment of my life drunk was a harmful practice. I didn’t cut my skin anymore and I no longer got myself fucked up on hard drugs, but in the end, was I really that much better?

Eren was the answer to that question. No, I wasn’t. Far from it. 

And that was actually the main reason why I _wasn’t_ intoxicated by the time Eren woke up on Saturday morning. Because I’d realized that I was royally fucking up. And so I’d wanted to at least be sober for our day off together, so that we could have a pleasant day spent focused entirely on enjoying each other’s company. I wanted to take him out to breakfast and then go for a walk in the park because it was supposed to be particularly nice out that day. I wanted to hold his hand as we chatted about whatever came to mind. I wanted to give him a day that would make up for the downfalls of the past month. I wanted to make up for being unable to pay as much attention to him as I would have liked to.

I was trying to fix my shitty and ridiculously fucking stupid mistake before it caused anything to happen and I had apparently been too late for that. 

I slumped back against the wall of the shower, closing my eyes as I let the droplets of water mix with my own tears. Eren’s words had hurt, but they’d been true. And that’s what made it even worse. Alcohol was not the solution to my problems and I’d been a complete idiot for thinking that I possibly could. But in the end, I guess I hadn’t been thinking at all in the first place. And that had cost me a lot, I could tell. I sank farther and farther until I was sitting on the shower cold shower tile. I dropped my head and bathed myself in my own resignation, my own defeat. The longer I thought, the sadder I became. I couldn’t stop thinking about how horridly I’d fucked up the past month and it made my tears flow faster, made my shoulders tremble more. I clamped my eyes shut but all I could see was Eren screaming at me in his red t-shirt.

I desperately wanted to run out of the shower and throw myself at Eren and apologize for everything. But I couldn’t do that in my current state. I couldn’t stop crying and I was miles away from a state of calmness. The inevitable apology would have to hold off for a bit longer, as much as I wanted it to happen right that second. 

Thankfully my tears did cease eventually. After an immeasurable amount of time had passed, I slowly picked myself up off the shower floor and turned the water (that I’d pretty much wasted) off. My breakdown had passed but I didn’t exactly feel great as I dried myself off and put my clothes from earlier back on my body. I felt weighed down, like I would sink beneath the floor at any second. I’d probably go straight to hell if I did.

I tried to force my feet into submission and take me to the bedroom where Eren was still likely sitting on the bed. But instead I found myself on the living room couch with my head in my hands, trying to formulate an apology that would be able to break through to Eren. I almost always knew exactly what to say to him but this was one of the few times that I didn’t. 

Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t the one to initiate the make-up like I assumed I would be. My shitty, half-formed apologies went void because when I was about to walk to the kitchen to get something to drink (a glass of water), I was interrupted by Eren latching onto me and apologizing over and over again. Which broke my heart into pieces. 

-x-

[Eren’s POV]

The tears pricked at my eyes as soon as Levi was out the door. I was sick to my fucking stomach. I'd seen Levi in anguish more times than I wanted to admit, but this was by far one of the worst. I had lashed out wholeheartedly against the one goddamn person who cared about me more than anything else in this world; and I cared for him just as deeply. I’d just hurt him, and not just a little bit. I’d uttered every cruel phrase that I could have possibly used against my boyfriend. I’d literally just told him to go get himself fucked up like he used to and accused him of being just like my dad.

And that was a low blow.

After everything he’d done for me.

That was a low fucking blow.

I drew my knees up onto the bed and set them against my chest, wrapping my arms around them tightly and rocking back and forth miserably. The more time I had to process everything I’d just said, the more miserable I became.

Everything that I’d shouted came out of my mouth on impulse, not on coherent thought.

So had they really been incoherent, spur of the moment phrases that held no true connotation? Fleeting thoughts that I didn’t really mean? 

Or did I really mean them?

They were thoughts that had been lingering in my subconscious, only to be unleashed in such a heated moment. But the true target of my own rage was still unknown to me; Levi may have been the target I used but in the end I wasn’t sure if he was the true target I was meant to reach. Because a part of me was angry with myself for being the cause of Levi’s pain, undoubtedly one of the factors that played into his heavy drinking habit. Or perhaps my anger was meant for dad, for being unable to handle himself under the influence of the alcohol he kept so close at hand. Or maybe in the end I really had been angry at Levi. 

I could hear the water running in the bathroom and realized that it’d been running for a while. Levi was taking his time in the shower and each passing moment raised my fear about what would happen once he was out of the shower. A complete loss of composure was not common for Levi and I’d been the cause of it this time. There was no doubt in my mind that my words had caused him more pain than any physical wound ever could.

I distracted myself from Levi’s agonizingly long shower by trying to decipher my own thoughts. Probably not the best decision for the moment but it was all I could do.

I didn’t even know that Levi’s drinking bothered me. I’d always thought I was totally fine with it. I’d never seen it as a problem, but the more I sat there and reflected, the more that I realized it had been a point of tension from the get-go.

But that wasn’t right. He wasn’t an abusive asshole; he wasn’t a mean drunk. He was entertaining as hell a fair majority of the time that he was intoxicated. He sang to me, he called me by pet names. He latched onto me in displays of affection even more (although lately those had become increasingly seldom) than he would while sober, which was saying something. He was adorable when he was drunk, so it wasn’t necessarily the way he acted that had managed to get me so worked up.

It was simply the fact that he was drunk that was getting to me.

That he had such a dependence on the same thing as my dad. It becomes difficult to differentiate alcoholics, I guess. 

And somehow he’d hidden it well. Somehow, I hadn’t picked up on his dependence until now. The times he went to work drunk. The way I never saw him at home without a drink by his side anymore. The way he drank whenever anything appeared to be stressing him out. My mind had never made the connection that perhaps it was an issue that needed to be addressed.

And addressed it I had.

I had to make it right. I couldn’t wait one more fucking moment.

I was probably the last person he wanted to see at the time.

But I couldn’t take it anymore. 

The shower had stopped running a while ago; it was impossible to tell how much time had passed, though. I didn’t bother to swing my head around and glance at the clock because time was irrelevant right then. I’d heard the bathroom door open at one point, too; he was in the living room or kitchen. Probably the living room.

Taking a deep, shaky breath I slowly rose from the bed and prepared myself to face my own boyfriend. Goosebumps raised on my arms when I cast the blanket off of me, remembering that I’d only worn a red t-shirt and boxers to bed. I took a hesitant step towards the bedroom door, and another one. However, I couldn’t bring myself to wait a single moment later and I ended up sprinting out of the bedroom and into the living room as fast as my admittedly slow legs would carry me; I hadn’t even bothered to throw on a hoodie which would be a priority in any other case. 

Levi was standing a few feet away from the couch as if he was just about to make his way to the kitchen. He was facing away from me, so I couldn’t see what facial expression he currently possessed. Trepidation coursed through me which caused me to hesitate before launching myself at him; I had no clue how he would react to me. There was no way to tell with him.

Incapable of knowing what exactly to do, when I caught up to him (I practically fell onto him because I’d been running and had to stop suddenly) I threw my arms around him and buried my face into his shoulder. 

He tensed up, freezing underneath my touch. He didn’t move; he stood perfectly still. 

I bit down hard on my lip to keep myself from sobbing hysterically. I knew what remorse felt like entirely too well but this was a remorse different than what I was used to; I couldn’t handle it. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered against his shoulder. And then, lifting my face slightly so that he would be able to hear me, I reiterated again and again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, oh god Levi, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

He was still unresponsive.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Jesus, Levi, I’m really, really sorry.” I have no clue how many times I said sorry in the span of a couple minutes. Whatever it was, it wasn’t nearly enough times.

Levi took a deep breath. He lifted one of his arms and gently but firmly placed one of his hands on my arm. 

“There’s no need to apologize, Eren.” 

I miserably buried my face into the leather of his jacket once again, breathing in the scent of Levi and cigarettes that lingered on the black material. I tightened my grip on him, afraid he’d break free of my grip and leave. 

“I’m sorry. I really am. And I know that doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot, but I’m sorry.”

“Eren. I told you. Stop apologizing.”

His typically smooth voice now possessed an edge of roughness that suggested he’d been crying. Hard. His voice was also significantly quieter than normal. 

“But Levi, I-”

“No. I was thinking, and I realized that everything you said was true. It was a harsh slap of reality but it was true. You don’t need to apologize, alright? You don’t.”

“No. I didn’t mean any of it, I swear. I was just…angry. But not at you. At the world. I used you as my punching bag and that was a horrible mistake and just oh my god Levi I’m so so fucking sorry.” 

Levi gently pried my arms from around him and he finally turned to face me. His eyes were red and puffy and I figure it’s safe to assume mine were in the same situation. He sat down heavily on the couch and gestured for me to do the same. 

Every major downfall had a feelings talk as a follow-up, after all. That was how it always was with Levi. And it sucked, but hopefully it would help. We were wasting our day together that had originally been so promising, but maybe we didn’t have to waste it all. But then again, I didn’t deserve for Levi to forgive me quite so easily. And he was already forgiving me without hesitation, which didn’t surprise me, but it almost hurt in a way. It hurt because even though I’d hurt him, he was already able to calmly rationalize through everything and move on. 

I really, really didn’t deserve to be loved by Levi. I really fucking didn’t. 

I sat down on the couch and instinctively leaned towards Levi. I thought better of it and straightened back up, but Levi guided me back down. His arms wrapped around me and suddenly it felt like we hadn’t just gotten into a fight. However, the weight of the morning was still crushing me. In the end, it was tainted normalcy. Levi absentmindedly took a strand of my hair and ran two of his fingers through it out of habit.

“I should be the one apologizing to you.” He began.

“No.” I replied simply, for lack of a better response.

“Seriously, I should. I know your dad had serious issues with alcohol and I know how much of a damaging effect it had on you. I know that. The last thing you needed was for me to depend on alcohol to get through the day. And somehow I was fucking stupid enough to do it anyways. And that’s just really, really shitty on my part. I regret it. You don’t have to forgive me right away. You don’t have to forgive me at all.”

“Levi. I don’t need to forgive you, oh my god. I’m the one who was screaming at you. Shouting things that visibly hurt you.”

“You were screaming at me but that’s alright. Because it brought me back down to reality which is what I needed. And just so you know, the drinking’s going to come to a halt.”

“No no no seriously, you don’t need to stop drinking. I just. God, this is all going so wrong today. I can’t even think straight.” I groaned, rubbing my temple. I had a headache; too many thoughts to process in a short amount of time.

Levi pressed his face against the crook of my neck. “I’m not going to let you live in a situation that reminds you of your dad. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to have to make those connections.” His breath tickled my neck. 

I reached out and touched Levi’s hand. “I…don’t know what to say right now. I can’t process everything. I can’t.” 

Levi took my hand into his own and guided our fingers together so that they were interlocked. 

“You don’t need to. Just relax. Just know that I’m going to do better. But for now, just rest.”

“I’m still sorry. I shouldn’t have said the shit that I did.”

“It’s alright, Eren. It’s alright. You were fed up and hell, so was I. It happens. We all have to fight once in a while.”

“Still.”

“Rest.”

“I got plenty of sleep last night.”

“Rest, Eren. Take a nap. I will too. Lord knows a couple hours of rest would do both of us plenty of favors.”

“Alright, fine.” I closed my eyes, falling back into Levi naturally. We both shifted until we were lying down together on the couch we spent so much of our lives on. I really didn’t have to worry about Levi forgiving me; I should have known he’d forgive immediately. 

As my mind became foggy and sleep began to take its hold on me, I spoke.

“Hey, Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“We really get ourselves into a lot of bullshit, you know that? Screaming at each other. What the hell has the world come to?” It was a half-asleep attempt at lightening the mood, because it was still unbearably heavy. And it was true; we did get ourselves into hell of a lot of issues. 

I could almost hear the smile that most likely danced across Levi’s lips. 

“Sleep, Eren. Sleep.”

-x-

Levi’s arms were still around me when I woke up. I glanced across the room at the clock hanging on the wall to find out that it was six ‘o clock in the evening; I’d fallen asleep for several hours. Levi was fully alert and my guess was that he hadn’t fallen asleep for quite as long as I had. I turned around and faced him.

“I still feel like shit about earlier.” 

Levi grimaced slightly at my words of greeting. 

“That’s in the past now.”

“Still.” 

“Come on, we still have a day to spend together.”

“It’s six ‘o clock already.”

“So?”

“So, what the hell are we going to do to ‘spend the day together’”?

“I was thinking about that while waiting for you to wake up, actually.”

“Oh, yeah? And what did you come up with?” 

“I was thinking that maybe we could go out to eat for dinner. Since we, uh, skipped over breakfast.”

“Wait, did you just say ‘uh?’” I forgot the seriousness of the conversation for a split second; Levi never hesitated. Ever. It was far too innocent for him, but it was endearing in a way. 

“Maybe I fucking did. Does it matter? No, it doesn’t. But would you be up for going out to dinner?”

“Like a date?”

“That’s literally what you said last time.”

“I thought we don’t do dates.”

“I feel like we could really use a date right now.”

I thought it over for a moment. “I can’t say I disagree with that statement.”

“Alright, sounds good to me. Where do you want to go?”

“It was your idea so it’s your responsibility to choose the place.”

“Fine.” 

“Like you really mind.” I teased, ready to get up and find something to wear; as far as I was concerned, neither of us had eaten yet that day. 

Levi’s hand on my arm prevented me from walking away from the couch. 

“Wait, Eren.”

“What?” I instinctually pulled my arm away from his grasp; his fingers were clamped around some of the more recent wounds, whether he realized it or not. 

His voice was quiet. “When…did these happen?” 

“When did what happen?” I snapped, pulling my arm away.

“Those most recent wounds.” He sounded dazed. 

“From the other day. When I went into the bathroom and you ended up chasing after me.” 

Levi looked pained when he looked up at me; he was still sitting on the couch while I was standing. 

His reply was quiet enough to make me question whether or not I was meant to even hear it.

“I don’t remember that.”

“I’m sorry.” I replied on impulse.

“Don’t be. I just…ah. Come on, let’s go get ready. I’m starving.”

A half hour later, we were seated on the motorcycle and setting out for Fazoli’s. Levi was in no hurry to drink at the restaurant so he insisted upon driving to prove it. I was actually genuinely happy that Levi had suggested a date; perfect timing. Since Fazoli’s didn’t exactly warrant formal wear, Levi wore what he’d started the day in and I’d thrown on a pair of jeans along with my white hoodie with folded black wings across the back that I’d forgotten I even owned. 

If I had to describe the mood of our date at Fazoli’s, it would have to be almost melancholic. 

The date overall was soft and sweet. We talked quietly amongst ourselves, surrounded by tables filled with other groups of people enjoying their Saturday night. We focused our attention on each other and avoided all of the subjects with heavy connotation. Right after we ordered our food, Levi’s hand lightly brushed against mine underneath the table. He took my hand into his and we intertwined our fingers, following suit with our other hands. Holding hands underneath the table was such a simple gesture but it was perfect. Levi was perfect just like he always was. He was perfect even when he was perfectly flawed and fucking up just as much as me. Was that too cruel to think? I didn’t mean for it to be a cruel thought. I was simply happy that our fight was in the past, just as Levi said.

However, we couldn’t deny the heaviness of the air surrounding us. The date had been born out of negativity and I couldn’t shake that thought. 

“Hey.” Levi caught my attention in a quiet voice; he’d barely spoken at a normal tone since the fight. It told me that he was still worried. For what exactly, I wasn’t sure. Maybe he was worried that his drinking would be just as heavy as it was by the next morning, or maybe he was worried that I really was still angry with him for everything (I still wasn’t sure what the true target of my aggression was). His subtle display of nervousness added to the melancholy of our bittersweet date. 

“Hm?”

“You’re distracted.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He pried his hands away from mine and reached across the table to trail his finger along my face. I leaned into the touch naturally, just as I always did.

When his hand reached my chin, he indicated for me to move my head forward. He half got up from his seat so that he could lean over the table far enough to close the distance between us. His lips connected to mine and everyone else in the fairly crowded room disappeared. A gentle kiss to combat the roughness of our lives. I closed my eyes and let myself be consumed by our moment of sweet intimacy. 

I sure as hell wasn’t about to pull away from the kiss, so it was Levi who pulled away and sat back down. Once we was situated again, he spoke.

“Everything’s going to get better from here on out. I fucking swear it, Eren.” 

“Alright.” I couldn’t provide a better or more extensive reply but I did try and offer him a smile.

We went back to holding hands until our waitress brought out our food. We ate in a fairly comfortable state of silence and ended up talking constantly the entire way home; making up for lost time, I guess. The rest of the weekend proceeded a fuck of a lot better than it started, for which we were both incredibly grateful. 

And then March was over, providing us the promise of a new month; a new month in which many reforms would have to be made, on both Levi’s part and mine. It was time for resolution on many of our blatant issues.

We both welcomed April with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little note that this is one of the chapters that hits home to me quite a bit, because I know that I've lashed out at people who drink heavily without realizing/meaning to because of my mother's drinking problem. So I'm sorry if Eren's thought process seems confusing or difficult to understand; it makes perfect sense to me but that's because of my own personal things aha- //rolls on the floor
> 
> Oh, and the next chapter is gonna be a lot more light-hearted than this one. //whispers public sex kink
> 
> Also, the way I figure it, there's about four chapters left to go. Yeah. 
> 
> And finally, I would just like to take a moment and thank all of you guys for supporting me so much in writing this fic. It's been so, so much more well-received than I ever could have dreamed of and your support and love and everything really truly means the world to me, and all of you guys make my day so much brighter. I just want you guys to know that. <3


	23. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better. There's sex involved. Woo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello my precious readers~! I've been promising smut for awhile, so here you go.  
> ~i hATE WRITING SMUT~  
> but nonetheless, i hope you guys enjoy it! i know there's at least a few of us who were looking forward to public sex kink so. here we are.
> 
> Other than that, I don't have much to say! Enjoy, guys. Thanks so much for your patience. ^^

April promised a much brighter future than March did.

Levi promised things would get better, and they were.

Inevitably, the beginning of the month was a hurricane of feelings talks. They were born out of necessity, though, and I couldn’t deny that. Regardless, I never would find feelings talks to be enjoyable. Levi didn’t seem to like them a whole hell of a lot in this case either. 

Nonetheless the talks came and went and allowed us an important sense of a new beginning. We’d already experienced our fair share of new beginnings in life, but each was the start an important chapter. It was okay to start over more than once; Levi told me that life, as much as it sucked, allowed for renewal where renewal was due. And that was something I needed to hear.

Most importantly, I finally realized Levi’s humanity. Just because he’d been my pillar of strength did not mean he was untouchable. As strong as he appeared to me, he was still a broken human being. A being that had to fight constantly to keep the demons at bay. A being that knew more hardship than happiness. That realization hit me unbearably hard and when I finally came to terms with it, I hugged Levi harder than I’d hugged him before. I hated how blind I had been against his own hardships; I was so focused on my own shitty life that I hadn’t even been considerate towards my own boyfriend. And I knew Levi would never be mad at me for that, which just made the situation even sadder to me. 

But it did allow me to understand him better. And that allowed the lines of communication to open up, which allowed us to walk the path of recovery. 

And from the beginning of the month, I was able to draw a couple of significant conclusions.

Number one, we were finally doing something right. Banding together and helping each other in a completely mutual way was undoubtedly beneficial and incredibly helpful. It brought us closer together than we’d been before, which was extremely important considering the rift that had divided us in the previous month. Communication was the key, and we’d acquired it properly. Between my newfound understanding of Levi and his determination to make things right (I was also determined to do so), we were on the best path.

Nights at the apartment were once again something to look forward to. Gone was the short, withdrawn greeting followed by endless hours of silence. In its place was a warm greeting that conveyed how grateful we were just to have the other around. Levi was back to helping me with my schoolwork and my grades (which had once again faltered to a downward spiral) improved enough to give me a shot at a B- to B average for the semester, which I would have thought impossible before. 

As far as Levi was concerned, his grades never faltered. He always managed to get his work done and earn a high grade on it. But drinking had slowed him down which attributed to why he was literally _always_ working on shit while he was home before. With a sober mind his fingers flew with ease across his keyboard; apparently, he was a ridiculously quick worker. This left him with a lot more time available to spend with me in the evenings since my homework rarely took more than a couple hours.

Which led to the second conclusion: There was a side to Levi that I had previously only heard about, had never truly believed because I had never actually seen it. And that side was way more like me than I would ever have expected from Levi. Before, I’d only heard of his trouble with addiction. How hard it was for him to stay away from what he depended on. How utterly desperate he could become when he was left to fight against his urges. But when I saw him try to quit drinking, I saw myself reflected in his eyes. And it broke my heart, knowing that I’d gotten so angry at him for being just like me. Hypocritical. I felt guilty about being so non-understanding for a very long time after that fight. 

This side of Levi was easily frustrated. The first time I witnessed that frustration was on Tuesday evening after he got home from school; the Tuesday after our fight. He’d had no issues on Monday; he’d come home and drank a coke without adding rum to it without a second thought. I could identify with the ease of the first day, because I experienced the same many times. It was the second day that the difficulties often began. The second day made it so horridly easy to fall back into old habits. 

He came home and made a drink out of habit. I’d been distracted by the television and didn’t notice the drink in his hand, not even when he sat down beside me on the couch. I looked to his face and could tell he’d had a stressful day and his furrowed eyebrows suggested that he wasn’t in the brightest of moods. I leaned into and told him that I’d missed him, still not taking notice of the tall glass perched in his hand. He put his arm around me and responded that he’d missed me too, that he was glad to be home because the day had been shit. 

He raised his arm and took a drink from the glass in his hands; as soon as it hit his lips he tore it away. I pulled away from him slightly and shot him a glance of confusion. As it was habit for Levi to have a drink when he got home, it was habit for me to expect it. Thus, I was confused by the look of horror shadowing my boyfriend’s expression.

“Levi…?” He was gripping his glass so tightly that I was actually afraid it would shatter.

“I disgust myself.” His voice was so quiet that I wasn’t sure that I’d even been meant to hear it.

A look at the liquid colored slightly lighter than the dark hue of coke told me why he was upset and my mind immediately flashed to when I was screaming at Levi, accusing him of being an alcoholic just like my dad. Unable to function without alcohol. 

He didn’t mean to make the drink, and that got to me. There were times when I hadn’t even realized I’d cut myself until I saw blood dripping to the floor and a razor blade settled between my fingers. We were affected by essentially the same demon, and it ripped my heart apart to think. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Habits are hard to break. Come on, it’s alright.” I wasn’t used to being the comforting voice; this was never my role. But now it was. Levi had talked me down countless times and now was the time to return that soothing compassion. 

But talking people down was never quite so simple. 

“No, it’s not. It’s really fucking not.” Bitter venom dripped from his voice and I could tell he was close to losing it. Emotions had been rocky for us lately and hadn’t had the chance to stabilize quite yet. We were still on shaky ground; Levi especially, at the moment. 

“Yes, it is. Now put the drink down, it’s okay. It’s okay.” I laid my hand lightly over Levi’s as a gesture of comfort and understanding. 

“No, Eren, you don’t understand. This is the exact same goddamn thing that happened years ago. Fucking nothing has changed. Still dependent on bullshit to get me through the day.”

“Levi, calm down, you’re just in the habit of-” My somewhat desperate speech was cut off.

“The _exact same_ goddamn thing!” In one fluid motion, Levi pulled my hand away from his and without further ado, the glass of alcohol went sailing through the air before impacting against the apartment wall. Shards of glass rained down onto the floor as the cup shattered. I blinked slowly, consumed with disbelief that Levi had just lost it and thrown a glass at the wall. It was so unlike him; or at least, the him that I was so accustomed to. 

He was shaking, he was tense, and his fists were clenched. His lip appeared to be trembling.

“I’m so fucking _sick_ of depending on everything.” His voice shook. “So fucking sick of it.” 

He moved the arm that he’d thrown around my shoulder in favor of placing his head in both of his hands. He’d been set over the edge by doing something so simple out of habit. And that was painful to bear witness to. Honestly I was terrified that he was about to start crying, that sobs would wrack his body and that I’d be unable to stop the tears.

_And you put him in the exact same situation so many times before. Can you really let your heart ache so much over one time of role reversal?_

I shook my head, willing away the thoughts. Now was not the time to focus on my own downfalls; it was time to comfort the one who needed it most.

I wrapped my arms around him protectively and buried my head into his shoulder, searching for the words that could possibly break through to him, the words that would show him the light at the end of the tunnel that he currently couldn’t see.

I wracked my brain desperately. Knowing exactly what to say when it counted most was Levi’s area of expertise, not mine.

I looked back to all of the times that Levi had comforted me. Copycatting him was most likely the best I’d ever be able to do. And so I tried to think of what soothed me the most, praying it would have the same effect on him.

“This is just like how I used to be. I can’t take that.” Levi whispered to himself between his fingers but I managed to make out the words. “I can’t take that.” 

I held him tighter. I held him so that maybe I could prevent him from falling apart completely.

Finally, an idea.

He’d sung to me countless times, singing quietly into my ear until I returned to coherent thought. It worked without fail.  
Would it work on Levi? I had no clue. I also lacked any better idea, so singing was the only option, regardless of how terrible of a singer I probably was. 

The next obstacle I met was what I was going to sing. Thankfully, an idea struck me almost immediately.

My mother used to sing lullabies to me every night, never stopping until she knew I was sound asleep. She also sang them to me whenever I was upset as a kid; when I was sick, when I was hurt, when my daddy left the house yet again after only spending about five minutes with his children. The first one I recalled was Brahm’s Lullaby, one of the ones I’d heard frequently. One of my favorites that mother sang to me. 

I lifted my head from Levi’s shoulder but stayed close.

“ _Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight,_ ” I sang tentatively; my voice was not smooth like Levi’s and I found it difficult to carry a tune. Levi was still shaking, but his body seemed to relax minutely. 

I remembered that I’d never sung in front of Levi before, much less to him. Hell, I was probably surprising him more than comforting him. But hey, if it helped, that was all that mattered. 

“ _With lilies o’er spread is baby’s wee bed. Lay thee down and rest, may thy slumber be blessed._ ”

He lifted his head from his hands. Glanced at me. His narrow eyes held anguish in their depths. 

As I kept on, I took his hands into my own and gently rubbed circles across the flesh.

“Lay thee down and rest, may thy slumber be blessed

Lullaby and goodnight, thy mother’s delight

Bright angels beside my darling abide,”

It was foreign, being the voice of reason. Being the one watching my boyfriend slowly halt his shaking, keep his lip from trembling, calm down enough to take a deep, shuddering breath. Calming down. 

“ _They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast_

_They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast”_

I finished the lullaby to find Levi staring at me with an inscrutable mixture of emotion. I couldn’t begin to guess what exactly was racing through his mind as we stared at each other, words of the lullaby hanging in the air around us. The silence was heavy, so I spoke. 

“I, uh. I’m not as good at singing as you are, but my mom used to sing that to me all the time, and since you sing to me, I thought it might help…” I trailed off awkwardly, unsure of what to say.

He leaned against me, putting his arms around me and burying his face against my shoulder with his head angled toward my neck. He made sure his mouth was still free so that he could speak. 

“No, that was fucking perfect. Really, really perfect. I’m calm now. And I’ll admit, nobody’s ever sung me a lullaby before.” There was poorly veiled sadness in the last bit of the statement and I slipped my hands underneath his shirt so that I could rub his back as another means of soothing. 

A moment of silence because I could not find words. I still had not found them when Levi spoke again.

“I…really didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost it.”

“No, don’t apologize. I’m here for you.” I hadn’t been before, back in March, but I was now. I promised both to myself and to him that I would be there for him no matter what. 

“Still. I’m supposed to be the one who has it all together. The strong one. Invincible, just like I falsely led you to believe I am.” I would never forget the look of incredulity on Levi’s face a few days ago when I admitted the skewed image of him that I’d built-up over time.

“Look, Levi, it took me awhile but I finally learned something. And I don’t learn a whole hell of a lot these days, but I did learn that nobody is invincible. Not even you. And that’s okay. It really is.”

“I need to be in control. I don’t feel like I’m in control of myself.”

“Not everything has to be about control.” I said it as gently as I could, but it still may have sounded harsh. If it did, Levi didn’t let on. 

A deep breath on his part. He was quicker to calm than I was.

“You’re right. I just can’t shake the feeling that I have to be in control of everything all the time. Ironically enough, that’s what drives me to extremes and loss of control in the first place.”

His words were true. So true that they hurt, both because it hurt to see Levi feel like that and because I knew exactly what he was talking about. 

“Oh, Levi.” I said, resting my chin on his head. 

We sat silent for quite some time and whenever I could tell Levi was thinking too hard again, I’d hum the tune of Brahm’s Lullaby until I felt him relax again. I’d managed to comfort Levi and it felt like a crushing weight had been lifted from my shoulders when he lifted his head and told me he loved me, and that he felt better. He attempted to apologize again for losing it and I waved it off. Levi wanted to clean up the shattered glass himself but I refused, telling him to go lay down while I cleaned it up myself. The countless shards of glass that had all once been part of a whole reminded me of myself and Levi; such a metaphor left me with a solemn face as I rose up the last of the shards and tossed them in the garbage.

We existed in pieces just like the shards of glass I’d just spent a half hour sweeping up.

I climbed into bed with Levi and fell asleep to that thought. 

After that incident, Levi never lost his cool quite as badly, although it was obvious that not drinking was hard on him. That had been the first time I’d talked him down but it certainly wasn’t the last, just as Levi had to talk me down continuously. Every day was a battle, but we were getting through it. We had our ways of soothing each other; playing with each other’s hair, rubbing each other’s backs, massaging each other’s neck and shoulders, and singing (Levi sang to me more often than I sang to him but I sang lullabies frequently because Levi quickly grew fond of them). 

The past Levi that I’d never really known mingled with the Levi I did know and love to create the Levi that I finally understood completely. Or at least as completely as a human being can understand another human being, because nothing could ever be quite so crystal clear.

No matter the case, I managed to fall even more in love with Levi than I had before, if that was even possible.

-x-

The third conclusion was that if he was going to put effort into not drinking, then I was going to put effort into not hurting myself. Neither of our paths would be easy to travel; it was well-known that giving in to what distracted us would always be far easier than struggling against it. And although we were doing much better overall, the struggle was far from over. Levi became impatient with his dependence and I was perpetually impatient with mine. 

Even so, I was ready to start working towards betterment. And so in the beginning of the month, I went into the bathroom and went through the familiar motions of grabbing the little box of razors from Levi’s first-aid kit. Turning the box over in my fingers, I was conflicted. I wanted to throw them away.  
But at the same time, I hated the idea of throwing them away. I was terrified of failure. I could throw away this set of blades but I could always buy more whenever I pleased. And that was a terrifying prospect. 

Still, it was important to me to throw them away. It was symbolic in a way. Getting the chance to toss away the items that had done me so much wrong (that had seemed so right at the time) was a good way to mark the beginning of the healing process. Even though it hadn’t exactly worked the first time, I disregarded the trepidation that kept my hand from throwing away the blades forever.

As I was about to make the final move, I heard footsteps behind me.

I hadn’t closed the door behind me. Fear flashed in Levi’s eyes when he saw me holding the tiny box of razor blades. 

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, regaining composure immediately. 

“Throwing this bullshit away.” I replied firmly, taking the box with me out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where I tossed them into the trash can we kept beside the counter. Levi followed me and watched intently as the box left my hands.

“You’re going to try and stop?” 

“Try is the key word, but yeah. You’re trying to better yourself, so I want to better myself, too.”

“Don’t try to heal yourself for my sake. It only works if you want to get better for your own sake.”

“I know. I want to try. I do, Levi.”

He wrapped his arms around me. 

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“Me too.”

And so we tackled our issues together.

We tried to find other coping methods. A common one became going for long rides on the motorcycle when we needed to escape for a little bit; or in my case, rides in the car if Levi was at work. We drove through the back roads of town with no destination in mind. Did it always help a ton? Not necessarily. But it did help us clear our minds a bit and give a chance to calm down from whatever had us worked up at the particular moment.

We watched TV. We ate dinner together. We made a couple short-lived attempts at cooking with each other. Whatever distracted us that didn’t have a negative affect was what we did when we weren’t at work or doing schoolwork. 

We were overcoming difficulties one night at a time, and as long as we were together, it was manageable. 

-x-

The final conclusion that I came to throughout the month of April wasn’t one quite as emotionally heavy as the others.

Quite the opposite, actually.

In fact, that conclusion was that Levi had a thing for public sex. Like, a major thing for it. 

The second half of said conclusion was that while it may as started as just his thing, it very quickly turned into something I enjoyed just as much.

It all began roughly halfway through April, on a Saturday night that we both had to work (in other words, our usual schedule). By the time Midnight rolled around, the place was vacant as could be; again, a typical night shift at the 7-Eleven. Levi excused himself for his fourth or fifth smoke break of the night (it wasn’t like Erwin gave a shit how often Levi went outside; there were no customers to help and Erwin wasn’t even there anyways) and I leaned back against the counter, twiddling my thumbs and watching the clock on the computer monitor in front of me. When Levi returned with the sharp scent of smoke clinging to his ever-present jacket, instead of taking his place behind his own monitor he snaked his arms around my waist and leaned up so that he could kiss me.

That kiss wasn’t one of our typical kisses; desperation lingered at its edges, overpowering the longing for a slow and sweet kiss. Levi worked his lips quickly and passionately against mine, nipping at my bottom lip as a plea for entrance. I obliged and his tongue slipped into my mouth while his hands travelled below my waist and down to my ass, groping me as I wound my hands tightly in his hair in an attempt to bring his head even closer to mine. I was quick to lose myself in the heat of the moment and I was perfectly content with that; it wasn’t like we had anything to accomplish at work anyways.

And so one of my hands soon found its way to the waistband of his jeans, giving it a playful tug before slipping my hand underneath the fabric. Our tongues collided, hot and wet against each other’s and I swear to god that I could hear Levi moan into the kiss. Making a grab at Levi’s length, I’ll admit that I was surprised (and amused) to find that he was already half-hard underneath the confines of the fabric. I gave his shaft a feather-light stroke, eliciting a tiny shudder and moan from Levi. 

“Bit eager tonight, aren’t you?” I breathed as I pulled away from our kiss, since Levi seemed less than eager to end it anytime soon. As I started coming back to my senses my face heated up at the realization that a customer could have walked in on us at any moment. 

Levi leaned into me and positioned his mouth right beside my ear, nipping at it before whispering to me; his breath tickled my ear as he opened his mouth to speak. 

“If I asked to fuck you right here and right now, would you say yes?” The sultry whisper invaded my ear and I bit my lip as I took in what he’d just asked. 

He wanted to fuck me; not make love, not have sex slowly and passionately the way we did between the sheets in our bedroom under the cloak of night. This was completely different; this was fooling around just for the fuck of it (no pun intended). Doing it because it felt good for him, because it felt good for me. And somehow, the idea still managed to present itself as intimate in my mind. Well, my mind did like to fuck me over. No pun intended. Again. 

I opted to go with the logical approach for my response. 

“A customer could walk in at any point in time and catch us fucking behind the counter. Literally anybody could walk in and see that.”

“Indeed they could.” Levi breathed and between the way he was practically moaning in my ear and the fact that he was already half-hard and more than eager to go at it, it suddenly made sense.

“Wait. Wait, Levi. Don’t tell me that’s why you want to fuck right here? _Because_ we might be walked in on, might be seen?” 

“And if it is?” The sound of his own desperation was foreign to my ears.

“Levi, what the hell. What, do you have a thing for fucking in public or something?” It was a joke. I swear to god, it was a joke. I thought he was just randomly horny or something; I didn’t honestly expect him to be into it. I thought he’d been joking as well, in all honesty. Lost in the heat of the moment like I was, he’d spoken without thought…or not. 

I laughed when I saw the faint veil of red dusted across his cheeks; it was almost adorable. Almost. 

Other than the time back in January when he’d blown me in the back, he hadn’t advanced on me anywhere outside of the apartment. Until now, of course. And even then, it had been a safe move, all things considered. We were in the back, where patrons could not cross. Now he was asking for sex in a place we could very, very easily get caught. So he really did have a thing for it, apparently.

“Oh my god, Levi. You actually. Are really into this, aren’t you.” I couldn’t bring myself to phrase it as a question. The answer was right in front of me in the form of a hard-on.

Our arms were still around each other; in fact, there was still a hand on my ass. 

Levi wasn’t quick to answer. I was impatient. 

“Well?”

Levi’s eyes had been fixed on me but they shifted to the side slightly. Breaking eye contact; a rarity for Levi. 

“Alright, so maybe I do. But, I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s fine. Seriously, we’ll only do it if you want to. Because we could get caught at any time. And yeah.” He was being bashful. Just when I thought I’d seen every side of Levi there was to see, he threw another fucking curveball at me. Bashful. Levi. Wow.

I mulled it over for a moment, debating whether or not I actually was comfortable fucking behind the counter at 7-Eleven. It was a fucking absurd idea. I wanted to say no because it was logical (although did I ever really pay attention to logic in the first place?) but I couldn’t bring myself to provide that rationale. And as much as I hated to admit it, the notion of possibly getting caught went straight to my dick.

Although I did remember one minute (not really) detail and decided the topic needed to be breeched. 

“I mean, I’d be willing to, but. We don’t have any lube. And I’d really prefer not to fuck without lube.”

Levi’s hand moved from my ass to his pocket without missing a beat.

He was pulling something out.

“Jesus christ, Levi, don’t tell me there’s _actually_ lube in your pocket.” 

There was actually lube in his pocket.

I should have known Levi’d been planning this all along. He was _always_ a step ahead. Or ten steps. Either way, he’d known his intention from the start. A way too clever bastard once again. He’d cleaned the entire counter area earlier, too; suddenly that made a hell of a lot of sense. He wouldn’t fuck where it was dirty.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“I’m sure I’m okay with this.”

And the next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor of 7-Eleven with Levi straddling me, hips gyrating against my own in a quick rhythm that demonstrated to me exactly how hard he was. Soon my own hips were moving quickly along with his, desperate to get as much friction as possible. It felt so good rubbing up against him that I let out a soft moan, which just made him go faster. He simultaneously began to kiss me all over, wherever my flesh was bared. Which wasn’t much, considering I still had a hoodie on (for which I was actually pretty happy, because it eliminated the inevitable awkwardness that came from letting my cuts and scars be seen). As he dry-humped me, his hands roamed all over my body, massaging and feeling as they travelled along.

I was approaching my limit quickly. 

“Ah, nnn, Levi, I’m close-” I moaned.

Levi’s fun was far from over though; there was no way in hell he was about to let me come from dry humping alone.

Panting and desperately wanting more, it was embarrassing how turned on I was by fucking at 7-Eleven. 

“You know, a customer could walk in at any point in time and find you leaning back with your legs spread open.” 

I’d had my arms thrown carelessly over his shoulders, and now I clutched his back. His words reminded me of the ever-growing heat in my groin. Levi wasn’t the only one desperate at this point. 

He didn’t have me suck his fingers nor did he suck them himself. Instead he took out the small bottle of lube stashed in his pocket and lathered it over his fingers, taking his time. It dripped carelessly onto the floor and I shuddered, knowing what was coming. 

He undid the button on my pants with his free hand and pulled my pants down, followed by my blue and white plaid boxers. I lifted my hips from the floor to make his job easier. My hips remained angled so that Levi could have access to wherever he pleased.

“Levi, hurry up.” I breathed, in urgent need of more than he was giving at the time. Hell, if he didn’t make a move soon, I was going to touch myself. He moved over to my entrance, but he didn’t put his finger in immediately. Instead, he massaged the sensitive flesh around the opening, to which I couldn’t suppress a small moan. 

When his finger finally did move inside, it moved skillfully in and out and his fingering felt really fucking good. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Levi’s slicked-up fingers inside me until my lust made me greedy.

I moved my hips against his fingers, fervently attempting to get them deeper. 

His fingers left me and I badly wished to protest, but when I opened my eyes I knew it was worth it. 

As he squeezed lube onto his hands and spread it across his erection, he said, “You know, you look really fucking perfect shoved up against that counter wall. You look fucking perfect anyways, but still.” He was completely over his bashfulness, obviously.

I bit my lip and wished he would hurry up. At the moment, all I wanted was him inside of me.

My prayers were answered and soon he was pushing inside of me, thrusting in, out, and in again. He grunted and made low moans while I breathlessly moaned his name over and over.

Levi wrapped his hand around my length and pumped in time with his thrusts. That sent me over the edge, and I was about to climax. However, when I glanced over to the door I saw that a group of three people was walking into the store. I wanted to scream out Levi’s name but I couldn’t. My hands had been clutching at whatever surface they could, but now I pressed them over my mouth, doing my best to keep quiet. The group did not see us as they walked in but moaning would be a damn good indicator of what took place behind the counter. Levi had to bite down on his lip to keep himself silent; he’d also noticed our company. 

I arched my back as I hit climax. My orgasm was as silent as I could get away with and I came onto my still-clothed stomach. When Levi finished, he came inside of me after shooting me a look that seemed to ask if he could. I nodded as I tried catching my breath, coming down from the high my orgasm had given me. Cum dripped out of my ass and spilled carelessly onto the floor of 7-Eleven as Levi pulled out. He gave himself the chance to regulate his breathing before motioning for me to keep quiet; he would help the customers and help me get cleaned up once they were gone.

They left after a few moments and we were left alone to clean up after ourselves. 

“Hey, thanks for entertaining my stupid suggestion.” He still seemed a bit embarrassed to admit his kink; the bashfulness was back, apparently. 

“Don’t thank me, I enjoyed it. A lot.” I admitted, fairly sure that the confession left my cheeks stained pink.

We reached an unspoken mutual agreement that it was something we would both be interested in doing again.

-x-

The second time we had sex in public, I ended up topping.

We’d been on a short grocery run, picking up the essentials that we were missing. From the second I closed the car door, I knew we wouldn’t be leaving the parking lot anytime soon. We were near the back of the parking lot; because of school I had gotten into the habit of parking as far away as possible. Even so, the grocery store parking lot was not a desolate place by any stretch of the word. 

Was that fact going to stop Levi? 

No. If anything, it would make him that much more eager.

It did. 

When he reached over to caress my face and pull me into a kiss that would surely become heated, an idea struck me. 

I had only topped Levi a couple of times (I still wasn’t incredibly confident when it came to sex, considering his partners had been many while mine had only been one); always a pleasant experience, to say the least (even if slightly awkward). But I had never topped him where he was apparently most turned on, had never known about his thing for public sex until recently. And while he’d been plenty responsive underneath me before, I knew this time would be even better. I wanted to see if him being the one fucked in public would make him a flustered, desperate, moaning mess underneath me.

Now was the perfect chance to find out, I decided. 

Before Levi could make his move and move over to my side of the car, I crawled over to his side.

I straddled his lap on the perfect spot and put my lips to his before he could say anything. He was surprised but recovered quickly, lips moving across mine and hands moving to my hair to pull me closer. Once the kiss broke off I moved over to his neck, sucking and boldly making marks higher than I normally would, praying it would get him to wear a turtleneck. 

As I had my way with his neck and listened to his increasingly labored breathing, I moved my hand down to the waistband of his pants and pulled them down. His boxers followed suit and I had full access to his erection that I knew would be waiting for me.

I traced my fingers over the shaft lightly and rubbed small circles across the head. Starting at the base, I wrapped my hand around his shaft and pumped up and down. I started out slowly. I relaxed my grip, rubbed him teasingly a few times. Moved my fingers back to the head, smearing the pre-cum that was leaking out the tip. Went back to pumping, encouraged by the breathy moans escaping Levi’s lips.

“A-ah. Ah- fuck, Eren-”

Glanced at his face, found perfection. 

Messy hair from leaning his head back against the car’s window. Bright red spread across both of his cheeks. Eyes closed slightly and glazed over with lust. 

My free hand slipped under his jacket, slipped under his shirt. Trailed up his sides until I reached his chest. Moved my hand to his nipple, rubbed it between my fingers. Did the same to the other, enjoying the way it made him shiver.

His hips moved against my hand in his attempt to receive more friction. 

I moved my hand quicker. 

I claimed Levi’s mouth with my own and saw that he had his eyes shut. 

I remembered where we were. How likely it would be for someone to walk by. It was something of an adrenaline rush. 

He hadn’t let me come from dry-humping me fervently until I felt like I was going insane. And so I returned the favor. 

I moved my hand away from his length and his eyes snapped open, and he glanced (rather irritated) at me as he panted, trying to recover his breathing. No longer distracted by pleasuring Levi, I became increasingly aware of the ache in my own groin. Levi had the patience to be teasing; I did not, for the most part.

The bottle of lube had found a permanent spot in the glove box. I reached over and grabbed it, quickly spreading it over my fingers.

I paused. I decided it would be easier to fuck in the backseat, because it was going to be too cramped in the front seat. After expressing the thought to Levi, we clumsily climbed back. We crouched down behind the front seats for a second, because a family of two adults and three children was passing by. Levi’s bared erection that was leaking with pre-cum was pressed up against my own clothed one and I was becoming more impatient by the second. 

Once the family was gone we climbed back onto the backseats, and I quickly pressed a finger against Levi’s entrance, guiding it in as quickly as I could get away with. I twisted and moved my finger around unskillfully, but Levi was still enjoying it. He writhed underneath me as I added a second finger and scissored them, stretching Levi in preparation. My fingers moved in and out, and each decent thrust of my fingers awarded me a moan from Levi. He’d never been real quiet in bed, but here he was almost twice as loud.

When I felt he was ready, I unbuttoned my own pants and pulled them down, baring my own dripping erection. I lathered myself with lube and took hold of Levi’s hips as I placed myself in front of him. As I moved in to kiss him again, I got another good look at his face. Hair even messier, face even more red, lips parted. 

He’d felt the need to remind me that our display was public and I felt the need to do the same. 

My tip was up against Levi’s entrance and he rubbed against it as an indicator to hurry the fuck up. And I would, but only after I spoke.

Instead of going for his lips, I went towards his hear. Whispered, voice husky with lust. 

“Literally anyone could walk by right now and see you with your legs spread wide open. Does that _really_ get you off, Levi?” I wasn’t one to even attempt dirty talk in most cases. Another sexual move that was bolder than I was with Levi; today was somewhat of an exception already, so I went for it. 

Levi’s arms were wrapped around my back; he gripped me tighter when I spoke. 

I knew the answer so I didn’t need one. Clutching Levi’s hips tighter, I pressed myself up against Levi and pushed in slowly. I kissed Levi deeply as I did so, but once I started moving, I pulled away. I wanted to hear his moans; they were music to my ears.

Tearing my gaze away from Levi’s perfect face, I glanced out the window. A couple was passing by on the other side of the parking row. They didn’t notice us, but one look at our car would give us away completely.

I thrusted in and out at a steady pace, reveling in how fucking _good_ it felt to be inside of Levi. The air was constantly broken by Levi’s sounds but mine quickly followed. 

“Ah, Levi, nn. Nnh!” I moaned, thrusting faster. 

Levi didn’t last long, which didn’t surprise me. I hadn’t been moving for very long at all before he came, screaming my name. He leaned heavily back against the seat of the car and waited for me to finish; it didn’t take me all that long, either. I came inside after asking Levi if I could and allowed myself a short moment of recovery before pulling out.

“Did you enjoy it?” I asked as I collapsed on top of Levi, resting my head against his chest.

“There’s cum on my jacket, you prick. Now I’ll have to wash it when we get home. And we have to wash the damn car, too.” He muttered grumpily, and I smiled. Typical Levi. 

“Hey, it was your idea.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who decided you should top.”

“Well, did you really mind?” 

“Not really.” Levi wrapped his arms around my back in the protective manner he always did. Now that we were lying down, people would be less likely to see us, so we took our time in recovering before driving back home. He stroked my hair and said that he really had enjoyed himself.

When a police car pulled into the parking lot not that far away from us, we decided it was time to take our leave. 

-x-

A sub-conclusion for the month: It’s entirely possible to give head in a movie theater and not get caught.

I never thought I would end up finding that out for myself, but I did. Couldn’t say I was surprised, though; nothing could really surprise me at that point. 

Anyways, one Saturday afternoon provided us an opportunity to hit a newly released horror film before work later that night. We sat in the back corner, which was where we would sit anyways, for the most part. There were a fair number of occupants in the theater but nothing major. In any case, most of the top row was empty and those who were seated in the back were on the opposite side of us. 

First of all, the movie fucking sucked. It was cheesy and the jump-scares didn’t even make Levi jump, which was saying something. We weren’t missing out in the slightest when we ceased paying attention to the movie. And cease attention we fucking did.

I knew Levi’s motivation for seating us in the back. I knew it from the second he hastily took the lead as we entered the theater. I knew it from the way he immediately led us to the darkest corner he could have found in the damn room. But I sure as fuck wasn’t going to argue. 

I also knew that he was searching for the first opportunity to make his move. He’d been waiting from the beginning. And when I knew he was about to go for it, I turned the tables. I mainly did so because my mind flashed back to the time he blew me in the backroom at work; it was only natural that I return the favor. Plus, I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to keep quiet with the way Levi could use his goddamn tongue.

And thus somehow the next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of Levi, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling down his boxers far enough to take hold of his already slightly hard dick. Always so unbearably eager whenever we were somewhere that sexual activity wasn’t technically allowed. Both of us sucked at following rules, anyways. No harm in breaking a couple more. 

I gave his length a couple of soft strokes and looked up to find Levi biting his lip, already having to keep sound from escaping his lips.

My lips soon replaced my hands and starting at the base, I lazily dragged my tongue up and down his shaft several times. The faintest noise escaped Levi’s mouth and he put one hand over his mouth and entangled the other hand in my mess of brown hair. I flicked my tongue over the beads of pre-cum accumulated at Levi’s tip and spread it around with my tongue. Encouraged by Levi’s increasingly tight hold on my hair, I wrapped my lips around the head and gave a couple of short, teasing sucks. As hard as Levi was trying to hide it, I noticed his breathing speed up. I glanced up and his eyes were half-closed. 

I started to suck and bob my head back and forth, taking a little more of Levi in with each suck. My mouth was warm and wet against Levi’s dick and he was having a difficult time keeping himself quiet; I heard a tiny moan slip between his fingers now and then. I took Levi into my mouth completely and when he tensed with a slight arch to his back, I knew he was close. 

I sucked harder, quicker. Paused sucking in favor of catching the leaking pre-cum with my tongue, noticing that Levi was wetter than usual. He threw his head back against the seat and closed his eyes completely; I continued sucking fervently and soon Levi’s back arched while cum shot into my mouth. I couldn’t swallow it all in one go and some of it dripped onto the floor. As I swallowed what I could, I stole a glance through the dark at Levi. He was panting and his grip on my hair loosened as he tentatively opened his eyes. I smiled at him as he tried to regulate his breathing; he gave me a slight grin in return. 

The movie ended shortly after I returned to my seat beside Levi. 

“Well, I’ve given you head in public, and you’ve given me head in public. At least we can say we accomplished something in this relationship.” Levi teased, albeit with a sarcastic tone.

“Shut up, you enjoyed it.”

“Did I say I didn’t?”

“No.”

“There you go.”

“Whatever.”

We walked out of the theater. 

“That was a shitty movie.”

“We paid attention to, like, a half hour of it. The rest was spent making out.”

“And you giving me head.”

“Yeah, that too. Not the point, though. We barely saw the movie.”

“I have no complaints.”

“Can’t say I do either.”

Levi’s interest in doing sexual acts in public was rubbing off on me.

Literally. 

-x-

The Wednesday night after our little movie trip, Hanji and Mike invited us to grab something to eat with them one night as a chance to hang out; we hadn’t seen them much lately. Levi told me that they were engaged, a fact that he had forgotten to tell me even though he’d found out back in February. They seemed a bit young to be tying the knot but I couldn’t say I blamed them, because I didn’t. Honestly, Levi could have asked me to marry him at any point in time and I probably would have said yes. Like I could really say no to him. 

Thankfully, because spring was pretty much in full-swing, riding the motorcycle was no longer a battle against impossibly cold air and snow.

“You know, for as much as I ride on this goddamn thing with you, don’t you think I should have a jacket, too?” I commented as we climbed onto the bike, ready to head out to Buffalo Wild Wings. 

“We can get you one if you want.” Levi replied. 

I’d been joking, but when I thought about it, I wouldn’t have minded. I probably wouldn’t live in it like Levi did, but it might be nice to have at some point. I couldn’t really imagine myself in one, though.

“Nah, never mind. I don’t think I could pull off that look.”

“If I was able to pull off pastel sweaters and leggings for a year, I’m pretty sure you could wear a jacket if you wanted to.” His reply was flippant. 

I laughed. “Maybe one day I’ll go for the jacket.”

“Want to wear mine?”

“No. I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.”

I made a mental note to myself to bring it up in a future conversation; the more I sat on the bike and thought about it, the more I wanted my own jacket. 

And for the record, Levi did make me wear his jacket once we arrived. He ended up wearing my Slay Titans hoodie, which was a bit too big for him, while his jacket fit me perfectly.

“Goddammit, Eren, this is like wearing one of my oversized sweaters from back in the day.” 

“Not my fault you’re small.”

If looks could fucking kill, that would have been my cause of death. 

I decided that I preferred Levi wearing his jacket and me getting to see him in it. I felt like a dork wearing his jacket even though Levi assured me that I looked good (I could wear literally anything and he’d still think I looked good). I was mainly embarrassed that Hanji and Mike would undoubtedly notice the outfit switch, and they did. 

We beat them to BWW, though. 

“When are they getting here again?” I asked.

“Seven.” 

“Well we’re early, then.” I said with a glance at the clock. 

“That we are.” 

A waiter brought us the beverages we asked for; mountain dew for me, coke for Levi. 

Levi’s hand was on my thigh. And that hand crept closer and closer to my crotch.

“Levi, stop being horny.” He was a hornier teenager than I had ever been, and he wasn’t even a fucking teenager anymore. He’d also lost the bashfulness over liking public sex that he’d shown the first time we fucked in public. Not that I minded. 

“You say that like it’s easy.”

“You don’t need to do something every time we go somewhere.”

“We went to the grocery store on Monday. Nothing happened there.”

“Okay, but Hanji and Mike are going to be here any minute.”

“Eh, we have enough time.” His hand had taken to kneading at my crotch through my jeans; my will was fading quickly.

“Okay. Fine. Hurry up.”

As he tugged the zipper of my pants down along with my boxers and took hold of my hard-on, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I really, really love you, did you know that?” 

That just turned me on even more.

His skillful fingers flittered along my shaft with such feather-light touches that I sometimes questioned if he was even touching me. He rested his head on my shoulder, acting as if we were an innocent couple spending time together whilst waiting for our friends. And above the table’s surface, we looked the part. But his slim fingers wrapping themselves around me suggested otherwise. 

“Hopefully the waiter doesn’t decide to stop by.” Levi whispered casually as he moved his hand up and down. One of the people seated at a table a little ways away glanced over at us, narrowing her eyes; because we were gay, not because she could see what happened underneath the table. Or maybe she could have, who knows. Either way, she was disgusted. I wasn’t inclined to care at the moment.

Levi’s hand sped up and I bit back a moan; his pumping ceased and he instead moved his fingers over the head, smearing around the beads of pre-cum over the slit. 

“You’re wet tonight.” Levi commented nonchalantly. 

“You’re…good at this.” I breathed in reply, doing my best not to catch the attention of the diners around us.

He’d taken to rubbing and stroking my shaft in varying speeds and lengths, which drove me absolutely insane. His slower strokes caused me to move my hips, seeking more. My hips rocked against his hand desperately. My face was probably bright fucking red. 

I looked over to the entrance of the restaurant. Hanji and Mike had just walked in. 

“…Nn.” I was close.

“L-Levi. Hanji. Mike.” I breathed out in broken syllables. He must have seen them too, because he wrapped his hand around my length and gave a few quick pumps that sent me over the edge. Stifling my moan as much as I could, I rode out my orgasm and prayed that Hanji and Mike would take their time in walking over to us.

Levi used his free hand to grab the napkin wrapped around his silverware. When he had cleaned up the best he could, he tucked the napkin in the corner of the booth where we would probably forget about it later. We were improvising; even Levi hadn’t thought about what the fuck to do with cum underneath a restaurant booth. Not that he would admit that he hadn’t thought ahead. 

My breathing was still slightly off-kilter when Hanji and Mike made it to the table, but it wasn’t noticeable enough to mention. Thank god. 

Hanji did notice the outfit switch immediately, though. Ironically enough she had her Titans Are Friends shirt on and insisted on taking a phone selfie with Levi due to the matching clothes. Both Mike and Hanji agreed that I looked good in Levi’s jacket. 

We discussed Hanji and Mike’s wedding plans which were currently disjointed and sporadic, so it was a damn good thing they had time. Levi may have been a dork, but his friends (our friends, I had to remind myself) were no better. But hey, it was a good time. And that was what mattered.

-x-

As far as the rest of the month was concerned, it all went well. 

The kids at school were taking a break from me; nobody was in a rush to pick a fight with Levi, and he still picked me up from school whenever he could. And if Hanji happened to be the one picking me up when they did decide to go in for a fight, hell, she would probably scare them off too. There’s something about the mad-scientist aesthetic (and between her goggles and newly-obtained lab coat, she fit it perfectly) that scared kids off. Between the two of them, I essentially had bodyguards. And that made me feel safer than I had in a while. And although comments were still shot at me consistently, they were lessened enough to be tolerable. Well, not really, but still. Everyone was starting to focus on graduation and getting the fuck out of high school more so targeted individuals lost some of their spotlight. Thank god. 

One of the aspects of the month that I was proudest of was both mine and my boyfriend’s individual achievements; the conclusion of April marked one month of sobriety for Levi and one month since the last time I hurt myself. We actually celebrated the occasion on the last day of April; or at least, we thought it was a celebration. In reality, it was us renting several scary movies and buying a bucket of fried chicken from KFC. We lay together on the couch and watched movies while stuffing our faces. I also took the opportunity to give Levi a gift I’d been saving for the most opportune moment.

And so earlier in the afternoon, before movie rentals and KFC, I drove myself to Walgreens and developed a single photo. It was just a cell-phone photo, but that didn’t matter to me. I needed to have it in our apartment. 

After picking out a frame and grabbing the developed photo, I put it together in my car and drove home. Levi was already home and sitting on the couch when I arrived. Much to my amusement, he had my sweatshirt on again. 

“Nice sweatshirt.” I said, keeping the framed photo behind my back as I approached.

“It’s comfortable.” Levi replied, taking a sip from a can of coke. His sobriety taught me that his favorite soda was coca cola; not pepsi. Coca cola. Had to be coke, according to him.

“You don’t get to keep that, you know. It’s my favorite hoodie.”

“Yeah, yeah. I prefer my jacket anyways.”

“Sure you do.” 

“So, what’s in yours hands?”

“Nothing for you.”

“Well then what even was the fucking point. Really, though, what you got there?”

I held the frame out in front of me. “I guess this is a present.” 

I handed it to him. He looked at it and his eyes narrowed.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” 

“Nope.” I said. He stared at the photo incredulously.

“I could fucking kill you right now.”

“Come on, we had fun that day.”

“Yes. But this photo. No.”

“We should keep it on the coffee table.”

“There is no way in hell we’re keeping that picture in the house.”

“Hey, it’s a gift. You could at least say “thanks” and let me keep it on the coffee table.”

“I refuse.”

In the end, I ended up winning. Somehow, Levi couldn’t bring himself to say no to me. And so our coffee table was decorated with the picture that Hanji took of us; Levi sleeping against me while we both wore our hideous Christmas sweaters.

Once we had our movies and food, we settled down together on the couch. After a couple of movies, Levi fell asleep leaning against me just like he did in the Christmas picture.

And that gave me an idea.

This time, I grabbed my own cellphone and placed it in front of us. When Hanji’d taken a picture of us, I’d only been able to manage a half-smile. This time, as Levi slept against me whilst wearing my own sweatshirt, I managed a genuine smile. Because in that moment, I was happy. Happy for a month’s worth of progress and much-needed success for the both of us. Happy for being carefree enough to do something like have sex in public. Happy for getting for spend a weekend night watching movies with my boyfriend.

As midnight struck and April met its end, I was happy.

Actually, genuinely, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's three chapters left, as long as things go according to plan. Just putting that out there.


	24. May: Onwards to the Next Chapter of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation and tattoos. That's about it, other than an unwanted phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, first of all! Thank you all for being so patient this past month, because wow, it's already been over a month since last update. The past month or so has been a whirlwind of hell as far as personal issues, so I'm happy that that's over and that I can bring you guys the third to last chapter of HMS finally :> <3 
> 
> Also! Somewhat unrelated, but in case some of y'all never noticed, my tumblr is now longer kawaii-blooded, now it's [vydeseny](http://vydeseny.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> Also, a quick reminder that HMS is completely unbeta'd, so if you see any errors please feel free to make them known to me!
> 
> ...I don't think I have much else to say on this chapter. I apologize if it's not quite up to par with the other chapters, since it's been some time since I last wrote anything, much less an 8K update to something :>
> 
> Regardless of that, I hope you still enjoy!

In May, I got my first tattoo.

Also, I graduated high school while Levi graduated college.

At the beginning of the month, I found myself transfixed by Levi’s tattoo. It became somewhat of an obsession; it seemed that I always needed to have my eyes and fingers on the black and white wings that adorned his pale back. 

His tattoo became a part of our daily routine; we would be sitting on the couch or lying in bed together and I would tap his shoulder, which was an indicator for him to take off whatever shirt (or certain leather jacket) he was currently wearing. Once he did, I would often trace my fingers along his wings until I’d outlined them entirely. I admired their beauty; he’d definitely chosen a skilled tattoo artist to ink him.

Although Levi often acted annoyed by my fixation with his wings, I knew he felt otherwise. I often felt his body relax underneath my touch, and it was easy to tell that the action was soothing to him. That part was mutual; it was incredibly soothing to me as well to be able to lose myself in the arrangement of black and white feathers placed in front of me. 

This was generally a silent affair. However, one night Levi spoke up as my fingers traveled his skin. 

“If you’re so in love with that damn tattoo, why don’t you get one yourself?” 

My eyes widened. Although it was a simple thought, it had somehow never crossed my mind. I had never imagined myself to be a person that would be tattooed; although I had zero qualms with them, I had just never considered it for myself. And so I was silent for a moment after Levi threw that out there, and when I did speak, it was along the path of rationality (a path that I had seldom traveled in the past year, but a path that was luckily becoming increasingly common for me). 

“I’m pretty sure we don’t have the money for that.” I started. 

“You didn’t say that when we ordered pizza hut last night.”

“Oh, come on, that’s different. Tattoos are expensive, aren’t they? You would now.”

“They’re not cheap, no. But I think you’d be surprised by how much you’d love having a tattoo, if you thought about it.” 

“Doesn’t matter. Too much money to be spending on myself.”

“So you’re saying if I wanted another one, and we didn’t have the money for it like you say, you’d be fine with that?”

“Essentially.” 

“That’s bullshit. If you want one, get one. We’re not going to lose the apartment because you went in and got some ink.”

“Still. I’m fine without a goddamn tattoo.”

“But you want one, don’t you?”

“I never said that.”

“No, but I know you. I can tell that you do.”

“Doesn’t matter if I do or don’t.”

“Consider it, at least?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, now you’re just being difficult, ass wipe.” Although Levi was turned away from me, I would have bet actual money that he rolled his eyes at me. “Alright, how about this. Think about it for a while. Like, until the month is almost over or something. And if you then admit to me that you do want a tattoo, we’ll go in and get you some goddamn ink.”

“You’re more enthusiastic about this than I am, Levi.”

“All I’m saying is that I think you’d look good with some ink.”

“That’s not even what the point was.”

“Nope. Seriously, though. Think about it, Eren.”

“Fine.”

“Don’t you “fine” me. Say you will. I’m serious when I say you’d really like one.”

“Okay. Fine. I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” There was a note of approval in his voice. 

“Good.” I mirrored. 

And think about it I did.

-x-

Levi’s career in education ended a week before I was even done with high school. 

On the first Saturday of the month, I found myself seated alone in an overly large auditorium. Levi had assured me that I didn’t even have to go to his graduation ceremony if I didn’t want to, but I refused to skip it. Although I was in no way eager to sit and listen to a shit-ton names being called off in a monotonous row, there was no way I wasn’t going to watch Levi graduate college. Besides, it wasn’t like he had family to support him there and congratulate him. 

Because I was the only one there for Levi, every person that I was seated by was a complete stranger. Seating was close together and I was fairly uncomfortable among the sea of unfamiliar faces. 

I had grown weary by the time the ceremony actually started. I remained weary until I heard Levi’s name being called off, which thankfully wasn’t too far from the beginning alphabetically. His last name was a foreign sound to my ears– he’d only ever said it once or twice and never in reference to himself. I had known the answer to why he loathed his last name even before I asked him. It was, of course, his natural reluctance to associate himself with the family that he’d loathed so much throughout his life. 

I could practically feel the tensing of his body when they called his name even though I couldn’t exactly see him well from my seat near the back of the auditorium. I watched as he received his diploma and once again disappeared into the mass of his graduating class. His gaze had drifted toward me as he walked and I shot him a grin along with a thumbs-up that he probably didn’t even see. 

When Levi’s diploma was placed in his hands, an intense feeling of pride burst through me– Levi had been through an immense amount of shit in his life but he’d still managed to make it through college on top of everything else. Although I had the sneaking suspicion that being a typical, cliché businessman would not end up serving Levi well, I was just glad that he’d managed to see a proper education through to the end. He’d made it. And in two weeks, I could say that I made it, too. There was something incredibly profound in the thought that we’d both managed to succeed. 

It gave me hope that perhaps we really did have a bright future ahead.

I lost myself in my own thoughts for the remainder of the ceremony, only looking up when I heard the names of the only other two people I knew that attended college with Levi– Mike Zacharias and Hanji Zoe. 

An eternity later, the ceremony came to a close. Levi found me immediately after the conclusion, trailed closely by Hanji and Mike. It turned out that neither Hanji nor Mike were particularly close with their families either even though their families had attended.

“We caught up with them before the ceremony. We told them we’d probably leave right after, so there was no use in them waiting around for us.” Hanji explained in response to my quizzical glance at them.

“So who’s up for a celebratory drink?” Mike asked enthusiastically as he threw an arm around Hanji’s shoulder. 

“I’m not even old enough to drink.” I pointed out at the same time that Levi muttered “I don’t really drink anymore, remember?” His gaze had dropped from us and he was staring at the ground with a bit too much interest. Drinking was still a sensitive subject for him which never ceased to break my heart. 

Mike realized that the situation was quickly becoming awkward so he hurriedly adjusted his statement.

“Alright, let me phrase that again. Who wants to grab a bite at Applebee’s?”

“Fine by me.” Levi and I responded at the same time. 

I glanced to Levi to find that his face was once again its typical unreadable mask. He had regained his slightly cold composure, as expected of my boyfriend. Had I first met him under different circumstances, I likely would have passed him off as an asshole just like most other people did. He certainly didn’t exude the air of vulnerability and softheartedness.

We made our way to the parking lot together as a group and I’ll admit, I felt slightly out of place as the only person not adorned in a shiny black cap and gown. My apprehension faded minutely when they all unanimously tore off their gowns, although all three of them were wearing formalwear underneath. In fact, this was probably the nicest outfit that I’d ever seen Levi in; a sight ruined by the leather jacket that he fetched from Hanji’s car (so that it would not be stolen during the ceremony) and quickly pulled over himself. 

“We’ll meet you there.” Levi told the others as we climbed onto his bike. As I took my typical place, my hands slid around Levi’s waist and I leaned into him naturally.

“You never have to attend school again, you old bastard.” I said into his ear as he started up the motorcycle. 

“Damn right I don’t. And don’t you ever call me an old bastard again, or I’ll kick you out of the damn apartment.”

“Give me a dollar every time that you threaten that.”

“Shut the fuck up.” 

I grinned. 

Hanji and Mike beat us to Applebee’s and were already seated at a booth with drinks when we finally rolled in. We crawled into the booth and sat side by side, across from the engaged lovebirds. They’d begun their wedding plans and their thought process (mainly Hanji’s) would never cease to amaze me. We talked, we laughed (even Levi did). Spirits were high and we had a great time.

The evening passed quickly and we remained at Applebee’s for a good two and a half hours before finally parting ways. My spirits remained high when I remembered that their graduation meant that my own was coming up as well. 

-x-

A week later, and I attended school with the lightest heart that I had since high school had even started, even since Armin was still alive. Because on that Friday in May, the light at the end of the hellish education tunnel had finally made its way to my line of sight. This was the last time that I would ever have to spend my day surrounded by the beasts that were my peers. The last chance my teachers would ever have to get on my ass about not trying hard enough, about getting my homework done more often. Once three ‘o clock rolled around, I would be freed from high school forever (which was actually mildly surprising– had Levi not come into my life, I honestly believe I might have failed senior year). 

Sadly, the student body realized this fact as well. While no physical advances were made on me (thank god) I dealt with more comments and harsh words than I had in months. And although my mood did quickly deteriorate because of it, seeing Mikasa during lunch helped to raise my spirits back up, as did being able to text Levi without him being in class. He was currently in the process of job hunting and had applied for beginning positions in an abundance of different offices. He was also applying to a wide array of other jobs to tide him over until he could figure out exactly what his plan of action was for his future, which we can both admit snuck up on us much quicker than anticipated. While I texted him during lunch, he reported that he’d put in a couple more applications around town. 

Lunch was soon over much to my dismay, but I only had a few classes following my lunch hour, which helped. I did my best to shut out the other students and their shitty comments although they made that task increasingly difficult. Ignoring people did not always bore them and make them wish to leave me alone; if anything, it made it worse. 

All of my finals had been taken before Friday so every class that I attended served to be pointless. Most consisted of the teacher giving us some shitty speech before letting us have free reign over our time, which was where the constant harassment came into play. Although teachers were meant to protect their students, most preferred to turn a blind eye and report that “kids will be kids”. 

During my last class, I laid my head on my desk and waited for the moments to tick by and bring me closer and closer to my freedom. Each minute was a goddamn eternity but eventually the raucous voices of the students were drowned out by the last announcements I would ever hear inside that building. 

Four minutes later, and I was no longer a high school student. After graduation practice and the ceremony itself, I would officially be graduated. 

Filled with gratitude, I practically ran out of the building and towards Levi’s parked bike that was waiting to take me home where I belonged.

“Happy it’s over?” Levi asked bemusedly as I hopped up onto the bike. 

“So fucking happy.” I replied. Happiness. It really was a great fucking thing. 

“Do you want to celebrate by going somewhere or would you prefer to go home?”

“I just want to go home and think about the fact that I’ll never have to deal with that fucking bullshit ever again.” 

“Fair enough.” Levi responded, and we were off. 

We spent the night eating ramen and various snack foods on the couch whilst watching a variety of bad movies on TV. It was a great time, and it was made even better knowing that I would never wake up to go to that fucking hellhole for the whole day ever again. The students’ comments, getting beat up, getting shitty grades; that was all behind me now. It had been completely terrible and although not being in high school wouldn’t solve my variety of problems, but it would surely fucking help.

As had happened countless times before, we fell asleep snuggled on the couch together. As my eyes drifted shut, I buried my face into Levi’s chest. Our legs intertwined naturally and I fell asleep completely content, listening to Levi’s beating heart. I was grateful every single day that his heart had never stopped beating even when he’d tried to make it stop beating himself. 

But both of us were alive, and we’d both made it through schooling. I knew that Levi was extremely proud of both of us, and hell, I was too. 

That was the thought that I fell asleep too as Levi’s heartbeat served as my lullaby.

-x-

A week and a day later, and I was adorned in a cap and gown of my own. Seated amongst the entirety of my graduating class, I impatiently awaited for my name to be called so that I could grab my diploma and officially consider high school over forever. 

Because Mikasa and I had different last names, we didn’t get to sit side by side like most siblings would. As a result, I was forced to sit by faces that I recognized but loathed with the entirety of my being. Thankfully, a high school graduation ceremony doesn’t last as long as a college one does, because if it did I would have gone fucking insane waiting for it to be over. And because my last name begins with Y, it took a hell of a long time to get that damn piece of paper in my hand. 

My mother was there as well as Levi and Annie. As I received my diploma, I looked up to find mom smiling at me wholeheartedly, and both Levi and Annie were giving me small grins, which for them was the equivalent of a wide, enthusiastic smile. 

The ceremony eventually ended and as soon as I found Mikasa, we made our way towards our mom and boyfriend and girlfriend, respectively. It was truly astonishing that mom not only interpreted mine and Levi’s relationship as platonic, but Mikasa and Annie’s as well. I don’t think my mom had ever even considered her children might be gay. It really blew my mind sometimes.

Mom offered to take us all out to eat similarly to how we’d all gone out when Levi graduated. 

That had been a good time. This was incredibly awkward, if nothing else. Had mom not been there, it probably would have been just fine. But having mom there took away a lot of our conversational ability, and most of us in that particular grouping didn’t have conversational ability anyway. 

Although it was awkward, I was still in a great mood. I’d graduated high school and could move on with life. We spent significantly less time at the restaurant mom had taken us to than we had at Applebee’s. After only an hour or so, we all parted ways with the reminder that during the first weekend of June, Mikasa and I would have to deal with our own graduation party. I enjoyed the idea of graduating. What I did not enjoy, however, was the idea of a bunch of fuckers that I barely even knew surrounding me with little escape. 

I pushed the party to the back of my mind and left the restaurant with my boyfriend’s hand in my own– I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

-x-

“I got a job today.” Levi said as soon as he strode through the door the Monday after I graduated high school. He’d told me he had an interview, and I’d been hoping he would come home with such news. As usual, his statement needed no fancy prelude and he got straight to the point. He was wearing khakis paired with a collared shirt from his interview.

“Putting the business degree to use?” I asked once he made it to the living room.

“Nope. And a part of me believes that goddamn degree will never end up getting put to use. Don’t even talk to me about that. Jesus, I’ll be pissed if I never end up using it. Anyways.” Levi paused. “They offered me a job down at Carraba’s.”

“The Italian place?”

“Yeah.”

“What position did you get? Waiter?”

“Bartender.” Levi’s tone was measured and when I glanced at him, he was clearly awaiting my reaction.

Of course, I often don’t think before I speak; my words often just fall right out of my mouth.

“Is that a…good idea?” I asked. 

Levi’s sigh was quick in passing but I caught sight of it before it was gone.

“Sorry.” I apologized immediately. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind. Anyways, I’ll be just fine. We could really use more money than we’re getting as two part-time 7-Eleven employees, especially now that I’m out of college and have a never-ending list of loans to pay off. And don’t worry about the whole alcohol thing; if anything, I’ll end up wanting to drink less than I do now.”

“Yeah.” Was all I responded with and Levi caught my apprehension immediately.

“Hey, if it becomes too difficult for me or something, I’ll quit, don’t worry. And Carraba’s is actually a pretty nice place, and I’m surprised they hired me, to be honest. Also, it’s not often you can get a decent job and keep the facial piercings. Speaking of which, I’ll be right back.” I’d forgotten that Levi had taken his earrings and eyebrow stud out before his interview and I hurriedly got a look at his face before they were back in place. This was the first time I’d ever seen him without them in and it was incredibly strange, honestly.

When he returned a couple moments later his piercings were once again where they belonged. He’d also changed out of his nice clothes and now had on a black pair of jeans along with my slay titans sweater, which he’d grown eerily fond of lately. If I wasn’t wearing it, he probably was. And since I’d opted to wear my white hoodie with the wings on back he’d gotten his chance and obviously taken it. 

We continued the conversation we’d started, and he told me all about his new position as a bartender at Carraba’s. Most of his hours were nighttime hours just like they’d been at 7-Eleven, but since the bar closed at two-thirty, he would almost always be home before me. Much to my amusement he was required to wear a uniform on the job; a white collared shirt, a black vest, black tie, and black pants. I’ll admit I was definitely looking forward to seeing him in his brand new work attire. 

Although I was happy he’d gotten a new job, I’ll also admit that I was going to really miss spending my nights working beside him behind the counter of 7-Eleven. In the end, I really owe a lot to that damn place. I’d been introduced to Levi there, and working with him there was what brought us closer together in the first place. Had I not been employed at 7-Eleven, I wouldn’t have met the boyfriend who was there for me no matter what, even when I’d wanted nothing more than to kill myself.

But our graduations and his change in job made me realize that we really were advancing in life. While the past couple of years had me entangled in a circle that got me nowhere, I could finally say that I’d begun the next chapter. I hoped fervently that it would be a better chapter than the last. That’s not to say that good moments were had before May, because I already had countless happy memories with Levi. 

So I looked forward to coming home to Levi already snuggled into bed, uniform cast aside from a long night of bartending. I looked forward to waking up in the morning and attending college, an experience that I could only pray would be better than high school. I still had my hesitations about college but unless I happened to find the perfect job for me, I would be attending the same college that Levi had.

And thus the next chapter of our life together began.

-x-

Although I’d pretty much made the decision to get a tattoo immediately after Levi and I had our talk about it, that didn’t make it any less exciting when I finally found myself in front of the shop that Levi had gotten his own tattoo from. A place that I’d driven by countless times but had never given a second thought to, it turned out to be a really nice place. As we stepped inside, I remembered the conversation that had led to this moment.

“I want a tattoo.” I told Levi the night before. 

“I know.” He’d replied without even looking up at me. 

“I’m serious, Levi. I want to go in and get one done.”

Now he actually did turn his gaze to me instead of the television. 

“Well, I meant it when I said that we’d get you ink if you wanted it. And personally, I think you’re making a fantastic choice.” Levi paused. “When do you want to go get one?”

“Anytime. I just know I want one.” 

“Tomorrow?”

I blinked. “Isn’t that really…soon?”

“Well, why not? You already know what you want, don’t you? I thought you wanted a pair of wings like mine.”

“Hey, I never said that.” I responded defensively, although it was true. 

He leaned into me and set his head lightly on my shoulder. 

“Okay. What do you want, then?” His knowing tone caused me to roll my eyes even as I instinctively wrapped my arm around him. 

I was silent.

“Alright, so you want the wings. The sooner the better, in that case, because it’ll take a couple of sessions, anyways. So may as well get started.” 

“True. And yeah, I want the wings.” 

“Then you’ll get the wings.”

We spent the remainder of the night cuddling on the couch and discussing everything to deal with tattoos, considering Levi knew quite a bit about them while I knew virtually nothing. Apparently, I was probably going to have a couple of sessions at a few hours each. He told me that it would hurt but we both knew I would be more than able to handle it. I would have to take my shirt off and he sensed my trepidation over that part, but he assured me that he’d met all of the artists on numerous occasions and knew that they’d all seen scars plenty of times. They wouldn’t point them out or say anything about them or even look at them oddly, Levi promised me that. After that, I felt quite a bit better about it.  
And finally we were there at the shop, and I was excited to have wings that would match Levi’s, although not be entirely the same. I’d decided to reverse the colors on mine; where Levi’s wing was black, mine was going to be white. Where his was white, mine was going to be black. 

My artist was a heavily tattooed man who looked to be in his mid-thirties, and although he was a bigger guy with an intimidating appearance, I knew right away that he was a kind, gentle man. Levi had called him earlier that morning to see if he had any appointments that day, and by some stroke of luck he didn’t. He asked me quite a few questions which ended with, “Are you sure you want to get this done? I’m sure you’ve thought enough about it,” He paused and looked to Levi, knowing that he’d been my guiding voice, “but I just feel like it’s an important thing to ask before I actually start.” 

I bit back my hesitation– to Levi, his wings had been a symbol for achieving freedom when he knew for sure that he was getting better. Although I was doing a hell of a lot better these days (despite having to constantly fight back urges that often resulted in a foul mood for the remainder of the night) I didn’t want to feel like I didn’t deserve to have wings like Levi, which was an easy thing to feel. When I brought this to Levi’s attention, though, he eased my worries. He reminded me that a tattoo didn’t have to have the same exact meaning for everyone. He also reminded me that even though he had his wings, that didn’t mean he was perfect. His drinking had not been perfect, after all. 

And so with all of his reassurances in mind and trying not to think too hard about letting my arms go sleeveless for a few hours, I looked the artist in the eye and said, “Yes. I’m sure that I want this.” 

He nodded and ushered me to a large black chair near the back of the parlor, away from most wandering eyes, although at the moment we were the only people inside aside from the artists themselves. 

As I settled down into the chair, I was surprised to see a familiar face striding towards us. 

Before I could speak, my artist did. “Ah, this is my new apprentice, Annie. She’ll be watching me work for this one, if that’s okay.”

Surprise took over Annie’s face as recognition sparked in her eyes.

“Eren?” 

“…Annie?”

“You’re going to get a tattoo?”

“You’re going to be a tattoo artist?” We spoke at the same time. She motioned for me to speak first.

“You want to be a tattoo artist? I thought you were going to college?”

“Yeah, I was. I dropped out a couple months ago, realized it wasn’t for me at all. Believe it or not, sports aren’t the only thing I was ever interested in. I’ve always liked art. Loved it, actually. Somehow managed to get myself an apprenticeship here. I don’t regret it at all so far. Seriously, if you need a career path to consider, go for being a tattoo artist. Assuming you’re into art, of course. I don’t think Mikasa’s ever mentioned you being into art, but hey, most people don’t know that I am, either.” Annie’s words were casual, but they were words that would end up sticking with me for a very long time. Her words combined with a quickly-developing love for tattoos would end up shaping my future in ways I never planned for as a child. 

Although it was my turn to respond, I first had to take my hoodie and t-shirt off so that the artist could get to work. As I leaned forward into the chair with my back to the artist, I quickly looked to Annie. As I guessed, her eyes were latched onto my crossed arms. Her eyes held no shock and I assumed that Mikasa had told her everything in the same way that I told Levi everything that happened in my life. And because the situations were similar, I couldn’t bring myself to be mad about it. 

Levi stood right beside my chair as I felt the needle begin its job. Levi was right– it did hurt, but I soon grew used to the rhythmic motion of the needle into my skin and it quickly became more of a discomforting nuisance than anything else. 

Finally, I responded to Annie. “I’ll admit, I’m surprised to find you working here. You don’t seem the type. It’s really cool, though. I think it’s a great idea.”

“I get that a lot, actually. But yeah, thanks. Mikasa approves of my decision, at least. She hasn’t let me use her for test skin yet, though, sadly.”

“I’ll text her and tell her that she should. I’m sure you’re great.”

“You haven’t even seen my work.”

“I haven’t, but I wouldn’t mind.” Although I was overall closer to Hanji and Mike, I still considered Annie to be a good friend of mine. Plus, she was with Mikasa. And that was more than fine with me. 

“Want me to grab my portfolio?” 

“Sure.” Annie asked the artist to make sure it was okay that she leaves for a moment, and he voiced his approval. Once she took her leave, Levi spoke. 

“How are you doing, Eren?”

“Decent.” I replied. 

“Glad you went through with this?” He asked. I’d thrown my arms carelessly over the chair I was seated on, and he reached out and touched my arm, his fingers ghosting over the bare, scarred flesh. I relaxed (although I hadn’t realized that I’d been a bit tense) when I felt the comforting touch.

“Glad I went through with this.” I was telling the truth completely, despite being extremely uncomfortable knowing both Annie and the artist could see my ravaged arms. I would feel much more secure when I had my hoodie back on.

Annie returned a short moment later with a large black portfolio in hand. She showed me everything she’d drawn page by page and I found myself mesmerized. Her art was amazing. She actually cracked a small smile when I told her that and thanked me.

As I thought about what it would be like for Annie to be a tattoo artist, I caught myself replacing the idea of her drawing and tattooing people with the idea of myself drawing and tattooing people. As a small child I had drawn about as much as any other kid that wasn’t particularly interested in art. Although my mother and my art teacher had been convinced I was talented at art from a young age, I never pursued it as a child older than ten. I was curious to see what would happen if I tried to draw as the eighteen year old fuck-up that I’d managed to become. 

I realized that I was hoping for something that probably wouldn’t happen and chased my hope away as soon as it had come. I had no chance at becoming a tattoo artist like Annie or like the man putting permanent ink onto my body in that moment. A shadow crossed my face.

“Hey, what are you thinking about, Eren? You’ve been silent for a while.” Levi observed, a note of concern in his voice.

“Huh? Oh. I was just thinking. I don’t know.”

“Something bothering you?” 

“No.”

“Alright.” He said in a voice that suggested he would breach the topic later, when we were alone again.

I spent the remainder of the session engaged in conversation with Levi, Annie, and my artist. Eventually, the needle stopped hitting my back and my artist said, “Alright, Eren, that’s all for today. I got the outline done like we decided.” He showed me the results before bandaging my back up. 

Of course, my wings were slightly different in appearance from Levi’s because we’d gotten them from different artists with different styles. I instantly fell in love with the outline of wings that was now spread across my bony back. Levi had his wings of freedom and now I had begun to get mine. I scheduled my second session with a light heart. Levi had been absolutely right when he’d said that I’d end up loving a tattoo, considering it wasn’t even done and I was already in love with it. 

We parted ways with Annie and the artist and began to make our way towards the exit. My back hurt but it was more than worth the pain. Levi took my hand in his as we walked. 

A young woman came into the shop while we made our way out of it. As we passed her, I got a good look at her; all of my attention went straight to her arms. She was wearing a tank top and so I could see her arms entirely, both of which were completely covered in a complex arrangement of tattoos. I’d heard of full sleeve tattoos but had seldom actually seen people with them. As I looked at the different objects and patterns, I realized that the ink was slightly warped in places, as if it hadn’t taken properly. And then I realized that her arms were actually covered in a vast arrangement of scars not much different than my own.

I looked up and our eyes met; I felt bad for having been caught staring, especially knowing that I’d inadvertently been staring at her scars. She gave me a shy smile and I returned that smile to the best of my ability.

It dawned on me that she’d taken something ugly and turned it into something beautiful. Her arms were no longer just covered in the regrets of her past. As she greeted one of the artists, she noted how much she loved how her arms had turned out (apparently, this was her last session for finishing touches on her arms) and that she could finally enjoy her own arms again. 

I instinctively looked at my own arms even though they were both covered. 

Could I possibly do something like that one day, too…?

I shook my head and willed the thought away the same way that I’d willed away the thought of becoming a tattoo artist. I didn’t even know if I was done hurting myself yet. There was no use in getting ahead of myself– one month of successful recovery did not mean I was home-free by any means. But maybe, just maybe, one day I would be like the girl that I passed in the tattoo parlor. 

The air around us was full of late spring warmth as we clambered onto the bike and started for home. 

I would have to wait a few days before the session for coloring, but I was already excited for it. 

-x-

This time when I went into the tattoo parlor, this time by myself (because Levi had to work, although once again most of his hours would revolve around nighttime once he was done with training), I knew what to expect. Although the needle was still a source of pain and discomfort, it was easier to grow accustomed to this time. 

Annie was once again an observer, so I had both her and the artist to talk to. The second session was longer than the first had been. The time passed more quickly this time, however, and before I knew it, my wings were complete. My artist had been hesitant to do the coloring for both that day because it was stretching it for a single session, but he ended up finishing it. 

Once again, he showed me the results of the day’s work before grabbing the bandaging. I honestly wish Levi could have been there, because the moment that I saw my first tattoo in its full glory will always be one of my favorites. It was perfect in every way and had turned out way better than I could ever have hoped. 

Although I was the one handing the artist the money, Levi was the one who’d paid for it. I’d told him that I could pay for it myself, but as always, he would hear nothing of it. And so I handed the money over and thanked my artist profusely for doing a perfect job on my wings. 

My wings of freedom. 

That night, Levi got home about an hour after I did. I was still getting used to the sight of him in his white shirt, black vest, black tie, and black pants. 

“How’s the bartender?” I asked from my position on the couch. 

“The bartender is tired and drunk wealthy people are every bit as annoying as drunk normal people. You know, if I ever want to help the urge to drink, all I have to do is go deal booze to other people, because trust me, it turns you off of drinking. Or maybe I just hate dealing with idiots. One of the two.” 

“Sounds like a great time.”

“Naturally. Now come on, get up, and let’s see that ink of yours.” 

I grinned and stood up, pulling off my hoodie and shirt. I let Levi gingerly peel the bandages off far enough to see the completed wings.

“They look fucking amazing.” Levi said as he bandaged me back up. 

“Thanks. And thank _you_ for making it happen.

“No problem at all. I’m glad you’re happy with them.”

“Definitely.” I replied. While I spoke, my phone rang. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion; mom had already called me earlier in the day and Mikasa only texted, never called. 

I picked my phone up off the coffee table and stared at the number glowing on the screen. It was a number I’d never heard and I assumed it to be someone calling the wrong number so I picked it up without hesitation. 

“Hello?” I answered into the phone. 

My face fell and my eyes widened in horror as soon as the voice on the other side of the phone reached my ears.

“Hello, son. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

I was stunned into silence. I hadn’t heard that voice since the very beginning of January, and that had landed me in the hospital. That had caused me to almost try killing myself; had Levi not intervened, I fully believe that I would have died back then. That voice haunted my nightmares. That voice was the embodiment of everything that caused me to take a razor blade to my own skin other than my own ravaging thoughts.

“Hey, respond to me, you little fuck.” His words were undeniably slurred. 

My mouth was hanging open in disbelief. I couldn’t bring myself to just hang up the phone; I was paralyzed. Levi sidled up to me and put his arms around me reassuringly. He could hear my father’s booming voice even though I had the phone pressed to my own ear. Levi tried to pry it away from me but I had an iron grip on the phone.

“I fucking said answer me!” Came the shout. Neither I nor Levi moved. 

“Fine, motherfucking idiot. Don’t respond to your goddamn father. I was just calling to let you know that I’ll be back in town soon. For good. I got fired, son, and I blame you and your fucking dumbshit issues that are a plague on this goddamn family. I’m not even going back there to get Carla back. That fucking cunt betrayed me. No, son, I’m only interested in you! So best get ready. I’m not coming back yet but I’ll be back. I just wanted to let you know that.” 

I’d started shaking as soon as his drunken rambling had begun. 

“God, I fucking hate you. Fucking piece of shit, I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill you! You’ve had it coming all along, you hear me? You hear me?! I should have fuckin’ killed you long ago, bastard! Eren Yeager, you shouldn’t even be alive. You shouldn’t be!” 

Levi finally managed to get the phone away from me. He clicked the “end call” button as soon as it was in his hand.

Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. 

Tears had gathered in my eyes without my knowledge. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to break down sobbing out of fear and painful memories that were resurfacing rapidly or whether I wanted to punch a wall with every ounce of strength I could muster. 

Or if I wanted to drag a razor blade across my skin countless times so that I could forget about the phone call entirely, if only for a few moments. 

As my mind processed that the phone call had really had happened, it felt like everything good that had happened in the past few months had dissipated entirely. It was all rendered pointless if my nightmares were once again going to become my reality.

And so I lost it. I lost it in a pitiful mixture of anger and desperation.

I didn’t say anything at first. Levi was the first to speak, actually. 

“Eren…are you okay?”

I whipped my head towards him and stared at him with a gaze that can’t have been a millimeter shy of insanity. 

I didn’t even start at my normal voice. I went straight to shouting.

“Do I look like I’m fucking okay? _Do I!?_ I shouted desperately.

“Eren…”

“This isn’t fucking okay! This isn’t okay, this isn’t okay, this isn’t okay!” I screeched. “He’s coming back, Levi! Oh god, he’s coming back and everything’s going to go back to the way it was before and it’ll be like I never stopped cutting and it’ll be like he never fucking left in the first place! He’ll kill me or I’ll kill myself! Either way, nothing’s okay anymore! Nothing! It’s all gone, oh god, why did I think things were finally getting better? Why the hell did I ever think that, Levi?” I’d gotten off of the couch and was pacing quickly back and forth; Levi’s eyes followed my every movement. 

“Everything’s going to fall apart! Everything! He’ll come back and beat the living shit out of me and remind me that I’m a worthless piece of shit and that I’m better off dead and that he’s fucking right and I was just beginning to believe that maybe he’d been wrong about that and that maybe I’m not quite so worthless but it’s true, it’s true, it’s true, and oh god, Levi, I can’t handle that. I can’t!” 

“Eren, calm down for a second. We’ll get through this.” Levi had risen from the couch as well. 

“Calm down? I can’t fucking calm down! He’s coming back! He’s going to kill me! Or I’ll kill myself! Hell, maybe I’ll fucking kill myself before he even gets here! Beat him at his own goddamn game, that would be _great!_ ” I’d been approaching the living room wall subconsciously and perhaps I would have punched it after all, had Levi’s arms not tugged me away from the wall and into his familiar embrace. 

“It’s going to be okay.” Levi said quietly. 

I didn’t listen.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god. God, it’s hard to breathe!” I realized it was true; my chest hurt and breathing was becoming an increasingly difficult task. “Levi, I can’t breathe. I can’t _breathe!_ ” I cried desperately, clutching at my chest. Every terrifying thought was racing through my mind at once and I couldn’t handle it. My heart was racing and it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest at any second. Terror flooded through me at the possibility of dad coming back. Even though he didn’t know where I lived or that I lived with Levi instead of at home, my world came crashing down around me after that single phone call. 

Levi had led me back down onto the couch without my noticing. His arms around me were gentle and non-restrictive so as not to make me feel like I was being held down. 

“Oh, Eren, it’s going to be okay. It really is, I promise you it’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!” I choked out, tears in my eyes threatening to overflow. 

“Try to breathe. Try to breathe, Eren.”

“I can’t! I can’t, I can’t.” My tears spilled over my eyes and then I was sobbing. 

“Breathe. In, out. You can do it.”

I clutched desperately at the fabric of Levi’s jackets. I tried to listen to Levi and settle down enough to breathe– it was exceedingly difficult.

“In, out.” 

I breathed in and out to the best of my ability.

“In, out.”

I took a shaky breath.

“In, out.” 

He did this until my breathing pattern was relatively normal again. There was no way to tell how much time had passed since dad had called.

When I could breathe on my own again, albeit unsteadily, I buried my face in Levi’s jacket and sobbed to my heart’s content. At least I was starting to calm down and get a grip on myself. When I could form coherent thought once more, I was filled with gratitude for having Levi around to help me calm down; I sure as hell couldn’t have done it myself. 

Eventually I looked up at Levi who was watching me with eyes full of concern.  
“I’m sorry.” I apologized for my outburst. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m terrified.”

“I know. But it’s going to be okay.”

“Is it, though? Dad said he’s coming back. I don’t doubt him.”

“Even if he comes after you, I’m going to protect you if it’s the last goddamn thing I do. I’m sick of being unable to protect you from him, but I swear to god Eren, I’ll protect you from that monster at all costs.”

Although the wings newly adorning my back were meant to represent freedom, I suddenly felt like a caged bird.

Even so, Levi’s words were soothing to my ears. “Okay…okay. He doesn’t even know that I live here.”

“Right. Seriously, Eren, it’ll be okay. Alright?”

“Alright. Sorry for freaking the fuck out.” I was becoming increasingly embarrassed of my own panic. 

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for that. It’s alright; I’m just glad you’re calm now. It breaks my heart to see you so terrified.” I noticed that he was stroking my hair methodically. I leaned into him and took a deep breath. 

“Thank you, Levi.” 

“You’re welcome. As always. I love you more than anything, I really do.”

“I love you too.” I responded, wearily resting my head on his shoulder.

Although Levi had promised to keep me safe, I couldn’t keep trepidation from taking over as we sat there together. 

The month ended on a grey note; I was worried about dad’s possible return and I don’t think Levi felt entirely too confident about it, either. 

Midnight struck after a while and then it was June.

I couldn’t help but feel like June was going to be the source of something major.

And it wasn’t the feeling before something good happens, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only two chapters left, my children. :>


	25. June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graduation parties, drawings, and one fateful summer night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter seems a bit...boring, I guess? Because now a lot of it is tying up loose ends on things, so...it's all stuff that needed to be touched on, but not necessarily the most action-packed. Although hopefully the last scene is enough action for y'all...haha.
> 
> And as always, this is completely unbeta'd, so feel free to point out any errors. c: <3

June brought with it many things.

On the Friday preceding mine and Mikasa’s graduation party, Levi’s day consisted of a long work shift and mine consisted of no work shift at all. I was left alone to spend the day however I pleased; which, in fact, meant doing very little. This was partly because Levi’s air conditioning units all completely sucked (corners had to be cut somewhere to afford the apartment, after all) and was partly because I simply had nothing better to do. I’d considered calling Mikasa early on in the day and seeing what she was up to, but I’d be spending a better portion of the day with her for the graduation party, anyways. Besides, I had no qualms about spending the day as lazily as possible by lounging around watching TV. 

But as is often the case, my mind could not be satisfied by as simplistic of a task as television. The shows did not hold my attention well enough and my mind quickly drifted to the darker spectrum of thoughts that I combatted on a daily basis. As I felt my mood enter into a downward spiral, I did my best to prevent it. I attempted to brainstorm ideas for ways to occupy my time, at least until Levi got home. I reached for the soda I’d set on the coffee table earlier I was forced to look at the mess that was my arm. Since I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing my scars I opted to wear a t-shirt and shorts at home. Although I was accustomed to feeling the heat of summer through a hoodie and jeans, that didn’t mean it was pleasant.

Familiar disgust lit my face at the crude arrangement of uneven slashes that I’d carved into my own skin. However, a new thought wormed its way into my conscious. I remembered the girl that I’d passed in the tattoo shop with the sleeves that covered her own scars. One thought led to another and I quickly recalled when I’d fleetingly wondered if I could possibly be a tattoo artist myself. Although I’d discarded the thought as soon as it surfaced just as I did the first time it did at least give me an idea for something to do. 

I never had figured out if I could draw or not; I’d never been one to doodle on my school papers nor had I been one to take a single art class throughout high school. And so I grabbed my backpack from where it’d been abandoned the second I got home on the last day of school and took out a notebook and pen. A sketchbook probably would have been best but I had never had occasion to invest in one and I knew Levi hadn’t either. In hindsight, I probably should have used a pencil instead of a pen as well, but I didn’t exactly care all that much.

I returned to my perch on the couch and stared blankly at the paper in my hand. 

It had been an okay enough idea, but I realized that I had no fucking clue what to do. Or at least try to draw. 

My mind began to drift and I snapped my attention back to the paper. It didn’t matter in the slightest what I drew as long as it distracted me.

I drew a line here, a line there. There was no meaning, no correlation. I drew more lines. At some point, they stopped being random lines and began to form into shapes. Shapes turned into defined forms. Page after page, I drew to my heart’s content without even stopping to examine my own work.

I only stopped when I needed to piss so badly that I could no longer ignore it. With a sigh, I glanced to the clock to see how much time I’d managed to waste. While it felt like barely a minute had gone bye, it was already practically nine ‘o clock– which meant I’d been sitting there drawing for five hours straight.

I brushed my slightly-too-long hair out of my face as I examined the papers in my hands. Lately Levi had been on my ass about getting it cut since it was longer than it’d ever been, even before I met him. I had considered cutting it but had decided against it– I found no harm in straying away from my typical hair. Hell, it wasn’t like I was the exact same person I was last year (even though it oftentimes felt like I was) anyways. And although Levi pretended to be irritated by the additional length in hair, he certainly didn’t seem to mind whenever he ran his fingers through my hair lovingly like always. 

Brushing my hair out of my face, I tried to determine what my thoughts were on my own drawings. Some of them were nothing more than simple patterns while others were complex arrangements of surprisingly detailed components. I’d drawn some animals somewhere along the line, all of which were extremely stylized. And although I wouldn’t say anything I’d drawn was particularly good, I didn’t think it was particularly bad, either. I shrugged to myself and climbed up off the couch in pursuit of the bathroom which had been the reason I’d halted drawing in the first place. 

I gazed into my reflection in the bathroom mirror. At first, all I could see was the array of marks ranging from dark pink to pale white. That was all I could ever see in myself when my sleeves of comfort didn’t hide them from me. But this time, I took care to pay attention to the rest of the reflection as well.

A different reflection from what stared back at me in the mirror a year ago. My eyes had been dead. My face had the strained look of somebody who hadn’t eaten enough in weeks – which I hadn’t. I’d had the face of a person who’d completely given up on life. But it was different now. My green eyes had brightened again. Unlike last year, now I actually looked like I was _alive_. 

I still had a lot of rough moments. I still had issues. But I’d somehow managed to develop hope as well.

At the very least, I didn’t loathe the reflection staring back at me nearly as much as I did last year. And that was the difference.

Knowing that Levi would be home at any moment, I quickly shuffled back to the living room. I was thumbing through the notebook trying to decide which drawings were okay and which were utter garbage when I heard the door click open. 

“How’s the bartender?” This had become the typical way of greeting him. 

“Fuck off.” And that had become the typical response.

“I don’t even understand why you get so annoyed by being called “bartender”. You are a bartender. It’s not like you even dislike your job, because I know you actually don’t.” 

Levi appeared in the living room with a can of coke in hand and sat down beside me. “For some reason, it just seems distasteful for my own boyfriend to call me bartender.” Levi replied snidely. 

I rolled my eyes. “Alright, bartender who is also my boyfriend.”

“Asshole.” He shifted his gaze to the television. “The news? Really?”

I tossed my notebook onto the coffee table in front of me. “Yah. Gotta keep up with current events. It’s important shit, you know.” I replied with sarcasm that mirrored Levi’s. 

“Whatever. So, how was y-” Levi stopped midsentence; a concerned glance at him revealed that he was staring at the TV with a completely dumbfounded expression. And it took a hell of a lot to catch Levi off-guard in that way.

“Oh, my god.” Levi whispered. I followed his gaze to the screen to find photographs of two adults displayed on the screen– a petite looking woman with raven black hair and a thin but muscular man with greying hair that looked like it had once been a dark brown. They both seemed to be extremely upper class. The headline announced that their recent murder’s investigation was underway and a key suspect was being interrogated. I didn’t understand why Levi was so taken aback by the murder of two upper class individuals until I heard the news anchor announce their last name–

Levi’s last name.

My eyes whipped back to the screen before me. The longer I scrutinized the two photographs of the now deceased, the more I could see Levi’s features among them. He really did look like them, a fact that he most likely loathed. A burning hatred tore at my heart when realization truly dawned on me about who they were. They were the people who had ultimately been Levi’s downfall. His drug addiction had started by him wanting to spite them. To rebel against them. Even if he’d been the one causing harm to himself, it was because of them that it all began in the first place. 

I already knew the answer, but I couldn’t keep myself from asking while I wrapped my arms around the person sitting ever-so-tensely beside me. “Are they…are they your parents?”

Levi’s eyes did not stray from the TV. “They are.”

“Are you okay?” I had no clue how to handle the situation. They were Levi’s parents, but he hated them. But they were still his parents that had been the victims of a brutal murder.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Levi paused. “All I see on the screen are two strangers who fucked up and probably got what they deserved.” 

“That’s…harsh.” I replied immediately. I soon regretted it though, because I knew where he was coming from. If it was my dad that was on the screen, I wouldn’t be sad. I knew I wouldn’t be. 

It’s not required of us to mourn the loss of toxic presences. We owe them nothing. 

Absolutely nothing.

“I suppose it is.” Levi answered quietly.

“I’m sorry.” I blurted out.

“No, you were right. It was harsh. But not once have they done a single goddamn thing to help me when I needed it, never made so much as a shred of effort to be a part of my life. I could have died and they probably wouldn’t have known it. They wouldn’t have cared, in any case. So yes, it was harsh. I’ll admit that. Call me an emotionless piece of shit, Eren, but I can’t bring myself to mourn their passing. I can’t bring myself to shed a single damn tear even if it is both of my parents on the screen right in front of my fucking eyes.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to. I don’t blame you for not crying.”

“Goddamn, I really love you. Most people would have called me a monster by now.”

“I don’t think I’m in much of a position to be calling people monsters.”

Levi nestled his head onto my shoulder.

“Hey, don’t say that shit.” 

A moment of silence. The news reported some of the basic information on the death of Levi’s parents.

A bitter laugh escaped him. “You know, I never took the time to figure out what made them rich. I never really cared. But I’ll admit, I find it horridly ironic that they were off making and trading the drugs I was buying constantly. That’s just hideously ironic, if you ask me.” He moved on. “And at least now I know why they were so desperate to get to me. They needed a place to hide from the man who killed them, I’m thinking.” 

The news revealed little more than the basics, so we never did find out all that much about who Levi’s parents really were. And that was okay.

The news moved on. So did we. There was no mourning, no messy tears. Levi had no attachment to the strangers on the screen. As far as he was concerned, he’d never really had parents. 

Still, he was shocked. I didn’t blame him. As he leaned against me, I stroked his hair lovingly and hummed quietly which I knew would relax him. I was convinced he had fallen asleep when he pulled himself away from me with a light sigh.

“I have to piss. Also, I’m hungry, so I’m going to make food. Did you eat yet?”

Considering I’d spent the entire day drawing without a second thought, I hadn’t gotten the chance to eat. Now that I thought about it, I was really hungry. “Nope.” 

“Alright, then I’ll make us both something.”

Levi returned from the bathroom. “I’m making chicken and rice.”

“You don’t cook.” I replied; I was rewarded with an eye roll.

“I’m learning how to, dumbass. I’ve been chatting with a few of the cooks at Carraba’s, telling them I wanted to start making legitimate meals for us. They’ve been telling me a few tips and tricks that should help get me started.” It was actually very sweet of him.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Warning, though, that doesn’t mean I’ll be good at it.” It was like me drawing earlier, to be quite honest.

“Do you want help?” I felt bad that he was doing all the work. 

“N’aw, I got it. Don’t worry about it. If you could clear off space on the coffee table, though, that’d be great.” 

“Kay.” I replied, gathering all of the items littering the table into slightly more manageable bundles. I saved the notebook for last and was looking through it for the second time when Levi appeared with a couple of plates in hand. 

“I got your plate ready for you.” He said, setting it down in front of me. 

“Thanks.” I replied sincerely, smiling up at him (which I certainly never got to do when we were both standing). 

“Welcome. Hey, what’s that?” 

He was referring to my notebook full of stupid doodles.

“That would be nothing.” I replied, casting the notebook aside in favor of beginning the meal that looked surprisingly good.

“Fucking liar.” 

He grabbed the notebook in one swift motion.

“Wait, no, don’t-” I started bashfully.

Naturally, he ignored me. 

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I felt like he was judging the pathetic passes I’d made at drawing throughout the afternoon. Instead, I focused all of my attention onto my food. The seasoning on the chicken was simplistic but it was actually really good. The rice wasn’t undercooked or overcooked. Somehow, Levi had actually made a decent meal. Whatever the cooks had told him had worked fucking magic because it sure as hell didn’t taste like something Levi would make.

I was opening my mouth to shower my boyfriend in compliments when he beat me to the punch.

“Holy fucking shit, Eren, why didn’t you ever tell me that you could draw?”

“Because I can’t?”

“Oh hell no, Eren. These are fucking great.”

“You’re just saying that because you have to.” 

“No. No, definitely not.” 

A short silence.

“…You’re hoping to be a tattoo artist. Is that true, Eren?”

“What? No. I would never make it into a profession like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I fucking suck, so just give me the notebook back and let’s talk about something else.”

“Why can’t we talk about this, though? First of all, you’ve been obsessed with tattoos and everything dealing with them ever since you went in and got those wings inked onto your back.” He wasn’t lying. I spent my time watching shows based on tattooing and most of my internet time was spent researching different types of tattoos. My drawings reflected such ideas. “Second of all, I’m pretty goddamn sure you could make it. I believe in you. And if you believe in yourself and are determined to do it, I know you could succeed.”

“But…” 

“But what? It’s true. Ask for an apprenticeship at the place you got your ink at. Ask Annie for tips on how to go about things, ask for an introduction to the artists. Hang around there; trust me, they don’t mind. Ask them to give you tips sometime. Ask questions. Learn. Apply it to your own skills. Become a tattoo artist. Live and breathe tattoos, Eren.”

“Why are you so…determined with this?” 

“Because it’s making you happy. I can see it; you’ve been glowing for these past few weeks, despite that phone call from your dad. Even though it’s hard on you, you’re pulling through so much better than you ever have. And I can see that reflected in your newfound love of tattoos. You’ve found something to be passionate about. You’ve found something that’s more than a distraction born out of necessity. You found something to truly enjoy and that’s something I never thought I’d get to see with you. You don’t know how great it is to see, Eren.” 

“I…” I tried to formulate a different response. “I don’t even know how to respond. But you’re right. Yeah, you’re right. I just might be more in love with them than I am with you.”

“Hey, now.”

“Kidding.” 

“I would sure damn hope so.” Levi pouted, and I leaned in to kiss him.

Once we broke away from the kiss, Levi spoke again. “Oh, and if you do want to go into that field, try doing it before you waste entirely too much money on a degree you’ll probably never end up getting use out of.”

“Did you just reference yourself?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“You totally did.”

“...Maybe. Either way, it’s true. I’m serious, if you’re interested, pursue it. Do great things. If you want to succeed, you’ll succeed.”

“Well, thank you for believing in me. It really does make me happy, knowing that there’s actually someone in the world who believes I’ll end up worth something.” I switched subjects in order to avoid a feelings talk with Levi asserting that I was not indeed worthless. “But let’s just make it through this goddamn graduation party first.”

“Fair enough.” Levi replied. 

And before I knew it, it was Saturday. Entirely too quickly, it was time to head to the park where mine and my sister’s party was.

-x-

It was hot outside, but the breeze made it a pleasant day of mid-seventies sunshine weather. I threw on the slay titans hoodie and jeans out of habit even though I probably should have worn a lighter shirt and shorts, since my shorts were long enough to hide my scarred thighs. While the heat didn’t bother me much when I was in public because I was simply used to it, other people weren’t. When people didn’t understand something, they had the tendency to ask questions.

And ask questions they did.

“Why are you wearing a sweatshirt, Eren? It’s hot outside.” Asked one of my aunts.

“Pants and a sweatshirt? Aren’t you roasting?” This time, the voice came from a cousin several years older than myself.

“Jesus, Eren. Take it off, you’re making me hot just looking at you!” My uncle sneered.  
I’ll never understand why people felt the need to make a big deal about being “overdressed” when it’s hot out. Mind your own goddamn business and stop asking, seriously. 

Although Levi was also overdressed in dark jeans and a black and grey striped hoodie, the look on his face told my relatives to think better about asking him questions. In fact, they were barely talking to him. He was fucking lucky that he didn’t have to deal with the obligatory small-talk between relatives. I don’t think any of my relatives even liked me in the first place. The same went for Mikasa, honestly. I was just looking forward to getting the meal over with so that we could all escape and make the party something mildly more pleasant.

The minutes before the grilled food would be ready dragged by one at a time. It was tedious, honestly. 

Finally, at some point, it managed to just be me, Levi, Mikasa, and Annie standing together by ourselves, detached from the hordes of relatives and “family friends” that mom knew and that I hadn’t met until that day. Levi left on a bathroom and smoke break, leaving the three of us alone for a bit.

We were chatting amongst ourselves when the word “Grisha” loudly spoken caught all of our attention. We all shut up at once and eavesdropped on the poorly veiled conversation taking place fairly close to us. 

“I don’t know, I think everyone was a bit harsh about it. He’s probably been working hard to change himself since then.”

“Yeah, he really was always such a great man. Carla should give him another chance.” 

“I agree. The past is the past, she should move on.”

“The kids should, too. It’s not right for them to not have their dad in their life.”

A different person interjected. “But Grisha landed Eren in the hospital. He had to have surgery, Carla told me. He could have died. I don’t blame him for cutting Grisha off.”

“Still, I think everyone’s being too harsh on Grisha. Besides, from what I’ve heard, Eren needed some reformation as a person, anyways. Killing somebody from drunk driving as young as sixteen! It’s despicable.”

“Wait, Emily.” Emily was the fifty-something year old aunt who appeared to have the most sympathy for the monster who called himself my father. “The kids are right there.”

“So? They’re probably not paying attention to us. Off in their own little world. Anyways, like I was saying, Grisha-”

Mikasa is not a person who loses her temper easily. Mikasa does not outwardly express her anger often, either. But I’ll never forget the way she approached my family, seething with rage, in order to protect me.

“ _No!_ Don’t you _dare_ even say that! Grisha was a monster of a man who almost killed his own goddamn son! How can you guys _possibly_ think that’s okay? What, you’d rather let your nephew die because he chose to let Grisha back in his life? Because that’s what you’re saying! How is that okay? _How?_ " Mikasa screeched.

We held her back; she was coming too close to punching Emily in the face. 

“Well, if Eren would own up to his own actions-”

Mikasa was going to start yelling again but this time I interrupted her. I appreciated that she was there to stand up for me, but at some point, I had to stand up for myself, too. I’m not even sure what gave me the strength to do it, considering I’d always just shrank back and taken it, apart from some of the fights I’d gotten into at school.

“You think I haven’t lived up to my own actions? Because trust me, I have! I know that I’ve done, okay? You think it makes me happy? Do you think I’m proud of being the death to my own best friend? Well guess what! I’m not! And don’t you _dare_ try and tell me that Grisha’s a “great man”! He’s a fucking monster who got pleasure out of beating me down until I was lying on the ground, close to death!”

“How dare y-” Emily tried to interject. 

“No! No, I’m not listening to this! You don’t know me, don’t know what I’ve fucking been through!”

“Don’t you dare use that language around your elders!”

“Then don’t try and tell me that abuse should be so easily forgiven! Don’t act like you know everything about all of our lives, because you don’t know the first goddamn thing!” I shouted desperately. I had inched closer and closer to the cowering huddle of family members. They had talked a big game but shrunk as soon as they were confronted, save for Emily. 

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” She shouted at me. 

“Yeah, well, you should be, too!” I hissed.  
Our argument would have gotten more heated had Levi not returned at that moment.

When he figured out what has going on, he got a grip on me and pulled me backwards. “It’s not worth it.” He said, eyeing Emily harshly as we left the situation. Mom was quite a ways away from us, blissfully unaware that we were picking fights with the family. It was better that way. 

The meal was in our pavilion was tense; nobody clued mom or any of the rest of the family what had gone down and it just made for an awkward, tense affair.

The second the four of us had finished with our food, we let mom know that we were going to take leave for a while and find an area of the park that wouldn’t be littered with family members. She bid us have fun and gave us an oblivious smile as always.

“Thank god.” Annie muttered as soon as we were out of earshot from the party. She had her hair clipped back as always and was wearing a white tank top with light blue shorts. Mikasa, whose hand was intertwined with Annie’s, was wearing a black t-shirt with dark jean shorts and her scarf wrapped around her neck, a fashion choice many found questionable in the summer.

We found a nice spot on a slight hill that sat in front of one of the larger ponds of the park. On the other side of the pond was a small zoo that mainly housed the animals of our respective state. It was interesting to go through as children but we’d all seen it far too many times to make it worth visiting again, so we opted to sit down side by side on the grass.

“I don’t think we’ve all ever actually gotten the chance to hang out together like this, just the four of us uninterrupted.” Mikasa noted as we made ourselves comfortable. 

“You’re right. I hadn’t even thought about that.” I responded.

“It’s nice.” Annie said.

“Yeah.” Levi agreed.

“So, Eren, how are you likin’ the tattoo?” Annie asked, looking at me with a small grin.

“I love it.” I said, grinning back.

“Speaking of Eren’s tattoo, I’ve never gotten the chance to see it.” Mikasa reproached. 

“Oh, that’s right. Show her, Eren. It’s great.” Annie said.

“There’s nobody around us at all?” I asked, grabbing the edge of my hoodie to pull it off. 

“Nope, nobody. We’re alone, thank god.” Levi assured me, and I lifted both the hoodie and the t-shirt from my head so that I was shirtless. I turned my back to Mikasa to let her see the wings.

"Holy shit, they really are great.” Mikasa reached out and ran her fingers along the wings. 

The second the admiration was over, I got my hoodie back on. I felt too bare without it. Even though I knew nobody would come, I was still terrified of the possibility of others seeing my scars at random.

We spent the next few hours talking about anything and everything. We talked about Mikasa and Annie living together and we talked about how well living together had been going for Levi and I. Everyone agreed that my hair was too long and that I needed to get it cut although nobody sounded real serious. Annie and Mikasa declared it strange that Levi wasn’t wearing black jeans and his leather jacket. Mikasa and Annie talked about their favorite sports. Levi and I talked about dumb TV shows and movies we’d seen lately. The four of us made a great group and the conversation didn’t slow for a single second.

“You know, we owe pretty much everything to 7-eleven.” I wasn’t sure I’d even meant to say it out loud. 

“What?” Mikasa asked bemusedly. 

“No, seriously.” I thought about it for a second. “If I wouldn’t have gotten a job at 7-eleven, I wouldn’t have met Levi. And if I hadn’t been hired there, you wouldn’t have asked me to ask Erwin if we still had room for another hire. You wouldn’t have started working there and you wouldn’t have met Annie. Where we are in life right now? We owe it to 7-fucking-eleven.”

“Holy shit, you’re right.” Annie replied.

“Goddamn, Eren. Don’t make me feel such positive things about a fucking gas station.” Levi rolled his eyes but his tone was gentle. I leaned into him and his arms went around me. Annie and Mikasa were shifting towards cuddling as well. 

“Says the one who doesn’t even work there anymore. Guess who’s getting the nightshift more and more often because of _you_?” Mikasa scoffed. It was true that Erwin was putting her on at night with me more often to fill the gap that Levi left.

“Are you saying you don’t like working with me?”

“No, I’m saying I can’t stand working until like five in the morning. I don’t know how you’ve been doing that since last year, seriously.”

“You get used to it.” I shrugged. “Although I bet it’s just because you miss working with Annie every shift.”

“Probably.” Annie agreed. 

“Okay, that might be a part of it. But I know for a fact you miss working with Levi all the time, because I’m pretty sure you mention it every single time we work together now.”

“Oh, really? You miss it that much, eh?” I could feel Levi’s tiny little smirk through his tone.

“Well, we _have_ been working together since last summer. That was a year ago.” I tried to justify myself. 

“Oh, don’t worry, I don’t mind that you miss our nights together. I do too, you know. Even if it was a shitty gas station job.”

“Ugh, don’t get all sentimental on us, guys.” Annie said, and I grinned.

The graduation party had started out rough but the time we were all spending together made it plenty worth it.

The sun was setting and the stars were rising. The air was taking on a chilly edge, causing us to huddle closer together. We fell silent after some time, letting only our breathing and chatter of crickets fill the fresh air with sound. All of us had opted out of drinking although any of us probably could have gotten our hands on booze. I’d mentioned to Mikasa that Levi didn’t really drink now, so that probably played a hand into it. We hadn’t needed it to have a pleasant time. 

All of us were people who could enjoy and appreciate the simplicity of the moment. None of us had had particularly easy lives, and we all knew it was an amazing thing that we’d all made it this far. Even Annie; from what Mikasa had told me, Annie had a hell of a rough childhood that carried into her teenage years as well. 

Conversation picked up again eventually. The topic came back to tattoos, and Levi saw his chance.

“So, Annie, did Eren tell you he’s considering trying to become a tattoo artist?”

“What, really? No, he didn’t tell me.” Annie shot me a look. 

“Yeah, he is. Do you think he could possibly hang around the shop here and there?”

“Of course. Eren, you should show me your drawings and everything. Ah, it’d be really sweet if we ended up in the same profession. Hell, maybe one day we could even have our own shop. And maybe one day we can use these two fuckers as a hell of a lot of test skin.” 

“Ha, maybe we could. Let’s tattoo our names on their asses.”

“Deal. Those can be the first tats given at our own parlor. That would be pretty fuckin’ awesome.”

“Hell yeah. Let’s do it.” 

The conversation would likely have gone on, but my mother had found us.

“Eren, Mikasa, people are starting to head out, so you guys should probably come back and say goodbye to people.”

All four of us sighed heavily, reluctant to get up and leave the place that had become a simple yet pleasant paradise for us in the last couple of hours.

Thanks for some form of miracle, Emily and the others we’d gotten into it with were already gone. We said our obligated goodbyes and agreed that we needed to hang out together much more often, which would end up happening in the future.

We all left the ended graduation party in high spirits.

-x-

Levi worked often and I had begun spending more time at the parlor. I’d shown Annie my first drawings and always showed her whenever I drew something new. She was surprised to learn that I’d never drawn much before now, which I took to be a good sign. I wasn’t confident enough to let her show the actual artists anything I’d drawn, but Levi, Annie, and Mikasa all encouraged me to. One step at a time.

Levi continued his journey into developing cooking skills from scratch. He seemed to enjoy it about as much as I enjoyed drawing, in all honesty. He began making meals more complicated than ramen noodles for us several times a week. His recipes were pretty simple, but I watched them grow in complexity was time went on. They tasted good and didn’t even look too bad, for which I was proud. I was glad he’d found a good use for his spare time, as well. 

Although many aspects of my life were bright at the time, there were still significant shadows. My paranoia over my dad returning was growing worse. He’d tried calling me twice since the call that I’d actually picked up, and although I hadn’t answered either one they haunted me as if I’d been talking to him for hours. He’d left voicemails both times but I deleted them both without listening first. I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. 

Whenever I saw an individual who looked even remotely like him, I shrank back in fear. Shadowy figures hundreds of feet away from me appeared as my dad. He may have been a component of my nightmares but he felt like a part of my reality as well. It wasn’t even the idea of Grisha Yeager that terrified me; it was the monster that consumed him whenever he was drunk. The idea of such a cruel demon that could break a human as fragile as me with a single word, a single punch that I still tended to believe I deserved.

There had even been a couple times when Levi walking through the door after coming home from work had scared the shit out of me. I could think of several times when I’d been dozing off on the couch and woke up to him walking through the door that ended in me screaming incoherently and Levi having to calm me own. Terror was taking its hold on me. Knowing he was still alive and able to find me some way, somehow, was the most terrifying thing I could imagine.

It was honestly a miracle that I’d made it through the better part of June without hurting myself at all, although there’d been many close calls. It was a struggle, but I somehow managed. 

Levi wasn’t having the best time, himself.

“I miss drinking.” He’d say wistfully now and then, and I would wince out of habit.

“I’m sorry.” I could seldom think of anything better to say. 

One night, he elaborated on his feelings.

“It’s okay. It’s just…I mean, life is going well for us for the most part. You haven’t self-harmed in a very impressive amount of time. We’re both out of school. It’s summer. We’ve both found hobbies we enjoy. Hanji and Mike are getting married. We have more money now that I have a better job. My parents will never call again, pretending they were always a part of my life. Our relationship together is stable and just generally going well. We’re beginning to lead decent lives, Eren. I shouldn’t want to escape the world with alcohol like I did before.”

“You know what they say. Old habits die hard.” A phrase all of us had heard countless times throughout life. 

“Still. It just feels like while everything has changed, nothing has changed. Too good to be true, you know? As if we were never meant to feel happy. But we do. And I’m grateful we’re finally finding our place in this shithole of a world, I really am. But I know that I still have every opportunity to walk right through that door, find one of my many old dealers, and spend whatever money my job has earned me on whatever drug sounds most pleasing at the time. I can walk into any grocery store around here and buy a bottle of tequila and drink the whole goddamn thing. Nothing’s there to stop me but myself. And what if I’m not enough?”

“I’m still here, though. We have each other. That helps, doesn’t it?”

“It does, but still. We love each other a fucking ton but has that really managed to always stop us from our own actions? I know it hasn’t, and you know it too.”

“Aren’t you always the optimist here? It’s unnatural for me to be the voice of hope, here.” 

“Positivity is not black and white. I don’t know, I’m just thinking too much. And a drink would just make me stop thinking so much, you know?” I did know. If I just dragged a razor blade across my arm, I could make the whole world around me disappear. He could do the same whenever it pleased him; he was right about that. Even so, it was odd for me to have more hope in my voice than him.

“Yeah, I do know. But something I’ve learned over these past couple of months is that there are better, more productive ways to take your mind off things.”

“Ha, I suppose you’re right.” He sounded unconvinced, but I knew it wasn’t easy to turn a mood around on a whim. 

“Want me to help distract you?” I offered. 

“Go for it.” His tone was its typical bored drawl but I knew I’d piqued his interest.

I snaked my arms around his waist and pulled him on top of my lap. Pressing my lips against his, our bodies melted against each other naturally. He tossed his arms over my shoulders as he enthusiastically returned the kiss.

Encouraged, I let my hands travel down to his ass and groped it as he moaned lightly into the kiss. When we broke away I began to kiss his neck and slipped my hands under his black long-sleeved shirt. I knew his body well, but I never tired of running my hands up and down his sides or over his chest. As my hands lightly teased his nipples, I heard his breathing become labored. It was a sound that instantly sent heat to my own groin, which Levi could probably feel through the fabric of our jeans. I could feel his own boner, and I rolled my hips forward teasingly, awarding me a slight moan from him.

When I’d had my way with his neck, I pulled away and shifted my gaze to his perfectly half-lidded eyes.

“Good enough of a distraction?” I asked, moving my hips against him once more.

“Yeah.” He breathed. 

“I’m glad.”

Needless to say, we ended up having to clean the couch later that night.

And hey, it put Levi in a better mood and distracted him. And that was all I could ever ask for, really.

-x-

It was Friday on the third week of June. Humidity had driven the temperature to extreme heights throughout the day. Levi and I, in desperate need of groceries for the apartment, had waited until late evening to hit the grocery store in the hopes that it’d be cooled down by the time we left. 

It hadn’t. 

Although it was damn near ten ‘o clock by the time we were out of the store, the humidity was thick enough to cut with a knife. An eerily yellow tint to the otherwise dark sky announced a dreadful storm waiting to begin.

Levi drove us home in the car so that we could at least feel the benefits of air conditioning. About halfway home, a bright flash of lightning announced the storm’s entrance. The rain, however, was holding off. And it held off until we pulled into the apartment’s parking lot. And then it was pouring hard enough to barely see a couple feet in front of ourselves.

“Holy shit, it’s coming down hard. I’ll drop you off as close as I can get you to the entrance, okay?”

“Thanks.” I replied gratefully, eyeing the rain cascading from the sky. 

Levi dropped me off and drove away to park, leaving me to walk up to the apartment’s entrance myself. Several steps away from the door, I heard a noise I’d prayed that I’d never have to hear again in person for as long as I lived.

But you see, a god did not exist to me and my prayers were left unanswered. 

“Eren Yeager! I found you, boy!” came the booming voice that shattered any stability I’d created for myself since the last time I’d seen the cruel, cruel man closing in on me.

I wanted to fight back. I wanted to scream at him just as loudly as he’d always screamed at me, wanted to shove him into the wall every bit as forcefully as he’d shoved me. I wanted to stomp on him and show him what it was like. 

But I could bring myself to do none of that. No, I did what I’d always done when it came to dad.

I stood there and took it.

I was paralyzed. Rooted in place. A terrified creature who saw the inevitability of its own looming death.

Although it was painful, I barely felt a thing when I was forcefully shoved into the brick wall of the apartment building. Due to the storm, everyone had locked themselves up in the safety of their homes– nobody would find us. Levi would be the only one.

It was difficult to even make out my father’s form through the thick sheets of rain. I could barely see the monster that assaulted me without abandon. I was shoved into the wall a second time. A third time. On the fourth time, I collapsed heavily down onto the sidewalk beneath me. A crushing blow to my leg along with a sickening crunch told me that dad had managed to break my leg; I’d broken my leg once as a child and I knew it felt exactly like that. I yelped in pain, now even less able to get away from the monster as I was before. His kicks did not stop. I cowered and shook and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing for anything to be happening but this.

Everything seemed to be happening at once. Memories of the past clashed with the experience of the present and all I knew was that I was in pain and that I thought I would never make it past that moment. 

Dad dragging me off of the ground paralyzed me with stone-cold fear. Intense pain shot through my leg and there was no shortage of pain in the rest of my body, either. Through half-closed eyes, I managed to get a look at his face for the first time in over six months. When I saw his face, I knew that he had every intention of killing me. 

His face and mine were close. Far too close. As he screamed at me and shook me, I couldn’t be completely sure whether it was rain or alcohol-tainted spit that hit my bruised face.

I may have had wings of freedom tattooed on my back, but I certainly wasn’t free.

But then my angel appeared, tossing shopping bags full of groceries onto the ground as he lunged at the demon who sought me as prey. Dad, taken aback, loosened his grip on me and I collapsed to the ground, holding my broken leg to me. 

I couldn’t do anything but watch and sob and scream as the two intertwined together in a deadly dance with each other. Punches were thrown and I could barely follow their movement. Dad’s movements were affected by what was undoubtedly entirely too much alcohol but he was still a deadly opponent.

Thunder roared in the sky above us. Countless bolts of lightning illuminated the horrifying scene before me. 

Somehow, they ended up on the other side of the sidewalk. The area that was right by the street itself. I attempted to drag myself after them but it was a pitiful attempt. 

My father and Levi were completely focused on their own fight. 

Agony wrenched through me. I was powerless to the events unfolding before me.

They had left the sidewalk and walked right into the street. Neither of them noticed.

I screamed at Levi, trying to get his attention. But between the thunder and my father’s own incoherent screaming, I was not to be heard. Another quick prayed left unanswered.

The rain picked up even more. It was even harder to see.

I could, however, still see the headlights of the car coming down the street.

Levi and my father did not. 

I screamed.

The car came to a screeching halt. A second too late.

The crash was fatal– but only to one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it a bit too easy for Eren to have a natural knack for art? Probably. But let's just give the poor boy a break, shall we? I like to imagine an HMS!Eren that is really adorable and happy when he finds out that he actually /does/ have a shot at being the one profession that appealed to him from the get-go. Don't judge me. 
> 
> Oh, and in case you would wondering, Eren's hair in its current state is, like, halfway between his titan hair and his normal hair. Yee.
> 
> Well, I suppose this is it. The next chapter will be the last chapter. Oh hooo. //I'm not even ready for this sobs


	26. Seven Years Down the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven years following the fateful crash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final chapter.

“Eren.”

Slightly dazed, I was snapped out of my reverie by the sound of Levi’s voice.

The lights were bright. But for the first time, the bright light wasn’t blinding. It was brilliant.

Rows and rows of pews behind me, although only a couple had occupants.

An altar. The altar had three occupants. Hanji, an ordained minister adorned in a silvery blue dress. Me, a twenty-five year old tattoo artist dressed in a black tuxedo. And finally Levi, a twenty-nine year old chef dressed in a white tuxedo.

Standing in front of the altar, three people; two behind me and one behind Levi.

Behind me were two women. Mikasa, a twenty-five year old boxer well-known throughout the state. Beside her stood her fiancée, Annie, my partner whom I’d recently opened up a tattoo parlor with. They both wore strapless dresses of the same silvery-blue as Hanji’s dress.  
Behind Levi was one man. Mike, a twenty-nine year old who somehow ended up as the assistant of the scientist Hanji. He had a tux of silver.

In the front row of pews sat my mother, a single woman who still hadn’t figured out that both of her children were gay until very recently. Surrounding her were the few family members we actually got along with, including my grandma and a couple of aunts and uncles that didn’t think my father deserved sympathy. Behind the family members were friends we’d accumulated over the past six years or so; Jean, Marco, Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Christa, Reiner, Bertholdt. Jean and Marco were people we’d met through the parlor Annie and I started at. 

It was a small wedding of few invitees, and we wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I cast a sheepish glance at my soon-to-be-husband, who was eyeing me sternly. 

Although we’d met almost seven years ago, Levi looked exactly the same as when we’d first met. Same hairstyle, same perpetually bored expression every day of his goddamn life. He even still had the eyebrow piercing and plethora of ear piercings (he had accumulated a couple more over the years) despite becoming a chef at Carraba’s, where he’d begun as a simple bartender. He’d somehow managed to convince them to let him keep the piercings. Even though he always looked ridiculously perfect to me, I wanted to cry when I first saw him in the pure white tux that he would marry me in.

My appearance, on the other hand, was completely different.

First of all, I no longer ever donned short hair. Ever since I was eighteen, I’d started growing it out until it was just about shoulder length. Levi asked me what the fuck I thought I was accomplishing by having longer hair but he fell in love with it as I knew he would. I simply liked having it longer. Whenever I’m at work, I tie it back; I also tie it back whenever it’s hot out, which is pretty much all summer, at the very least. 

Speaking of work, spending most of my time at a tattoo parlor had inevitably led to me becoming a heavily tattooed individual. The first major work I’d gotten done (after the wings, of course) had been getting full sleeves done on both of my arms. I’d opted to go with all-black tribal-style for my sleeves. They were each a complex arrangement of lines; my right arm had mainly lines and angles while my left arm was mainly rounded edges. I’d designed both sleeves myself back when I was nineteen and got them done later that year. The rest of my tattoos were designed by Annie and a couple of the other artists I’ve gotten to know well over the years- among them being a black and white tiger that starts mid-thigh and goes all the way up to just below my chest (Annie designed it for me), a colorful koi pond on my other thigh (another Annie design), and a complex set of black and grey vines I’d designed myself going down my left leg. 

My sleeves have allowed me the confidence to wear short sleeves whenever I please; I always wear a black t-shirt to work every day. While many people do notice that there are scars underneath the ink, it’s a hell of a lot easier to address. I did what the girl I’d passed in the tattoo parlor after getting my first tattoo had done– I took something absolutely hideous and covered it with something beautiful.

And while I thought I’d never be the type of person to get a single piercing in my life (although I did love Levi’s piercings), I somehow ended up with a silver lip ring and abundance of silver earrings on both of my ears. Levi was the reason behind every single one of them, naturally.

As I sheepishly looked to my soon-to-be-husband, I whispered, “What?” 

“Pay attention.” He whispered back, and my grin widened. 

“Sorry.” I replied, and tried to place my attention back on Hanji, who was officially starting our ceremony. Despite my best efforts, my mind soon returned to where it had left off on the sudden onslaught of memories of my first year together with Levi. 

Back then, I was convinced my world had ended. When my dad and Levi had collided with the oncoming car in that awful fucking thunderstorm, I was sure the world was coming apart at the seams. I’d had to crawl to whatever vicious sight was awaiting me on the other side of the sidewalk, and it had been the single most agonizing, slow moment of my life after Armin’s death itself. Sobbing and bursting with pain, I’d assumed the worst case scenario– that Levi had died and my dad had lived. Considering the way the past couple years of my life had gone, it would have caused me no shock.

But I’d been wrong. Half a week later, I attended Grisha Yeager’s funeral in a wheelchair alongside my boyfriend, sporting a cast on his arm and countless bandages in countless places. Although his injuries had been bad, he was faring much, much better than he could have been. I was grateful he’d only broken one limb in the crash. 

I hadn’t even wanted to attend my dad’s funeral– it had been Levi who convinced me to go. Even my mother had told me I didn’t have to go to the funeral if I didn’t want to. She told me that as she sat in a hospital chair while a cast was put on my leg. Levi had been getting taken care of in another room and Mikasa was still on her way to the hospital, so it was just my mom and I. She’d cried and told me if I didn’t want to go to dad’s funeral, it was my choice and she wouldn’t ever judge me or blame me for it. I had every intention of not going. 

Levi, however, disagreed with my choice. He told me that if I didn’t go, I likely wouldn’t reach proper closure– it wouldn’t truly be real until I found myself standing in front of a casket with my dad’s dead body displayed before my eyes. I had to admit, that was true. Even though he’d died, I still felt like he was hidden in the shadows of every corner. And so I’d gone. 

I’d gone to the funeral of a pathetic man who was only in love with his booze. Some people in this world don’t get a second chance. Grisha Yeager was one of those men. It was sad, really; second chances are important. Had I not gotten a second chance, had Levi not gotten a second chance, we wouldn’t find ourselves standing on an altar, taking part in the happiest moment of either of our lives. 

I didn’t shed a tear as I looked at my dad’s eerily calm face. I wasn’t even entirely sure how he’d found me, but the fact that he obviously went out of his way to find out where I was living was pathetic enough on its own. 

From that moment, I was free. From him, at least. My dad would never lay a hand on me again. I was free from him, but I wasn’t necessarily free from myself. These days, I am– but it still took time. 

However, a lot of good things did start happening following Grisha’s death. I’d taken Levi and Annie’s advice and asked one of the artists Annie worked under for an apprenticeship. After showing said artist my drawings, he accepted me immediately. I’d been a quick learner and quickly learned that as long as I believed I could become a good artist, then I sure as hell could. Nothing has ever made me as happy as the world of tattoos has, other than Levi, of course.

Levi also discovered his true passion, which ended up cooking. I was surprised at first when he mentioned that he wanted to be a chef, but I was quickly able to envision my short boyfriend as the head chef of a kitchen. And a head chef he became, at the place where he’d started out as a mere bartender. We both ended up doing what we truly loved.

And suddenly we were on the altar. It felt like no time had passed at all; it felt like I was still a lost eighteen year old who’s most comforting thought was death. But I no longer was, and that’s what mattered. 

“ _Eren._ ” This time, Levi’s whisper was exasperated. 

Hanji was beginning our vows. This time, I really did have to pay attention.  
She started with Levi. We’d stuck with fairly traditional wedding vows, although the rest of our ceremony had been altered to fit our lack of religion. 

 

“I do.” Levi replied to Hanji, but he was staring at me. We’d taken each other’s hands when the vows had started, so I gave his hand a gentle squeeze as Hanji turned to me.

“Eren.” She started. “Do you take Levi to be your beloved husband, to have and to hold him, to honor him, to treasure him, to be at his side and in joy, in the good times, and in the bad, and to love and cherish him always?”

“I do.” I replied, and I swear to god there was a tear in Levi’s eye. 

“Alright, the groom can now kiss the groom!” Hanji shouted enthusiastically. It was a miracle she’d remained serious throughout the vows up till then, honestly. 

We certainly didn’t have to be told twice. Levi and I leaned into each other’s arms naturally and our lips brushed against each other lightly. My heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest in pure happiness as I kissed Levi for the first time as my husband. I was in no rush to break off the kiss, so the task was left to Levi. 

Of course, when he did break away, I considered it to be too soon. My disappointment must have shown on my face, because Levi whispered, “Hey, come on, there are people around. Besides, we still get to look forward to what happens once we get home.” Home these days was still an apartment, but we’d moved into a nicer apartment than what we’d had about two years ago. I sure as hell was looking forward to getting home that night, although I wasn’t in too much of a rush, considering we still had the reception to look forward to. 

Everyone formed a line to congratulate us and after that we made our way to the reception hall we’d chosen. The place had been decked out in silver and silvery blue, a job done by my mother, Mikasa, and Annie. The dance floor was currently covered in tables that sported silver tablecloths and a variety of blue/white centerpieces. Levi had the staff of Carraba’s making our wedding dinner, which surprised no one. 

The head table had a blue tablecloth instead of a silver one. We all took our places; me and Levi in the dead center, the wedding party to our sides, and my mother as the only parental figure. The glasses clinking began before everyone even had their food, for which I particularly blame Hanji. I wasn’t about to complain though. It was a chance to get extra kisses from Levi, after all.

Mikasa and Hanji were the two people we’d chosen to make speeches before the wedding meal; Mikasa went first.

When everyone had a plate in front of them, she stood up from her seat right beside me. 

“Well. Since I’m Eren’s sister, I suppose it’s pretty natural that he’d choose me to give a speech.” She smiled and cleared her throat. “First of all, I’m really happy to be here right now. Because it means that Eren has found someone who makes him truly happy. Someone he can love for the rest of his life, someone who I _know_ will remain beside him through thick and thin.

“When Eren and I were sixteen, something terrible happened, and it changed our entire lives. And when I should have been there for my brother, I ignore the whole world. Eren had one hell of a rough road, and he went down it all by himself. I hope Eren doesn’t mind when I say that that road destroyed him. 

“But then Eren got a job. At 7-Eleven, of all places. And he met some college student named Levi. And while I wasn’t there for Eren, Levi was. Levi was always at Eren’s side when he needed him. Eren and I were barely even siblings for quite some time, but now we’re much closer and now I can understand how much Levi has truly done for him. 

“At first, I was convinced Levi was just some short asshole who could snap my brother’s already fragile heart in half. And he’s still some short asshole, but I’ve honestly never seen as much genuine love between two individuals as I’ve seen between these two. I guess all I’m trying to say here is that I hope you guys remain happy for a long time to come, because you both deserve that. I’m happy you both found each other, I really am. Also, Levi, keep in mind that if ever you do, for whatever reason, break my brother’s heard, I will snap your neck in half.” 

Everyone clapped, including me. Levi clapped too, although he gave Mikasa a look as he did so. And with that, Mikasa sat back down. Hanji took that as her clue to stand up.

“Alright! I guess it’s my turn. I’ll admit, I was pretty excited when Levi came to me and asked if I would make a speech. So here we are!

“I suppose my speech will be pretty similar to Mikasa’s, but here goes.

“When I met Levi, I met a man who was far from happy. He had walls built up around himself that even friendship didn’t break. He became one of my best friends, but it was still pretty obvious that he was still lingering in a dark place. He was alive, but that was all, honestly. 

“And then he told me about a new coworker. I knew from the second he said Eren’s name that he was going to fall for that boy hard. And fall for him he did! They’ve always had a rough go at it, even when they were together, but they made it. I’m really proud of them, really. Because here we are; look at this happy couple!” Hanji motioned to us, and Levi cast her an annoyed glance. 

“But ah, I feel like this speech was a bit of a drag. But if you all want to see a picture of Levi and Eren in amazing Christmas sweaters that I picked out for them seven years ago, find me anytime tonight! I printed out a bunch of copies, so feel free to grab one when you do. And with that, I’ll be done. Cheers to the happy couple!” Hanji raised a glass of champagne, and everyone else raised theirs in response. It was the first toast of many that night. Levi had champagne, too; he’d learned years ago how to drink in moderation, so his drinking was no longer an issue. He managed to stop himself whenever he felt like he was going too far, for which I was proud. 

Once dinner was finished, the tables were all moved to the side so that we had a dance floor. When mine and Levi’s chosen wedding song began, we took our place on the floor so that we could dance our first dance as a married couple. We’d chosen _Hanging by a Moment_ by Lifehouse, because it’d always been a song of ours, and we felt it fit our relationship pretty well.

_Desperate for changing, starving for truth,_

_I’m closer to where I started, I’m chasing after you_

I stared into Levi’s eyes, and he stared into mine. I’d never seen such an expression of pure happiness on Levi’s face as I saw during the first dance of our wedding.  
Everyone was gathered into a circle around the floor, watching us. Mom looked like she was ready to cry, honestly.

“Remember when we first met?” Levi asked quietly, although I’m sure he knew that answer. 

“Of course. My first night of working at 7-Eleven. You came striding in with your goddamn leather jacket and I remember admitting to myself that you were goddamn attractive. Annie told me most people didn’t like you. I could tell you weren’t very likable, but I didn’t dislike you right off the bat like most.”

“Hah, yeah. You were the only coworker I’d really had that didn’t decide I was an asshole immediately. That’s probably the point where I fell in love.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, yeah, whatever. You can’t choose people just because they don’t shout ‘Levi’s an asshole!’ at passing customers.”

“Oh yeah?” Levi raised his eyebrows playfully and leaned in for another kiss.

“Yeah.” I replied when we broke away; people had begun to clap as he kissed. I do believe I heard Mike shout “get it!” 

The chorus started. As Levi gazed at me, he sang along.

_I’m falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I’ve held on to_

_I’m standing here until you make me move, I’m hanging by a moment here with you_

As my husband sang to me, I focused on taking in the moment. I took in Levi with his narrow blue eyes and equally thin and narrow eyebrows, with his silver eyebrow stud still in despite presently wearing a white tuxedo. This was the man that I’d randomly seen in the cemetery seven years ago, a man I thought I would never know. I thought for sure I would never be more than a coworker to engage in small talk with to the twenty-two year old that I’d been convinced had his entire life put together. But then dad came in and attacked me at work, and the next thing I knew, I had a boyfriend named Levi. I suppose I owe that much to dad; without him, Levi and I’s relationship might not have ever gotten that necessary push in the right direction.

_I'm living for the only thing I know, I'm running and not quite sure where to go_

_And I don't know what I'm diving into, just hanging by a moment here with you_

“We made it.” I whispered to myself, but Levi caught it. 

“We did.” He agreed, and I tightened my grip on him.

“I didn’t think I would actually make it. I never thought that I’d grow up and actually be _happy_. It seemed unattainable. Impossible.” And it really had. I still had scars that reminded me of the past, of the countless hardships I’d faced, tears I’d shed, and blood I’d spilled. But I’d finally learned how to live with those scars. Did I regret them? Yes. Could I live knowing I had them? That answer was finally a yes, too. The road has not been easy. In fact, it’d been incredibly frustrating, even years after my father’s death.

“It did. I’ll admit, I never would have thought I’d make it this far either. But we did. We did it, Eren. We did it, and you’re my husband, and god, I love you so much.” Levi leaned into me and let his head rest on my shoulder. I held him to me and let my head rest on his own. 

“I love you too. I really, really fucking do.” I replied.

The song ended. Because my mom was the only parental figure around, she was the only parent who danced with me and then Levi, so we had Mikasa in place of a second parent. I danced with mom first and Levi danced with Mikasa first. 

“Having fun?” I asked mom.

“Of course. I’ve never seen you so happy in my life. I’ll be honest, Eren, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to see you this happy ever since, you know…” she trailed off. She’d been referencing Armin’s death; although he’d died about nine years ago, his name was still enough to put a sinking weight on my heart. I’d moved on from but certainly not forgotten my first boyfriend. In fact, I still visit him every Sunday afternoon without fail. Levi and I go to the cemetery together, now– he visits Petra while I visit Armin. However, on Armin’s death anniversary, Levi stays by me and vice versa on Petra’s death anniversary. I still cry on the anniversary, and even now I have a hard time with the fact that Armin died because I’d been the one drunk driving. But it was as Levi had once told me; we couldn’t blame ourselves forever. We had to accept that some things are out of our control, even if it seems like we’re completely the ones to blame.

“Well, that’s okay. Because I’m happy now. And I’m happy you’re here to see it, too. And that you’re fine with everything.” 

“I just can’t believe neither you nor Mikasa ever once mentioned that you were gay. You knew I’d be okay with it.”

I sighed. “Honestly, mom, I thought you would have picked up on it. We weren’t exactly hiding it.”

“Well, I guess I just don’t have good radar with these things. Oh well.” We were silent for a short moment before she reached out and touched the messy bangs that were still in my face, because I never bothered to pull them back with the rest of my hair. “Are you ever going to get a haircut, Eren?” It was one of the most motherly statements she’d ever said, really. 

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Well, you should think about it.” 

“Yes, mom.” I replied exasperatedly. 

Once that song was over, Levi danced with mom and I found myself with Mikasa as a partner.

“So, did you ever think you’d _actually_ end up getting married?” She asked playfully. 

“Hah, probably not. Although, maybe, because I really wasn’t surprised when Levi proposed.” He’d proposed about a year ago, after offering to take me away to a bigger, nicer city for a weekend randomly, assuming I could get off of work. He’d proposed in the hotel room after taking me to dinner in the nicest restaurant I’d ever been in. I’d told him “yes” as soon as the words “will you marry me?” were out of his mouth. When I was eighteen, I’d known that I wanted to marry Levi. At age twenty-four when he proposed, I hadn’t changed my mind for a second.

“I’m sure. And what a great couple you guys are; the badass tattoo artist with long hair and piercings and the short little asshole head chef of an Italian restaurant. How does that even happen?”

“To be fair, we were both employees of 7-eleven when we met.”

“Which is a really lame way of meeting, by the way.”

“Mikasa, you met Annie at 7-Eleven. And how many glasses of Champagne have you had tonight?”

“Oh, shut up. I never said we weren’t just as lame as you guys. Also, that number is completely irrelevant.” 

“Sure.” I replied, rolling my eyes. 

I danced with Annie next. Then Hanji, Mike, and the rest of my friends. There was obnoxious singing and dancing and an open tab at the bar. Hanji managed to get a video of Levi doing the Macarena. Mikasa fell down on the dance floor at one point, which was followed my several more tumbles before Annie set her down on a chair, where she swayed drunkenly to the music. My mom hit it off with one of Levi’s cooking staff, and I had a feeling I’d be hearing about them dating in the future. Not a single guy in the room had his tux coat on, so we were all in our white shirts. I was shirtless at some point, because an entire cluster of people had begged to see my tats. There was a conga line at some point. 

When things slowed down again, I ended up revolving in a slow circle with Levi, dancing to a slow song of which I’d forgotten the name. 

“Hey, did I ever tell you that I love you?” Levi asked.

“Hm, I’m not sure. Want to say it just to make sure?” 

“Alright. I love you, Eren. I always have, and I always will. And I’m so, so proud of that fact that you overcame everything you went through. And now you’re my husband, and I couldn’t be happier.”

“Stop, I’ll get choked up.” My reply was teasing, but I was completely serious; I could feel tears pricking the back of my eyes. “I love you too, though. You’ve always been there for me. When we first met, I thought for sure you would never actually give a fuck. But I was wrong, and I’m glad I was. You’re my everything, Levi.”

“And you’re my everything. Tomorrow I’ll wake up in your arms and I’ll be able to say that you’re my husband, and that I’m the luckiest man in the entire goddamn world.” 

As the song’s chorus started, I said nothing but simply gazed into the eyes of my husband. Levi, the one I’d fallen in love with so long ago. The one who would always be by my side no matter what. 

The one who was able to help me stand.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, Help Me Stand is complete. Oh my gosh, someone hold me, because I can't even handle myself right now.
> 
> ...I hope you guys do realize, I had nothing to gain by a tragic ending, so I'm sorry for throwin' that cliffhanger at all y'all, because I already knew they were gonna get married in the end, and that Grisha would die. Anyways.
> 
> Bare with me, as this may get a bit long, considering I just ended the longest project I've ever stuck with in my life, haha.
> 
> First of all! Eren's sleeves. I used google images, because I'm a boring fuck.  
> [Right arm](http://www.auburnwebs.com/tattoopic/tribal-shoulder-tattoo-design-meanings.jpg%22) and [left arm](http://www.tattoou.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/polynesian-three-quarter-tribal-sleeve-tattoo-427x433.jpg)~
> 
> Second of all! The ending. Too happy, right? N'awww. Just, n'aww.
> 
> Third, and more importantly than the first and second!  
> I need to just take a minute and say thank you all so, so much for the endless support you guys have given me throughout this project. It's really, really meant the entire world to me and I can't think you guys enough for being there. You guys really do mean everything to me!  
> And along the same lines, thank you so much for enjoying this fic. It's definitely made it a hell of a fun ride, if anything! I'm really happy you guys were all interested enough to hear me and my rambles and emotions about my own fic. Seriously, I can't think any of you enough for the joy you've brought to me while writing HMS. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all a lot. <3 
> 
> Oh, and the song they're dancing to in the end? That's Truly, Madly, Deeply. Yeah.
> 
> Also, just try and tell me older!HMS Eren isn't a complete badass. Because he is, with his hella tattoos and his longer hair (which, for the record, is definitely titan!eren hair). Right? Right? Aaaah. 
> 
> //I have sO MANY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW SOMEONE HOLD ME//
> 
> aLSO ARE YOU GUYS HAPPY RIGHT NOW YOU BETTER BE HAPPY I DIDN'T END THIS THING TRAGICALLY O-KAY
> 
> [Also whispers the tiger Eren has is dedicated to my precious waifu [Yuka](http://rinrinyuka.tumblr.com/), who told me her headcanon is that Eren has a tiger tattooed on him that is big. Woooo.
> 
> I'm probably going to add more notes here at some point. For now, I'm like. This isn't real omfg.


End file.
